Separated Parents Question
Discussion
Well today I received the message I'd been dreading.
After stating that the 7k a year that my ex does in picking up and dropping off (actually less than that in reality) has added significant/unaffordable wear and tear on her vehicle she will no long be meeting me half way for the weekends I have my daughter. She also told me that there had been a number of weeks where I had failed to give her the additional fuel costs although this was genuinely a mistake on my part. One I would have rectified if I'd been told.
This leaves me in a real tricky situation. I cannot bring myself to see my daughter less, two weeks between visits is awful as it is. I'm just worried about the driving which may sound stupid on a car forum.
I'm just wary of managing a 65 hours week (including commuting), having a new born child so sleep is reduced to then throw in a 5.30am drive on the Saturday, followed by the same round trip Sunday evening. A total of ten hours driving does is not something I'm envying nor am I feeling confident about doing safely. Not that I suspect that is a contributing factor in terms of legal considerations.
Pretty gutted.
After stating that the 7k a year that my ex does in picking up and dropping off (actually less than that in reality) has added significant/unaffordable wear and tear on her vehicle she will no long be meeting me half way for the weekends I have my daughter. She also told me that there had been a number of weeks where I had failed to give her the additional fuel costs although this was genuinely a mistake on my part. One I would have rectified if I'd been told.
This leaves me in a real tricky situation. I cannot bring myself to see my daughter less, two weeks between visits is awful as it is. I'm just worried about the driving which may sound stupid on a car forum.
I'm just wary of managing a 65 hours week (including commuting), having a new born child so sleep is reduced to then throw in a 5.30am drive on the Saturday, followed by the same round trip Sunday evening. A total of ten hours driving does is not something I'm envying nor am I feeling confident about doing safely. Not that I suspect that is a contributing factor in terms of legal considerations.
Pretty gutted.
Sorry to hear the bad news op, sounds an awful predicament and I feel for you.
it’s a real shame that when this happens parents can’t do the right thing for the child which in most cases is both make an effort to let the child see her father with minimal fuss.
It’s hugely important to stay in her life for little ones sake and it is annoying to say the least that it isn’t shared 50/50 as that seems the logical option, when splitting up logical definitely isn’t a term that comes to mind all too often.
Not knowing the locations etc and transport links I can only suggest like earlier said you either go once a month and take the fri/mon off work and make a trip of it or is it possible that you go to her and stay in a hotel for the weekend? This means more quality time with less travelling time for her but of course unlikely to work if you have a newborn at home.
It’s a tricky situation and I hope you work it out, keep it civil and ask to meet Mum face to face to discuss?
Good luck with it all.
it’s a real shame that when this happens parents can’t do the right thing for the child which in most cases is both make an effort to let the child see her father with minimal fuss.
It’s hugely important to stay in her life for little ones sake and it is annoying to say the least that it isn’t shared 50/50 as that seems the logical option, when splitting up logical definitely isn’t a term that comes to mind all too often.
Not knowing the locations etc and transport links I can only suggest like earlier said you either go once a month and take the fri/mon off work and make a trip of it or is it possible that you go to her and stay in a hotel for the weekend? This means more quality time with less travelling time for her but of course unlikely to work if you have a newborn at home.
It’s a tricky situation and I hope you work it out, keep it civil and ask to meet Mum face to face to discuss?
Good luck with it all.
Keep doing what you’re doing OP, it’s essential that you remain a regular part of your daughters life and it’s also healthy that she has the opportunity to bond with her new half-sibling. If you “disappear” now (not for a moment suggesting you would) but if contact were reduced you could only imagine how a young mind may rationalise this with or without mummy’s influence. You could find yourself cut out of her life. She’s at a very vulnerable age in that sense. My youngest was 7 when it happened and old enough to make her feelings about me very clear should the worst have ever happened, but at only 4 things could have gone very differently if the ex had ever carried out her threats to move away.
Addressing work/life balance is much easier said than done especially if you’re the main breadwinner and everything depends on your job (including to some extent your ex and daughter in question). I work similar crazy hours/commuting but I know full well if I had to do a 260 mike round trip twice every fortnight I’d do it for at least as long as it took to make better arrangements whether that equates to moving closer or changing the work situation.
Is there any way you could finish earlier on a Friday and get up at a reasonable time in the evening so she could sleep in the car and have a much fuller weekend with you?
Re the partner - if you have any concerns you should ask your ex for his details and request a police search under the offenders disclosure scheme. I did this, enjoyed getting my ex’s back up in the process but was also praised by the police for doing “the responsible thing” that not many concerned parents do. If he has any record of sexual or violent offending you should have every right to know about it.
