Coping with grief
Discussion
It's been a long while since I came to PH; I guess I just need a place to let it all out and place my thoughts out in the "anonymous" open. A few of you may know me, but the vast majority don't so perhaps that is what I need.
On Tuesday, my beloved dog, Lady was put to sleep. From the moment she took her last breath, I have been devastated, depressed, angry, wrought with guilt and very lonely.
Lady was my little girl. A small 7kg rescue dog and we believed she was very similar to a Pembroke Sheltie.
She had a wonderful, mischievous nature, but beyond all, she was kind and intensely loyal. We used to take her to my sons nursery, and she would revel playing with all the children, but most of all remaining close to our boy making sure he was safe and happy.
I adopted Lady through my now wife. When I came to her home for the first time, this small 5 month old pup came to me and wanted to play. We bonded immediately and while it's not the reason I married my wife, she was part of the "package", and she gave me a family when I had none.
Lady was not unique with dogs in the fact she liked food, but she was unique in the fact she loved fruit. So I trained her with all the basics using watermelon!
As my relationship with my now wife grew, so did that of mine with Lady. I took her everywhere. She even once came night-clubbing with me in Tarifa, and then spent the following morning on the beach chasing and befriending the kite-surfers while me and my friends lay in the shade, hung over from the previous night.
Lady was also insanely energetic. She remained by my side when I went running, and even when I went for short cycles. She even managed a 10km run with me....struggling towards the end but we finished with her in my arms much to her relief I'm sure!
She would also listen to me whenever I needed to talk. She never disappeared or walked off when talking about my problems, my worries or just simply my thoughts. And she would be by my side the moment I called for her.
We actually have two dogs. The other really belongs to my wife through and through. She's a lovely character, but she's not my Lady. She doesn't listen to me. She doesn't stay by my side, and she doesn't have the energy to play sports with me or just a bit of tug of war.
When we got married just under four years ago, our dogs were our "Pup Bearers". The look on my parents faces were priceless, but we could think of no better friends to bring us our rings. They performed their role with total perfection, and each one of our dogs came to us with rings attached!!
In short, Lady was my best friend and as my wife said; My shadow.
Move forward a number of years and my wife became pregnant. A maternal side to Lady emerged and while she remained very close to me, she forged a friendship with the bump growing on my wife. Lady would rest herself against it whenever she could and never strayed far.
When my son was born, Lady was smitten. My son was her pup, and she never left his side once. When we were around the house doing things, Lady would keep her eyes fixed on my son keeping guard and the moment he cried, she would rush to find me or my wife. My son would pull and tug at her hair, and she never once flinched and instead just moved closer.
As my son grew, the two became incredible friends. They would play together often and of course, there was no better vacuum cleaner when my son dropped his food!
The two of them slept together, played together, watched TV together and just generally hung out together. "Lady" was one of my sons first words and in recent months, we would often be awoken by my son shouting, "Lady! Where are you?!?!?!!?".
Through all this, Lady and I remained very close.
Then things began to change.
Back in February, we noticed Lady throwing up a lot. It wasn't always but every once in a while she would eat and it would all come back up. We took her to the vets, and we were advised it was gastro, so it was a strict diet for a couple of weeks to get her back on form. The words "strict" and "diet" in a food motivated dog are one of the hardest things to achieve, but we tried our best and eventually Lady looked to be back on form.
By May time, she was still throwing up a little but not massively. We thought it was down to literally inhaling her food, so we tried break her larger biscuits down and place her dry-food in a slow-feeder.
We then went on a family holiday, back in Tarifa again all sharing the same room together. We found during that holiday, Lady paced throughout the night, and she also threw up quite a bit too. My wife and I ignorantly put it down to a change of routine and anxiousness.
My wife took Lady to the vet again explaining her mood and symptoms and the vet mentioned that now my son was in nursery, she was anxious and missed him. This would explain her over-excitement when arriving home and new habit of barking.
She also became the world's-best Houdini Dog, managing to escape over our fence and I ended up raising it twice to over 2m, preventing her from escaping.
This wasn't like Lady.
About four weeks ago, our neighbours daughter started doing a summer chore with us taking both Lady and Honey (our other dog), for daily morning walks. Since my wife went back to work, their walking had dropped dramatically, so we thought this would be a great way to reduce Lady's anxiety issues.
It sort of helped to a degree. She loved the attention and walks she was now getting more frequently, but over the weeks we noticed her vomiting occurring more frequently, and she was losing a huge amount of weight.
Over two weeks, I kept telling my wife she had to visit the vets so eventually on Monday 5th, this week, we took her along. The vet was clearly concerned as she was literally a sack of bones (albeit with mountains of energy).
We x-rayed her with me helping and found her stomach appeared to be full of something strange. The vet said she most likely had some sort of obstruction, and she would need surgery to remove it. The best guess was the filler within her toys. I asked for this to be done as soon as possible so it was agreed to do the surgery the following day.
