Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[Gargamel]

Re Signs

Part of the problem is you hear an awful lot of "marriage has its ups and downs" - "like most married couples we had tough times" and additionally most people are optimists or at least resilient. You learn to cope, or more accurately like a frog in hot water you just adapt to the new temperature without much thought about the long term.

We do sort of self defence and ignore/miss the signs that say that things are off track, and is this really, genuinely making you happy. Plus we look to change things, improve and most of us have enough "good times" to counter act on some of the problems.

Don't look back too much, it ultimately doesn't help.

[theboss]

Gargamel said:

Re Signs

Part of the problem is you hear an awful lot of "marriage has its ups and downs" - "like most married couples we had tough times" and additionally most people are optimists or at least resilient. You learn to cope, or more accurately like a frog in hot water you just adapt to the new temperature without much thought about the long term.

We do sort of self defence and ignore/miss the signs that say that things are off track, and is this really, genuinely making you happy. Plus we look to change things, improve and most of us have enough "good times" to counter act on some of the problems.

Don't look back too much, it ultimately doesn't help.

It helps me, personally, to analyse the breakdown because in the future I'll be much more mindful of the 'warning signs' and also more trusting of my own instincts.

I was taken for a mug for an extended period of time - she eventually walked out with an affair partner of 2-2.5 years. In that timeframe she'd effectively orchestrated a breakdown of the relationship which I was made to feel responsible for. That will never, ever happen again, as far as I'm concerned.

[mr_spock]

Under 2 weeks until moving. It's getting a bit heated now, going through pictures triggered some nastiness. I've just realised she probably has my Dad's war record, letters from his family and my mum's family photos. I feel a bit sick just thinking about asking for them. The kids shouldn't have to hear the shouting...

I lay in bed last night feeling utterly horrible. Sometimes, it's all too much to deal with. Sometimes it's OK. I don't seem to feel good at all, numb is about the best I can manage. Being told constantly that I'm a liar, that I steal her stuff, bringing up arguments from over 20 years ago to rehash - it's very wearing. The constant outbound drip/flood of money isn't helping, her legal fees (which I'm committed to paying) are really eating into my contingency/house fund.

Still hanging on to the hope that it will be over soon.

[Vincefox]

mr_spock said:

Under 2 weeks until moving. It's getting a bit heated now, going through pictures triggered some nastiness. I've just realised she probably has my Dad's war record, letters from his family and my mum's family photos. I feel a bit sick just thinking about asking for them. The kids shouldn't have to hear the shouting...

I lay in bed last night feeling utterly horrible. Sometimes, it's all too much to deal with. Sometimes it's OK. I don't seem to feel good at all, numb is about the best I can manage. Being told constantly that I'm a liar, that I steal her stuff, bringing up arguments from over 20 years ago to rehash - it's very wearing. The constant outbound drip/flood of money isn't helping, her legal fees (which I'm committed to paying) are really eating into my contingency/house fund.

Still hanging on to the hope that it will be over soon.

Deep breath. Compartmentalise tasks as much as you can and visualise the clear outcome you'd like. If you feel an argument starting, a good exit door is to say something along the lines of "sorry, that might have come out a little blunt, just tiredness talking".

Remember to be kind to yourself in small ways, and let friends help. Good luck to you, you HAVE got this.

[McVities]

Hang in there, I found the final couple of weeks really ste and the toughest bit.
Then one day, blissfully, I was free. Fortunately the final few days really zipped past with all that needed sorting.

[mr_spock]

In all fairness, I think it's just that we haven't gone through all the boxes from our last move. I may well have them somewhere, but the doubt is unpleasant. I'm sure she'll return them if found, I actually do trust her to do the right thing. It's not like I can do much about it anyway.

[Don1]

Keep going mate, you're nearly at the end. It does get better!

[Plate spinner]

Don1 said:

Keep going mate, you're nearly at the end. It does get better!

Yup, head down, keep focussed, nearly there.

Better times are just around the next bend.

[Steve vRS]

So my update.

I've separated from my wife and we have each bought a new house after selling the family home. We have a 50:50 shared childcare arrrangement and Inpay her some maintenance.

I now need to get divorced. How do I do that easily?

We both still talk and have agreed all the financials and childcare so I am hoping legal fees can be kept to a minimum.

[mr_spock]

You can probably use a service like wikivorce to prepare the petition and consent order (if you want one) to reflect the reality. Pretty cheap if you both agree.

[Plate spinner]

mr_spock said:

You can probably use a service like wikivorce to prepare the petition and consent order (if you want one) to reflect the reality. Pretty cheap if you both agree.

Yup, it's how we did / are doing it. About £600 all in. Get the consent order, even though you are on good terms, as are me and my ex, no point having future complications.

Get a wriggle on, if I remember correctly all sorts of annoying taxes if dividing and transferring assets over two years from separation. Within two years it's all classed as 'no gain' and not subject to capital gains.

