Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Long story short - I'm posting under an alias (apologies mods) as I have another login that I don't want to "ruin" here.
I suspect my wife is having an affair but I don't have any concrete evidence, or at least enough to confront her with (although quite a lot of "coincidental/circumstantial" stuff that makes me suspect).
We've been married for 15 years and have been drifting apart for a little while but we have two children that we both dote on. I can't imagine what life would be like for them without both of us in their lives, and I don't want to even consider life apart from them.
We've had a couple of counselling sessions recently which have been quite positive but I can't shake the feeling that she's hiding something. If I were to tell you the circumstances (and if I read someone else posting this) the situation is more or less textbook.
I'll go into it in more detail if necessary but at the moment I want to know if it's worth hiring someone to follow her for a while and get something definitive one way or the other. It's eating me up and I need to know.
Has anyone been down this route successfully and what was the outcome please?
Thanks.
I suspect my wife is having an affair but I don't have any concrete evidence, or at least enough to confront her with (although quite a lot of "coincidental/circumstantial" stuff that makes me suspect).
We've been married for 15 years and have been drifting apart for a little while but we have two children that we both dote on. I can't imagine what life would be like for them without both of us in their lives, and I don't want to even consider life apart from them.
We've had a couple of counselling sessions recently which have been quite positive but I can't shake the feeling that she's hiding something. If I were to tell you the circumstances (and if I read someone else posting this) the situation is more or less textbook.
I'll go into it in more detail if necessary but at the moment I want to know if it's worth hiring someone to follow her for a while and get something definitive one way or the other. It's eating me up and I need to know.
Has anyone been down this route successfully and what was the outcome please?
Thanks.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 15:00
If it was me I would not bother - if you are already thinking its over then its over.
Say you bust her with a PD she's only going to go mental and take you to the cleaners anyway. Best thing to do is be calm and polite and start sorting out your escape plan i.e money, assets etc......
Say you bust her with a PD she's only going to go mental and take you to the cleaners anyway. Best thing to do is be calm and polite and start sorting out your escape plan i.e money, assets etc......
Thanks for the replies. We've been through some tough times in the past and come through.
I'm not quite ready to give up yet and I'm not 100% sure. I want to be proved wrong so I can put my full energies into the counselling/repairing of the relationship.
Although I'm not very religious, I took my wedding vows very seriously and for me, marriage/children is a very serious commitment that I won't walk away from lightly.
Again, I appreciate the replies though - and point taken about arranging my "affairs".
I'm not quite ready to give up yet and I'm not 100% sure. I want to be proved wrong so I can put my full energies into the counselling/repairing of the relationship.
Although I'm not very religious, I took my wedding vows very seriously and for me, marriage/children is a very serious commitment that I won't walk away from lightly.
Again, I appreciate the replies though - and point taken about arranging my "affairs".
Did the counselling sessions highlight your suspicions or not? What did you think when you left? Was anything said that either confirmed your suspicions or made you think it was all inside your head?
Slightly OT bit heard the other day of a couple in their 80's who getting a divorce! If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.
Slightly OT bit heard the other day of a couple in their 80's who getting a divorce! If it wasn't so sad it would be funny.
Men are generally as thick as mince when it comes to picking up on subtleties, therefore, if you suspect an affair - it's happening.
There is no easy way out of this other than to confront her and ask for a straight answer, explaining that you've considered a private detective (so she knows you're serious), but you'd rather put your efforts into fixing what's wrong than trying to catch her in flagrante.
There is no easy way out of this other than to confront her and ask for a straight answer, explaining that you've considered a private detective (so she knows you're serious), but you'd rather put your efforts into fixing what's wrong than trying to catch her in flagrante.
I'd be very careful that it is not just your own imagination getting carried away with you. Is is common and natural to think that the fault might lie with a 3rd party. human nature is we do not want to blame ourselves for our failing and are nearly as reluctant to blame those we love, which normaly leads to looking for a 3rd party.
You need to start by writing down all the suspicions you have and then see if you can un-emotionally assign a perfectly good and acceptable reason to them, to make sure you not doing the 1 + 1 = 3. Seeing them on paper may make you think a bit more about them.
PD is a bad idea and really only needs be a last resort, as others have said its unlikely to help the situation or make you feel any better, weather your right or wrong.
hope you get it sorted out either way.
You need to start by writing down all the suspicions you have and then see if you can un-emotionally assign a perfectly good and acceptable reason to them, to make sure you not doing the 1 + 1 = 3. Seeing them on paper may make you think a bit more about them.
PD is a bad idea and really only needs be a last resort, as others have said its unlikely to help the situation or make you feel any better, weather your right or wrong.
hope you get it sorted out either way.
If I may offer some advice. Don't, not until you've sort out what you want to do.
Obviously we don't know the full details, but are you really sure this is the case?
To take this a bit further - what is your ultimate aim / desire here? To sort things out or get the confirmation you need to start the divorce process?
