Middle aged virgins

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Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Tuesday 22nd May 2018
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toohuge said:
Ari said:
That's interesting. I do know someone (a lady, mid forties) who (I think!) is like that, certainly never been any evidence of any kind of relationship, but I don't know here well enough to discuss it with her.

Do you think that maybe there is someone out there somewhere who, in the right circumstances could spark your interest, or do you feel that it's simply not there to be sparked?
That’s a tough on Ari - I think it’s a case of something missing to be sparked - rather than a compatibility issue. Even when I was in relationships before, in love, it was never a priority on my agenda.

I think the best way to try and describe it would be, if offered the option of spending the day in bed, enjoying unspeakable activities or going out hiking/ any other organized activity - I’d never opt for staying in the bedroom.

The concept of ‘romance’ simply isn’t there.

It’s a little sad at times I admit. In the relationships I’ve been in - I’ve always wanted to take someone out on a romantic date etc. but just don’t seem to have that connection in me. It works two ways though - it means you don’t pick up on romantic actions towards yiu either which is a shame.
Again, interesting, thank you. I guess we're all wired differently. smile

MG CHRIS

9,077 posts

166 months

Tuesday 22nd May 2018
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I'm 25 and have no desires to be in a relationship or infact chase girls. The story on the following page sums me up pretty much. There is a big pressure on people that are not in relationships/single for a long time but in mainly comes from the older generations. The amount of times a older member of my family comes up with the oh are you seeing anyone etc etc line it's frankly annoying.

My social circle is mainly blokes being in the car trade it's very rare to have women in the trades specially on the tools and the women that are in the car scene with the racing and meets are usually all ready taken. I'm not a big drinker so don't spend ages down the pub or down town etc and tbf I prefer my own company and my personality is on the introverted side. Unless I'm meeting new people that have the same passion (racing) I do find it hard to generate conversation if that be male of female, or will take a long time too build up a trust in a relationship.

The most awkward moment was at my best mates stag do. 4 of us were all friends in school and are the only ones from school we speak too 10 years on so all know each other well. Mix in the father in law few members of his family and work mates who ive never meet before to say I was uncomfortable was a understatement. And on to the fact I didn't drink a lot as when I do I say what I really think and being with a few people ive never meet/don't like the father in law thought best too keep everything calm for my mates sake.

Day went into night my mate who at this point is rather drunk along with my other mate who is equally as drunk are know chatting up some girls in the bar and trying too get them too chat with me. Now try an imagine your average south wales valley girl and you get the picture. I made my attention quiet clear I was not interested too both the girls and my mates however they didn't get the hint. After about another 20mins and continued hassle I just walked out and left them too it.
He done it a few months after the wedding when it was just the 4 of us which very quickly told him if he keeps on doing it I will walk out, again this time drink involved.

Despite all that I'm happy the way I am I have no ties or responsibilities I can do what I like when I like and enjoy being single. Would I actively seek out a relationship no but through chance if I meet someone and it feels right I would chase that life. As long as your happy in your life and surround yourself with good people that all that matters.

Clockwork Cupcake

74,390 posts

271 months

Tuesday 22nd May 2018
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Cold said:
I've been on my own for about ten years now. I suppose it would be quite nice to have someone in my life again but the whole process is such a crappy thing to go through that I just can't face it.
Meh, no big deal really.
Totally with you on that. yes

I'm very happily single and feel no real compunction to change that.

anonymous-user

53 months

Tuesday 22nd May 2018
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I've not had it off for 10 years, I could pay for it but can't be arsed. Sometimes it would be nice but most of the time the internet would do. It is how some people are rich some are poor the balances of life.

I do know someone 44 male, says he has had it off but I pretty sure he hasn't.

Clockwork Cupcake

74,390 posts

271 months

Tuesday 22nd May 2018
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I can't say I'm that fussed really. Plus there is added complexity for me because of my gender identity and sexuality. Plus a lot of the guys who are attracted to me see it as some sort of fetish thing or else see a trans woman as being a way to indulge in homosexuality without the curse / coming out of the closet.

Meh. I'll pass thanks.


Edited by Clockwork Cupcake on Tuesday 22 May 22:57

Rich_W

12,548 posts

211 months

Tuesday 22nd May 2018
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esxste said:
I disagree.

It's a convenient excuse to not even try to chat up a girl. They convince themselves the girls don't want to be approached; ergo they're doing the girl a favour and its absolutely nothing to do with their fear of rejection.
It's possibly 50/50 then wink
50% fear of rejection
50% fear of consequences

esxste said:
How you can help a friend in this situation? Help build up their confidence and keep them well away from tinder biggrin
Im not convinced you can help, those who don't want to be helped.


captain_cynic said:
. The latest iteration of MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) or ROK (Return of Kings).
Whilst clearly there is subsets of those groups that just hate women and blame them for their failings, a cursory look at ROK shows many articles on self improvement. Whether that's expanding your travels, working towards a better job or even just improving your physique. Those strike me as constructive ways to attract women into your life with the aim of relationships/marriage/children.