Addressing work/life balance is much easier said than done especially if you’re the main breadwinner and everything depends on your job (including to some extent your ex and daughter in question). I work similar crazy hours/commuting but I know full well if I had to do a 260 mike round trip twice every fortnight I’d do it for at least as long as it took to make better arrangements whether that equates to moving closer or changing the work situation.
Is there any way you could finish earlier on a Friday and get up at a reasonable time in the evening so she could sleep in the car and have a much fuller weekend with you?
Re the partner - if you have any concerns you should ask your ex for his details and request a police search under the offenders disclosure scheme. I did this, enjoyed getting my ex’s back up in the process but was also praised by the police for doing “the responsible thing” that not many concerned parents do. If he has any record of sexual or violent offending you should have every right to know about it.
Thanks again for all the constructive replies.
In terms of work, unfortunately I don't have a lot of choice. I commute into central London for work and locally (Surrey) I would probably take a £10k pay drop. My other half is on maternity leave at the moment and I pay the mortgage, child maintenance to my ex and half of our other living costs along with other bills so I'm not in a position to lose that amount.
I will speak to my manager at work, both of us are able to work from home to an extent and he has mentioned this before. If so then I will aim to pick up my daughter on a Friday evening to take her back on the Sunday.
I have a feeling that this will not play out well with my ex and she will start to dig her heels in over it. One, I think this will just be because it's not how she'll want it and two, it could affect the amount she receives monthly. It's worked out by days per week which would go from two nights a month to equivalent of one a week.
Also, I have been in touch with a friend who's wife is having real issues with her ex. She posed the question to her solicitor about moving and what the travel arrangements would likely be. She said that "the norm" is that travel is considered a joint responsibility. Of course that's not definitive but as I strongly suspect I will start having difficulty with access I have to collate as much info as I can in case things hit the fan.
In terms of work, unfortunately I don't have a lot of choice. I commute into central London for work and locally (Surrey) I would probably take a £10k pay drop. My other half is on maternity leave at the moment and I pay the mortgage, child maintenance to my ex and half of our other living costs along with other bills so I'm not in a position to lose that amount.
I will speak to my manager at work, both of us are able to work from home to an extent and he has mentioned this before. If so then I will aim to pick up my daughter on a Friday evening to take her back on the Sunday.
I have a feeling that this will not play out well with my ex and she will start to dig her heels in over it. One, I think this will just be because it's not how she'll want it and two, it could affect the amount she receives monthly. It's worked out by days per week which would go from two nights a month to equivalent of one a week.
Also, I have been in touch with a friend who's wife is having real issues with her ex. She posed the question to her solicitor about moving and what the travel arrangements would likely be. She said that "the norm" is that travel is considered a joint responsibility. Of course that's not definitive but as I strongly suspect I will start having difficulty with access I have to collate as much info as I can in case things hit the fan.
Sorry to hear it op, luckily your daughter is so young she won't remember much about these years, you just need to be a familiar face for her.
Drop it down to visiting her for the day. Drive up in morning, drive home in evening sleep it off & relax on Sunday.
You still get quality time, milage becomes more barable and then during holidays etc go for the long weekend at home. Maybe one Monday a month off and have her then.
DONT over think it or look at the long term, just take it a few months at a time for now and focus on the relationship you will have with her when she is older.
.
I did it like that for a few years and it worked out fine. Now she is 9 and the car journies are part of our quality time together. I dont remember much about the 2hour 40 journey to her & then again back, but it was worth it for what I have with her now.
I also am massively pleased I forced a civil relationship with my ex, desbite her *never* meeting me halfway with the journies or travelling. Play the long game mate, you will thanks your self for it in the future .
Drop it down to visiting her for the day. Drive up in morning, drive home in evening sleep it off & relax on Sunday.
You still get quality time, milage becomes more barable and then during holidays etc go for the long weekend at home. Maybe one Monday a month off and have her then.
DONT over think it or look at the long term, just take it a few months at a time for now and focus on the relationship you will have with her when she is older.
.
I did it like that for a few years and it worked out fine. Now she is 9 and the car journies are part of our quality time together. I dont remember much about the 2hour 40 journey to her & then again back, but it was worth it for what I have with her now.
I also am massively pleased I forced a civil relationship with my ex, desbite her *never* meeting me halfway with the journies or travelling. Play the long game mate, you will thanks your self for it in the future .
Thanks mate, another helpful post and thank you. It's good to hear from people that have been through similar.
I've managed to work out a good set up. Spoken to my boss who's a family man and very understanding. I work in Central London so the commute is 90 minutes. We have an office 20 minutes from me and 10 minutes from the motorway so one Friday a month I can work from there and head off at 4pm. The other Friday I can work from home and again head off at 4pm.
