Am I mean, £1200 per month on household?

[MentalSarcasm]

Surprised more isn't being made of the fact that OP and his partner are raising a child with autism. No mention of the age of the child or if they're spending any time at school, specialist or otherwise. Perhaps OP's partner is struggling and is spending money as a way of coping/comforting themselves. They wouldn't be the first and they won't be the last. There's a correlation between excessive spending (including getting in to debt) and mental health issues such as depression.

Maybe it's time to start looking at whether a bit more support, emotional rather than monetary, is needed. Whether that's counselling, some respite care from an external source, or OP occasionally having the child himself on a Saturday while partner has some time on their own (apologies OP if you already do this but your opening post is a bit thin on details about what support structure you and your partner have i.e. family nearby).

Might take a bit of delicate discussion though, partner may feel that saying she's struggling is admitting that she's a bad parent or some how not up to scratch.

[Sheepshanks]

ClaphamGT3 said:

Funnily enough, was talking to a friend of Mrs C' who has been left in almost exactly this position (£1800/month). She was saying that, whilst some people would think that is a reasonable amount, to go from basically never having to think about money to having to make sure that £1800 lasts the month without too obviously trashing the standard of living for her 2 girls has been bloody hard

I think it could be tough if you have different approaches to money - I'll look at something and find a reason not to buy it. My wife will just buy it, and she might buy two more because our daughters might find it useful. Her parents were the same though - he dad was forever giving me tools and gadgets etc he'd bought.

I console myself that if we're ever poor then we could easily economise quite dramatically. I might be deluding myself though.

[GT03ROB]

Roon205 said:

1200 a month is what 17000 a year roughly. Vast amount of money to live on without big bills. Like most woman she needs her bubble burst and brought back a little more towards reality.

You need to have a conversation about this with my wife.... she'd explain to you how wrong you are.

[wisbech]

If you are only paying the minimum cc bill a month - yep, it is time to properly track both your expenses. Because that’s not a good sign

[NickCQ]

As others have said - if you think she’s spending too much, identify the purchases you consider frivolous / unnecessary and tell her how you feel.

Just rationing her allowance when there doesn’t appear to be an undue shortage of cash in the household does seem a bit mean.

To be honest, the whole idea of couples having separate finances seems really weird to me and I don’t see how you can have a truly equal relationship when only one party is responsible for financial planning / the two parties don’t trust each other with money.

[James_B]

Jimmy Recard said:

£1200 without any significant bills to pay from it?

If you can’t make do comfortably with that, I’ve no sympathy for you.

What a weird response, no-one is asking for sympathy.

I think my wife allows herself about twice that for walking-around money, which is spending money aside from all the bills. Stuff for meals or drinks out, weekends away, that kind of thing.

[Jimmy Recard]

James_B said:

What a weird response, no-one is asking for sympathy.

I think my wife allows herself about twice that for walking-around money, which is spending money aside from all the bills. Stuff for meals or drinks out, weekends away, that kind of thing.

Your understanding of the non-specific 'you' might make it seem strange. You suggested that someone spending £1200 a month with no specific bills might not be happy, thus sympathy would be appropriate.

However if someone can't be happy with that, I would have no sympathy for their plight. That is if the unhappiness is due to that budget rather than something unrelated.

[James_B]

Jimmy Recard said:

Your understanding of the non-specific 'you' might make it seem strange. You suggested that someone spending £1200 a month with no specific bills might not be happy, thus sympathy would be appropriate.

However if someone can't be happy with that, I would have no sympathy for their plight. That is if the unhappiness is due to that budget rather than something unrelated.

You are still making no sense. If someone has enough money to spend much more a month on going out and buying hats then they would clearly not be happy to restrict themselves to less. That does not mean that they need your sympathy.

If anything the sympathy would go the other way, they may feel that you deserve it for needing to get by on less.

[Jimmy Recard]

James_B said:

You are still making no sense. If someone has enough money to spend much more a month on going out and buying hats then they would clearly not be happy to restrict themselves to less. That does not mean that they need your sympathy.

