Being told " I don't love you anymore"

Being told " I don't love you anymore"

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Discussion

theboss

6,878 posts

218 months

Thursday 16th August 2018
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Gargamel said:
Accelerate the change, get out of there, ASAP. or get the ex out.

Once it’s done, you need to look fwd not back. Sometimes there are things to learn, and sometimes there aren’t. Take what is useful, leave the rest.

You can’t make someone love you. You will recover, and the not having kids with her means a cleaner break, some of us have to see our ex’s often whether we want to or not !
Agree with this.

I’ve hit rock bottom during my own breakup and would never wish to belittle the emotional impact this may have had - but you need to be seriously glad that the children you imagined having with this woman are non-existent. You can have that in the future with someone else.

hyphen

26,262 posts

89 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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+1

No kids means you can lose all contact with her soon enough. And not being married also makes it simpler.

Is house up for sale? As if it has been 6 months surprised not sold. You could come to some arrangement where you get to keep the house if it means a lot to you.

Get your engagement ring back too if she has kept it.

Best sort things out whilst she is happy with other bloke, if he dumps her than will be more work to get rid.

Fckitdriveon

1,036 posts

89 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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D-angle ,

Agree with some of has been said, quite clearly the situation you find yourself in isn’t one that can go on and by your own admission is completely unhealthy for you. Looking for the cleanest / swiftest exit should be high up your to do list.

There’s no shame at all in going through the grieving process, simply sitting with your feelings is one of the hardest things to do. i think perhaps some acknowledgement towards yourself about how well you’re doing wouldn’t go amiss rather than self admonishment .

During times like these self care is important, be kind and gentle with yourself , small things, have a bath , spend a few extra minutes in the shower, learning to meditate would be of great benefit to you.

I d caution you against being too quick to set up ‘shop’ with the new girl, true some people
use a new relationship to heal wounds of an old one, but it seldom ends well. Self care in this situation would be to recognise that perhaps you aren’t ready to move on to something new yet and instead of rushing into another relationship to numb out the old one some time to let yourself heal would be the wise.

The dark days really can seem never ending at times, and you won’t suddenly step into the light and feel fine but it does get easier with time and at some point it just won’t hurt like it does now.




antspants

2,401 posts

174 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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This is something I never imagined myself talking about but it looks like the writing is on the wall for my marriage. No outside parties involved (as far as I'm aware) we have simply grown apart over the last 2 years and are existing together in the same house with a child probably seeming to the outside like a great family. And where my son is concerned we are, we don't argue but neither do we communicate particularly well either.
I raised the subject before heading off to work this morning and the wife agreed it's not working so we're sitting down to talk about it tonight. But tbh her body language gave the impression she's given up.
We've been together over 20 years, married for 12, and it was great for a lot of that, I couldn't ask for anybody better. But we've slowly drifted apart and I think it's gone on for too long to easily fix.
I think tonight's conversation may be the nail in the coffin, therefore I'm already thinking about what I need to do. So looking for some advice from those who've already been through this.
Has counselling worked for anybody on here when two people get to this point?
I have no animosity towards her and I think the feeling is mutual, and want to ensure all 3 of us walk away from this with as little acrimony as possible. Possibly a naive outlook though.

Eric Mc

121,769 posts

264 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Who else have you spoken to about this?

Have you tried assessing whether the marriage is worth saving?

If it isn't, why isn't it?

Is this your decision?

Are you suffering from "I've reached a certain age and am now panicking that I haven't bedded all the ladies I feel I could have - and time is running out" syndrome?

Robertj21a

16,475 posts

104 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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antspants said:
This is something I never imagined myself talking about but it looks like the writing is on the wall for my marriage. No outside parties involved (as far as I'm aware) we have simply grown apart over the last 2 years and are existing together in the same house with a child probably seeming to the outside like a great family. And where my son is concerned we are, we don't argue but neither do we communicate particularly well either.
I raised the subject before heading off to work this morning and the wife agreed it's not working so we're sitting down to talk about it tonight. But tbh her body language gave the impression she's given up.
We've been together over 20 years, married for 12, and it was great for a lot of that, I couldn't ask for anybody better. But we've slowly drifted apart and I think it's gone on for too long to easily fix.
I think tonight's conversation may be the nail in the coffin, therefore I'm already thinking about what I need to do. So looking for some advice from those who've already been through this.
Has counselling worked for anybody on here when two people get to this point?
I have no animosity towards her and I think the feeling is mutual, and want to ensure all 3 of us walk away from this with as little acrimony as possible. Possibly a naive outlook though.
Not necessarily naive at all, everybody is different and you may be able to sort all the issues out fairly amicably. Some find counselling helps so that each of you can outline your personal concerns through a 3rd party, but it doesn't suit everyone.
Whatever you do, avoid arguments and make sure that you'll both attempt to consider your son at all times. Try to stay above any ranting or shouting, appear calm (even if you're not).
Some/many women tend to go a little crazy at this stage and become like a different person entirely. Try to not make matters worse !
Finally, just have a preliminary thought about finances, joint bank accounts, your future roof over your head etc.
All the best.

