Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Jasandjules said:
Can I just say (haven't read all the thread) get her to sign a consent order now setting out all the things you have agreed, and get it to a solicitor. Otherwise I suspect she might, in a few months, decide she'd rather have the house and you can do into the rental etc...
Absolutely agree. I've just watched someone else go through this, and all the reasonable deals he and his wife made to keep things hassle-free and civil came to absolutely nothing once the solicitors got involved. He ended up shafted. ABD, the sooner you can get an enforceable agreement in place while things are still civil, the better. Best of luck with it all.OP
Please listen to me here. THINGS WILL CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
When she meets someone or you meet someone emotions will dictate. She will either get jealous of you moving on or her new chap will start twisting the knife. Unfortunately the children will be used by her. No matter how reasonable she may be now, it will not last.
YOU MUST LEGALISE THE SITUATION.
If you let it go bad itself and then try and get legal help the fact that she said this, and she said that means f
k all! If you don't do it for yourself then do it for the children.
Do it NOW.
NOW!
Please listen to me here. THINGS WILL CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
When she meets someone or you meet someone emotions will dictate. She will either get jealous of you moving on or her new chap will start twisting the knife. Unfortunately the children will be used by her. No matter how reasonable she may be now, it will not last.
YOU MUST LEGALISE THE SITUATION.
If you let it go bad itself and then try and get legal help the fact that she said this, and she said that means f
k all! If you don't do it for yourself then do it for the children.Do it NOW.
NOW!
We told the children tonight. We put a lot of thought into what to say, made sure we reassured them as much as possible, told them how much we both loved them and that we will be staying friends so they don't need to feel uncomfortable and can talk to either of us about anything at any time.
They both tried to be brave for a few minutes, then fell to pieces. They are still crying now, three hours later. This has absolutely broken my heart - I absolutely hate X at the moment. Although I take some responsibility for letting our marriage slip, it didn't need to come to this and it is her fault that it has.
I have no idea how I am supposed to be civil to this woman for the next ten years. I have a lot of patience, but not this much.
She moves out next weekend. The house is full of boxes, the kids don't know if they are coming or going (literally) and everything is a mess. I'm really, really hoping it can only get better from here but I fear that with X in our lives, the worst will be yet to come.
Sorry for the downer post, but I have never felt this bad in my life.
They both tried to be brave for a few minutes, then fell to pieces. They are still crying now, three hours later. This has absolutely broken my heart - I absolutely hate X at the moment. Although I take some responsibility for letting our marriage slip, it didn't need to come to this and it is her fault that it has.
I have no idea how I am supposed to be civil to this woman for the next ten years. I have a lot of patience, but not this much.
She moves out next weekend. The house is full of boxes, the kids don't know if they are coming or going (literally) and everything is a mess. I'm really, really hoping it can only get better from here but I fear that with X in our lives, the worst will be yet to come.
Sorry for the downer post, but I have never felt this bad in my life.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 2nd November 22:45
Really feel for you ABD.
Try not to think too far ahead at this stage and just concentrate on the children.
Might be worth talking to the wife and agreeing a common explanation of what has happened and stick to it. Try and keep any digs and bitterness away from them too as they will not understand.
Try and get them to except that they are not losing either of you and you will both be there for them just the same.
Grit those teeth man, it's going to get rough, but it ill work out in the end.
Try not to think too far ahead at this stage and just concentrate on the children.
Might be worth talking to the wife and agreeing a common explanation of what has happened and stick to it. Try and keep any digs and bitterness away from them too as they will not understand.
Try and get them to except that they are not losing either of you and you will both be there for them just the same.
Grit those teeth man, it's going to get rough, but it ill work out in the end.
Thanks for the kind words. Just managed to get them to settle, I'm going to try and get some sleep. Can't even bring myself to look at X.
Will post again when she's gone, I hope things will get better then.
Edit - I had typed "A" when I meant "X". Apologies, I'm pretty tired.
Will post again when she's gone, I hope things will get better then.
Edit - I had typed "A" when I meant "X". Apologies, I'm pretty tired.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 2nd November 22:45
The kids will adapt. It tears your heart out at the moment, but that will quickly go.
In the meantime you still need to be looking after YOU: sleep, food, exercise, some QT if at all possible.
