Domestic financials
Discussion
GT03ROB said:
In a logical world where 2 people share exactly the same ideas about money yes it may work. I'm not going to quote numbers but if you see how much my wife can get through on nothing you would realize you simply cannot have joint accounts with common access.
My wife is Italian. It is absolutely essential that her financial escapades are not just ring fenced but also protected from debit balances. Italians ladies have no natural concept of either money nor work. My wife has no understanding of the costs of running a household, cost of living, how to generate an income and has no desire to either. On the one hand it is immensely irritating to live with some who thinks money beyond a basic salary simply falls into your lap but on the other hand it’s actually amusing to see the look of confusion when you gently attempt to explain that paying £20k for a bespoke wall paper is f
king moronic. She doesn’t care what others have, will never complain or make any comment regarding any friends who have more and you eventually get used to the occasional hazardous events as being informed that we have bought 6 dining chairs while on a trip to New York as they were beautiful and only $200 each only to then get the paperwork and notice they were $2000 each plus import taxes and shipping. They are nice chairs but they do remind me daily that people who grew up with everything priced in Lira have a very different relationship with horribly big numbers and bothering to actually count the number of zeros if the number is less than half a metre long.
DonkeyApple said:
GT03ROB said:
In a logical world where 2 people share exactly the same ideas about money yes it may work. I'm not going to quote numbers but if you see how much my wife can get through on nothing you would realize you simply cannot have joint accounts with common access.
My wife is Italian. It is absolutely essential that her financial escapades are not just ring fenced but also protected from debit balances. Italians ladies have no natural concept of either money nor work. My wife has no understanding of the costs of running a household, cost of living, how to generate an income and has no desire to either. On the one hand it is immensely irritating to live with some who thinks money beyond a basic salary simply falls into your lap but on the other hand it’s actually amusing to see the look of confusion when you gently attempt to explain that paying £20k for a bespoke wall paper is fking moronic. She doesn’t care what others have, will never complain or make any comment regarding any friends who have more and you eventually get used to the occasional hazardous events as being informed that we have bought 6 dining chairs while on a trip to New York as they were beautiful and only $200 each only to then get the paperwork and notice they were $2000 each plus import taxes and shipping. They are nice chairs but they do remind me daily that people who grew up with everything priced in Lira have a very different relationship with horribly big numbers and bothering to actually count the number of zeros if the number is less than half a metre long.
all I can say is I hope she's as filthy as a tramps trousers in the bedroom and an excellent cook. 
Pothole said:
How long ago were these things? If not in the past 6 months to a year, then the answer is probably "absolutely nothing".
Except perhaps therapy.
All recent. The dogs she sees as financial control was simply that she stays in bed most days until 10am, and i am the one having to get up an hour early and sacrifice my morning ride out to walk them. She can have another dog anytime she wishes if she walks them, feeds and takes them to the vet. Except perhaps therapy.
The kitchen work surfaces are in the 'wrong' colour marble with a £10k price tag. She also wants to have the klitchen cabinets resprayed which we have agreed we will do once some building work is over
The watch I offered to buy her last week when we saw it in the jewellers window and she refused saying it wasn't the same if I had to ask her and take her into the shop, it should be a surprise and i probably didn't really want to spend it. I am not into £700 surprises, as her tastes are very precise and I am a bloke who just scratches a lot.
I sense/fear that money is becoming the proxy for love.
.
Sleeplessnights said:
All recent. The dogs she sees as financial control was simply that she stays in bed most days until 10am, and i am the one having to get up an hour early and sacrifice my morning ride out to walk them. She can have another dog anytime she wishes if she walks them, feeds and takes them to the vet.
The kitchen work surfaces are in the 'wrong' colour marble with a £10k price tag. She also wants to have the klitchen cabinets resprayed which we have agreed we will do once some building work is over
The watch I offered to buy her last week when we saw it in the jewellers window and she refused saying it wasn't the same if I had to ask her and take her into the shop, it should be a surprise and i probably didn't really want to spend it. I am not into £700 surprises, as her tastes are very precise and I am a bloke who just scratches a lot.
I think maybes there is more at play here than just money..... The kitchen work surfaces are in the 'wrong' colour marble with a £10k price tag. She also wants to have the klitchen cabinets resprayed which we have agreed we will do once some building work is over
The watch I offered to buy her last week when we saw it in the jewellers window and she refused saying it wasn't the same if I had to ask her and take her into the shop, it should be a surprise and i probably didn't really want to spend it. I am not into £700 surprises, as her tastes are very precise and I am a bloke who just scratches a lot.
Timmy40 said:
toddler said:
Sheepshanks said:
I started a thread some time ago to see what the norm is these days as one of my daughters and her husband do 50/50 and it does leave her almost skint since she went part-time after having kids. He has significant surplus income, which he regards as his.