Henners

12,230 posts

193 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Robertj21a said:
Not necessarily naive at all, everybody is different and you may be able to sort all the issues out fairly amicably. Some find counselling helps so that each of you can outline your personal concerns through a 3rd party, but it doesn't suit everyone.
Whatever you do, avoid arguments and make sure that you'll both attempt to consider your son at all times. Try to stay above any ranting or shouting, appear calm (even if you're not).
Some good, helpful points here.

A friend recently went through the same - they ended up splitting but on amicable terms, they'd just drifted and wanted different things now.

They did have the chat about devoting more time to the marriage / each other - after so many years it's sad to break it of without exploring all avenues to fix it.

Although, if she wants a life of beige and you want to keep it exciting then it can be difficult. No one likes boring beige wink

Good luck.

antspants

2,401 posts

174 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Eric,
Just answering the last question first, no. I've always been faithful and the thought of anybody else doesn't appeal tbh.
Is it worth rescuing, yes. We've had some great times over the years but it just feels like it's slowly died a death and we've failed to do anything about it until it's too late.
And that's without considering my son, because he's obviously an important part of this. However neither of us are the type of people to stay together in a failed marriage and be miserable for the next 10 years.
Without wishing to sound defeatist about something so important, i think anything we agree to do tonight to try and fix it will just be a temporary sticking plaster.
However I do tend to be a bit black and white about things so maybe I'm giving up too quickly without exhausting all avenues.
Every marriage goes through ups and downs, and we're no different. But we've talked it through previously and got back on track.
But when I raised it this morning, she looked and sounded indifferent and I think I feel the same.

Eric Mc

121,769 posts

264 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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antspants said:
Eric,
Just answering the last question first, no. I've always been faithful and the thought of anybody else doesn't appeal tbh.
Is it worth rescuing, yes. We've had some great times over the years but it just feels like it's slowly died a death and we've failed to do anything about it until it's too late.
And that's without considering my son, because he's obviously an important part of this. However neither of us are the type of people to stay together in a failed marriage and be miserable for the next 10 years.
Without wishing to sound defeatist about something so important, i think anything we agree to do tonight to try and fix it will just be a temporary sticking plaster.
However I do tend to be a bit black and white about things so maybe I'm giving up too quickly without exhausting all avenues.
Every marriage goes through ups and downs, and we're no different. But we've talked it through previously and got back on track.
But when I raised it this morning, she looked and sounded indifferent and I think I feel the same.
What specifically makes you think it is "too late"? What criteria are you using to arrive at that conclusion? Has your wife come to the same conclusion or are you applying to her your feelings?

Have you sought any sort of outside help?

Are you interested in saving the marriage?

So far, everything seems to be saying that you seem to have just got bored with each other (according you your version of the story).

Edited by Eric Mc on Friday 17th August 09:56

Adam B

27,142 posts

253 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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D-Angle

Crazy to move in with new lady after less than 6 months, why haven’t you extracted yourself from house yet?

Sell up or buy out
Move on mentally
Then wait a bit more
Then decide on next steps and relationship
Then wait a bit more

This may not fit in with new lady’s plans or wishes but you are both unwise to rush things

bristolracer

5,527 posts

148 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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antspants said:
Eric,
Just answering the last question first, no. I've always been faithful and the thought of anybody else doesn't appeal tbh.
Is it worth rescuing, yes. We've had some great times over the years but it just feels like it's slowly died a death and we've failed to do anything about it until it's too late.
And that's without considering my son, because he's obviously an important part of this. However neither of us are the type of people to stay together in a failed marriage and be miserable for the next 10 years.
Without wishing to sound defeatist about something so important, i think anything we agree to do tonight to try and fix it will just be a temporary sticking plaster.
However I do tend to be a bit black and white about things so maybe I'm giving up too quickly without exhausting all avenues.
Every marriage goes through ups and downs, and we're no different. But we've talked it through previously and got back on track.
But when I raised it this morning, she looked and sounded indifferent and I think I feel the same.
It may be worth trying marriage guidance or counselling.
Some friends of ours have had some serious problems, including some infidelity but appear to be making some progress using counselling.
Sounds to me like you are both in a rut, living as companions rather than partners.
Sometimes you cannot sort these things by yourselves,you need a third party to come and focus your thoughts.

