Wife wants sprog Christened - I don't.

Wife wants sprog Christened - I don't.

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vixen1700

22,669 posts

269 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Carthage said:
I feel that the issue of christening your daughter pales into insignificance beside the issue of your not wanting her. frown
Yeah, really.

I was Christened, but Christianity means nothing to me, nor does any religion for that matter.

Cock Womble 7

29,908 posts

229 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
I'm too selfish to deal with having a child. A child will get in the way of what I want from life, in terms of where I can go, what I can buy and how I can live. Life was getting close to how I wanted it - own house, wife, and Labrador. Harry (the Labrador) is my substitute for a child - he is my boy, doesn't need clothes (grows his own), doesn't need to go to school, is excited by the prospect of eating left-overs, gives unconditional affection even when he's just had a bking, and wants nothing more complex than a tennis ball to play with.

Children are much more expensive.
Firstly, did you make your feelings clear to your OH when you got together?

Secondly, why the fk did you subsequently end up impregnating her if you feel like this about children?


GTO Scott

Original Poster:

3,816 posts

223 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Carthage said:
I felt the same way about my likely parental skills, or lack thereof.
That's why I've always used something called 'contraception'.

I feel that the issue of christening your daughter pales into insignificance beside the issue of your not wanting her. frown
As have I. However, as you are most likely aware, contraception is only 99% effective. Given that my wife and I had managed 5 years child-free, and neither of us had any issues with previous partners, I'd say we understand it pretty well. Yes, I suppose she could have had an abortion, but that was her choice. I could not, in any way, shape or form influence her decision on that as I wouldn't have been the one who had to deal with the emotional consequences.

I always said I would do my best for the child if she ever got pregnant and I stand by that. I will not run away, I will give her the best life I can. But I cannot change how I feel, and I will not lie about it.

Cock Womble 7

29,908 posts

229 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Justayellowbadge said:
Jesus Christ.

DrTre

12,955 posts

231 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
I always said I would do my best for the child if she ever got pregnant and I stand by that. I will not run away, I will give her the best life I can. But I cannot change how I feel, and I will not lie about it.
Genuinely and sincerely be interested to know if/how your feelings change after you become a father.

Carthage

4,261 posts

143 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
As have I. However, as you are most likely aware, contraception is only 99% effective. Given that my wife and I had managed 5 years child-free, and neither of us had any issues with previous partners, I'd say we understand it pretty well. Yes, I suppose she could have had an abortion, but that was her choice. I could not, in any way, shape or form influence her decision on that as I wouldn't have been the one who had to deal with the emotional consequences.

I always said I would do my best for the child if she ever got pregnant and I stand by that. I will not run away, I will give her the best life I can. But I cannot change how I feel, and I will not lie about it.
Sorry to hear that you find yourself in this position. frown
My mother didn't want children, and had us because my father was desperate for kids.
Our childhood was a strange mix of loveliness from my father, and un-loveliness from my mother, as she resented us.
We'd have been happier without her.

GTO Scott

Original Poster:

3,816 posts

223 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Cock Womble 7 said:
Firstly, did you make your feelings clear to your OH when you got together?
Yes. She was under no illusions.

A lot of people have told me I will change my opinions when sprog is here, and in a years time I'll look back and think about how I feel now and call myself an idiot for feeling like it at all. I genuinely hope this is the case - no child should grow up without a pair of loving parents. But as the time draws near I find my feelings against children getting stronger, and, being totally truthful, the whole concept of fatherhood scares the st out of me.

Rickyy

6,618 posts

218 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
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Carthage said:
Sorry to hear that you find yourself in this position. frown
My mother didn't want children, and had us because my father was desperate for kids.
Our childhood was a strange mix of loveliness from my father, and un-loveliness from my mother, as she resented us.
We'd have been happier without her.
An absent parent is far less emotionally damaging than an unloving one. I hope for your child's sake you change the way you feel. A christening really is the least of your worries!

vixen1700

22,669 posts

269 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
and, being totally truthful, the whole concept of fatherhood scares the st out of me.
Never wanted kids myself, not sure if I was ever scared, but I never really wanted the responsibility of children or maybe selfishly the growing up I'd have to do plus the worry of it all.

I have an image of perfect childhhood/parenthood in my head from when I was a nipper and it was of a father and son with a petrol radio-controlled Spitfire over Wanstead flats. To me, selfishly again that moment of perfection never justified the heartache, responsibility, frustration and worry of being a father.

Ended up marrying somebody who couldn't have kids and accepted that fact early on, although we did once talk about IVF but never acted on it.

An ex of mine started collecting kids' toys/room decorations and hiding them under the bed, got out of that one. hehe


GTO Scott

Original Poster:

3,816 posts

223 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Rickyy said:
An absent parent is far less emotionally damaging than an unloving one. I hope for your child's sake you change the way you feel. A christening really is the least of your worries!
Being absent would require me to divorce my wife - as we have an otherwise great relationship, this is not an option. I would agree - a christening really shouldn't be an issue right now, but it's my wife's insistence (egged on by her family) that the christening must happen as soon as possible that means it has become an issue.

