Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed
Discussion
eltawater said:
Great news that you've finally had closure on this chapter. All the best on the exciting nappy filled chapter that looms before you 
Speaking of which, the ex still has to find out about this news. She won’t be happy because in our marriage she put loads of pressure on me to have a vasectomy then had herself sterilised when I refused, and regretted it ever since. There’s some things money just can’t buy. At least the deal was done now before she has the next big tantrum.This is the other big lesson here. Do NOT be coerced into sterilisation at the age of 30. You never know what’s around the corner.
theboss said:
Update. It’s all over. We had another court hearing today and despite all the posturing and frankly absurd claims, she made a significant climb down and we have reached an agreement with me agreeing to a maintenance order (which reflects what I was already paying for child support plus a little extra) and transferring a modest pension in return for a clean break on capital. £35k burned jointly on legal costs in order to achieve something which could have been agreed in mediation had I been given the chance.
I feel I can now move on with my life once and truly, and also pursue the damages claim without the fear of her claims hanging over me.
My new wife has been happily settled here for 6 months and we are expecting a child in the new year, which we and our children are absolutely delighted about.
I hope this thread serves to give hope to anyone else going through the most gut wrenching of separations and divorces. You can come out the other side much happier than imaginable, it just takes time, money and a lot of pain and stress.
Great news chap - well done and congratulations to you both I feel I can now move on with my life once and truly, and also pursue the damages claim without the fear of her claims hanging over me.
My new wife has been happily settled here for 6 months and we are expecting a child in the new year, which we and our children are absolutely delighted about.
I hope this thread serves to give hope to anyone else going through the most gut wrenching of separations and divorces. You can come out the other side much happier than imaginable, it just takes time, money and a lot of pain and stress.
Edited by theboss on Wednesday 10th July 16:41
theboss said:
Speaking of which, the ex still has to find out about this news. She won’t be happy because in our marriage she put loads of pressure on me to have a vasectomy then had herself sterilised when I refused, and regretted it ever since. There’s some things money just can’t buy. At least the deal was done now before she has the next big tantrum.
This is the other big lesson here. Do NOT be coerced into sterilisation at the age of 30. You never know what’s around the corner.
I had a V at 31, got divorved at 36, had it reversed at 40, had another child at 42 then had another V at 61 (last year) after my second divorce. So never say never.This is the other big lesson here. Do NOT be coerced into sterilisation at the age of 30. You never know what’s around the corner.
theboss said:
Speaking of which, the ex still has to find out about this news. She won’t be happy because in our marriage she put loads of pressure on me to have a vasectomy then had herself sterilised when I refused, and regretted it ever since. There’s some things money just can’t buy. At least the deal was done now before she has the next big tantrum.
This is the other big lesson here. Do NOT be coerced into sterilisation at the age of 30. You never know what’s around the corner.
If you upload the moment when your ex finds out about the new baby on YouTube you should be able to recoup most of the £35k in advertising This is the other big lesson here. Do NOT be coerced into sterilisation at the age of 30. You never know what’s around the corner.
Seriously though congrats on getting it sorted and good luck with the future whatever it may bring
hutchst said:
I had a V at 31, got divorved at 36, had it reversed at 40, had another child at 42 then had another V at 61 (last year) after my second divorce. So never say never.
Good to hear your reversal was successful. How was it going through the baby stage all over again after a long interval? I will be 38 and my youngest 11 when the baby is born - I thought I was long past the dirty nappy stage!I remember reading the first few posts the OP made on this thread and thinking 'Well there are two sides to every story.'
Then as the story developed I remember thinking 'Jeez the OP is holding this together far better than I could.'
Now to read that (I'm guessing) her legals have thought that she is clearly a mental, I can only congratulate the OP and say well done.
Then as the story developed I remember thinking 'Jeez the OP is holding this together far better than I could.'