If nothing else for the sake of the boy give it a go,nothing to be lost,and if it doesnt work out you can at least be clearer that you both made the right decision.
Good luck

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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One of the biggest issues for most people is having to run two households on the money that had been previously been used to run one household. Obviously this problem doesn't exist if you are earning a lot of money, but for the majority of people it is going to be a serious issue.

If there are children involved the wife usually stays in the house and the husband either moves in with his parents or rents a flat. The issue for most men in this situation is that the wife doesn't earn enough to take on the mortgage solely in her name and the husband cannot get another mortgage all the time he is on the mortgage for the marital home.

So the husband ends up with his parents or renting a cheap flat while it appears his wife is living the life of Riley. No matter how amicable you thought it would be you will end up continually fighting over money. The wife will make out you are not giving her enough and the husband will argue he is giving too much as he can barely afford to live.

Oh and nothing gets you ready for the first time you drive up to the house you are paying for to see her new boyfriends car on the drive and him sitting on your sofa while you are living with your parents.

Antspants, for women when it gets to this point they have already checked out emotionally so will deal with the whole thing cold and clinically. I hope I am wrong but I think she will have already made up her mind and knows exactly what she wants to do next.





Edited by anonymous-user on Friday 17th August 12:35

Gargamel

14,957 posts

260 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Joey Deacon said:
One of the biggest issues for most people is having to run two households on the money that had been previously been used to run one household. Obviously this problem doesn't exist if you are earning a lot of money, but for the majority of people it is going to be a serious issue.

If there are children involved the wife usually stays in the house and the husband either moves in with his parents or rents a flat. The issue for most men in this situation is that the wife doesn't earn enough to take on the mortgage solely in her name and the husband cannot get another mortgage all the time he is on the mortgage for the marital home.

So the husband ends up with his parents or renting a cheap flat while it appears his wife is living the life of Riley. No matter how amicable you thought it would be you will end up continually fighting over money. The wife will make out you are not giving her enough and the husband will argue he is giving too much as he can barely afford to live.

Oh and nothing gets you ready for the first time you drive up to the house you are paying for to see her new boyfriends car on the drive and him sitting on your sofa while you are living with your parents.
Indeed, many a true word spoken. What was worse for me, was that in order to stay close to the kids, I moved locally into a two bed flat. However with three kids, having them round to stay was a logistical problem. They all missed their (separate) bedrooms, computers, home comforts and as you say trying to run two similar standard households is financially impossible. after a few months they were really not keen to come over. (Could I persuade my ex to sleep in the crappy flat a few nights whilst I had the kids... what do you think ! )

I admit I took an easy out and moved to another country. Tough to do, but I couldn't handle viewing my " old " life from a mile up the road. It was driving me crazy. Now I have a great place, and the kids love coming over here.

cootuk

918 posts

122 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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You have to live somewhere that makes you feel good. Don't settle for a dingy flat on a tight budget.
The government "rent a room" scheme is quite good in that householders with spare rooms can rent out without becoming fulltime landlords.
I've moved into a decent house in a good area with a great view. Something I could never do trying to finance a whole flat to myself, and my "landlady" uses the rent to go on holiday more. So I quite often end up with the place to myself.

Get hobbies. Make new friends. Take time to keep your kids in your life. Pay your maintenance.
Be respectful to your ex so they have nothing to use against you, but don't pander to their needs.

It's been 2 years for me now, I'm happier than ever.
Another 3 years and I can file for an uncontested divorce.
Happy days.


anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Gargamel said:
Indeed, many a true word spoken. What was worse for me, was that in order to stay close to the kids, I moved locally into a two bed flat. However with three kids, having them round to stay was a logistical problem. They all missed their (separate) bedrooms, computers, home comforts and as you say trying to run two similar standard households is financially impossible. after a few months they were really not keen to come over. (Could I persuade my ex to sleep in the crappy flat a few nights whilst I had the kids... what do you think ! )

I admit I took an easy out and moved to another country. Tough to do, but I couldn't handle viewing my " old " life from a mile up the road. It was driving me crazy. Now I have a great place, and the kids love coming over here.
Could have almost been written by me, I moved in with my parents and obviously the children didn't really want to sleep over either after a few months. I did the same as you, worked abroad for a few years as I just couldn't handle someone else coming in and just taking over my whole life as if I never existed.

