Rant: The fatso next to me

Rant: The fatso next to me

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Discussion

Anubis

Original Poster:

1,029 posts

178 months

Friday 12th October 2012
quotequote all
I'm posting this because it's a Friday afternoon and I need to vent (feel free to exit).

At work we have no fixed places - it's a case of turn up and sit at any available desk. My usual spot was taken today; "No worries, it's not the end of the world" I think to myself and so I sit in another spot a few rows away. Happily working away as you do this huge fat guy sits at the desk next to me.

Now I couldn't care less if you're tall, short, fat or thin but what fcensoredg does bother me is when you eat with your bcensoredy mouth open gobbling away whilst slapping your chops for hours on end with half eaten food in your mouth on full show to the world.

At 10:30am I contemplated whether to say something, however being British I tolerate it trying to ignore the constant mush noises swirling around Jabba the Huts pie hole whilst fatso is gorging on yet another M&S yum yum. 20 minutes pass and he finally stops eating and does some work on the computer. A sigh of relief. Finally I can concentrate and with blood pressure returning to normal I proceed to do 10 minutes of work.

As we enter the eleventh hour of the day, Sir fcensoredg Munchalot decides to return to his full to the brim carrier bag and pluck another item out to eat. The same noises return making me want to punch this chap square on the nose, vomit or both - the know the type; we all know the type - unfortunately this type does not know the bcensoredy type.

This chap is mega size; we're talking the revolting fat censored from the Monty Python sketch fat. Belly hanging several times over his trousers yet as every single censored minute passes more food is entering this things face. He is utterly revolting and is making me feel ill; constantly slurping, chomping, slapping, squelching.

I feel like standing up and shouting "STOP FcensoredING EATING YOU FAT BcensoredD. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU - YOU'RE A TUB OF LARD THAT GETS OUT OF BREATH LEAVING YOUR OWN CHAIR". But I don't. Of course I don't because that would make me in the eyes of my colleagues a complete wcensoredr for some reason.

And so, I continue to sit here next to this disgusting fcensoreding blub of a 'colleague' mid afternoon with no where else to sit whilst he is cramming a huge salad down his throat, half of it hanging out of it's mouth whilst holding a half eaten bagel in the other hand as if his life depended on it. The noise alone makes me gag; as if someone is eating in my ear and spitting food out along the way.

At present we are now half way through the bcensoredy selection of food - dear mother of God I have 3 hours to go!.

I've always wondered how we could solve world hunger and now I know - just get rid of this fat fcensoredr and problem solved. How anyone can be so obese and disgusting is beyond me. What's even more challenging is how anyone can eat virtually non stop from 10:30am ("sorry, just started lunch" was muttered at 11am in between swallowing something and grabbing yet another item). Lunch! Lunch! It's 11am you ccensoredt - you've already had two sandwiches and it's at least an hour before everyone else deems it lunch - STOP EATING!

Make sure you choose wisely where you sit peeps - don't make the mistake I unknowingly did.

Rant over

Buzz word

2,028 posts

208 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Are there any other free desks?

Riknos

4,700 posts

203 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Makes you wonder why people are fat, huh? I used to work with a couple of massively fat girls - Who had whole tins of biscuits, and Celebrations etc on their desks that they munched on all day long - same example, but luckily I didn't sit next to, just near them.

I used to always see them, daily without fail visit the vending machine and come back with crisps and chocolate bars - No wonder they're fat, jesus.

Pork

9,453 posts

233 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Good subject, liked the use of Sir Munchalot - nice touch.

Could have used more swearing.

7/10.


I feel your pain (though my office muncher is skinny, I reckon he could give your boy a run on volume (both of food and noise)).

AyBee

10,522 posts

201 months

Friday 12th October 2012
quotequote all
Good rant, 8.5 biggrin Particularly liked the names smile

Maybe try leaving the rant open on your screen while you go and get a coffee? Perhaps pushing your laptop a little closer to him or turning your screen hehe

Nicholas Blair

4,096 posts

283 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Tough shift - folk in here like that, maybe not so big but constantly eating. WHY??????????

B3Svert

553 posts

191 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Brother, I feel your pain.

I fking hate, really fking hate people who eat loudly especially in office or transport environments. My wife can't understand it, sounds just don't bother her but they really grind my gears.