Early on Tuesday morning I came downstairs and Lady came to greet me. We had a little chat and I told her everything would be ok and while she might have a little pain from the surgery, she would be home before she knew it and I would have plenty of treats for her to put her weight back on.
I gave her a hug and a kiss, and I set off for work not thinking much more of it. I knew she was in good hands.
At 1.30pm, I received a phone call from my wife and she asked me to sit down. I knew instantly that tone was not good.
The vets had done a complete internal investigation of Lady and found her stomach was completely empty, but instead, cancer had completely eaten away at her liver and he gall bladder was at bursting point. They removed two large syringes of bile from the gall bladder and continued their examination. He stomach was already showing signs of cancer and so was her bladder. The cancer was so advanced, the vet told me Lady's liver looked like bubble wrap and she said there was nothing she could do.
They sewed her back up and called my wife to give her the new and my wife in turn told me.
Without hesitation, I dropped everything at work and drove quickly to the vets to be with my girl. I already knew what the outcome would be but I didn't say anything.
The vet knew me well and she'd known my wife since she was a little girl so there was a real sadness yet warmth from the staff who worked there.
She led me straight to Lady who was kept semi-sedated so I could say my good byes. I spent about half an hour with her and my wife arrived in that time to say her good byes.
The vet reiterated that while she could come home, her quality of life would deteriorate rapidly and she would effectively starve herself to death while also risking sepsis which would be incredibly painful for her. The reassuring part was she never endured any real pain and to put her asleep now, would be the best possible choice.
We both very reluctantly agreed. I selfishly wanted to take her home and keep her by my side but I knew the right thing to do was to put her to sleep.
Once agreed and we were ready, I held onto her as the vet administered the dose into her intravenous line and I stayed with her, stroking her but she didn't appear to be going. I asked the vet to check her as I could feel her breath and her eyes moving so I was asked to leave the room while they checked. I didn't want her to suffer.
After what felt like an eternity but was probably only 30 seconds, I came back into the room, to her at the moment she took her last breath.
I stayed with her for a while longer and my wife took some tufts of her hair to keep, and I took her collar off.
On the 6th August, at around 3pm, Lady passed away and I felt dead inside.
I have to confess the rest was a blur, but back in my car I remember making an almighty scream and just cupping my head between my hands.
I drove home and arriving back, everything felt so wrong. Her bed, her toys, her fur everywhere, even her poop in the garden. It just felt surreal.
My wife and I just sat in silence with tears running out of our eyes until we realised we had to pick up our son from nursery. What would we tell him? How would he understand?
We decided to take Honey with us and drove together to collect my son. Upon seeing us he called out and then saw Honey. "Where Lady?", he asked?
We told him Lady was unwell and had to leave us to live in Rainbow Bridge to get better and one day he would see her again. (My wife told me about this place before as this is what her parents had told her as a child).
For the rest of the day my son kept repeating, "Lady, rainbow!"
I'll leave it up to you to guess how we felt about that.
That night was horrific. We put my son to bed as soon as we could so we could have time to ourselves, but the reminders were everywhere. Food on the floor, and our evening walk routine completely different. Honey our other dog also remained in her bed, where she would usually trail behind Lady.
Everything felt wrong.
That evening, we stayed awake into the early hours in tears questioning everything.
What could we of done? Were we good carers to our dogs? Did we make the right choice? Why did it happen to us? Why did it happen to Lady?
We beat ourselves up about it, and then morning came. I looked a mess and my colleagues were shocked. It looked like I had taken a physical beating and it felt that way.
I left work early, exhausted and depressed.
A couple of days on and I still feel the same. I am battling with the same question and trying to justify everything that happened but I can't.
I know time is a healer and eventually I'll come to terms with it, but losing my four-legged friend has to be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever had to endure.
As Lady was my first dog, I have learnt one thing. If you take on a pet, you will inevitably open yourself up to pain.
Sorry. Just had to get some of my thoughts out somewhere.
On Tuesday, my beloved dog, Lady was put to sleep. From the moment she took her last breath, I have been devastated, depressed, angry, wrought with guilt and very lonely.
Lady was my little girl. A small 7kg rescue dog and we believed she was very similar to a Pembroke Sheltie.
She had a wonderful, mischievous nature, but beyond all, she was kind and intensely loyal. We used to take her to my sons nursery, and she would revel playing with all the children, but most of all remaining close to our boy making sure he was safe and happy.
I adopted Lady through my now wife. When I came to her home for the first time, this small 5 month old pup came to me and wanted to play. We bonded immediately and while it's not the reason I married my wife, she was part of the "package", and she gave me a family when I had none.
Lady was not unique with dogs in the fact she liked food, but she was unique in the fact she loved fruit. So I trained her with all the basics using watermelon!
As my relationship with my now wife grew, so did that of mine with Lady. I took her everywhere. She even once came night-clubbing with me in Tarifa, and then spent the following morning on the beach chasing and befriending the kite-surfers while me and my friends lay in the shade, hung over from the previous night.
