Removing cheating spouse from home - URGENT advice needed

[rovermorris999]

A sobering read. I admire your fortitude, I'm not sure I'd be as strong. Good luck to you.

[jeff666]

To the OP,

I have also followed this saga from the beginning, pleased to hear things have settled down for you and life is treating you a lot better now.

Quick question if you don't mind ? can your ex wife lay claim to your medical neg claim or has that been settled in the divorce settlement ?

[vaud]

rovermorris999 said:

A sobering read. I admire your fortitude, I'm not sure I'd be as strong. Good luck to you.

Agreed. PH has many people's stories that I read and think "f**k me I don't think I could manage my way through that"

Thanks for sharing OP.

[theboss]

jeff666 said:

To the OP,

I have also followed this saga from the beginning, pleased to hear things have settled down for you and life is treating you a lot better now.

Quick question if you don't mind ? can your ex wife lay claim to your medical neg claim or has that been settled in the divorce settlement ?

That risk has been closed.

She initiated a financial remedy claim stating any hypothetical settlement should be marital and demanding a significant lump sum.

Then she realised upon disclosure of all the facts that even if I succeeded it would be years away, not next week, so tried to put the brakes on and get proceedings adjourned pending outcome.

Court said no this has to be dealt with in the present time, and also asked why in any case she thought she should get a fully paid for detached house out of the marriage when we had never owned property in the marriage.

She then changed her tune to demanding maintenance and we negotiated a periodic payment and pension sharing order in return for a capital clean break.

She can always “try it on” I guess.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 3rd September 22:38

[MichaelXJ]

Sounds like life has taken an upturn which is very good to hear. Life is a series of tragic events but its all about making the most of it. I forgot how much i found myself detesting this woman who i have never met and dont even know her name!

Glad you seem to be doing okay and i hope your new relationship carries on. A good life partner is the single most important thing in life in my view and can be the difference between a life wasted and a life well spent

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Thanks.

The health issues are debilitating and it’s only through flexibility in working arrangements and understanding of my circumstances that I’ve been able to keep going - not to be taken for granted as a contractor as no client has had any contractual duty of care for me.

The M5 is still going strong - a high miler now but she’s done me proud as a daily for over 5 years. I’ve shifted most of my miles onto an EV now.

[mr rusty]

I too have followed your saga, and reading your medical situation a thought crossed my mind which I will share. I am a bowel cancer survivor (fortunately caught early and 4 years after surgery still AOK and fine). However, when it first occurred there was a real risk of a colostomy bag, so I did a fair bit of research. It is fair to say that no-one would rush to have one, but those that have had to seem to live very close to normal lives. On the forums there are several cases of people with a "temporary" colostomy then deciding not to have a reversion because it would change from a controllable situation to a "hit and miss".

Have you ever considered this? I don't have one, but my research suggests that it takes away all the anxiety of urgent toilet issues and allows people to deal with their "system" when and where they choose.

I'm not advocating it by any means, but just passing on some thoughts which may or may not have already crossed your mind.

Best wishes and good luck.

[theboss]

mr rusty said:

I too have followed your saga, and reading your medical situation a thought crossed my mind which I will share. I am a bowel cancer survivor (fortunately caught early and 4 years after surgery still AOK and fine). However, when it first occurred there was a real risk of a colostomy bag, so I did a fair bit of research. It is fair to say that no-one would rush to have one, but those that have had to seem to live very close to normal lives. On the forums there are several cases of people with a "temporary" colostomy then deciding not to have a reversion because it would change from a controllable situation to a "hit and miss".

Have you ever considered this? I don't have one, but my research suggests that it takes away all the anxiety of urgent toilet issues and allows people to deal with their "system" when and where they choose.

I'm not advocating it by any means, but just passing on some thoughts which may or may not have already crossed your mind.

Best wishes and good luck.

Thank you.

It is something I have thought about and indeed it’s inevitable for later in life... but when I have broached the subject at this stage it seems doctors don’t like taking an intact albeit neurologically deficient bowel and removing it to fit a stoma. I guess they figure if it’s currently “manageable” they don’t want to do unnecessary surgery. I do intend to take it up with them at the next review as enough years have passed now to conclude that the nerves aren’t going to just fix themselves, although I can live in hope.

A close friends father in his 60’s has had bag fitted just as you say, as a temporary measure, but decided to stick with it rather than face the likelihood of ongoing bowel issues and accident risk and it’s working really well for him so it’s been useful to get a first hand report from somebody who has undergone this change.

thanks again.

[MB140]

theboss said:

That risk has been closed.

She initiated a financial remedy claim stating any hypothetical settlement should be marital and demanding a significant lump sum.

Then she realised upon disclosure of all the facts that even if I succeeded it would be years away, not next week, so tried to put the brakes on and get proceedings adjourned pending outcome.

Court said no this has to be dealt with in the present time, and also asked why in any case she thought she should get a fully paid for detached house out of the marriage when we had never owned property in the marriage.

She then changed her tune to demanding maintenance and we negotiated a periodic payment and pension sharing order in return for a capital clean break.

She can always “try it on” I guess.

Edited by theboss on Thursday 3rd September 22:38

When I got divorced. My now ex wife and I had a financial separation (clean break) order in place.

She came after me after it was all sorted demanding more money. She failed to tell her new solicitor this fact.

It was soon shut down. I’m sure your ex may try but from my understanding and what my solicitor briefed me it’s exceptionally unlikely (normally where people have been economical with the truth about there financial situation at the time the order is signed).