If the PD came and delivered a DVD of "evidence" - what would you do with it? How would you feel?
At the end of the day, I'm afraid there are only 2 ways this will go:
i) You continue, but you know what has occured and you have to live with that.
ii) You break-up and deal with the consequences.
Having been down a similarish path with someone once, I would be very wary of starting a chain of events that would be difficult to stop.
If it was me, I would try and arrange some time together and see how things go. Take your time with this.
However, if it really is game over, then I'd get a very good lawyer on board now and start sorting out you assets ASAP. No matter what people say, when people tool-up with legal counsel, that all goes out of the window and everything is to play for.
Obviously we don't know the full details, but are you really sure this is the case?
To take this a bit further - what is your ultimate aim / desire here? To sort things out or get the confirmation you need to start the divorce process?
If the PD came and delivered a DVD of "evidence" - what would you do with it? How would you feel?
At the end of the day, I'm afraid there are only 2 ways this will go:
i) You continue, but you know what has occured and you have to live with that.
ii) You break-up and deal with the consequences.
Having been down a similarish path with someone once, I would be very wary of starting a chain of events that would be difficult to stop.
If it was me, I would try and arrange some time together and see how things go. Take your time with this.
However, if it really is game over, then I'd get a very good lawyer on board now and start sorting out you assets ASAP. No matter what people say, when people tool-up with legal counsel, that all goes out of the window and everything is to play for.
If she's fallen into needing the excitement of something new, the problem is with the relationship rather than one or another of you.
Don't bother with private detectives, just choose the right moment and ask her outright if there is something going on. If she's not willing to admit it, share what things have happened to make you suspect there is. Employing someone to spy on her is only taking things further from amicable, rather than closer. If you get confirmation of what you fear, what are you going to do with that information? It certainly won't make it easier to discuss what's going on with her.
Don't bother with private detectives, just choose the right moment and ask her outright if there is something going on. If she's not willing to admit it, share what things have happened to make you suspect there is. Employing someone to spy on her is only taking things further from amicable, rather than closer. If you get confirmation of what you fear, what are you going to do with that information? It certainly won't make it easier to discuss what's going on with her.
Don't confront her without 100% cast iron evidence. If she is having an affair then she will deny it and swear blind it's not happening.
Buy a voice activated mp3 recorder from Ebay, put it under her car seat. If she is having an affair she will be on the phone to him or have him in the car. Either that or a car tracker - that's what the PDs use anyway.
PM me if you want, it's not a nice place you're in. Good luck.
Buy a voice activated mp3 recorder from Ebay, put it under her car seat. If she is having an affair she will be on the phone to him or have him in the car. Either that or a car tracker - that's what the PDs use anyway.
PM me if you want, it's not a nice place you're in. Good luck.
Edited by cliffe_mafia on Thursday 16th August 19:16
All, put yourself in this position... If you found out the Mrs WAS having an affair, would you be able to reconcile that? I wouldn't nor would I expect my OH to do so.it would without doubt be a deal breaker for me, the ultimate betrayal. I've not have this happen before, but wouldn't be able to forgive or forget.
OP, I hope this is just a set of coincidences, and theres nothing sinister going on.
OP, I hope this is just a set of coincidences, and theres nothing sinister going on.
A bit down said:
Although I'm not very religious, I took my wedding vows very seriously
You make that sound like an exception to the rule, and that most non religious people don't care!I got married in a registry office, and made promises to my wife without any involvement of god. And I take them very seriously too.
Anyway, best of luck with your situation. And avoid the idiots who say she's definitely having an affair, it's all over etc. They may turn out to be right, but they're still just guessing.
If you've been married for 15 years - and together presumably a bit longer still - you can presumably have a conversation with her about how you've been feeling the two of you drifting for a little while and ask her if she's happy with how things are currently etc.
If you are correct and she has been having an affair of some sort, is that something you can possibly forgive her for in time - if you can understand the reasons that drove her to it?
Affairs don't *have* to end in divorce and family break-up. They can be talked about, understood, worked through and forgiven in time - accepting that quite possibly your own actions were a contributing factor to some degree, either great or small.
Do you still love her, even if the trust has between you has taken a dip?
People react in all sorts of ways to infidelity and there's no *right* way, just what works for the pair of you and your family. Good luck addressing your concerns and relationship and I hope things work out well in the end.
If you are correct and she has been having an affair of some sort, is that something you can possibly forgive her for in time - if you can understand the reasons that drove her to it?
Affairs don't *have* to end in divorce and family break-up. They can be talked about, understood, worked through and forgiven in time - accepting that quite possibly your own actions were a contributing factor to some degree, either great or small.
Do you still love her, even if the trust has between you has taken a dip?
People react in all sorts of ways to infidelity and there's no *right* way, just what works for the pair of you and your family. Good luck addressing your concerns and relationship and I hope things work out well in the end.
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