Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
My partners Step-Dad went through a messy divorce, he continued paying for the house for nearly 3 years whilst his daughter lived there and the ex moved in with her new partner / flitted between the two.
She ran up thousands in debt on "joint" credit cards and emptied all the bank accounts, finally turned his daughter against him and they haven't spoken in years, do not take anything for granted, do not move out of the family home and maintain positive, regular contact with the children (he worked away and really struggled to do this).
O/T
They have been all over the country to every specialist, for batteries of tests and nothing like what you suggest has been found, I am sure they would have been glad if it had been and it least they would have some "reasoning" behind their life being severely limited.
She ran up thousands in debt on "joint" credit cards and emptied all the bank accounts, finally turned his daughter against him and they haven't spoken in years, do not take anything for granted, do not move out of the family home and maintain positive, regular contact with the children (he worked away and really struggled to do this).
O/T
gweaver said:
The handful of people I've known who've been diagnosed with ME and/or chronic fatigue have all subsequently been diagnosed with food allergies and intolerances. I see ME as a catch all for "doctor doesn't know what the problem is". It's very handy if a patient has read about ME on the interweb and just wants a diagnosis..
That said, I think there has been some research on ME recently that identified a common cause in some cases. Sorry, no linky - can't remember where I read it.
Just on this, my Aunt and Uncle have M.E., both diagnosed in their early 20's, both have been to University in the 1980's, one as a teacher and one as a banker, it has completely destroyed their lives, careers and any opportunity to have a family, (for over 25 years, so well before the internet).That said, I think there has been some research on ME recently that identified a common cause in some cases. Sorry, no linky - can't remember where I read it.
They have been all over the country to every specialist, for batteries of tests and nothing like what you suggest has been found, I am sure they would have been glad if it had been and it least they would have some "reasoning" behind their life being severely limited.
Edited by Trexthedinosaur on Wednesday 31st May 14:43
I know several women who have been diagnosed with ME or fibromyalgia. It's pretty debilitating sometimes.
One day they can be bright and full of energy, the next they are virtually bedridden in pain with their nerve endings jangling, or complete exhaustion. It's also the kind of thing that can flare up from nothing to extreme in a few hours, then disappear just as quick.
There's no cure yet apart from pain management.
I do think doctors use the fibromyalgia as a general diagnosis when nothing else fits, just so there's a label attached to it for further pain management.
I moved out from my Ex about a year and a half ago. In a 3 bed terrace, where the 3rd bedroom is a box room, there isn't enough room to keep yourself sane or have any privacy. You do end up paying half the mortgage and child maintenance as well as trying to cover your own rent. But you get to keep your sanity and get away fro the arguments and snide comments. A lot of houses simply aren't big enough to stay in when there's an atmosphere.
You recover from the hurt. You move on. You make new friends. That's when the sh*t starts, when she sees you moving on and enjoying life again. If you're lucky, when you left, you're in a frame of mind where you've tried to make things work, but have just hit a brick wall at every step and know that part of your life has run its course.
When I had the final "talk" with my ex, I asked if she was happy and wanted to stay together.
She said no, and that if she was miserable then she wanted to make my life miserable too.
I thought on this, then asked...
"Why should I stay?"..expecting an answer like she still had a bit of love for me.
Instead she said "you can't, I wont let you. I forbid you from leaving"
That kind of summed it all up. Control. When she said that, I felt the final bit of love I had for her was tossed aside like a cigarette butt and squished under her foot.
I moved out a month later after enduring a month in the box room.
Her demands are the house, the kid, all my pension, and any future inheritance I get (ever) lol
One day they can be bright and full of energy, the next they are virtually bedridden in pain with their nerve endings jangling, or complete exhaustion. It's also the kind of thing that can flare up from nothing to extreme in a few hours, then disappear just as quick.
There's no cure yet apart from pain management.
I do think doctors use the fibromyalgia as a general diagnosis when nothing else fits, just so there's a label attached to it for further pain management.
I moved out from my Ex about a year and a half ago. In a 3 bed terrace, where the 3rd bedroom is a box room, there isn't enough room to keep yourself sane or have any privacy. You do end up paying half the mortgage and child maintenance as well as trying to cover your own rent. But you get to keep your sanity and get away fro the arguments and snide comments. A lot of houses simply aren't big enough to stay in when there's an atmosphere.
