Experience with extra marital affairs!

Experience with extra marital affairs!

Author
Discussion

enzozidanedragan

Original Poster:

21 posts

2 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
I've found out my partner has been or had (still unsure of whether they've ended it, apparently I've been told it's over but have been lied to so much that I don't know what to believe!) an affair for the last 6 months. My partner travels extensively for work and met the person while travelling. They then decided to carry on their affair and met up in every destination that my partner travelled to with work.

We have been married for quite some time, well over 10 years, and have children together.

When I originally found out I was lied to I was told the affair was a mistake and wasn't a big deal and was just a 'kiss' and that they hadn't slept with each other but done "everything but" and that they hadn't met each other since but had kept in contact through phone calls, WhatsApp, emails etc so they'd got emotionally involved not so much physically involved (this person who they had the affair with I will just point out has my partner's dream looks and assets!). I just felt this wasn't right and so kept digging and digging and my partner kept having a go at me saying "You don't want to make it work if you keep going over it and looking for things". However, my perseverance paid off because I've since found out that they met up in hotels and stayed together in 5 different global locations and yes they did 'everything' not just kiss blah blah.

If it had of been a one night drunken mistake I might have been able to forgive but and I was learning to forgive and move on but now that I've uncovered the full truth I am not so sure anymore. I've now got to deal with the affair but bigger still is the constant lies and that I've had to work so hard to uncover the truth. I gave them lots of opportunities to tell me the truth, I asked direct questions about whether they had met up in certain locations and was told no (to later found out that they had). I actually could have dealt with the physical affair but it's the pathological lies to cover up the full extent of the affair that has been the worst and most hurtful of it all.

My partner will always need to travel for work but now I am in turmoil about whether I can trust them and whether I want to! There's been talk about me travelling with my partner to alleviate my fears but I have a job too and that's hard as well as the disruption to our children as they would be passed off to relatives and they're of an age when they need help with homework and emotional support through high school.

Has anyone else had this experience? Any advice?

paul.deitch

1,390 posts

194 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Well it's very hard to regain trust in anyone after such an experience, but not impossible. First look at counselling. If your partner is not willing then you have your answer. Failing that think of the kids first. You can always find another partner but they'll never have another biological dad. Good luck.

mikiec

38 posts

23 months

Saturday 12th January
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IMO once the trust has gone the relationship is stuffed. Carrying on an affair is a deliberate act and requires a lot of deception.
Regardless of your kids you deserve better, if I was in your shoes she would be out of house for good.

Sa Calobra

27,617 posts

148 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Sorry once it becomes a regular deception it's gone.

Wipe your dignity off the floor and move on.

Never stay together for the kids sake.

They need happy parents too.

Even if she didn't travel again she's had a taste for other men.

Edited by Sa Calobra on Saturday 12th January 05:31

Ructions

3,103 posts

58 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Listen to the posters above, trust gone, move on. Try to keep it civil for the sake of the kids, but you really need to look after your interests now.
You will come back from this.
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Spoon Burner

7,338 posts

124 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
enzozidanedragan said:
I've found out my partner has been or had (still unsure of whether they've ended it, apparently I've been told it's over but have been lied to so much that I don't know what to believe!) an affair for the last 6 months. My partner travels extensively for work and met the person while travelling. They then decided to carry on their affair and met up in every destination that my partner traveled to with work.

We have been married for quite some time, well over 10 years, and have children together.

When I originally found out I was lied to I was told the affair was a mistake and wasn't a big deal and was just a 'kiss' and that they hadn't slept with each other but done "everything but" and that they hadn't met each other since but had kept in contact through phone calls, WhatsApp, emails etc so they'd got emotionally involved not so much physically involved (this person who they had the affair with I will just point out has my partner's dream looks and assets!). I just felt this wasn't right and so kept digging and digging and my partner kept having a go at me saying "You don't want to make it work if you keep going over it and looking for things". However, my perseverance paid off because I've since found out that they met up in hotels and stayed together in 5 different global locations and yes they did 'everything' not just kiss blah blah.

If it had of been a one night drunken mistake I might have been able to forgive but and I was learning to forgive and move on but now that I've uncovered the full truth I am not so sure anymore. I've now got to deal with the affair but bigger still is the constant lies and that I've had to work so hard to uncover the truth. I gave them lots of opportunities to tell me the truth, I asked direct questions about whether they had met up in certain locations and was told no (to later found out that they had). I actually could have dealt with the physical affair but it's the pathological lies to cover up the full extent of the affair that has been the worst and most hurtful of it all.

