Break-ups - can you remain friends after?
Discussion
Long story short, any practical tips on how the hell to deal with a break-up with someone who was and to a degree is still a very good friend you've known for years?
There's way too much to start to really go into but complete escape isn't really an option as we work at the same place, the issue is mainly that even being friends is incredibly strained at the moment.
I'm aware I sound about 10 years old and will be told as much, "Jesus Christ" etc. but let's assume that I'm human and MTFU only goes so far so whilst some people can simply say "Oh well" and shrug it off, others dwell - sadly I'm one of the latter.
There is no sister to bang, and w
king myself into a coma isn't 100% consistent 
I'll await the inevitable flack but can't be arsed with posting under a false name etc.
There's way too much to start to really go into but complete escape isn't really an option as we work at the same place, the issue is mainly that even being friends is incredibly strained at the moment.
I'm aware I sound about 10 years old and will be told as much, "Jesus Christ" etc. but let's assume that I'm human and MTFU only goes so far so whilst some people can simply say "Oh well" and shrug it off, others dwell - sadly I'm one of the latter.
There is no sister to bang, and w
king myself into a coma isn't 100% consistent I'll await the inevitable flack but can't be arsed with posting under a false name etc.
Ikemi said:
How long have you known each other? How long were you in a relationship together? Why did you break up and was it amicable?
About 8 years and around a year - which to some is no time but how hard it hits is how hard it hits.Reasons are mainly that she is/was in a very difficult place emotionally due to a birth, parents death, and marriage breakdown (not because of me) all taking place within a year leaving her pretty much alone and stressed to f
k.With hindsight you could say I was the shoulder to cry on and perhaps things moved a little too quick.
If contact is unavoidable, then I'd suggest:
Do go do great effort to have less contact. Without being dramatic like hiding in the boys toilets.
Keep it completely functional and about the task in hand. Make sure you numb all emotive feelings going into the interaction so they don't burst out. If you have to talk about joint / shared assets / mutual friends be very careful.
Don't reply to texts / emails.
Don't start any conversations by texts / emails.
I strictly only talk to my ex (17 years in and 4 months split) about the kids / assets split and once that's done - the impending divorce. Anything else causes utter bedlam. When the kids are giving her a hard time / her new life isn't going to plan the texts start. Ditto for the insane phone calls. All ignored for the greater good.
Do go do great effort to have less contact. Without being dramatic like hiding in the boys toilets.
Keep it completely functional and about the task in hand. Make sure you numb all emotive feelings going into the interaction so they don't burst out. If you have to talk about joint / shared assets / mutual friends be very careful.
Don't reply to texts / emails.
Don't start any conversations by texts / emails.
I strictly only talk to my ex (17 years in and 4 months split) about the kids / assets split and once that's done - the impending divorce. Anything else causes utter bedlam. When the kids are giving her a hard time / her new life isn't going to plan the texts start. Ditto for the insane phone calls. All ignored for the greater good.
bhstewie said:
hstewie said: About 8 years and around a year - which to some is no time but how hard it hits is how hard it hits.
Reasons are mainly that she is/was in a very difficult place emotionally due to a birth, parents death, and marriage breakdown (not because of me) all taking place within a year leaving her pretty much alone and stressed to fk.
With hindsight you could say I was the shoulder to cry on and perhaps things moved a little too quick.
In my experience, I've never bothered keeping in contact with any of my exes. It's either been down to the fact that we split for a reason, whereby there was no need to continue as just friends, or due to distance, where one of us has moved away.Reasons are mainly that she is/was in a very difficult place emotionally due to a birth, parents death, and marriage breakdown (not because of me) all taking place within a year leaving her pretty much alone and stressed to f
k.With hindsight you could say I was the shoulder to cry on and perhaps things moved a little too quick.
However ...
I do still work with an ex. It was a little awkward at first, but with time you'll move on and things do become a lot easier. Try not to ignore her, as this will just make matters worse. Just be yourself and show confidence around her.
From reading above, she has obviously had to deal with a lot of mental and emotional anguish. As hard as it may be, perhaps it wasn't the best time for her to have a new relationship. As you say, you may well have been the shoulder to cry on. However if you've been good friends for 8 years, try to be there for her as a friend and nothing more.
You'll most likely come out of this as good friends again! There might be the option of something more later on, if that's something you both want. However by then, I bet you may feel as though you've had a lucky escape ...
Yes, I've remained friends with an ex for many years.
He's a thoroughly lovely person, but it just didn't work out for us.
I think it does depend on behaviours during the relationship, though.
I chose not to remain friends with my most recent ex although he wanted to; who wants a liar (male or female) for a friend?
He's a thoroughly lovely person, but it just didn't work out for us.
I think it does depend on behaviours during the relationship, though.
I chose not to remain friends with my most recent ex although he wanted to; who wants a liar (male or female) for a friend?
Lawbags said:
stewies_minion said:
In my experience - not I'm afraid.
However mental she was before has been amplified by a million since.
Sorry.