People chewing gum on a flight next to me, clack-clack-clack as their vacuous gob swings open like a yawning demented hippo - learn some fking manners!

People grazing in the office, rustling crisps and chomping through them, crumbs flying out of their open mouths - learn some fking manners!

I'm very happy that I can work from home smile

Pig Skill

1,368 posts

202 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Maybe you should try farting? Might get the fat to move away.

Pork

9,453 posts

233 months

Friday 12th October 2012
quotequote all
Nicholas Blair said:
Tough shift - folk in here like that, maybe not so big but constantly eating. WHY??????????
Boredom. I certainly eat more on quiet days. In fact, to the point that I need to get a grip or get another arse fitted - at this rate, I'll be giving Mr Creasote a run for his money by Christmas.

Pixel Pusher

10,188 posts

158 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Here's what you do.

Pop out and get a bar of Dairy Milk and a bar of Exlax.

Wrap the Exlax in the Dairy Milk wrapper and then snap off one segment.

Then tell Sir Munchalot that you don't fancy the rest of the bar and offer it to him, and watch while he devours it like a starved wolf.

Then snigger to yourself at the thought of his bowels expolding like Krakatoa on the train home and him having to walk from the station like he's holding a live eel between the cheeks of his arse.


Reardy Mister

13,757 posts

221 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Headphones and ipod?

TimJM

1,497 posts

209 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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There are so many things you could do to help this person rather than rant about him.


Do him a favour and slip some ex-lax choc bars in his carrier (he might lose some weight).

Loosen the bolts on his chair which will inevitably collapse on his return (he will be off work for some time with a tasty payout).

Drop a few high strength caffeine tablets in his coffee (the best workout his heart will have had for years).

Order Domino's for him, every hour on the hour (he does like food and no doubt his boss will take a dim view of the regular deliveries).

The list goes on... Maybe you should start a thread on "how could I help this chap sitting by me". I'm sure the PH collective can come up with some suggestions.

dodgyviper

1,197 posts

237 months

Friday 12th October 2012
quotequote all
Pig Skill said:
Maybe you should try farting? Might get the fat to move away.
You're suggesting he gets into a farting war with a gastric munitions factory??

Think more wisely young Padewan nono

mnkiboy

4,409 posts

165 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Anubis said:
The same noises return making me want to punch this chap square on the nose, vomit or both
Yeah! Punch him in the vomit!

AGumbo

516 posts

180 months

Friday 12th October 2012
quotequote all
B3Svert said:
Brother, I feel your pain.

I fking hate, really fking hate people who eat loudly especially in office or transport environments. My wife can't understand it, sounds just don't bother her but they really grind my gears.

People chewing gum on a flight next to me, clack-clack-clack as their vacuous gob swings open like a yawning demented hippo - learn some fking manners!

People grazing in the office, rustling crisps and chomping through them, crumbs flying out of their open mouths - learn some fking manners!

I'm very happy that I can work from home smile
This entirely this, shut your mouth and chew you fking mouth breathing bellend. It is rapidly becoming my number once hate!

I would tell him something like ' sorry I have to move as you are a loud, fat etc'

Bluequay

1,963 posts

217 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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Be worried when the bag runs out, he might decide to eat you!

ikarl

3,730 posts

198 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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That's a good rant for me. Made me smile and I felt your pain

Good, solid 9

RVVUNM

1,913 posts

208 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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We are currently trying to blow up a fat tt in our office. Every now and again the 55 year old fat bellend (trust me he's vile)tells us how much he's lost in his non existent diet, so we place sausage rolls and cakes on the desk opposite him and wait....Bingo, he takes it every time.

Big Fat Fatty

3,303 posts

155 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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I feel your pain (it's not me by the way hehe), I used to work in a hotel kitchen as a teenager with a guy who had/probably still has a 56" waist with yet more hanging over his trousers. Watching him eat was the single most horrifying experience of my life so far. Platefuls of food just disappeared into what I assumed was a bottomless pit in his face, then he'd wipe his hands over his shirt and start picking at stuff from the fridges talking, slurping and munching as he went.


Edited by Big Fat Fatty on Friday 12th October 15:32

S10GTA

12,645 posts

166 months

Friday 12th October 2012
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ikarl said:


That's a good rant for me. Made me smile and I felt your pain

Good, solid 9
This.

We need picture of said fatso