My partner will always need to travel for work but now I am in turmoil about whether I can trust them and whether I want to! There's been talk about me travelling with my partner to alleviate my fears but I have a job too and that's hard as well as the disruption to our children as they would be passed off to relatives and they're of an age when they need help with homework and emotional support through high school.

Has anyone else had this experience? Any advice?
Assuming you're not trolling are you for real? You still aren't convinced it's over, she's lied to you repeatedly and you're still trying to salvage the marriage?

The marriage is over, get rid of her immediately you fool. 6 months of continuous indiscretion is not recoverable imo.

Petrus1983

1,616 posts

99 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
It’s over. Keep it civil but also appreciate that women often play mean over these things - even when they’re in the wrong.

br d

6,548 posts

163 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Spoon Burner said:
The marriage is over, get rid of her immediately you fool.
Totally unnecessary attitude to take to someone seeking such difficult advice.


Writhing

195 posts

46 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Is the partner male or female ? Its not clear in the original message. Not that it makes much difference. Leopards don’t change their spots. The partner may feel remorse right now but it is probably because they got caught rather than any sorrow for you.

Brainpox

2,436 posts

88 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Even if you opt for counselling or whatever there will always be that lack of trust lurking in the back of your mind and she will pick up on this. The kids might notice something is not right also.

It'll be difficult to make the call but just remember she clearly has no respect for you (shes already been trying to put the blame on you for it!) so the only option is to bump her off as it will just get worse with time.

grumbledoak

23,685 posts

170 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Repeated meet ups and lying? It's over. You can play make believe if you want, it won't change anything - you'll just be back here in a year. You may as well make your exit plans now.

Eyersey1234

783 posts

16 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Sorry to hear this, as others have said once the trust is gone it's over.

marksx

3,326 posts

127 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Petrus1983 said:
It’s over. Keep it civil but also appreciate that women often play mean over these things - even when they’re in the wrong.
Friend's wife has done this, cheated on him repeatedly, finally divorced, and is now rinsing him for everything. Custody of the kids, spousal support (despite now living with the guy she had the affair with) etc etc

techiedave

5,402 posts

47 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Oh dear
I reckon around 150 posts until its sussed

98elise

13,480 posts

98 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Writhing said:
Is the partner male or female ? Its not clear in the original message. Not that it makes much difference. Leopards don’t change their spots. The partner may feel remorse right now but it is probably because they got caught rather than any sorrow for you.
I would say it's purposely written to avoid any indication of the sex of any of the people involved. Odd subject for a first post on a car forum.

My Spidey senses are tingling!


Edited by 98elise on Saturday 12th January 11:33

ozzuk

477 posts

64 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
I can't see anyway back from this - and I don't know why you would want to. It might seem not real as you haven't caught them at it - so it's likely surreal, a really bad situation that you want to avoid, not think about or ignore. Hence why you are even considering staying together.

But it has happened, and not only have they done that to you but look how easily they have lied to you. Why would you want to be with someone who has that little respect for you or the family unit. Forgiving them a one off, okay people make mistakes, but this was planned, the lying was planned and it carried on irrespective of the impact to you and the kids.

Time to toughen up, you deserve to be with someone better - or indeed on your own. Dont' be a doormat, it isn't better for the kids (sends the wrong message). All IMO of course.

Good luck.

stuartmmcfc

6,412 posts

129 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
Writhing said:
Is the partner male or female ? Its not clear in the original message. Not that it makes much difference. Leopards don’t change their spots. The partner may feel remorse right now but it is probably because they got caught rather than any sorrow for you.
This is my puzzle aswell. I think the op is female and cheater is male, which if correct, makes all the “all women are snakes with tits” posts a bit premature.

alfie2244

8,625 posts

125 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
techiedave said:
Oh dear
I reckon around 150 posts until its sussed
149 I reckon.

irocfan

17,946 posts

127 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
stuartmmcfc said:
Writhing said:
Is the partner male or female ? Its not clear in the original message. Not that it makes much difference. Leopards don’t change their spots. The partner may feel remorse right now but it is probably because they got caught rather than any sorrow for you.
This is my puzzle aswell. I think the op is female and cheater is male, which if correct, makes all the “all women are snakes with tits” posts a bit premature.
Indeed - is it an exercise in looking at casual sexism?

Assuming it's not (and my apologies if that is the case) it does seem to be a hard one to recover from. A one off affair would be be bad enough - a lengthy one might be more of an issue. Trust is all - would you trust your partner on the next trip, or the one after or several after etc?

Sa Calobra

27,617 posts

148 months

Saturday 12th January
quotequote all
I've been on the other side of the fence. OP if you need any insight feel free to pm me.