You recover from the hurt. You move on. You make new friends. That's when the sh*t starts, when she sees you moving on and enjoying life again. If you're lucky, when you left, you're in a frame of mind where you've tried to make things work, but have just hit a brick wall at every step and know that part of your life has run its course.
When I had the final "talk" with my ex, I asked if she was happy and wanted to stay together.
She said no, and that if she was miserable then she wanted to make my life miserable too.
I thought on this, then asked...
"Why should I stay?"..expecting an answer like she still had a bit of love for me.
Instead she said "you can't, I wont let you. I forbid you from leaving"
That kind of summed it all up. Control. When she said that, I felt the final bit of love I had for her was tossed aside like a cigarette butt and squished under her foot.
I moved out a month later after enduring a month in the box room.
Her demands are the house, the kid, all my pension, and any future inheritance I get (ever) lol
Off topic - I had ME a long time ago - it never totally leaves you. Best thing you can do is look after yourself, eat properly, keep your brain busy and everything else will slowly follow along.
For me it happened after I was very ill at Uni with cardiac and respiratory issues. Went from being 1st team Rugby and Basketball to being unable to walk to the toilet (about 5 metres from my room).
For me it happened after I was very ill at Uni with cardiac and respiratory issues. Went from being 1st team Rugby and Basketball to being unable to walk to the toilet (about 5 metres from my room).
theboss said:
Your kids need as much stability and continuity of their existing routines as possible - a principle that every teacher, social worker, child psychologist and family court will generally agree on. The fact that she even threatens to pull them around from pillar to post shows where her priorities are right now. It's exactly what my ex did, projecting all her anxieties and insecurities onto them which goes against parental instinct to protect and shelter.
What you need to do is ensure that - whatever your living and eventual custody arrangements may be - you are absolutely unshakable in your commitment to fostering stability in their lives, and playing as much of a direct day to day role as possible. You have the opportunity to become an anchor for them at a time when they will probably lose confidence in their mother because of her erratic and self-absorbed behaviour. Remember its your wife who has voluntarily bailed out of the family unit - don't for a moment fall into the trap of feeling as though you've been ejected from it.
As advised above, do NOT make any rushed decisions on who lives where. Let her go and have all her childless nights with her exciting new lover whilst you stay at home and look after the kids if possible - offer her this opportunity - if she's anything like my ex she'll jump at the chance. Meanwhile keep detailed records of who cares for the children and when/where - start now, fill in the last week, and don't stop for at least the next 6 months. I also personally made an appointment with the school head and explained the circumstances and how I was concerned about the inevitable impact on the kids' well-being.
It's probably a bit premature, but if there is any likelihood of the new partner having contact with your children you should also make a request to the police under the offender disclosure scheme - I did this and whilst it (thankfully) didn't reveal any concerns I found the police staff to be very helpful and supportive and at every point they stressed that rather than wasting their time I was acting as a genuinely concerned, responsible parent.
Please also send me a PM if you ever feel a desire to talk directly with someone who has been through the same shower of s
t and lived to tell the tale.
Very good post. Keeping detailed notes can prove to be highly effective.What you need to do is ensure that - whatever your living and eventual custody arrangements may be - you are absolutely unshakable in your commitment to fostering stability in their lives, and playing as much of a direct day to day role as possible. You have the opportunity to become an anchor for them at a time when they will probably lose confidence in their mother because of her erratic and self-absorbed behaviour. Remember its your wife who has voluntarily bailed out of the family unit - don't for a moment fall into the trap of feeling as though you've been ejected from it.
As advised above, do NOT make any rushed decisions on who lives where. Let her go and have all her childless nights with her exciting new lover whilst you stay at home and look after the kids if possible - offer her this opportunity - if she's anything like my ex she'll jump at the chance. Meanwhile keep detailed records of who cares for the children and when/where - start now, fill in the last week, and don't stop for at least the next 6 months. I also personally made an appointment with the school head and explained the circumstances and how I was concerned about the inevitable impact on the kids' well-being.
It's probably a bit premature, but if there is any likelihood of the new partner having contact with your children you should also make a request to the police under the offender disclosure scheme - I did this and whilst it (thankfully) didn't reveal any concerns I found the police staff to be very helpful and supportive and at every point they stressed that rather than wasting their time I was acting as a genuinely concerned, responsible parent.