Lady was also insanely energetic. She remained by my side when I went running, and even when I went for short cycles. She even managed a 10km run with me....struggling towards the end but we finished with her in my arms much to her relief I'm sure!
She would also listen to me whenever I needed to talk. She never disappeared or walked off when talking about my problems, my worries or just simply my thoughts. And she would be by my side the moment I called for her.
We actually have two dogs. The other really belongs to my wife through and through. She's a lovely character, but she's not my Lady. She doesn't listen to me. She doesn't stay by my side, and she doesn't have the energy to play sports with me or just a bit of tug of war.
When we got married just under four years ago, our dogs were our "Pup Bearers". The look on my parents faces were priceless, but we could think of no better friends to bring us our rings. They performed their role with total perfection, and each one of our dogs came to us with rings attached!!
In short, Lady was my best friend and as my wife said; My shadow.
Move forward a number of years and my wife became pregnant. A maternal side to Lady emerged and while she remained very close to me, she forged a friendship with the bump growing on my wife. Lady would rest herself against it whenever she could and never strayed far.
When my son was born, Lady was smitten. My son was her pup, and she never left his side once. When we were around the house doing things, Lady would keep her eyes fixed on my son keeping guard and the moment he cried, she would rush to find me or my wife. My son would pull and tug at her hair, and she never once flinched and instead just moved closer.
As my son grew, the two became incredible friends. They would play together often and of course, there was no better vacuum cleaner when my son dropped his food!
The two of them slept together, played together, watched TV together and just generally hung out together. "Lady" was one of my sons first words and in recent months, we would often be awoken by my son shouting, "Lady! Where are you?!?!?!!?".
Through all this, Lady and I remained very close.
Then things began to change.
Back in February, we noticed Lady throwing up a lot. It wasn't always but every once in a while she would eat and it would all come back up. We took her to the vets, and we were advised it was gastro, so it was a strict diet for a couple of weeks to get her back on form. The words "strict" and "diet" in a food motivated dog are one of the hardest things to achieve, but we tried our best and eventually Lady looked to be back on form.
By May time, she was still throwing up a little but not massively. We thought it was down to literally inhaling her food, so we tried break her larger biscuits down and place her dry-food in a slow-feeder.
We then went on a family holiday, back in Tarifa again all sharing the same room together. We found during that holiday, Lady paced throughout the night, and she also threw up quite a bit too. My wife and I ignorantly put it down to a change of routine and anxiousness.
My wife took Lady to the vet again explaining her mood and symptoms and the vet mentioned that now my son was in nursery, she was anxious and missed him. This would explain her over-excitement when arriving home and new habit of barking.
She also became the world's-best Houdini Dog, managing to escape over our fence and I ended up raising it twice to over 2m, preventing her from escaping.
This wasn't like Lady.
About four weeks ago, our neighbours daughter started doing a summer chore with us taking both Lady and Honey (our other dog), for daily morning walks. Since my wife went back to work, their walking had dropped dramatically, so we thought this would be a great way to reduce Lady's anxiety issues.
It sort of helped to a degree. She loved the attention and walks she was now getting more frequently, but over the weeks we noticed her vomiting occurring more frequently, and she was losing a huge amount of weight.
Over two weeks, I kept telling my wife she had to visit the vets so eventually on Monday 5th, this week, we took her along. The vet was clearly concerned as she was literally a sack of bones (albeit with mountains of energy).
We x-rayed her with me helping and found her stomach appeared to be full of something strange. The vet said she most likely had some sort of obstruction, and she would need surgery to remove it. The best guess was the filler within her toys. I asked for this to be done as soon as possible so it was agreed to do the surgery the following day.
Early on Tuesday morning I came downstairs and Lady came to greet me. We had a little chat and I told her everything would be ok and while she might have a little pain from the surgery, she would be home before she knew it and I would have plenty of treats for her to put her weight back on.
I gave her a hug and a kiss, and I set off for work not thinking much more of it. I knew she was in good hands.
At 1.30pm, I received a phone call from my wife and she asked me to sit down. I knew instantly that tone was not good.
The vets had done a complete internal investigation of Lady and found her stomach was completely empty, but instead, cancer had completely eaten away at her liver and he gall bladder was at bursting point. They removed two large syringes of bile from the gall bladder and continued their examination. He stomach was already showing signs of cancer and so was her bladder. The cancer was so advanced, the vet told me Lady's liver looked like bubble wrap and she said there was nothing she could do.
They sewed her back up and called my wife to give her the new and my wife in turn told me.
Without hesitation, I dropped everything at work and drove quickly to the vets to be with my girl. I already knew what the outcome would be but I didn't say anything.
The vet knew me well and she'd known my wife since she was a little girl so there was a real sadness yet warmth from the staff who worked there.