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git 
Maybe it's a young person thing.Although my wife only works PT it gives us the financial ability not to be completely in each others pockets & I think this is important. While I do pay for all household bills, cars, holidays etc I totally accept this and her small income is hers to spend on whatever unquestioned, i think she makes about a grand a month or so but this allows her to be somewhat independent with her own money. I really think without this there would be a lot of fireworks going off.
Not sure how to sort your dilemma, I take it she's no interest in working a few days a week? I often think 'housewifes' have too much time on their hands to overthink stuff like this. Between the 3 kids a pt job & keeping the house my wife's not got a stray minute to think about what's going on in my bank account. I see this as a good thing.
Not sure how to sort your dilemma, I take it she's no interest in working a few days a week? I often think 'housewifes' have too much time on their hands to overthink stuff like this. Between the 3 kids a pt job & keeping the house my wife's not got a stray minute to think about what's going on in my bank account. I see this as a good thing.
toddler said:
I just don't understand why a married couple would not have a joint account that everything goes in to and out of, but then I'm a grumpy old git Maybe it's a young person thing.
This could be as a result of their circumstances when they were single. The only requirment for a joint account came when we decided to buy a house together as we already had individual accounts when we met. Maybe it's a young person thing.We both work thus it is a case of ensuring that there is enough in the account for the mortgage. Secondly we discuss how much we need to contribute for other expenses.
GT03ROB said:
Sleeplessnights said:
All recent. The dogs she sees as financial control was simply that she stays in bed most days until 10am, and i am the one having to get up an hour early and sacrifice my morning ride out to walk them. She can have another dog anytime she wishes if she walks them, feeds and takes them to the vet.
The kitchen work surfaces are in the 'wrong' colour marble with a £10k price tag. She also wants to have the klitchen cabinets resprayed which we have agreed we will do once some building work is over
The watch I offered to buy her last week when we saw it in the jewellers window and she refused saying it wasn't the same if I had to ask her and take her into the shop, it should be a surprise and i probably didn't really want to spend it. I am not into £700 surprises, as her tastes are very precise and I am a bloke who just scratches a lot.
I think maybes there is more at play here than just money..... The kitchen work surfaces are in the 'wrong' colour marble with a £10k price tag. She also wants to have the klitchen cabinets resprayed which we have agreed we will do once some building work is over
The watch I offered to buy her last week when we saw it in the jewellers window and she refused saying it wasn't the same if I had to ask her and take her into the shop, it should be a surprise and i probably didn't really want to spend it. I am not into £700 surprises, as her tastes are very precise and I am a bloke who just scratches a lot.
she sounds bored/depressed. Amber alert captain. EddieSteadyGo said:
This is the best way imho.
OP - whilst you have a disparity in earrings, at the end of the day a marriage is a long term partnership. And this means you have to pool your resources. Otherwise you get the kind of issues you have highlighted.
In my personal situation, all of our earrings go into a joint account. If either my wife or I want to make a larger purchase, we discuss it together and we decide if it makes sense.
Doing it this way means we don't argue about money as we have already discussed and agreed our priorities.
Exactly the same here too. It helps that my wife and I have fairly similar attitudes to money (rather than one being a big spender and one being a big saver).OP - whilst you have a disparity in earrings, at the end of the day a marriage is a long term partnership. And this means you have to pool your resources. Otherwise you get the kind of issues you have highlighted.
In my personal situation, all of our earrings go into a joint account. If either my wife or I want to make a larger purchase, we discuss it together and we decide if it makes sense.
Doing it this way means we don't argue about money as we have already discussed and agreed our priorities.
I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
OP - after 41 years at work I presume you are knocking on for 60.
If your wife is the same age and you have been together a long time then it's a bit different than if she's a new squeeze.
If you have been together a longtime and are both 60ish then it can't be that much of an issue if it's taken this long to rear its head.
Unusually for one of these threads on PH you seem pretty even handed, even generous.
If your wife is the same age and you have been together a long time then it's a bit different than if she's a new squeeze.
If you have been together a longtime and are both 60ish then it can't be that much of an issue if it's taken this long to rear its head.
Unusually for one of these threads on PH you seem pretty even handed, even generous.
Zigster said:
Exactly the same here too. It helps that my wife and I have fairly similar attitudes to money (rather than one being a big spender and one being a big saver).
I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
OP mentioned his wife's friend was stitched up in a divorce.I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
toddler said:
Sleeplessnights said:
That is a pretty mixed lot:
So here is what is happening.
My wife stays home, we have no kids. She gave up work after an op in 2007 and although she helps out with admin ( I am self employed) when we are busy she generally keeps the house and cooks. We have a joint current and a joint savings account. She also has her own current and savings accounts. I don't have any accounts of my own. She had savings when we met which we used when we bought the house.