Please also send me a PM if you ever feel a desire to talk directly with someone who has been through the same shower of s
t and lived to tell the tale.Edited by theboss on Wednesday 31st May 12:06
AndStilliRise said:
Sa Calobra said:
Frank7 said:
A reasonable assumption, but when my ex wife divorced me, (completely and totally with me at fault), she was awarded a pittance in my opinion, with which she could hardly take the piss, and she wasn't that kind of woman anyway.
I made a deal with her, I'd set up a Direct Debit to her bank for the amount that the court had awarded her, this would keep the Inland Revenue in the dark, and off my back, then I'd give her the exact same amount in cash every month, providing the deal remained just between us.
I willingly did this for about three years, until she met her new husband, and he'd moved in with her, prior to their marriage.
I carried on with the Direct Debit, adjusting it to cover only the amount awarded for the children until my kids were 18, although I still gave her that relevant sum in cash each month.
The way I saw it, she'd been an excellent wife and mother, why should she and my kids go without because I'd been a jerk.
Top bloke. Most PH'ers it seems go for/fall out with a certain type who they then claim (on a one way forum) that it's always the woman who is at fault. The man's a saint..I made a deal with her, I'd set up a Direct Debit to her bank for the amount that the court had awarded her, this would keep the Inland Revenue in the dark, and off my back, then I'd give her the exact same amount in cash every month, providing the deal remained just between us.
I willingly did this for about three years, until she met her new husband, and he'd moved in with her, prior to their marriage.
I carried on with the Direct Debit, adjusting it to cover only the amount awarded for the children until my kids were 18, although I still gave her that relevant sum in cash each month.
The way I saw it, she'd been an excellent wife and mother, why should she and my kids go without because I'd been a jerk.
I was a London black cab driver, and I spent my working day picking up the public, which quite often included girls and women, who voluntarily got in my taxi, listened to the B.S. I laid on them, got out and paid me for the privilege, and very often would accept my offer of lunch, dinner, or drinks.
That's the reason that I was a badly behaved jerk during my marriage, I fancied almost every female that hailed my cab.
Eventually, I straightened up and flew right, and then met a woman, who after I confessed my past, said, "Frank, that was then, this is now, but if you screw me over, you're a dead man."
She's been my wife for a long time now, and I ain't dumb enough to get this one wrong.
An interesting documentary, about the American Mens Rights movement. It was made by a open minded female.
Edited by hyphen on Wednesday 31st May 23:36
SpaceRanger said:
How about this one.
Things haven't been going that well between my wife and I for a few months - she was showing all the classic signs- no eye contact, one word replies, defensive body language, not committing to holidays...
Today I was off work sick and we were in the kitchen. Her phone went off and she just silenced it and put it away. As I was slightly suspicious already. I asked who it was. She said it was a friend from school ( and now Facebook) who was having marriage problems but wouldn't give me his name. Things got a bit heated and I asked if she would allow me to look at her phone - you know trust, open marriage. She refused as she said it was private. I said she could look at mine as I have nothing to hide and couldn't see why she was refusing and that it looked suspicious to me.
The argument continued and she then blurted out that she wasn't happy and wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married. She accused me of being intolerant of our children - she may have a case on that one but I have recently tried to be more understanding. She brought up one incident from a year ago when she said I insulted our second oldest, implying she was fat.
I suggested counciling, which she rejected, so in my eyes she doesn't want a resolution. She also said she was going to tell me after my daughter had finished A''levels which implies a degree of planning.
We have been together for 25 years and married 18 of them. We have four children (8 till 18) I pay all the major outgoings - mortgage, cars, gas and electric. She is in a low paid jobs which includes lots of night shifts. I look after the kids while she is working so that is going to be an issue if we split.
I suspect an emotional affair at the very least.
Deep down though I haven't really loved her for years so that doesn't really upset me.
It is the upheaval for our kids and for me financially that I am worried about.
Thoughts, practical advice welcome.
Get her to agree to set aside some 'quiet time' where you can both work out what the problems are, and what each of you want to do about it. Only then can you really move forward.Things haven't been going that well between my wife and I for a few months - she was showing all the classic signs- no eye contact, one word replies, defensive body language, not committing to holidays...
Today I was off work sick and we were in the kitchen. Her phone went off and she just silenced it and put it away. As I was slightly suspicious already. I asked who it was. She said it was a friend from school ( and now Facebook) who was having marriage problems but wouldn't give me his name. Things got a bit heated and I asked if she would allow me to look at her phone - you know trust, open marriage. She refused as she said it was private. I said she could look at mine as I have nothing to hide and couldn't see why she was refusing and that it looked suspicious to me.