She led me straight to Lady who was kept semi-sedated so I could say my good byes. I spent about half an hour with her and my wife arrived in that time to say her good byes.
The vet reiterated that while she could come home, her quality of life would deteriorate rapidly and she would effectively starve herself to death while also risking sepsis which would be incredibly painful for her. The reassuring part was she never endured any real pain and to put her asleep now, would be the best possible choice.
We both very reluctantly agreed. I selfishly wanted to take her home and keep her by my side but I knew the right thing to do was to put her to sleep.
Once agreed and we were ready, I held onto her as the vet administered the dose into her intravenous line and I stayed with her, stroking her but she didn't appear to be going. I asked the vet to check her as I could feel her breath and her eyes moving so I was asked to leave the room while they checked. I didn't want her to suffer.
After what felt like an eternity but was probably only 30 seconds, I came back into the room, to her at the moment she took her last breath.
I stayed with her for a while longer and my wife took some tufts of her hair to keep, and I took her collar off.
On the 6th August, at around 3pm, Lady passed away and I felt dead inside.
I have to confess the rest was a blur, but back in my car I remember making an almighty scream and just cupping my head between my hands.
I drove home and arriving back, everything felt so wrong. Her bed, her toys, her fur everywhere, even her poop in the garden. It just felt surreal.
My wife and I just sat in silence with tears running out of our eyes until we realised we had to pick up our son from nursery. What would we tell him? How would he understand?
We decided to take Honey with us and drove together to collect my son. Upon seeing us he called out and then saw Honey. "Where Lady?", he asked?
We told him Lady was unwell and had to leave us to live in Rainbow Bridge to get better and one day he would see her again. (My wife told me about this place before as this is what her parents had told her as a child).
For the rest of the day my son kept repeating, "Lady, rainbow!"
I'll leave it up to you to guess how we felt about that.
That night was horrific. We put my son to bed as soon as we could so we could have time to ourselves, but the reminders were everywhere. Food on the floor, and our evening walk routine completely different. Honey our other dog also remained in her bed, where she would usually trail behind Lady.
Everything felt wrong.
That evening, we stayed awake into the early hours in tears questioning everything.
What could we of done? Were we good carers to our dogs? Did we make the right choice? Why did it happen to us? Why did it happen to Lady?
We beat ourselves up about it, and then morning came. I looked a mess and my colleagues were shocked. It looked like I had taken a physical beating and it felt that way.
I left work early, exhausted and depressed.
A couple of days on and I still feel the same. I am battling with the same question and trying to justify everything that happened but I can't.
I know time is a healer and eventually I'll come to terms with it, but losing my four-legged friend has to be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever had to endure.
As Lady was my first dog, I have learnt one thing. If you take on a pet, you will inevitably open yourself up to pain.
Sorry. Just had to get some of my thoughts out somewhere.
That was a tough read.
Having been there several times, for both dogs and cats, I would say that you are probably in shock, as well as all the usual emotions of grief.
Time is a great healer, but how long that period of time is will vary from person to person. Eventually you will remember the good times and not concentrate on your loss.
I have pictures of previous dogs at the top of the stairs and I say good night to them every night. Not in a morbid way, I hope, but just to remember how I loved having them in my life.
All of us on here, who have been through this, will know what you are going through.
Please feel free to post again if you think it will help you.
This has been a bit of a rambling reply for which i apologise.
Good luck. It does get easier with time........honestly
Having been there several times, for both dogs and cats, I would say that you are probably in shock, as well as all the usual emotions of grief.
Time is a great healer, but how long that period of time is will vary from person to person. Eventually you will remember the good times and not concentrate on your loss.
I have pictures of previous dogs at the top of the stairs and I say good night to them every night. Not in a morbid way, I hope, but just to remember how I loved having them in my life.
All of us on here, who have been through this, will know what you are going through.
Please feel free to post again if you think it will help you.
This has been a bit of a rambling reply for which i apologise.
Good luck. It does get easier with time........honestly
I feel for you. We lost a black lab to cancer last June. Like you, we were concerned that we should have been more aware of the physical symptoms, and questioned ourselves as to whether we could have made his last weeks less of an ordeal for him.
We both loved him unconditionally, and it took us a long time to cope with the grief and absence of him around the house. I always get up first in the morning, and found going downstairs to an empty kitchen heartbreaking. So much so, that we got another dog in October. My wife was reluctant initially, but after a week or so, she was convinced we'd done the right thing.
I appreciate you've already got another dog. If anything, that probably makes the adjustment more difficult. I wish you all the best, and hope you're able to get through this awful pain.
We both loved him unconditionally, and it took us a long time to cope with the grief and absence of him around the house. I always get up first in the morning, and found going downstairs to an empty kitchen heartbreaking. So much so, that we got another dog in October. My wife was reluctant initially, but after a week or so, she was convinced we'd done the right thing.