Yup...totally agree. Just not going to happen.However mental she was before has been amplified by a million since.
Sorry.
I've found that after a few years you can start to make friends again.
The only ex of mine I don't talk to any more is one that asked me not to because she had a problem handling it (I'm her one that got away etc).
stewies_minion said:
Don't start any conversations by texts / emails.
Those are where if I'm honest, I struggle.Not in a needy "I want you back" way but simply because I miss my mate like f
k, and of course like most blokes if I'm in that kind of a mood it's all too easy to send something.Face to face we still get on - it's weird in that we laugh and it's genuine and we aren't at each others throats and never were - if it was some kind of destructive "arguing all the time" thing I'd be well rid but there's a lot of "background noise" that contributed to things and still does i.e childcare and her being way too dependent on her mother-in-law.
bhstewie said:
hstewie said: Those are where if I'm honest, I struggle.
Not in a needy "I want you back" way but simply because I miss my mate like fk, and of course like most blokes if I'm in that kind of a mood it's all too easy to send something.
You need to do something you take your mind off her; see friends, play Xbox, beat the 7 wNot in a needy "I want you back" way but simply because I miss my mate like f
k, and of course like most blokes if I'm in that kind of a mood it's all too easy to send something.k barrier, buy some Scalextric ... 
Big man's PH answer - MTFU / have a wk / start shagging another bird.
Real world - just stop. My ex was my world. Everything I did focused around her. It took me a few weeks of adjusting but they're just best off forgotten. Mine cheated, lied and treated me like utter st at the end. That's in no way to say I was perfect. Far from it. She will be forgetting you / planning to see other people and move on without you.
What's stopping you deleting her number?
k / start shagging another bird. Real world - just stop. My ex was my world. Everything I did focused around her. It took me a few weeks of adjusting but they're just best off forgotten. Mine cheated, lied and treated me like utter s
t at the end. That's in no way to say I was perfect. Far from it. She will be forgetting you / planning to see other people and move on without you. What's stopping you deleting her number?
I haven't had any contact with the last two. I was in a relationship for 18 months with one who was lovely, but it wasn't going to work so I ended things. I think she was keener than I was to keep in touch and remain friends, but the fact that she lived most of the year in another country meant that it would have only been sporadic. The second I still hold a flame for, but that would never have worked either and it was in my interests to cut all contact.
My new GF wasn't really comfortable about me seeing her (number 1), which I respected, so we have gone our separate ways (the same applied for my GF and her ex who I knew was desperate to get back with her - either way, I didn't want a lesser stag on my moor; the thought of being friendly with someone who is a bit of knob, and who had slept with my GF didn't appeal)
My ex has since de-friended me on facebook, which I guess is her way of moving on. Alternatively, perhaps she didn't like seeing me with someone else - she was all for moving back to the UK and moving in with me, which is what prompted the split.
My new GF wasn't really comfortable about me seeing her (number 1), which I respected, so we have gone our separate ways (the same applied for my GF and her ex who I knew was desperate to get back with her - either way, I didn't want a lesser stag on my moor; the thought of being friendly with someone who is a bit of knob, and who had slept with my GF didn't appeal)
My ex has since de-friended me on facebook, which I guess is her way of moving on. Alternatively, perhaps she didn't like seeing me with someone else - she was all for moving back to the UK and moving in with me, which is what prompted the split.
Ikemi said:
You need to do something you take your mind off her; see friends, play Xbox, beat the 7 wk barrier, buy some Scalextric ...
I don't have many friends - again not something people like to admit to but I've always been the quiet sort.k barrier, buy some Scalextric ... Taking my mind off her, at times I'm absolutely fine, at other times it's easy to dwell - what should I do, what should I have done etc. which isn't healthy but isn't easy to stop.
The other Stewie is right ultimately and "just stop" is the answer - and if I were reading this thread I'd be saying the same thing, just isn't always as easy to take your own medicine
There's no simple answer as each situation is different I think?
I've got friends of friends who were a gay couple for some years, who then broke up and found new partners, who now go on holidays together as a happy foursome (no swinging etc). I work with somebody who's wife left him (he was devastated), the wife ran off with another married man, and my employee then married the other mans partner (does that even make sense?!?).
Each to their own, good luck anyway.
I'd go cold turkey and avoid all contact unless you bump into each other at work, be pleasant and move on.
Get yourself on a dating website/pub/internet, there's somebody out there for everyone, a new bird will soon take the shine off the old one..
I've got friends of friends who were a gay couple for some years, who then broke up and found new partners, who now go on holidays together as a happy foursome (no swinging etc). I work with somebody who's wife left him (he was devastated), the wife ran off with another married man, and my employee then married the other mans partner (does that even make sense?!?).
Each to their own, good luck anyway.
I'd go cold turkey and avoid all contact unless you bump into each other at work, be pleasant and move on.
Get yourself on a dating website/pub/internet, there's somebody out there for everyone, a new bird will soon take the shine off the old one..
Edited by anonymous-user on Friday 3rd January 13:27
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