The argument continued and she then blurted out that she wasn't happy and wasn't sure if she wanted to stay married. She accused me of being intolerant of our children - she may have a case on that one but I have recently tried to be more understanding. She brought up one incident from a year ago when she said I insulted our second oldest, implying she was fat.
I suggested counciling, which she rejected, so in my eyes she doesn't want a resolution. She also said she was going to tell me after my daughter had finished A''levels which implies a degree of planning.
We have been together for 25 years and married 18 of them. We have four children (8 till 18) I pay all the major outgoings - mortgage, cars, gas and electric. She is in a low paid jobs which includes lots of night shifts. I look after the kids while she is working so that is going to be an issue if we split.
I suspect an emotional affair at the very least.
Deep down though I haven't really loved her for years so that doesn't really upset me.
It is the upheaval for our kids and for me financially that I am worried about.
Thoughts, practical advice welcome.
However, in the meantime, think carefully as to what you really want over the next 20-30+ years. How could that be achieved.......what can the finances permit.......who wants to live where etc etc.
As others have said before, don't agree to move out of the house - you just lose all the battles in future. If she needs your help re nights/baby sitting etc then try to build that arrangement into your future plans.
SpaceRanger said:
Robertj21a said:
Get her to agree to set aside some 'quiet time' where you can both work out what the problems are, and what each of you want to do about it. Only then can you really move forward.
However, in the meantime, think carefully as to what you really want over the next 20-30+ years. How could that be achieved.......what can the finances permit.......who wants to live where etc etc.
As others have said before, don't agree to move out of the house - you just lose all the battles in future. If she needs your help re nights/baby sitting etc then try to build that arrangement into your future plans.
Thanks I have already told her that I am not moving out. She is financially naive ( at the moment) and I don't think she has thought the implications of a separation. She would have to give up her job or work reduced hours if I wasn't around. However, in the meantime, think carefully as to what you really want over the next 20-30+ years. How could that be achieved.......what can the finances permit.......who wants to live where etc etc.
As others have said before, don't agree to move out of the house - you just lose all the battles in future. If she needs your help re nights/baby sitting etc then try to build that arrangement into your future plans.
I've been struggling on by, trying to get to grips with things but having more good moments than bad right now
Had a wierd flaky moment in town this morning.
I went into a vape shop to get a new glass because I broke mine pissed up. The (fit as fk) bird behind the counter said they didn't have any, then said, actually just have mine!!!!!!!
I burst into tears when I left the shop
Went back an hour later with a big bunch of flowers and told her she'd never understand how much it meant to me that random (fit) stranger could be kind to me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a wierd flaky moment in town this morning.
I went into a vape shop to get a new glass because I broke mine pissed up. The (fit as f
k) bird behind the counter said they didn't have any, then said, actually just have mine!!!!!!! I burst into tears when I left the shop
Went back an hour later with a big bunch of flowers and told her she'd never understand how much it meant to me that random (fit) stranger could be kind to me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whattodonow said:
I've been struggling on by, trying to get to grips with things but having more good moments than bad right now
Had a wierd flaky moment in town this morning.
I went into a vape shop to get a new glass because I broke mine pissed up. The (fit as fk) bird behind the counter said they didn't have any, then said, actually just have mine!!!!!!!
I burst into tears when I left the shop
Went back an hour later with a big bunch of flowers and told her she'd never understand how much it meant to me that random (fit) stranger could be kind to me!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope you left your number on the flowers?Had a wierd flaky moment in town this morning.
I went into a vape shop to get a new glass because I broke mine pissed up. The (fit as f
k) bird behind the counter said they didn't have any, then said, actually just have mine!!!!!!! I burst into tears when I left the shop
Went back an hour later with a big bunch of flowers and told her she'd never understand how much it meant to me that random (fit) stranger could be kind to me!!!!!!!!!!!!
SpaceRanger said:
I still think the affair has not reached the physical stage yet who knows.
The fact that the call happened when I would usually be at work is suspicious.
In a way I would prefer the affair to be real as at least it would give me solid grounds for divorce..
I hate to say it, but if she just called separation when subjected to mild scrutiny then any other relationship she may be having is almost certainly much more advanced than you think.The fact that the call happened when I would usually be at work is suspicious.
In a way I would prefer the affair to be real as at least it would give me solid grounds for divorce..