I appreciate you've already got another dog. If anything, that probably makes the adjustment more difficult. I wish you all the best, and hope you're able to get through this awful pain.
Reading this bought tears to my eyes, sounds like she was a brilliant friend and companion to you.
There is no easy way to get over anything like this - just know that you did all you could and you did do the right thing.
Why did this happen to you? Life is cruel sometimes and even the kindest, most gentle people get given a crap card from time to time.
The real question you need to answer is -- what would Lady want you to do? Would she want you beating yourself up? I think not, I think she would want you to cherish all the best memories you made together and smile to yourself when you sit and think of her.
Of course this is very easy for me to write but completely different when put into practice. It is fine to be sad and it is fine to cry - let it out but dont let it consume you.
There is no easy way to get over anything like this - just know that you did all you could and you did do the right thing.
Why did this happen to you? Life is cruel sometimes and even the kindest, most gentle people get given a crap card from time to time.
The real question you need to answer is -- what would Lady want you to do? Would she want you beating yourself up? I think not, I think she would want you to cherish all the best memories you made together and smile to yourself when you sit and think of her.
Of course this is very easy for me to write but completely different when put into practice. It is fine to be sad and it is fine to cry - let it out but dont let it consume you.
The only comfort we can take is that we give them the best and happiest life possible. You did that.
It is not easy losing a pet, it is no different to losing a friend or member of the family in my opinion so the grief is significant. Just try to remember the good times and happiness you brought each other and know that when the time is right your souls will meet again.
It is not easy losing a pet, it is no different to losing a friend or member of the family in my opinion so the grief is significant. Just try to remember the good times and happiness you brought each other and know that when the time is right your souls will meet again.
Wow, I'm reading that with tears in my eyes!
It's awful to be in that situation, I still question what we could have done different for Humphrey our Pug who was PTS 5 years ago.
Humphrey had a degenerative spinal problem where he couldn't feel and had no movement in his back legs, he was happy with his wheels but I look back at the day we finally said goodbye as the night before he was different, but I just didn't notice it, I came down in the morning and he was sitting in the hall looking very uncomfortable and was uncharacteristically quiet and not himself, I put him out for his breakfast (he ate in the porch as he couldn't eat and hold a wee in at the same time) and immediately I noticed that he was passing blood, I knew straight away it was time, I was devestated, even though I knew that every day the inevitable was just around the corner
The vet thought he had a had a catastrophic kidney failure, probably cancer that had been there a while but the symptoms would have not shown due to the lack feeling towards his back legs.
I say I question if I could have done anything better but ultimately I know I couldn't have, and I know we gave him a great life full of excitement and more importantly bundles of love.
There is a photo of Humphrey on our mantle and his ashes and collar are on the top of the unit in the lounge with memories of my dad; I like to think he is looking down and keep an eye on us.
Thinking of you OP, it will get better.
It's awful to be in that situation, I still question what we could have done different for Humphrey our Pug who was PTS 5 years ago.
Humphrey had a degenerative spinal problem where he couldn't feel and had no movement in his back legs, he was happy with his wheels but I look back at the day we finally said goodbye as the night before he was different, but I just didn't notice it, I came down in the morning and he was sitting in the hall looking very uncomfortable and was uncharacteristically quiet and not himself, I put him out for his breakfast (he ate in the porch as he couldn't eat and hold a wee in at the same time) and immediately I noticed that he was passing blood, I knew straight away it was time, I was devestated, even though I knew that every day the inevitable was just around the corner
The vet thought he had a had a catastrophic kidney failure, probably cancer that had been there a while but the symptoms would have not shown due to the lack feeling towards his back legs.
I say I question if I could have done anything better but ultimately I know I couldn't have, and I know we gave him a great life full of excitement and more importantly bundles of love.
There is a photo of Humphrey on our mantle and his ashes and collar are on the top of the unit in the lounge with memories of my dad; I like to think he is looking down and keep an eye on us.
Thinking of you OP, it will get better.
Edited by HTP99 on Friday 9th August 14:30
We have just been through this this morning (9th). Our 16 year old retriever finally gave up the fight after going down hill this week. The drive to the vets was truly awful, even though she was bright eyed she had lost all control of her back legs. We knew it was coming, and even though we have been through this a few times before its still the worst thing to have to do.
Mixed emotions of relief (no more pain), guilt (did we leave it too long) and complete emptiness. Even our other dog is extremely quiet today
The only thing that helps me is taking about the good times (16 years is damn good) and all the trouble and strife she caused. But also the love she gave and received.
Bizarrely me and the wife had talked about this scenerio only last week and she was convinced she was waiting for my son to return from Army exercise in Canada after being away for 9 weeks. This morning he returned home.
RIP Ellie
Mixed emotions of relief (no more pain), guilt (did we leave it too long) and complete emptiness. Even our other dog is extremely quiet today
The only thing that helps me is taking about the good times (16 years is damn good) and all the trouble and strife she caused. But also the love she gave and received.