So from this Friday I'll be picking up my little girl on a Friday evening. This works fairly well as she can sleep on the way home in the car and I can put her to bed. She then gets two nights and a proper day with me on the Saturday, plus I'm not up at 5am.
I did get in touch with the CSA as well, just to see what the situation was regarding travel and costs etc. This is something they take into account. I also spoke with a family solicitor as having worked in the legal industry I have some close friends who can put me in touch. Received some very good advice on that.
Essentially there's no clear cut answer to the question about sharing driving. There are many factors that contribute. For example my ex's car being reasonable condition, who moved away etc.
That said, if it went down that legal route I would by default be entitled to more holiday access as in they would be shared. Something she has always argued, the same would go for holidays as well. In terms of the drive, by emphasising how tiring it is it could go a different way and be judged that actually every other weekend is too much for my daughter and be extended to three weeks.
Either way a very very tricky one and unless the ex become more and more difficult with other things, I'm not sure I can justify a legal situation for the sake of driving but for other things it may be necessary.
Watch this space. In the mean time, I've downloaded a new audio book for the drive so watch this space.
I've managed to work out a good set up. Spoken to my boss who's a family man and very understanding. I work in Central London so the commute is 90 minutes. We have an office 20 minutes from me and 10 minutes from the motorway so one Friday a month I can work from there and head off at 4pm. The other Friday I can work from home and again head off at 4pm.
So from this Friday I'll be picking up my little girl on a Friday evening. This works fairly well as she can sleep on the way home in the car and I can put her to bed. She then gets two nights and a proper day with me on the Saturday, plus I'm not up at 5am.
I did get in touch with the CSA as well, just to see what the situation was regarding travel and costs etc. This is something they take into account. I also spoke with a family solicitor as having worked in the legal industry I have some close friends who can put me in touch. Received some very good advice on that.
Essentially there's no clear cut answer to the question about sharing driving. There are many factors that contribute. For example my ex's car being reasonable condition, who moved away etc.
That said, if it went down that legal route I would by default be entitled to more holiday access as in they would be shared. Something she has always argued, the same would go for holidays as well. In terms of the drive, by emphasising how tiring it is it could go a different way and be judged that actually every other weekend is too much for my daughter and be extended to three weeks.
Either way a very very tricky one and unless the ex become more and more difficult with other things, I'm not sure I can justify a legal situation for the sake of driving but for other things it may be necessary.
Watch this space. In the mean time, I've downloaded a new audio book for the drive so watch this space.
Excellent new with regards to work, you have a good boss there!
Remember legal is a truly nuclear/mutually assured destruction option. No going back, guaranteed to upset/anger/poison her towards you.
You are there for your daughter, and it is in her best interest for her parents to be amicable. A toxic atmosphere will cause you 5x more pain then a few years of long journies.
Got to play the long game in these situations.
Remember legal is a truly nuclear/mutually assured destruction option. No going back, guaranteed to upset/anger/poison her towards you.
You are there for your daughter, and it is in her best interest for her parents to be amicable. A toxic atmosphere will cause you 5x more pain then a few years of long journies.
Got to play the long game in these situations.
Alex_225 Just glad I'm well out of the rubbish you're going through, had similar 40 years ago and I really do feel for you/other men that have to take this unfair system.
Your manager sounds like a decent chap so I'm well pleased that your life will be that bit easier for you.
You must also to do the right thing for your new family as well so don't make their life difficult.
Chin up-onwards and upwards
Your manager sounds like a decent chap so I'm well pleased that your life will be that bit easier for you.
You must also to do the right thing for your new family as well so don't make their life difficult.
Chin up-onwards and upwards
It's great to see Dad's wanting to be part of their kids lives. My kids have not seen their Dad for years despite trying to instigate contact in the past, they have given up now. He is simply not interested in his first family.
He's unaware he is going to be a granddad this year and not that it's my business but I'm in no rush for him to find out and f@ck up another child's life by everything being on his terms as and when he can be bothered.
As others have said, so long as your child sees you and knows you want to see her, all will be good
He's unaware he is going to be a granddad this year and not that it's my business but I'm in no rush for him to find out and f@ck up another child's life by everything being on his terms as and when he can be bothered.
As others have said, so long as your child sees you and knows you want to see her, all will be good
I keep saying thank you but this thread has genuinely been a help.
I have my head around the fact that I will be doing a lot of driving, to be fair the mileage and costs is not the concern but the time. Fortunately with work being decent I can actually have more time with my eldest daughter and she gets a bit more quality time at my place, with her own bedroom etc.