Since we're now talking friends.


I know a guy (who knows a guy wink ) Mid 30s, and he's a thoroughly good egg. Sure he's carrying a few extra stone, which is odd given the amount of exercise/ training he does! But he's not Quasimodo.

To my knowledge I and no one else have ever heard him talk about former girlfriends, or even just girls he was seeing past or present. He will do the nudge and wink when a nice girl is around, but it never goes further than that. He's not socially awkward around girls. He just struggles to make any interactions more than just platonic. I gently cajole him from time to time to find a GF, I'll suggest a girl we both know but he always tells me that they aren't interested. Or he'll make some other excuse. Often he'll mention that he still lives at home, or that hes not earning loads of money. (who is?) I don't offer him any advice or push him. Since as above, I don't think it'll make any difference.

Whats interesting is that like MG Chris above, he doesn't drink. I'm a social drinker. Maybe one a week. But if anything I found excessive drinking makes you cack at talking to women. 1, maybe 2, drink to a) loosen you a bit and b) make you not stand out in a bar as the only person not holding a drink laugh

On a related note, I was never a player. And Im still not now (although chatting up girls no longer holds the fear it once did. 15 years ago I wouldn't have chatted up a girl on the Tube for example) But I noticed a significant difference to my "women skills" biggrin when my social circle evolved a little and a few of the more tragic people got shuffled out. The vibe improved, we were more active in our pursuit of tail. We had more fun and I have no doubt that dancing like fking idiots and laughing made us more attractive to girls in general. Also a change of wardrobe can help.

Some of the people that have struggled with this aspect of their lives could do worse than go out with a different group from time to time. See if it raises their game. Something might click.

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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I don't hate women I just never really had the luck. I must be the only person that has gone to magaluf three times and didn't get a shag.

Thread like this bring the alphas out when in reality I lot don't have it a lot.

Disastrous

10,072 posts

216 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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Thesprucegoose said:
Thread like this bring the alphas out when in reality I lot don't have it a lot.
I don’t think it has though - it’s been uncharacteristically polite and thought provoking thus far??

bloomen

6,843 posts

158 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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Thesprucegoose said:
I don't hate women I just never really had the luck. I must be the only person that has gone to magaluf three times and didn't get a shag.

Thread like this bring the alphas out when in reality I lot don't have it a lot.
Billions of betas are shagging away contentedly too.

It wouldn't occur to me to attempt to pull when on holiday or a night out. If I'm out it's always with people I haven't seen for ages so the last thing I want to do is wander off with a stranger. If I'm on my hols then I'm far more interested in hitting the road than slobbering all over someone who I'll be abandoning in the morning anyway.

I learnt long ago that if you don't ask you don't get, and it's often very surprising who's amenable to being asked, or they may even ask you.

My great uncle spent decades pining unrequitedly for someone who was a regular in his circle. That strikes me as a monumental waste of life. I would've laid it out within a few days of the feeling dawning. If they'd been appalled then so be it and on to the next one.

I can't be bothered any more. If in future I can then whoever's on the scene will know it. It's a disservice to yourself and (possibly) to them not to make a vague grunt of interest.


Edited by bloomen on Wednesday 23 May 01:08

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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There are swingers websites where literally you have a pulse and a dick you can get a shag. The husband might be watching though..

The point about alphas was people commenting that they couldn't fathom no sex, when there are millions of marriages that happily survive without it.

Helvetica42

89 posts

158 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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I lost my virginity at 26, more because I felt I had to rather than actually wanting to. I'm now 36 and have only ever had that one short term girlfriend. It's been 10 years since I've even been on a date or anything, let alone had sex. It is just not something that really bothers me, although I do try and change the subject when friends or people at work start talking about relationships.

I have Autism, so meeting and speaking to girls never really came naturally to me; it is a social situation I still actively avoid and I think that is part of the problem. Because of the ASD, I often don't even notice or interpret the hints / flirts from girls. I was once, subtly and indirectly asked if I wanted to grab a drink, but I hadn't understood what she meant so just ended my conversation with her and turned back to my friend. It wasn't until afterwards that my friend explained what she had said. She probably thought I was rude and a weirdo, which I guess to a lot of people I probably come across that way.

Despite all that, I'm quite content in the way things are. I've no idea if I will meet someone who will change my ways, but I certainly won't go actively seeking a relationship or signing up for the Undateables.


Edited by Helvetica42 on Wednesday 23 May 08:16

simonpieman

364 posts

185 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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This is a refreshingly mature, balanced and open discussion. We are in NPE, aren't we?

Seriously though, the openness of contributors is appreciated.

The Dangerous Elk

4,642 posts

76 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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simonpieman said:
This is a refreshingly mature, balanced and open discussion. We are in NPE, aren't we?