Bizarrely me and the wife had talked about this scenerio only last week and she was convinced she was waiting for my son to return from Army exercise in Canada after being away for 9 weeks. This morning he returned home.
RIP Ellie
I confess I am now in tears.
What I can tell you is that you are experiencing normal emotions for a much loved family member. The guilt is normal and to be expected because we start doubting our decision. I can hand on heart tell you that had your vet felt it was right for her to go home, they would have said so, you were right to listen to their advice and their should be no guilt.
We lost our first whippet Jimmy six years ago now to a incurable degenerative illness. he was 8. (there is a thread on here about him at the time) Devastating was an understatement. We had a few months warning as well yet weeks after we said goodbye I started I doubting myself. It was only after watching videos of his last couple days and I realised just how bad he had got that I knew I had made the right call (and under the guidance of my vet who I completely trusted) I cried everyday for two weeks after and it took me months to get over it even now though I will get tearful occasionally.
Cancer is a nasty nasty illness and stays hidden for so long with very few signs until it becomes too advanced in many cases and animals are especially good at hiding it (we lost our little cat through it and whilst she was not right for a while all the tests (and she had a lot done) came back as clear until it actually had spread.
The hardest part is definitely how to discuss it with young children. My boy was 3.5yrs old when we lost Jimmy, they were very close. May be its because I am a vet nurse but the only only way I could tell him was with honesty re death, I couldn't bring myself to say he was with angels or in the sky, he asked questions, which I expected, and he was sad that we wouldn't see Jimmy again but he accepted it well. You can only do what you feel comfortable with the only thing I ever really advise is not to use the word sleeping as young children aren't able to differentiate between sleeping at night and sleeping forever so can worry them sometimes.
I truly am sorry for your loss, Lady sounds like an amazing character and had a fantastic, happy life with you, which is all you can hope for for them,
If you continue to struggle, don't be ashamed, talk to someone, the Blue Cross have a bereavement helpline and it is worth keeping them in mind.
What I can tell you is that you are experiencing normal emotions for a much loved family member. The guilt is normal and to be expected because we start doubting our decision. I can hand on heart tell you that had your vet felt it was right for her to go home, they would have said so, you were right to listen to their advice and their should be no guilt.
We lost our first whippet Jimmy six years ago now to a incurable degenerative illness. he was 8. (there is a thread on here about him at the time) Devastating was an understatement. We had a few months warning as well yet weeks after we said goodbye I started I doubting myself. It was only after watching videos of his last couple days and I realised just how bad he had got that I knew I had made the right call (and under the guidance of my vet who I completely trusted) I cried everyday for two weeks after and it took me months to get over it even now though I will get tearful occasionally.
Cancer is a nasty nasty illness and stays hidden for so long with very few signs until it becomes too advanced in many cases and animals are especially good at hiding it (we lost our little cat through it and whilst she was not right for a while all the tests (and she had a lot done) came back as clear until it actually had spread.
The hardest part is definitely how to discuss it with young children. My boy was 3.5yrs old when we lost Jimmy, they were very close. May be its because I am a vet nurse but the only only way I could tell him was with honesty re death, I couldn't bring myself to say he was with angels or in the sky, he asked questions, which I expected, and he was sad that we wouldn't see Jimmy again but he accepted it well. You can only do what you feel comfortable with the only thing I ever really advise is not to use the word sleeping as young children aren't able to differentiate between sleeping at night and sleeping forever so can worry them sometimes.
I truly am sorry for your loss, Lady sounds like an amazing character and had a fantastic, happy life with you, which is all you can hope for for them,
If you continue to struggle, don't be ashamed, talk to someone, the Blue Cross have a bereavement helpline and it is worth keeping them in mind.
addsvrs said:
We have just been through this this morning (9th). Our 16 year old retriever finally gave up the fight after going down hill this week. The drive to the vets was truly awful, even though she was bright eyed she had lost all control of her back legs. We knew it was coming, and even though we have been through this a few times before its still the worst thing to have to do.
Mixed emotions of relief (no more pain), guilt (did we leave it too long) and complete emptiness. Even our other dog is extremely quiet today
The only thing that helps me is taking about the good times (16 years is damn good) and all the trouble and strife she caused. But also the love she gave and received.
Bizarrely me and the wife had talked about this scenerio only last week and she was convinced she was waiting for my son to return from Army exercise in Canada after being away for 9 weeks. This morning he returned home.
RIP Ellie
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss Mixed emotions of relief (no more pain), guilt (did we leave it too long) and complete emptiness. Even our other dog is extremely quiet today
The only thing that helps me is taking about the good times (16 years is damn good) and all the trouble and strife she caused. But also the love she gave and received.
Bizarrely me and the wife had talked about this scenerio only last week and she was convinced she was waiting for my son to return from Army exercise in Canada after being away for 9 weeks. This morning he returned home.
RIP Ellie
My heart goes out to you. Who would ever know our pets could mean so much to us.