When I was in your situation I was made to feel demonised and at fault for every failing in the relationship - including that I wasn't devoted enough to the kids and didn't help out enough around the house (I just worked my b
ks off single-handedly to pay for everything).The real killer is not knowing where you stand. Personally this drove me insane and thats why I resorted to phone hacking and so on - I just had to know. When the evidence was laid bare (literally) everything suddenly made much more sense, momentarily I was relieved that my gut instinct was 100% and that I wasn't the paranoid, insecure fool she portrayed.
You do have to tread reasonably carefully and now she knows you're onto her, she'll be trying harder to cover tracks, but personally if faced with the same situation again I'd want to know the truth even if this invoved some covert observation such as putting a GPS tracker on the car or getting access to the phone.
SpaceRanger said:
We have four children (8 till 18)
I suspect an emotional affair at the very least.
Deep down though I haven't really loved her for years so that doesn't really upset me.
It is the upheaval for our kids and for me financially that I am worried about.
Thoughts, practical advice welcome.
I've cut to the more relevant points as I see it. And bolded the key one. Do not spend another 10years in a dead relationship for the sake of the kids. It's bad for them, they will know. Its awful for your sanity. Do not waste the next 10yrs investing emotional energy in someone you don't love or care for. I suspect an emotional affair at the very least.
Deep down though I haven't really loved her for years so that doesn't really upset me.
It is the upheaval for our kids and for me financially that I am worried about.
Thoughts, practical advice welcome.
Take the initiative, if there is no saving the relationship or no desire to, move on & do it quickly. You are young enough, I'm guessing, to recover from the financial hit. Leave it 10 more yrs you might not be.It will be painful be in no doubt, but it's sometimes best to bite the bullet & move on.
AndStilliRise said:
Whattodonow said:
johnwilliams77 said:
I hope you left your number on the flowers?
I didn't actually think about it at the time, but I might pop back in tomorrow 
"...Take the initiative, if there is no saving the relationship or no desire to, move on & do it quickly. You are young enough, I'm guessing, to recover from the financial hit. Leave it 10 more yrs you might not be.It will be painful be in no doubt, but it's sometimes best to bite the bullet & move on..."
I put a 2 year limit on trying to really work hard on saving my marriage, after spending the previous 5 years trying to work things out.
You do have to ask yourself - do I want to be in the same situation in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.
Hitting 50 I thought I'm still young enough to make really good changes in my life and move on, yet there is that feeling in the back of your mind that you're not exactly a good catch - paying child maintenance, paying off old mortgage, losing half your pension.
Those are material things though. They really don't make up for staying in a relationship that is bad for you physically and mentally.
Pity I didn't have a Plan B in operation so I could move out and have a little stash set up.
I put a 2 year limit on trying to really work hard on saving my marriage, after spending the previous 5 years trying to work things out.
You do have to ask yourself - do I want to be in the same situation in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.
Hitting 50 I thought I'm still young enough to make really good changes in my life and move on, yet there is that feeling in the back of your mind that you're not exactly a good catch - paying child maintenance, paying off old mortgage, losing half your pension.
Those are material things though. They really don't make up for staying in a relationship that is bad for you physically and mentally.
Pity I didn't have a Plan B in operation so I could move out and have a little stash set up.
If you have accrued assets during your life, then the minute you have children and are married you are screwed, its a simple selfish fact that all men should consider before they take the plunge with either. You will typically lose 70% of it all in a divorce.
Given the high % of marriages ending in divorce then a large proportion of dads are on the back foot from that point on under the current legal system.
The fathers that get away with it are the ones who never invested in their families futures in the first place but pissed it up against the wall or down the bookies rather than putting it into bricks and mortar and or a pension, they are the ones who get away scot free as 70% of sod all does not hurt them, but does hurt their children.
Anything over 50/50 should be ring fenced and put in a trust for the children once they are over 18/21 not simply given to the mother.
Given the high % of marriages ending in divorce then a large proportion of dads are on the back foot from that point on under the current legal system.
The fathers that get away with it are the ones who never invested in their families futures in the first place but pissed it up against the wall or down the bookies rather than putting it into bricks and mortar and or a pension, they are the ones who get away scot free as 70% of sod all does not hurt them, but does hurt their children.
Anything over 50/50 should be ring fenced and put in a trust for the children once they are over 18/21 not simply given to the mother.
Edited by PAUL500 on Friday 2nd June 10:01
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