Sorry to hear about what X and A have been up to: on the bright side you'll soon not have to look at X anymore (except when collecting the kids), and that does make things a lot more bearable.
Keep yer chin up, oh, and as someone else said, get it all legalised!
In the meantime you still need to be looking after YOU: sleep, food, exercise, some QT if at all possible.
Sorry to hear about what X and A have been up to: on the bright side you'll soon not have to look at X anymore (except when collecting the kids), and that does make things a lot more bearable.
Keep yer chin up, oh, and as someone else said, get it all legalised!
A bit down said:
We told the children tonight. We put a lot of thought into what to say, made sure we reassured them as much as possible, told them how much we both loved them and that we will be staying friends so they don't need to feel uncomfortable and can talk to either of us about anything at any time.
They both tried to be brave for a few minutes, then fell to pieces. They are still crying now, three hours later. This has absolutely broken my heart - I absolutely hate X at the moment. Although I take some responsibility for letting our marriage slip, it didn't need to come to this and it is her fault that it has.
I have no idea how I am supposed to be civil to this woman for the next ten years. I have a lot of patience, but not this much.
She moves out next weekend. The house is full of boxes, the kids don't know if they are coming or going (literally) and everything is a mess. I'm really, really hoping it can only get better from here but I fear that with X in our lives, the worst will be yet to come.
Sorry for the downer post, but I have never felt this bad in my life.
Well. There is rock bottom. It can only get better from here?They both tried to be brave for a few minutes, then fell to pieces. They are still crying now, three hours later. This has absolutely broken my heart - I absolutely hate X at the moment. Although I take some responsibility for letting our marriage slip, it didn't need to come to this and it is her fault that it has.
I have no idea how I am supposed to be civil to this woman for the next ten years. I have a lot of patience, but not this much.
She moves out next weekend. The house is full of boxes, the kids don't know if they are coming or going (literally) and everything is a mess. I'm really, really hoping it can only get better from here but I fear that with X in our lives, the worst will be yet to come.
Sorry for the downer post, but I have never felt this bad in my life.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 2nd November 22:45
philthy said:
When you're going through hell, keep going.
It will get better.
What he said.It will get better.
The children's quality of life will improve once you've all settled down a bit and they'll be able to gradually process how things have changed. They're incredibly resilient little buggers - this time next year it'll be just a memory for you, half-remembered by your oldest and the little one will barely be able to describe what happened.
ABD, so sorry to read that things with the children are not great. If it's any comort at all, children are very resilient and will find their own way of making sense of what is happening around them. It can be very hard indeed keeping civil when you all you want to do is shout and scream at someone for their appalling behaviour, but as you know, it won't help and in front of the children it can be very disturbing.
I would suggest that you find a way of talking and expressing how you feel about all of this. PH is great for this, but do remember that organisations like the Samaritans can provide a very immediate and always present outlet for expressing your frustrations when you feels very down.
As always, wishing you and your kin well.
I would suggest that you find a way of talking and expressing how you feel about all of this. PH is great for this, but do remember that organisations like the Samaritans can provide a very immediate and always present outlet for expressing your frustrations when you feels very down.
As always, wishing you and your kin well.
next stage it will be X trying to put the kids against you. telling them you dont love them or that you dont care about them.
dont worry as they will judge both sides and realize who is right or wrong.
my parents divorced when i was 11. didn't took me long to realize they where happier divorced than living in the same house.
dont worry as they will judge both sides and realize who is right or wrong.
my parents divorced when i was 11. didn't took me long to realize they where happier divorced than living in the same house.
My daughter was took from me at 4, brainwashed by her mother, aunt and grandmother, shes 13 now. Kids take everything in, even the bad stuff and lies. I hope your kids can see through the BS that she WILL tell them. Your in for a rough ride mate, get ready for a dirty fight. Stay strong and adult about it all.
You know what, she might not brainwash them. My ex husband was the cheater yet I never slagged him off to my son. Their relationship is their business.
However, you need to be strong and behave properly no matter what she does. Do not slag her off to them, it will not work in your favour. Be honourable in all that you do and the children will see that.
However, you need to be strong and behave properly no matter what she does. Do not slag her off to them, it will not work in your favour. Be honourable in all that you do and the children will see that.
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