Seriously though, the openness of contributors is appreciated.
This, enlightening

Gary29

4,131 posts

98 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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I was a 'slow starter' by the standards of my peers, didn't help I was painfully shy and work in a male only environment so the opportunity to meet new people was scarce to say the least!

The stigma attached to being a virgin was considerable back then (15 years ago) I think people are generally more understanding these days and don't see it as any form of 'failure'

I'm happily attached now and have done ok with the fairer sex since I came out of my shell a bit, it really is all about having a little confidence.

My brother is approaching 40 and has never had a long term partner, couple of flings but that's about it, he's the happiest fella you could ever meet and more financially stable than anyone else I know, starting to think he has the right idea!

NDA

21,479 posts

224 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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toohuge said:
That’s a tough on Ari - I think it’s a case of something missing to be sparked - rather than a compatibility issue. Even when I was in relationships before, in love, it was never a priority on my agenda.

I think the best way to try and describe it would be, if offered the option of spending the day in bed, enjoying unspeakable activities or going out hiking/ any other organized activity - I’d never opt for staying in the bedroom.

The concept of ‘romance’ simply isn’t there.

It’s a little sad at times I admit. In the relationships I’ve been in - I’ve always wanted to take someone out on a romantic date etc. but just don’t seem to have that connection in me. It works two ways though - it means you don’t pick up on romantic actions towards yiu either which is a shame.
There are many women for whom sex is unimportant - my wife for example.

In seriousness, there really are women out there who would want to have a more platonic relationship - I guess it's about setting the goalposts very early on in an encounter about what you're looking for (or not). Communication is key.





gregs656

10,816 posts

180 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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esxste said:
You should bring it up in a private chat. Maybe he's asexual and happy. Maybe he's a closet gay and leading some double life banging dudes off grindr. Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk to girls. Maybe he's so scared of public humilation he's not even willing to try.
We have all tried at various points to be tactful about it.

I don't really mind what he is or isn't interested in, but it would be a shame if he didn't think he was good enough for anyone because he's a decent bloke. Likewise it would be awful if he thought he had to keep something a secret.

I also don't think it's just about sex at all. The whole process of meeting women and getting to know them, that amazing sense that you've just clicked with someone and I suppose the feeling of being wanted is quite powerful, for me anyway.

alfaman

6,416 posts

233 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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NDA said:
There are many women for whom sex is unimportant - my wife for example.
seem to recall a Marx Brothers quote :

Q : "what food puts women off sex ?"


A: "wedding cake"






227bhp

10,203 posts

127 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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This is hardly news is it, it's nothing new.
I believe there have been some changes in Japan though in recent years with many blokes (women weren't mentioned) who just don't don't bother anymore.
I can see why these days with the easily available pron. Get up on a morning, knock one out in a few minutes, go to work. Why have the hassle of involving someone else?

captain_cynic

11,872 posts

94 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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Rich_W said:
Whilst clearly there is subsets of those groups that just hate women and blame them for their failings, a cursory look at ROK shows many articles on self improvement. Whether that's expanding your travels, working towards a better job or even just improving your physique. Those strike me as constructive ways to attract women into your life with the aim of relationships/marriage/children.
If you've ever ventured into ROK forums, you'll find that all camouflage to disguise the level of vitriol of its members. Usually those articles are written by someone completely unaffiliated with ROK and copied without permission.

Sure there are plenty of sites dedicated to helping men who are unlucky at love (so to speak), it's just that groups like ROK and MGTOW aren't amongst them.

Rich_W said:
Since we're now talking friends.


I know a guy (who knows a guy wink ) Mid 30s, and he's a thoroughly good egg. Sure he's carrying a few extra stone, which is odd given the amount of exercise/ training he does! But he's not Quasimodo.
Some people are voluntarily single, but not necessarily loners. Maybe he just likes a certain type of girl that isn't readily available in the UK (I.E. Pacific Islander or Latina). Also that with a modern life, often we don't have a lot of time to pursue relationships.

I was married at 21, divorced by 25, I can understand that some people just don't want a relationship, what I don't understand are the people who think it's involuntary and are bitter about it. If you just want to get laid, there are some very easy ways to do it.

Russian Troll Bot

24,942 posts

226 months

Wednesday 23rd May 2018
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I'm another one who has never had any sort of long term relationship, my longest being 3 months in my teens and a few odd flings since. Never understood how to talk to or read women, which has led to several awkward situations where I was convinced someone liked me when she was just being friendly. The older you get the harder it gets, since everyone else around you is invariably more experienced. Had zero luck with online dating either, it takes a lot just to build up the confidence or think of what to say, so when no reply is received it feels like a big setback and a personal slight.

On the other hand, I'd rather be single than stuck in an abusive or unhappy relationship. And if there is one thing I have learned, it's that you cannot force someone to find you attractive, just as you cannot force yourself to find someone attractive.
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