About 7 years ago a friend of hers was left high and dry financially when hubby walked out, which made my OH very anxious ( she has anxiety issues generally), As a result I started transferring £500 a month into her account from the joint account along with an annual lump sum of between zero and £5k depending upon how the business is going, which she uses for buying her clothes, haircuts, make up etc and saves. Over the years she has saved something like £30k but won't say exactly how much. She obviously still has access to the joint account but religiously only uses it for food shopping and presents. I pay everything else from the joint accounts ( mortgage, bills, cars, holidays, presents, entertainment, meals out, drinks, home improvements etc).
All came to a head at Christmas as for my present she paid part of the cost of a sailing course I wanted to go on (£100). I took the rest from the joint account (£250) as my only source of money. This week there is an artisan cooking weekend (£375) she wants to go on, and I suggested she took it from her current account or savings. Major argument.
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
I am now feeling like I may have been unreasonable but dont know what arrangements to put in place to avoid her feeling controlled, but equally every month she spends from the current account while sitting on £30k, is a month I will have to work until I can retire. After 41 years at work, that day cannot come soon enough. I had thought the £500 arrangememnt was working but it was obviously breeding resentment on her part.
What might work?
Merge your current accounts. Merge your saving accounts. Discuss all spending. Total transparency. Let the divorce lawyers split it all up if it comes to that.So here is what is happening.
My wife stays home, we have no kids. She gave up work after an op in 2007 and although she helps out with admin ( I am self employed) when we are busy she generally keeps the house and cooks. We have a joint current and a joint savings account. She also has her own current and savings accounts. I don't have any accounts of my own. She had savings when we met which we used when we bought the house.
About 7 years ago a friend of hers was left high and dry financially when hubby walked out, which made my OH very anxious ( she has anxiety issues generally), As a result I started transferring £500 a month into her account from the joint account along with an annual lump sum of between zero and £5k depending upon how the business is going, which she uses for buying her clothes, haircuts, make up etc and saves. Over the years she has saved something like £30k but won't say exactly how much. She obviously still has access to the joint account but religiously only uses it for food shopping and presents. I pay everything else from the joint accounts ( mortgage, bills, cars, holidays, presents, entertainment, meals out, drinks, home improvements etc).
All came to a head at Christmas as for my present she paid part of the cost of a sailing course I wanted to go on (£100). I took the rest from the joint account (£250) as my only source of money. This week there is an artisan cooking weekend (£375) she wants to go on, and I suggested she took it from her current account or savings. Major argument.
From her perspective she feels I overly control the joint accounts and she feels she has to ask for permission to spend from the current account as her (non outside working) friends seem to use their joint and even husband's current accounts for any luxuries as and when they want. All her previous resentments came flooding out; the kitchen work surfaces I wouldn't replace, the dog she feels I wouldn't let her have, the nice watch she wanted etc. etc.
I am now feeling like I may have been unreasonable but dont know what arrangements to put in place to avoid her feeling controlled, but equally every month she spends from the current account while sitting on £30k, is a month I will have to work until I can retire. After 41 years at work, that day cannot come soon enough. I had thought the £500 arrangememnt was working but it was obviously breeding resentment on her part.
What might work?
Zigster said:
Exactly the same here too. It helps that my wife and I have fairly similar attitudes to money (rather than one being a big spender and one being a big saver).
I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
Maybe it works for us as well because my wife and I also have similar attitudes to money. Or at least similar in the sense that we like to agree what are aiming for and work together to achieve it. I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
To be honest, I wouldn't like being in a relationship where I couldn't rely on my wife to give me a useful opinion on money matters, or was constantly pulling in a different direction.
LeoSayer said:
Zigster said:
Exactly the same here too. It helps that my wife and I have fairly similar attitudes to money (rather than one being a big spender and one being a big saver).
I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
OP mentioned his wife's friend was stitched up in a divorce.I do wonder why the OP's wife is hiding £30k from the husband - I can't think of any good reasons for doing that.
Each have our sole accounts plus a joint account.
Salaries paid into sole accounts with an equal amount from each going to the joint. Joint pays for all day-to-day stuff. Mortage, bills, shopping, holidays, cars, petrol, insurance... The lot.
Surplus into sole accounts is for personal treats. For me it's usually clothes, for him it's usually tech. Sometimes we'll want to make a big 'house' purchase (ie a new TV) and will top-up the joint account with our personal stuff as it's from shared stuff.
Has been this way since we moved in together and the sum going into the joint account has increased in line with my wages as I'm the lower earner.
