Wednesday 3rd October 2001

Patently Obvious

Top 10 patent subjects indicate where the smart money is being spent

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[trefor]

Mirrors that alert a driver of traffic behind when they are crawling along the middle lane of a motorway at 69.9mph. An additional feature is the SLAP ACROSS THE FACE when the alert is ignored. Can't wait. T/. P.S. I thought mirrors alerted you already, oh, but you have to actually look at them.

[James]

How about mirrors that alert you that YOU'VE LEFT YOUR BLOODY FOG LIGHT ON!, by emitting a very bright and annoying glare into your eyes. That would be nice.

[derekmuesli]

Audi & Mercs stop you leaving your fog lights on for more than the length of a journey by physically switching them off when the headlamps are switched off. Goes to show that manufacturers think about this sort of nuisance and I believe they could do much more to restrict the annoyance caused by the Clue-Averse who populate our roads... How about Micras that veer to the left when you flash them from behind... ?

[derekmuesli]

Or for those who believe their car has 4 vanity mirrors: "WARNING! Objects in mirror are uglier than they appear." Just slap that straight on Clios, Corsas, MX5s etc.. Edited by derekmuesli on Wednesday 3rd October 20:26

[PetrolTed]

'DerekMuesli'?! Top name. Where on earth...?

[derekmuesli]

It's a long old story.. basically all to do with the stereotype of the hat wearing Volvo driver (esp. 240/340/740). From this, we derived the expression "As sure as Derek Muesli drives a Volvo" Hence... ps No Volvos in my household

[PetrolTed]

Thanks. That's as clear as mud!

[campbell]

I drive a volvo, what wrong with them and also I use my mirrors

[.mark]

Campbell - There is an exception to every rule my friend.

[Neil Menzies]

quote:Campbell - There is an exception to every rule my friend.

And that post of Campbell's was the exception - not a speling misteak in site!

[smeagol]

Lots of Volvo drivers use their mirrors: To check their make-up To check for food on their faces. To see how tired their eyes look...

[derekmuesli]

quote:I drive a volvo, what wrong with them and also I use my mirrors

You have my deepest condolences, Campbell.. Volvo have done a lot to try and shed the image of the 240/340/740 era, but like the majority of their cars, they're not getting there very fast... As Clarkson (or one of his clones) once observed, "Incontinence pads are worn by drivers of Volvo 240s". Who am I to argue ?

[apache]

Clarkson got rid of his RS turbo Escort some time ago for one of those cooking Volvo estates and he thoroughly enjoyed it apparently so what he says and what he does arn't always related

[derekmuesli]

You may well be right - though I have no recollection of him pawning his Cossie for one. Anyway, I doubt anyone here would argue with the ability of an 850 T5 - couldn't be much further from a 240 if it tried... Few would be able to resist the incongruousness of this 'Volvo with a rocket up it's arse' if someone handed them the keys.

[apache]

true, true....I might even be tempted myself if they weren't so thirsty

[derekmuesli]

quote:true, true....I might even be tempted myself if they weren't so thirsty

And you have found some magic fuel saving formula for your Griff I therefore presume?

[apache]

I wish!...no I mean for an everyday car for motorway use

[ATG]

The fast Volvos are indeed fast in astraight line... however the turning circle is so large an ex-colleague had to three point turn on a roundabout ... oh ho, how we laughed. Also the driving position is pants, there's no headroom for the passenger (well, not for me anyway), there's no room in the back of the saloons. Pig's ear. I have found and additional use for the "vanity" mirror on the passenger's visor. To the left of the mirror I've mounted a panic and eject button to comfort my more nervous victi ... sorry, passengers.

[derekmuesli]

quote:
the turning circle is so large an ex-colleague had to three point turn on a roundabout ...

I have had the same problem with my Primera.. I've never known a car to need such a monumental amount of space to turn..

And the handbrake doesn't even help much .. lol

[JSG]

quote:I have had the same problem with my Primera.. I've never known a car to need such a monumental amount of space to turn..

Derek,

You need to try the wife's Defender 110 CSW - needs 3 point turns to get up the ramp in multi storey car parks (if you can find on high enough)