[LeighW]

theboss said:

Thank you.

It is something I have thought about and indeed it’s inevitable for later in life... but when I have broached the subject at this stage it seems doctors don’t like taking an intact albeit neurologically deficient bowel and removing it to fit a stoma. I guess they figure if it’s currently “manageable” they don’t want to do unnecessary surgery. I do intend to take it up with them at the next review as enough years have passed now to conclude that the nerves aren’t going to just fix themselves, although I can live in hope.

A close friends father in his 60’s has had bag fitted just as you say, as a temporary measure, but decided to stick with it rather than face the likelihood of ongoing bowel issues and accident risk and it’s working really well for him so it’s been useful to get a first hand report from somebody who has undergone this change.

thanks again.

My Uncle had a stoma fitted twelve years ago, and he leads a very normal life. He had suffered for many years with ever worsening ulcerative colitis which made his life hell at times. He has no regrets at all, the bag doesn't bother him one bit, although he is a very strong, quite 'matter of fact' type person.

[CubanPete]

What a read OP.

You have showed real emotional intelligence through this.

This might sound like a crazy thing to say... But do you think the CES helped you with your mental state? About 10 years ago I had a change of boss, he was a bully, subtle, combined with a new bullying of a neighbour, between them they caused me all sorts of anxiety / depression issues over quite a long time. I then suffered from bilateral brachial plexus neuritis, which was really pretty unpleasant, ten years on it has recovered as much as it will, but it really did help me rationalise the anxiety issues and I have bizarrely been much happier ever since!

[theboss]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

They are still knocking around in some sort of relationship but it doesn't seem to be substantive.

My instinct says the guy was always a bit of a fantasist but there's probably some half truths. If I had to place a wager I'd bet he has some income but has been good at hiding it from the courts / ex-wife. He still manages to take holidays and flaunt around in newish cars but declares nil income to the CMS. Probably has some limited co set up in a friend/relatives name. I'd rather not speculate.

CubanPete said:

What a read OP.

You have showed real emotional intelligence through this.

This might sound like a crazy thing to say... But do you think the CES helped you with your mental state? About 10 years ago I had a change of boss, he was a bully, subtle, combined with a new bullying of a neighbour, between them they caused me all sorts of anxiety / depression issues over quite a long time. I then suffered from bilateral brachial plexus neuritis, which was really pretty unpleasant, ten years on it has recovered as much as it will, but it really did help me rationalise the anxiety issues and I have bizarrely been much happier ever since!

Thanks.

I don't know whether the CES helped me get through the divorce, or vice versa, but I think its fair to say the combined events have been character building and helped me gain mental resilience.

The time I spent in hospital immediately after my (delayed) emergency surgery, when the prognosis was very unclear, had a profound effect on my mental state. I had the immediate shock of an unexpected health crisis to contend with but also the growing realisation of impending marital doom. My parents were providing emergency childcare cover at home which helped me to realise some pertinent truths such as the fact that it was taking her 3-4 hours to drive 30 miles whenever she visited me in hospital and that she would take an hour to get dressed beforehand.

I remember wondering whether I would be walked or wheeled out of the place and at the same time wondering whether I would even be returning to the marital home or somewhere else. I had a profound sense of sadness that my world had changed irrevocably, but also extreme determination.

Edited by theboss on Saturday 5th September 15:23

[Cyberprog]

theboss said:

The time I spent in hospital immediately after my (delayed) emergency surgery, when the prognosis was very unclear, had a profound effect on my mental state. I had the immediate shock of an unexpected health crisis to contend with but also the growing realisation of impending marital doom. My parents were providing emergency childcare cover at home which helped me to realise some pertinent truths such as the fact that it was taking her 3-4 hours to drive 30 miles whenever she visited me in hospital and that she would take an hour to get dressed beforehand.

I remember wondering whether I would be walked or wheeled out of the place and at the same time wondering whether I would even be returning to the marital home or somewhere else. I had a profound sense of sadness that my world had changed irrevocably, but also extreme determination.

It's sad that she took advantage of the situation like that, and despite your serious medical issues was still playing around. But I think it was that determination to get home or somewhere else (i.e anywhere but the hospital!) that has gotten you to where you are now.

[Starfighter]

It was probably stressful for her as well. That in now way make her entitled to anything it is just part of having a partner.

[youngsyr]

Starfighter said:

It was probably stressful for her as well. That in now way make her entitled to anything it is just part of having a partner.

I wonder if she took the "in sickness and in health" vow, and if she did, what she thought it meant?

[theboss]

Starfighter said:

It was probably stressful for her as well. That in now way make her entitled to anything it is just part of having a partner.

I don’t doubt it. She was quoted as saying “how can this be happening to me”. Bless her.

[Starfighter]

That is what I was suspecting. About her and not about the actual problem.

[slow_poke]

CES, yeah. The gift that keeps on giving. I'd say that anyone with CES has had all reticence about TMI seared away because of what they went through.

[Deathmole]

theboss said:

Starfighter said:

It was probably stressful for her as well. That in now way make her entitled to anything it is just part of having a partner.

I don’t doubt it. She was quoted as saying “how can this be happening to me”. Bless her.

Sorry, it's a terrible situation and I'm glad that you're doing very well despite it all but I did laugh out loud when I read that, what a piece of work she is!

[Psycho Warren]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

isnt that a bit of a cold way to live a marriage? Surely she should stay with you because she loves you rather than it being a transactional material decision.