Thank you to the others for the very kind words of support offered too. I will try and offer more than this to you down the line but I do appreciate your support.
I thought I should include a photo of my girl. Missing her every second....
I'm so very sorry.
I wish I could say something to make it better, but nothing will - yet.
But please know that everything you are feeling is, as others have said, absolutely normal and part of the grieving process. Give yourselves time and do not beat yourself up about it.
I will be thinking of you all.
It may be worth looking at this:
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-p...
I have not used them myself, but have seriously considered it, particularly when I lost one of my dogs in very traumatic circumstances.
I wish I could say something to make it better, but nothing will - yet.
But please know that everything you are feeling is, as others have said, absolutely normal and part of the grieving process. Give yourselves time and do not beat yourself up about it.
I will be thinking of you all.
It may be worth looking at this:
https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-p...
I have not used them myself, but have seriously considered it, particularly when I lost one of my dogs in very traumatic circumstances.
We had to take our 18 year old cat Missy to the vet today and she passed away peacefully.
A dear friend of ours had bought her for my youngest daughter and my daughter was devastated at the loss.
Missy had been unwell for a few months and although on medication it was only a matter of time.
It is so distressing to see any animal that you have shared your life with going downhill and two days ago she lost the proper use of her back legs.
It was so upsetting to see her trying so hard to walk and you want to keep her with you for as long as possible but prolonging her life without quality is not fair.
It's so difficult to take that decision when your pet is so trusting and you feel so torn as to what to do for the best, playing God is not easy, but when her back legs went we knew it was that time.
We all shall miss her but we shared 18 good years together and that's a great comfort.
A dear friend of ours had bought her for my youngest daughter and my daughter was devastated at the loss.
Missy had been unwell for a few months and although on medication it was only a matter of time.
It is so distressing to see any animal that you have shared your life with going downhill and two days ago she lost the proper use of her back legs.
It was so upsetting to see her trying so hard to walk and you want to keep her with you for as long as possible but prolonging her life without quality is not fair.
It's so difficult to take that decision when your pet is so trusting and you feel so torn as to what to do for the best, playing God is not easy, but when her back legs went we knew it was that time.
We all shall miss her but we shared 18 good years together and that's a great comfort.
Edited by avinalarf on Friday 9th August 17:41
I really feel for you op, this brings back so many memories. Over twenty years ago I lost my GSD Luke and felt exactly the way you describe. Nothing seemed real anymore and it felt like I lived in another life for about a month. It's hard and there's really nothing anyone can say or do to make it feel any better but try to focus on the good times however hard that may be. Time is the only thing that will help and you will come out the other side with fond memories of your friend.
Rip Lady
Rip Lady
OP, so sorry to hear this.
We lost a dog in our care on Saturday.
It won’t help you but your post has helped me realise that the sense of loss when you loose a pet is not unusual.
(Posted this in the lounge the other day, not realising we had this forum).
Had been looking after a dog. He came to stay with us for a week a couple of months back and he loved it with us and we absolutely loved having him. Never had a dog of our own but got the hang of it pretty quickly. Owners were going on holiday so we jumped at him coming to stay with us for his summer holidays. We live in a rural area, very different to where he lives.
Saturday night, take him for a walk round the fields that he’s got to know and he’s happy as Larry. He then decides to head home. There’s about four fields and he always sits by the gate at the last one before the road, to get his leash attached. But this time he decides to run, ignoring my calls. Completely out of character. I can only assume something spooked him though what I don’t know – we’re the only ones in the field.
The road that passes by to where we live is very quiet. You’re lucky to see one car in any five-minute period at that time but the poor mutt chose that one car to jump in front of. Damage too great to fix.
We’re completely devastated. It’s not our dog for a start (though the owners couldn’t have been lovelier about it). But I just feel so deeply sad that this little ball of joy came to us for his holidays and ended up getting mown down and he isn’t with us anymore. I had a few days planned to be with him – take him to the beach as stuff (he’d never been to a beach).
Feeling like this when it’s not our dog makes me realise just how tough it is when it is so OP, I really feel your pain. Like you, we have no benchmark to gauge our feelings.
The comments of others here have been very helpful. Thank you.
We lost a dog in our care on Saturday.
It won’t help you but your post has helped me realise that the sense of loss when you loose a pet is not unusual.
(Posted this in the lounge the other day, not realising we had this forum).
Had been looking after a dog. He came to stay with us for a week a couple of months back and he loved it with us and we absolutely loved having him. Never had a dog of our own but got the hang of it pretty quickly. Owners were going on holiday so we jumped at him coming to stay with us for his summer holidays. We live in a rural area, very different to where he lives.
Saturday night, take him for a walk round the fields that he’s got to know and he’s happy as Larry. He then decides to head home. There’s about four fields and he always sits by the gate at the last one before the road, to get his leash attached. But this time he decides to run, ignoring my calls. Completely out of character. I can only assume something spooked him though what I don’t know – we’re the only ones in the field.