Now to read that (I'm guessing) her legals have thought that she is clearly a mental, I can only congratulate the OP and say well done.
theboss said:
I will be 38 and my youngest 11 when the baby is born - I thought I was long past the dirty nappy stage!
I will be 47. My youngest is 15. I'd actually be really looking forward to it if it wasn't for the fact that the gf has gone from fairly high on the crazy scale to stratospheric..!! Hey ho let's hope it's the hormones 
Glad you've come through the other side though theboss..!!
Psycho Warren said:
Glad it turned out ok in the end. Thank god some common sense has prevailed and the psycho b
h cant get her nails into your disability compo.
It was a strange one. She kicked proceedings off a year ago probably thinking I was near payout, but in fact the claim was in its very early stages. She then did everything she could to try and adjourn proceedings until it settled even though this could (and probably will) take years.h cant get her nails into your disability compo. A judge back in April spelt it out to her unequivocally saying that we had to settle in the present time and not at some convenient point in the future, with the claim only being speculative at this point in time. (Common sense in a family court!)
However they still tried and tried. At the most recent hearing they claimed that it should be a marital asset because it happened pre-separation (by 5 weeks). It was also claimed that the marital breakdown could be attributed to the disability and that we should effectively have a joint interest in the claim! She was decorating her new love nest at the very time I was laid up in hospital!
Out of all the things that I’ve experienced in the last few years, having this woman laying claim to this personal damages settlement after leaving me for dead in my darkest hour, and having to suffer a lifelong degradation in lifestyle consequently, was the most galling and emotionally damaging aspect of this whole mess. My daughter was also dragged into this given her autism and thus “eternal child support” demand.
I am glad I can put it all behind me at last.
Of course I will do everything humanly possible to support my daughter as she transitions to adulthood and if I do reach a settlement in due course, this will help greatly. But my ex won’t get her hands on a penny of this award.
I think the most important thing after reading the original post in here is I hope your mental and physical health has taken a considerable upturn. Sounded like you was in a hard place and those things really can take a hold of you. Sounds like from the latest comments that you are on the up and away from that life. Always good to speak to people about these things whether they be strangers or friends.
theboss said:
Good to hear your reversal was successful. How was it going through the baby stage all over again after a long interval? I will be 38 and my youngest 11 when the baby is born - I thought I was long past the dirty nappy stage!
38 is nothing. My 3.5 year old was born when I was 47. Best thing ever and a life of experience makes for much calmer parenting ... So far. I was asked for an update and also some direct questions on another thread so here goes:
Divorce settlement concluded last summer at great expense and stress as she was gunning for pretty much everything she thought she could get from future income and a potential medical neg claim (you may recall in my opening thread I had just suffered a spinal mishap when she legged it). All put to bed and agreed a reasonable level of spouse maintenance and transfer of meagre pension contribs to her in return for a capital clean break.
I kept the original family home (rented) and most of the possessions in it.
Business is going brilliantly and the first hearing on the neg case 4.5 years after the event is scheduled in a fortnight.
Besides the 6-7 years of my life I’ll never get back (adding the affair duration to the divorce duration), endless sunk costs, stress, blood, tears etc. The only real ongoing issue now is managing the children between two homes with a vacillating, insecure co-parent ex and seeing how it’s ultimately had a detrimental impact on them. Her life isn’t a total car crash as she lives a comfortably supported non-working lifestyle worrying about little more than paying for her next holiday, but the affair guy has been a total uncommitted let down.
It would be nice if she could settle down with somebody capable of supporting her and playing a stepfatherly role and get married but she's not so daft to do that before the maintenance order ends in 2027. Problem for her is that any prospective suitors will be mature men who have been through the grinder previously and will be naturally very wary.