Salaries paid into sole accounts with an equal amount from each going to the joint. Joint pays for all day-to-day stuff. Mortage, bills, shopping, holidays, cars, petrol, insurance... The lot.
Surplus into sole accounts is for personal treats. For me it's usually clothes, for him it's usually tech. Sometimes we'll want to make a big 'house' purchase (ie a new TV) and will top-up the joint account with our personal stuff as it's from shared stuff.
Has been this way since we moved in together and the sum going into the joint account has increased in line with my wages as I'm the lower earner.
Salaries paid into sole accounts, I earn 4 x the wife however once our "sweep" is done we have the same amount to enjoy each month.
so from our sole accounts we sweep everything apart from £X amount each to our joint account. From the joint we sweep funds between our savings pots we have which are split long term savings and short term, short term is for holidays, house stuff or any larger purchases like a new TV, new car etc and long term is a cash pot, investments, equity in my employer and pensions and then to our sons savings account and the balance left in the joint is pre budgetted that it covers exactly the previous months credit card which is used for all house and son related spending, mortgage, mortgage overpayment, utilities and schooling.
A bonus or surprise cash, for instance next month the wife gets £2k as the first 50% of a finders fee at work and I get a dividend from my employer equity, gets divided up, 1/3 to long term savings, 1/3 to short term savings and then a 1/6 each to piss up the wall how ever we see fit.
I do budget via a good spreadsheet and our banking takes about 10 minutes per payday to sort which is also when I look at our long term savings and adjust the investments if needed.
so from our sole accounts we sweep everything apart from £X amount each to our joint account. From the joint we sweep funds between our savings pots we have which are split long term savings and short term, short term is for holidays, house stuff or any larger purchases like a new TV, new car etc and long term is a cash pot, investments, equity in my employer and pensions and then to our sons savings account and the balance left in the joint is pre budgetted that it covers exactly the previous months credit card which is used for all house and son related spending, mortgage, mortgage overpayment, utilities and schooling.
A bonus or surprise cash, for instance next month the wife gets £2k as the first 50% of a finders fee at work and I get a dividend from my employer equity, gets divided up, 1/3 to long term savings, 1/3 to short term savings and then a 1/6 each to piss up the wall how ever we see fit.
I do budget via a good spreadsheet and our banking takes about 10 minutes per payday to sort which is also when I look at our long term savings and adjust the investments if needed.
Edited by ROSSinHD on Wednesday 9th May 09:25
A lot posting on this thread are in a very different position to the OP & myself. In most cases you have 2 people earning, so to those of you that do would you adopt the same scenario if just one of you earned?
What if you didn't both have the same approach to finances?
With my ex-wife we both earned, had similar approaches to money, which made for a far easier solution.
What if you didn't both have the same approach to finances?
With my ex-wife we both earned, had similar approaches to money, which made for a far easier solution.
During our marriage, relative earnings have varied quite a lot.
When we met, we earned about the same. My wife had a "career break" before we had kids and kept it going while the kids were young, as my salary was increasing quite a bit. Since the kids got to school age, she has returned to work in a lower key, work from home, part-time role and I earn several times what she does.
And that's why I don't see how the "I keep my money, you keep yours, and we both put a bit in the pot for bills" works for couples. How could I respect my wife and treat her as an equal in the marriage if she had to beg for a hand-out every time she wanted to buy something non-essential?
When we met, we earned about the same. My wife had a "career break" before we had kids and kept it going while the kids were young, as my salary was increasing quite a bit. Since the kids got to school age, she has returned to work in a lower key, work from home, part-time role and I earn several times what she does.
And that's why I don't see how the "I keep my money, you keep yours, and we both put a bit in the pot for bills" works for couples. How could I respect my wife and treat her as an equal in the marriage if she had to beg for a hand-out every time she wanted to buy something non-essential?
Zigster said:
During our marriage, relative earnings have varied quite a lot.
When we met, we earned about the same. My wife had a "career break" before we had kids and kept it going while the kids were young, as my salary was increasing quite a bit. Since the kids got to school age, she has returned to work in a lower key, work from home, part-time role and I earn several times what she does.
And that's why I don't see how the "I keep my money, you keep yours, and we both put a bit in the pot for bills" works for couples. How could I respect my wife and treat her as an equal in the marriage if she had to beg for a hand-out every time she wanted to buy something non-essential?
When we met, we earned about the same. My wife had a "career break" before we had kids and kept it going while the kids were young, as my salary was increasing quite a bit. Since the kids got to school age, she has returned to work in a lower key, work from home, part-time role and I earn several times what she does.
And that's why I don't see how the "I keep my money, you keep yours, and we both put a bit in the pot for bills" works for couples. How could I respect my wife and treat her as an equal in the marriage if she had to beg for a hand-out every time she wanted to buy something non-essential?
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