Carthage

4,261 posts

143 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
Being absent would require me to divorce my wife - as we have an otherwise great relationship, this is not an option. I would agree - a christening really shouldn't be an issue right now, but it's my wife's insistence (egged on by her family) that the christening must happen as soon as possible that means it has become an issue.
Given the difficult circumstances, I think you should let her have the child christened as she wants, to keep the peace, especially if she is to be the more active parent.
You don't want to risk alienating your support network (her family) either.

What harm can it do?

Rickyy

6,618 posts

218 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
Being absent would require me to divorce my wife - as we have an otherwise great relationship, this is not an option. I would agree - a christening really shouldn't be an issue right now, but it's my wife's insistence (egged on by her family) that the christening must happen as soon as possible that means it has become an issue.
This child is going to be one of the most important things in her life, it will put a huge strain on your relationship if you resent this child. Not to mention the emotional effect it will have on the child. I remember a similar thread a year or two ago, pretty much echoing your thoughts on fatherhood, he changed his tone hugely once the child had arrived, I really hope the same happens with you!

Best of luck!

Jasandjules

69,825 posts

228 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
How old are you?

If there is a lot of pressure, then I suppose the question is: What difference will it truly make to your life if she does get Christened? If she was talking about taking the child to church every Sunday then that's a bit different...

ikarl

3,730 posts

198 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
GTO Scott said:
Rickyy said:
An absent parent is far less emotionally damaging than an unloving one. I hope for your child's sake you change the way you feel. A christening really is the least of your worries!
Being absent would require me to divorce my wife - as we have an otherwise great relationship, this is not an option. I would agree - a christening really shouldn't be an issue right now, but it's my wife's insistence (egged on by her family) that the christening must happen as soon as possible that means it has become an issue.
OP, I personnally think you should let your wife have the christening. It's nothing to you as it doesn't mean anything (religiously) so be the bigger person and let it go ahead. Enjoy it and try and get involved, don't be the person sulking in the back ground as that won't help your feelings towards your new born.

I'm not religious in anyway and I wouldn't want my child christened. But, if it was important to the person I love, well, then it's important to me.

Hope things work out well for you


Robb F

4,562 posts

170 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
If you're an atheist then a christening has no more significance than any random man from the street sprinkling water on your babies head whilst babbling about an imaginary friend. So you might as well keep the mrs happy and let it happen.

sawman

4,915 posts

229 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
I know quite a few parents who had their kids christened, for the sole reason of getting them into the local church school, which had a much better reputation than all the others in our area.

We haven't christened ours, they can make their own mind up about it later. My wife went to a convent school, she has been turned off anything religious forever. As a lad I spent quite a bit of time with "churchy" types, and was impressed by their mealy mouthed hypocrisy, so I wasn't beating a path to the church either.


We did have a "Welcome" party with friends and family, which I think was better option.

Hackney

6,811 posts

207 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Welcome party sounds like a good idea.

Trouble with "giving in" to the Christening as "it keeps her happy" is what happens with the next thing?

Christening / Baptism
Catholic School / Faith School
Sunday School
etc etc etc

Where do you finally say, hang on this isn't "my belief" and I'm 50% of this child's DNA what about keeping me happy?

GTO Scott

Original Poster:

3,816 posts

223 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Jasandjules said:
How old are you?

If there is a lot of pressure, then I suppose the question is: What difference will it truly make to your life if she does get Christened? If she was talking about taking the child to church every Sunday then that's a bit different...
28. I don't suppose it would make much difference to me, but I would find it very hypocritical of myself to stand there by the font and mumble words about leading her in the Christian way when I believe differently.

GTO Scott

Original Poster:

3,816 posts

223 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
Hackney said:
Welcome party sounds like a good idea.

Trouble with "giving in" to the Christening as "it keeps her happy" is what happens with the next thing?

Christening / Baptism
Catholic School / Faith School
Sunday School
etc etc etc

Where do you finally say, hang on this isn't "my belief" and I'm 50% of this child's DNA what about keeping me happy?
In all fairness to my wife, she wants to select a school based only on educational merit - faith schools and the like are not an issue. It's the whole 'christening because it's tradition' thing that bothers me, mainly because it's bks.

Melman Giraffe

6,759 posts

217 months

Saturday 6th October 2012
quotequote all
S10GTA said:
GTO Scott said:
Jasandjules said:
Not sure how a child represents a failure however I don't think it would be right of your wife to insist on a religious ceremony for your child if that is not your wish. What about a non-religious naming ceremony as a compromise?
I'm too selfish to deal with having a child. A child will get in the way of what I want from life, in terms of where I can go, what I can buy and how I can live. Life was getting close to how I wanted it - own house, wife, and Labrador. Harry (the Labrador) is my substitute for a child - he is my boy, doesn't need clothes (grows his own), doesn't need to go to school, is excited by the prospect of eating left-overs, gives unconditional affection even when he's just had a bking, and wants nothing more complex than a tennis ball to play with.

Children are much more expensive.

As for a non-religious ceremony, she won't have that. Has to be a christening, has to be in a certain church.

We got married at Pendennis Castle - so no religious element in the marriage.
With all due respect, you sound like tit. If you didn't want a kid then you should have bagged up. Poor kid frown
I second this. Lots of people in this world can't have children!1 Poor child