I have cauda equina syndrome with permanently destroyed S1 nerves affecting my feet and pelvic area. Bladder and bowel completely paralysed. I survive on catheters and daily bowel irrigation and suffer extreme toilet related urgency and discomfort. My mobility is largely intact but my feet are numb and paralysed so I walk flat-footed and off-balance. I use the gym with a PT who is sympathetic to my medical condition, can walk/cycle/row and lift weights whilst sitting or reclined but will never jog/run/jump or do anything strenuous so far as lower back pressure is concerned. My groin area and arse are completely denerved so I could take a vasectomy (or red hot poker) without even blinking. Sex is miraculously still achievable but heavily desensitised, but in that respect I'm one of the luckier ones to which my son is a living testament. I also suffer intense neuropathic pain periodically but avoid medication for now because it's not frequent enough to warrant the permanent potential side effects and dependency.
In terms of impact to life - I have got to grips with the day to day reality of it and have held down contracts ever since. I've benefitted greatly by being able to work from home exclusively in the last year and have a bathroom 6 feet away from my desk.
Professional life was significantly impacted when I have had to work onsite in any capacity. Diving out of meetings regularly to use the bathroom, having near accidents (luckily never publicly but it's a matter of time), having to be very careful what I eat and being totally house/bathroom bound if I develop the slightest unsettled stomach.
Social life has taken a similar hit as I just can't be bothered to go anywhere unless I can be absolutely certain I will have regular unrestricted access to bathrooms, ideally accessible ones, and also get uncomfortable sitting for any length of time. I tend to spend a lot of time pacing around and have a standing desk at home.
My main concerns are the impact on my working life longer term as I feel I've been able to power through the last few years of my thirties out of sheer determination, and have been cut a lot of slack by very supportive clients, but it's not sustainable as I age, and I've cut myself out of onsite working especially with travel or away-from-home requirements.
Also my personal care needs are likely to escalate as I age and I'm worried about how this will impact those around me.
The two points above are really what any potential settlement is intended to redress. I was advised by the doctors who treated me to seek legal advice after the neighbouring trust failed to act on clear symptoms. Instead of being offered same-day emergency surgery in a world class facility just up the road, I was sent home. The nerve damage swiftly escalated and became permanent within 48 hours.
I feel pretty bad in this respect as my life has moved on significantly without him. His mum hasn't made proper provisions for him and he sleeps on a sofa at her house. I could offer to accomodate him but the thought of a workshy, non-contributing adult son of my ex-wife living with us doesn't sit comfortably with my new wife, which is hardly surprising.
On a good note he did his first day's actual work in his whole life this week with more to follow next week, and an opportunity to take up a labouring type role with a local tradesman if he delivers. I'm taking him for a beer tomorrow evening and he will probably stay with me for a few days. I try to offer support and advice to him whenever I can.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
The brief version is met a fantastic woman, have been married for 2 years, have an amazing 6 month old son I thought I’ve never have, and am significantly happier than I was in the first marriage.Divorce settlement concluded last summer at great expense and stress as she was gunning for pretty much everything she thought she could get from future income and a potential medical neg claim (you may recall in my opening thread I had just suffered a spinal mishap when she legged it). All put to bed and agreed a reasonable level of spouse maintenance and transfer of meagre pension contribs to her in return for a capital clean break.
I kept the original family home (rented) and most of the possessions in it.
Business is going brilliantly and the first hearing on the neg case 4.5 years after the event is scheduled in a fortnight.
Besides the 6-7 years of my life I’ll never get back (adding the affair duration to the divorce duration), endless sunk costs, stress, blood, tears etc. The only real ongoing issue now is managing the children between two homes with a vacillating, insecure co-parent ex and seeing how it’s ultimately had a detrimental impact on them. Her life isn’t a total car crash as she lives a comfortably supported non-working lifestyle worrying about little more than paying for her next holiday, but the affair guy has been a total uncommitted let down.