I have informed my ex that there will be a variation in maintenance due to the mileage and my 2nd child being born. It's actually fairly minimal and usually I'm not as pedantic but when I get moaned at that the money I gave for fuel wasn't enough as it cost her another £9 on that given weekend, it brings out my inner pedant. How someone only gets 40mpg from a 1.5dci when I manage 47mpg from a 3.2 diesel I don't know either.............aaaanyway! haha
Lets see how things pan out though, iPad will be loaded with Disney movies, new audio book downloaded and ready to go (World War Z fyi) so we'll be ok.
Also, I think a dad is so important to a daughter and as much as she has a father figure in the form of my ex's partner, knowing her real dad wants to see her and spend time with her I hope will make a positive impact.
I have my head around the fact that I will be doing a lot of driving, to be fair the mileage and costs is not the concern but the time. Fortunately with work being decent I can actually have more time with my eldest daughter and she gets a bit more quality time at my place, with her own bedroom etc.
I have informed my ex that there will be a variation in maintenance due to the mileage and my 2nd child being born. It's actually fairly minimal and usually I'm not as pedantic but when I get moaned at that the money I gave for fuel wasn't enough as it cost her another £9 on that given weekend, it brings out my inner pedant. How someone only gets 40mpg from a 1.5dci when I manage 47mpg from a 3.2 diesel I don't know either.............aaaanyway! haha
Lets see how things pan out though, iPad will be loaded with Disney movies, new audio book downloaded and ready to go (World War Z fyi) so we'll be ok.
solo2 said:
It's great to see Dad's wanting to be part of their kids lives. My kids have not seen their Dad for years despite trying to instigate contact in the past, they have given up now. He is simply not interested in his first family.
I just can not imagine feeling that way and not wanting to make the effort. It kills me not seeing my little girl and even after 4 years I'm saddened every time I say goodbye. How dads can be round the corner from their children and not be fussed staggers me. All the more frustrating for me as a father who can't see one of his children as much as he would want to. Also, I think a dad is so important to a daughter and as much as she has a father figure in the form of my ex's partner, knowing her real dad wants to see her and spend time with her I hope will make a positive impact.
Well, did my first weekend of driving albeit Friday I was met part of the way due to not leaving work earlier. As it happens it wasn't such a bad drive and in a way it's quite nice not having to rely on another person who may make things awkward.
Also, sat at 65mph the entire way mostly on cruise control, indicated 50mpg and cost me £32 which for 260 miles really isn't bad at all. Even more so for an old 3.2 diesel.
Having my little girl for two nights was good too, she managed to stay awake for the journey home and we had a nice day out on the Saturday as we had a whole day together.
Also, sat at 65mph the entire way mostly on cruise control, indicated 50mpg and cost me £32 which for 260 miles really isn't bad at all. Even more so for an old 3.2 diesel.
Having my little girl for two nights was good too, she managed to stay awake for the journey home and we had a nice day out on the Saturday as we had a whole day together.
Alex_225 said:
Well, did my first weekend of driving albeit Friday I was met part of the way due to not leaving work earlier. As it happens it wasn't such a bad drive and in a way it's quite nice not having to rely on another person who may make things awkward.
Having my little girl for two nights was good too, she managed to stay awake for the journey home and we had a nice day out on the Saturday as we had a whole day together.
Also, sat at 65mph the entire way mostly on cruise control, indicated 50mpg and cost me £32 which for 260 miles really isn't bad at all. Even more so for an old 3.2 diesel.
Having my little girl for two nights was good too, she managed to stay awake for the journey home and we had a nice day out on the Saturday as we had a whole day together.
Also, sat at 65mph the entire way mostly on cruise control, indicated 50mpg and cost me £32 which for 260 miles really isn't bad at all. Even more so for an old 3.2 diesel.
Very good result, pleased to hear it!
Podcasts are great for this sort of thing, finding a good podcast for whatever mood your in can make it an enjoyable way of spending time. Ask on here for recommendations based on your interests & you will be amazed at how you can zone out on a long journey.
I have everything from Paranormal talk shows (Darkness Radio - great for dark, rainy nights on quiet A roads...), Automotive chat (click & clack, lets talk about cars yo), Interesting facts (stuff you should know, behind the stats) bit of politics (any questions/any answers).... etc etc
Podcasts are great for this sort of thing, finding a good podcast for whatever mood your in can make it an enjoyable way of spending time. Ask on here for recommendations based on your interests & you will be amazed at how you can zone out on a long journey.
I have everything from Paranormal talk shows (Darkness Radio - great for dark, rainy nights on quiet A roads...), Automotive chat (click & clack, lets talk about cars yo), Interesting facts (stuff you should know, behind the stats) bit of politics (any questions/any answers).... etc etc
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