The road that passes by to where we live is very quiet. You’re lucky to see one car in any five-minute period at that time but the poor mutt chose that one car to jump in front of. Damage too great to fix.
We’re completely devastated. It’s not our dog for a start (though the owners couldn’t have been lovelier about it). But I just feel so deeply sad that this little ball of joy came to us for his holidays and ended up getting mown down and he isn’t with us anymore. I had a few days planned to be with him – take him to the beach as stuff (he’d never been to a beach).
Feeling like this when it’s not our dog makes me realise just how tough it is when it is so OP, I really feel your pain. Like you, we have no benchmark to gauge our feelings.
The comments of others here have been very helpful. Thank you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, reading your post is utterly heartbreaking. I honestly find it hard to write a reply but I wanted to offer you deepest sympathy. It's obviously excruciatingly painful for you. My lovely Bengal cat Boris had a rapid stomach cancer last year which was absolutely awful so I understand your bewilderment at the rapid diagnosis and end. Grief is so personal to each of us and grief of a pet is absolutely devastating which I think many underestimate. It is just as valid, take your time, go at your own pace with it. Treasure your wonderful memories of your little shadow. x
StevieBee said:
OP, so sorry to hear this.
We lost a dog in our care on Saturday.
It won’t help you but your post has helped me realise that the sense of loss when you loose a pet is not unusual.
(Posted this in the lounge the other day, not realising we had this forum).
Had been looking after a dog. He came to stay with us for a week a couple of months back and he loved it with us and we absolutely loved having him. Never had a dog of our own but got the hang of it pretty quickly. Owners were going on holiday so we jumped at him coming to stay with us for his summer holidays. We live in a rural area, very different to where he lives.
Saturday night, take him for a walk round the fields that he’s got to know and he’s happy as Larry. He then decides to head home. There’s about four fields and he always sits by the gate at the last one before the road, to get his leash attached. But this time he decides to run, ignoring my calls. Completely out of character. I can only assume something spooked him though what I don’t know – we’re the only ones in the field.
The road that passes by to where we live is very quiet. You’re lucky to see one car in any five-minute period at that time but the poor mutt chose that one car to jump in front of. Damage too great to fix.
We’re completely devastated. It’s not our dog for a start (though the owners couldn’t have been lovelier about it). But I just feel so deeply sad that this little ball of joy came to us for his holidays and ended up getting mown down and he isn’t with us anymore. I had a few days planned to be with him – take him to the beach as stuff (he’d never been to a beach).
Feeling like this when it’s not our dog makes me realise just how tough it is when it is so OP, I really feel your pain. Like you, we have no benchmark to gauge our feelings.
The comments of others here have been very helpful. Thank you.
So sorry to hear this. What an awful thing to happen to you.We lost a dog in our care on Saturday.
It won’t help you but your post has helped me realise that the sense of loss when you loose a pet is not unusual.
(Posted this in the lounge the other day, not realising we had this forum).
Had been looking after a dog. He came to stay with us for a week a couple of months back and he loved it with us and we absolutely loved having him. Never had a dog of our own but got the hang of it pretty quickly. Owners were going on holiday so we jumped at him coming to stay with us for his summer holidays. We live in a rural area, very different to where he lives.
Saturday night, take him for a walk round the fields that he’s got to know and he’s happy as Larry. He then decides to head home. There’s about four fields and he always sits by the gate at the last one before the road, to get his leash attached. But this time he decides to run, ignoring my calls. Completely out of character. I can only assume something spooked him though what I don’t know – we’re the only ones in the field.
The road that passes by to where we live is very quiet. You’re lucky to see one car in any five-minute period at that time but the poor mutt chose that one car to jump in front of. Damage too great to fix.
We’re completely devastated. It’s not our dog for a start (though the owners couldn’t have been lovelier about it). But I just feel so deeply sad that this little ball of joy came to us for his holidays and ended up getting mown down and he isn’t with us anymore. I had a few days planned to be with him – take him to the beach as stuff (he’d never been to a beach).
Feeling like this when it’s not our dog makes me realise just how tough it is when it is so OP, I really feel your pain. Like you, we have no benchmark to gauge our feelings.
The comments of others here have been very helpful. Thank you.
My parents had to have their Golden Retriever put down today. He was 14 and a half. He was the friendliest most chilled out dog you could ever wish to have met.
He had a number of health scares recently and we knew he was on borrowed time, but it doesn’t make it any easier when they finally leave us.
I managed to make it through the day at work before falling to pieces.
It’s going to be horrible going to the parents place tomorrow and him not walking out the front to greet me.
He had a number of health scares recently and we knew he was on borrowed time, but it doesn’t make it any easier when they finally leave us.
I managed to make it through the day at work before falling to pieces.
It’s going to be horrible going to the parents place tomorrow and him not walking out the front to greet me.
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