GT3Manthey said:
Purely out of interest is she still with the 'affair guy'? I often wonder how many of these affairs ever last
As far as I can tell they have more of an ongoing 'FB' relationship. Hang around and take holidays together but no sign of any plans to cohabit. Not really much a meaningful relationship as far as I can tell, but I'm not party to it. My younger daughter stays at his house sometimes but he doesn't have much time for the autistic one. He still gives his ex-wife hassle but no maintenance. I get occasional updates from her as for a while we were co-ordinating on a few respective divorce matters and became friends. It would be nice if she could settle down with somebody capable of supporting her and playing a stepfatherly role and get married but she's not so daft to do that before the maintenance order ends in 2027. Problem for her is that any prospective suitors will be mature men who have been through the grinder previously and will be naturally very wary.
slow_poke said:
How's life been since the spinal cord injury? How much of an impact compared to life before it?
Bit of a 'TMI' but here goes.I have cauda equina syndrome with permanently destroyed S1 nerves affecting my feet and pelvic area. Bladder and bowel completely paralysed. I survive on catheters and daily bowel irrigation and suffer extreme toilet related urgency and discomfort. My mobility is largely intact but my feet are numb and paralysed so I walk flat-footed and off-balance. I use the gym with a PT who is sympathetic to my medical condition, can walk/cycle/row and lift weights whilst sitting or reclined but will never jog/run/jump or do anything strenuous so far as lower back pressure is concerned. My groin area and arse are completely denerved so I could take a vasectomy (or red hot poker) without even blinking. Sex is miraculously still achievable but heavily desensitised, but in that respect I'm one of the luckier ones to which my son is a living testament. I also suffer intense neuropathic pain periodically but avoid medication for now because it's not frequent enough to warrant the permanent potential side effects and dependency.
In terms of impact to life - I have got to grips with the day to day reality of it and have held down contracts ever since. I've benefitted greatly by being able to work from home exclusively in the last year and have a bathroom 6 feet away from my desk.
Professional life was significantly impacted when I have had to work onsite in any capacity. Diving out of meetings regularly to use the bathroom, having near accidents (luckily never publicly but it's a matter of time), having to be very careful what I eat and being totally house/bathroom bound if I develop the slightest unsettled stomach.
Social life has taken a similar hit as I just can't be bothered to go anywhere unless I can be absolutely certain I will have regular unrestricted access to bathrooms, ideally accessible ones, and also get uncomfortable sitting for any length of time. I tend to spend a lot of time pacing around and have a standing desk at home.
My main concerns are the impact on my working life longer term as I feel I've been able to power through the last few years of my thirties out of sheer determination, and have been cut a lot of slack by very supportive clients, but it's not sustainable as I age, and I've cut myself out of onsite working especially with travel or away-from-home requirements.
Also my personal care needs are likely to escalate as I age and I'm worried about how this will impact those around me.
The two points above are really what any potential settlement is intended to redress. I was advised by the doctors who treated me to seek legal advice after the neighbouring trust failed to act on clear symptoms. Instead of being offered same-day emergency surgery in a world class facility just up the road, I was sent home. The nerve damage swiftly escalated and became permanent within 48 hours.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
He's had a rough ride into early adulthood. His mum left with this guy when he was 15 the week his GCSE exams started. He stayed with me for a while, made a failed attempt at college and drifted off the rails. When his mum re-settled in her own home without the other partner, he went to stay with her and has drifted between there, his grandparents and my house ever since.I feel pretty bad in this respect as my life has moved on significantly without him. His mum hasn't made proper provisions for him and he sleeps on a sofa at her house. I could offer to accomodate him but the thought of a workshy, non-contributing adult son of my ex-wife living with us doesn't sit comfortably with my new wife, which is hardly surprising.
On a good note he did his first day's actual work in his whole life this week with more to follow next week, and an opportunity to take up a labouring type role with a local tradesman if he delivers. I'm taking him for a beer tomorrow evening and he will probably stay with me for a few days. I try to offer support and advice to him whenever I can.
Edited by theboss on Thursday 3rd September 18:44
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