[anonymous-user]

mr_spock said:

Under 2 weeks until moving. It's getting a bit heated now, going through pictures triggered some nastiness. I've just realised she probably has my Dad's war record, letters from his family and my mum's family photos. I feel a bit sick just thinking about asking for them.

mr_spock said:

In all fairness, I think it's just that we haven't gone through all the boxes from our last move. I may well have them somewhere, but the doubt is unpleasant. I'm sure she'll return them if found, I actually do trust her to do the right thing. It's not like I can do much about it anyway.

With the best intentions meant.
This seems like a recurring pattern with you. Its a bit like she's bad because she has done this and that ...........but on the other hand maybe she's not too bad and its just that I cant find them yet etc.
I think you make excuses for her and I think you are emotionally weak and you leave yourself open to her abusing your position. You come across as a genuine decent guy. Unfortunately you need to start being more cyncical and sticking to it. Your starting point seems to be well id really like to do X ..........if it's ok with you.
Seriously don't allow her to manipulate you and don't keep thinking good of her when you have the gnawing and worrying doubt.
I realise that does come across as your a soft touch grow some but its not meant to be taken like that
Trust your instincts don't over analyse

Oh and good luck

[Adam B]

mr_spock said:

Under 2 weeks until moving. It's getting a bit heated now, going through pictures triggered some nastiness. I've just realised she probably has my Dad's war record, letters from his family and my mum's family photos. I feel a bit sick just thinking about asking for them.

why on earth would she want YOUR parents emotional heirlooms, and why the hell do you feel bad asking for them back?

Bizarrre

[Plate spinner]

Spock, just take an afternoon off work and sort through all those old boxes whilst she's out.

Take anything that's yours. Her stuff will be obvious so ignore that and leave it undisturbed.

And have a pile of 'maybe' stuff. Arrange a day / time so you go through it with her and agree what's what.

Will it be fun? No, not really.

Does it need doing? Yes. And you'll feel better having done it. It's progress.

So take the initiative, may help you feel better.

[singlecoil]

Adam B said:

mr_spock said:

Under 2 weeks until moving. It's getting a bit heated now, going through pictures triggered some nastiness. I've just realised she probably has my Dad's war record, letters from his family and my mum's family photos. I feel a bit sick just thinking about asking for them.

why on earth would she want YOUR parents emotional heirlooms, and why the hell do you feel bad asking for them back?

Bizarrre

The obvious reason would be spite, there's been similar examples on this and the other divorce thread. As for feeling bad about asking for them, I expect he's dreading the ensuing row.

[mr_spock]

She has all photos locked in her room. Yes, I was avoiding the row, mostly because it upsets the kids. I did ask, she says she hasn't seen them and then started accusing me of destroying her photos (I haven't). I have scans of the photos, well most of them, and the docs may well be in one of my box files. I think I sent scans to my cousin, but I'd like the originals. Too many boxes to start going through stuff.

I tend to assume everything will be worse than it is, so build it up to be a nightmare before I've even started. When I actually do tackle something, it's usually OK! There's probably a name for that. Hey, I can be a victim of something now!

Thanks for the support guys, sorry for the whinging but it helps to vent.

[mr_spock]

So far we haven't argued over anything except Xmas decorations. Since photos are a bone of contention (part of the divorce petition was that I accidentally shredded a photo of hers that was left on a pile of paper to shred, and she maintains it was deliberate and therefore I am a "photo destroyer") I agreed she can take them and she'll scan them onto a hard disk for me. Which is fine. Or my daughter will do it.

I don't have much choice but to trust her over this. For everything else, it's painful to do but there's been no game playing. I've never seen her play games over anything actually, maybe she will but we're moving in just over a week and there's no evidence of it yet. Given that my family docs are part of the children's history, I can't see her destroying them. I hope.

[johnwilliams77]

mr_spock said:

So far we haven't argued over anything except Xmas decorations. Since photos are a bone of contention (part of the divorce petition was that I accidentally shredded a photo of hers that was left on a pile of paper to shred, and she maintains it was deliberate and therefore I am a "photo destroyer") I agreed she can take them and she'll scan them onto a hard disk for me. Which is fine. Or my daughter will do it.

I don't have much choice but to trust her over this. For everything else, it's painful to do but there's been no game playing. I've never seen her play games over anything actually, maybe she will but we're moving in just over a week and there's no evidence of it yet. Given that my family docs are part of the children's history, I can't see her destroying them. I hope.

Bit strange of her to call you the 'photo destroyer' for one mistake considering her actions!

[mr_spock]

Lots of history not worth going into. My view is she's mislaid stuff. Hers is that I've chucked/destroyed it. I doubt we'll ever resolve it now. She's not a bad person, we're just not working together any more.

[mangos]

singlecoil said:

The obvious reason would be spite, there's been similar examples on this and the other divorce thread. As for feeling bad about asking for them, I expect he's dreading the ensuing row.

I was the same.
Left sentimental things from my parents when I divorced ex husband 2 years ago.
Christmas stockings my parents had had since they were little and had been handed down to me and my childhood teddy that I'd been given from a grandparent long since departed.

He was so terrible to deal with that the emotional turmoil wasn't worth it for me to ask for them back.

He was too spiteful to offer them back to me when he finally sold our house and moved so assume they are long gone now.

Just busy making new memories and sentiments