If anything the sympathy would go the other way, they may feel that you deserve it for needing to get by on less.

Cringe post. You've no idea what my spending is, you've only told us that your wife spends around £2400 a month!

People adapt. If they can't adapt to what is totally fine for an enormous amount of people, they have the problem. Simple enough!

[JulianPH]

So, you have £3,300 to £3,800 a month of joint income and £1,600 a month of fixed overheads plus your partner's mobile (£30 a month), petrol (£150 a month?) and household shopping (£400 a month?). A total of £580 a month on top of the other overheads.

The above outgoings add up to £2,200 (to use round numbers) a month before holidays and savings are factored in.

This leaves a combined total surplus (after overheads) of £1,200 to £1,600 a month remaining of which £600 (half of the lower figure) sits in her bank account for her for personal spending (after her share of the overheads).

Your half on the balance is also £600 a month (plus extra on any £3,000 earning months) and pays for holidays and savings for you all (let's assume the extra months when you bring home more that £2,500 a month accounts for holidays).

So the division is actually equal or in her favour (assuming the figures above and unknown savings/holiday costs).

So no, you are not being mean.

I agree with others here, put it all down on a spreadsheet and go through it together. These are all factual amounts, so there is no room for argument on either side.

[jontysafe]

NickCQ said:

As others have said - if you think she’s spending too much, identify the purchases you consider frivolous / unnecessary and tell her how you feel.

Just rationing her allowance when there doesn’t appear to be an undue shortage of cash in the household does seem a bit mean.

To be honest, the whole idea of couples having separate finances seems really weird to me and I don’t see how you can have a truly equal relationship when only one party is responsible for financial planning / the two parties don’t trust each other with money.

Hallelujah! Finally some sense.
Ph is such a strange place sometimes.

[hyphen]

NickCQ said:

To be honest, the whole idea of couples having separate finances seems really weird to me and I don’t see how you can have a truly equal relationship when only one party is responsible for financial planning / the two parties don’t trust each other with money.

Yup. I will advise my oh I am giving up my pressured, all hours, long commute career and taking up shelf stacking job in a local shop. I'm sure she won't mind me taking 50% of her pay in view of this, even if it means her having to work past retirement age and so on.

Will walk to the shop, not have to take any work home with me and so on.

Thanks for the clarity, Asda application is being done as we speak.

When's your book out? As will preorder it.

Edited by hyphen on Sunday 17th June 17:05

[NickCQ]

hyphen said:

Yup. I will advise my oh I am giving up my pressured, all hours, long commute career and taking up shelf stacking job in a local shop. I'm sure she won't mind me taking 50% of her pay in view of this, even if it means her having to work past retirement age and so on.

Will walk to the shop, not have to take any work home with me and so on.

Thanks for the clarity, Asda application is being done as we speak.

When's your book out? As will preorder it.

Edited by hyphen on Sunday 17th June 17:05

Haha, if i were to write a book the message would be that when you are married you operate as a team. I imagine in the situation you describe you wouldn’t truly be comfortable free-riding off her efforts anyway... plus the mind-numbing nature of stacking shelves.

I just don’t like the view that the OP appeared to express which was that his wife was just swanning around getting her hair and nails done - she makes a perfectly valid contribution to the household but it isn’t measured in £.

[DSLiverpool]

Really funny reading this as I am at my wits end with the Mrs.
She just cannot budget and spends all she has straight away so much so I give her the housekeeping weekly. Even then things that should be within that figure she asks me for like school trips and clubs etc. She earns nothing after looking after her dad for 3/4 years and we had his pension as “her” contribution.
I think £1k is enough for petrol and food clothes trips plus she has a small eBay business I run for her paying her £400 a month (she does posting and packing).
She can’t change but it exasperates me how she is so useless with money.

[Jimmy Recard]

DSLiverpool said:

Really funny reading this as I am at my wits end with the Mrs.
She just cannot budget and spends all she has straight away so much so I give her the housekeeping weekly. Even then things that should be within that figure she asks me for like school trips and clubs etc. She earns nothing after looking after her dad for 3/4 years and we had his pension as “her” contribution.
I think £1k is enough for petrol and food clothes trips plus she has a small eBay business I run for her paying her £400 a month (she does posting and packing).
She can’t change but it exasperates me how she is so useless with money.

There's a guy who works for me who would have roughly £1200 a month after tax and NI. Paid weekly. Lives with his parents for free. Recently he was saying that it's unfair that it's so much more per year to pay car insurance monthly and I asked him why he didn't just pay it yearly.

He was just puzzled at the idea that anyone would have any savings or just any money other than the pay for the current period. He said that whatever he earns in a week, he spends it as closely as he can to the penny by the day by payday. I was just astounded that you'd want to do that, but it's his money and if his parents are happy for him to live there and do that, it's between them!

[JulianPH]

NickCQ said:

Haha, if i were to write a book the message would be that when you are married you operate as a team. I imagine in the situation you describe you wouldn’t truly be comfortable free-riding off her efforts anyway... plus the mind-numbing nature of stacking shelves.

I just don’t like the view that the OP appeared to express which was that his wife was just swanning around getting her hair and nails done - she makes a perfectly valid contribution to the household but it isn’t measured in £.

I am with you on this, but we don't know if they are married or not.

A marriage is, by definition, a team. Two parents (by which I mean mum and dad - I know this is now unpopular and I should have probably created a safe space area for gender neutral/fluid types and anyone else who takes offence when it wasn't intended!).

[Sheepshanks]

Jimmy Recard said:

There's a guy who works for me who would have roughly £1200 a month after tax and NI. Paid weekly. Lives with his parents for free. Recently he was saying that it's unfair that it's so much more per year to pay car insurance monthly and I asked him why he didn't just pay it yearly.

He was just puzzled at the idea that anyone would have any savings or just any money other than the pay for the current period. He said that whatever he earns in a week, he spends it as closely as he can to the penny by the day by payday. I was just astounded that you'd want to do that, but it's his money....

I mentioned my in-laws earlier in terms of how they've affected my wife's attitude to money. Her dad is 90 and he's similar to the above, and always has been. He's earned a hefty salary and has a good final salary pension but his bank balance hovers around zero - he has a £10K overdraft limit and he's typically £4-6K overdrawn. He pays his car insurance monthly. We're likely to have to pay to bury the bugger!

[James_B]

Jimmy Recard said:

Cringe post. You've no idea what my spending is, you've only told us that your wife spends around £2400 a month!

That’s not strictly true. You are into cars, as you are here, and the cars you choose drive can give someone an idea of your finances.

A car enthusiast with a history of a couple of fifteen year-old Kia’s for example is unlikely to be an additional rate taxpayer.

Harder to work out the other way; many a Countach owner funded it by living like a monk.

[anonymous-user]

We keep things simple.

All household bills come out of one account, this is a fixed amount per month, we put in a proportional amount per month, I earn more than my partner so I pay more. If I get paid £4 for every £1 she earns and I bill is £5 then we split it with respect to our earnings ratio.

Allows us both money to spend and prevents any arguments.

[Jimmy Recard]

James_B said:

That’s not strictly true. You are into cars, as you are here, and the cars you choose drive can give someone an idea of your finances.

A car enthusiast with a history of a couple of fifteen year-old Kia’s for example is unlikely to be an additional rate taxpayer.

Harder to work out the other way; many a Countach owner funded it by living like a monk.

I can see the logic, but I haven't really filled in my car history!

Anyway, despite being able to spend £1200 a month, I do not think that my happiness would be affected in the slightest if I was restricted to that. I've been perfectly happy with it before and I would adapt back. But let's not argue anyway, our uses for money and opinions of it are probably not that relevant to OP and his family!