For me the actual divorce was unimportant, it wasn't until the finances were settled that I felt I could move on with my life. Luckily she remarried and the new husband did the right thing and bought me out of my share of the house and took over the mortgage. five years on my life is great, bought my own house and love being financially independent (minus the remaining 8 years of child maintenance! wink )


antspants

2,401 posts

174 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Cheers for the advice, very helpful. I've concluded over that couple of hours that we at least need to try counselling. For the sake of our son and the fact we've invested 20 years of our lives to each other, can't just throw that away without trying.
Let's see if she feels the same tonight, although the comment about women having already checked out emotionally by this point is exactly how she came across this morning.

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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cootuk said:
You have to live somewhere that makes you feel good. Don't settle for a dingy flat on a tight budget.
The government "rent a room" scheme is quite good in that householders with spare rooms can rent out without becoming fulltime landlords.
I've moved into a decent house in a good area with a great view. Something I could never do trying to finance a whole flat to myself, and my "landlady" uses the rent to go on holiday more. So I quite often end up with the place to myself.

Get hobbies. Make new friends. Take time to keep your kids in your life. Pay your maintenance.
Be respectful to your ex so they have nothing to use against you, but don't pander to their needs.

It's been 2 years for me now, I'm happier than ever.
Another 3 years and I can file for an uncontested divorce.
Happy days.
Obviously I don't know your situation but I am assuming your wife is living in the marital home and you are renting a room. This isn't ment as a slur against you, but most men would be very angry with the fact that they have worked their whole life and have ended up renting a room while the wife has the whole house to herself.

May I ask why you are waiting 5 years for an uncontested divorce? I would personally divorce her now on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour rather than waiting another 3 years. I think not living in the same property is grounds enough for unreasonable behaviour before you even go into the lack of sex and emotional support.

Have you got your finances sorted out? The problem with just leaving it is the longer you leave it the worse position you will be in financially and the less working years you will have to get it back.

Glad you are happy but I wouldn't want you to wait another three years thinking it will all be OK and find out you wasted those three years and you will be worse off.



Gargamel

14,957 posts

260 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Joey Deacon said:
Have you got your finances sorted out? The problem with just leaving it is the longer you leave it the worse position you will be in financially and the less working years you will have to get it back.
That is very situational, you can use the time period to establish a level of maintenance or some agreements which you can then use in the actual financial split (i.e.it will be hard to argue for spousal maintenance if none has been paid for five years)

On the other hand, if she is coming after your pension, then waiting five more years is crazy. In some ways it is better to be the petitioner in a divorce.


cootuk

918 posts

122 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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Joey Deacon said:
Obviously I don't know your situation but I am assuming your wife is living in the marital home and you are renting a room. This isn't ment as a slur against you, but most men would be very angry with the fact that they have worked their whole life and have ended up renting a room while the wife has the whole house to herself.

May I ask why you are waiting 5 years for an uncontested divorce? I would personally divorce her now on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour rather than waiting another 3 years. I think not living in the same property is grounds enough for unreasonable behaviour before you even go into the lack of sex and emotional support.

Have you got your finances sorted out? The problem with just leaving it is the longer you leave it the worse position you will be in financially and the less working years you will have to get it back.

Glad you are happy but I wouldn't want you to wait another three years thinking it will all be OK and find out you wasted those three years and you will be worse off.
She is in the marital home, and I am paying half the affordable mortgage. Neither of us can buy the other out, and, should i die, my half will go to my daughter not her.
My pension is defined contribution, five years makes some difference to the valuation, though she is due her part as is her right.
My ex has made it quite clear that should I petition for divorce within 5 years, she will fight it tooth and nail.
It's an easy way for them to get some vengeance, though not healthy.

The secret is not to let the b@stards grind you down.
No amount of a low level of money can make up for a miserable life.
We each find a way to move forward. For some it's a quick amicable split, for others it's what appears to be a grind, but one that can get easier once you mentally adjust to the new situation.

Edited by cootuk on Friday 17th August 13:47

GT03ROB

13,207 posts

220 months

Friday 17th August 2018
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cootuk said:
My ex has made it quite clear that should I petition for divorce within 5 years, she will fight it tooth and nail.
She'll do that anyway, if she's talking like that what incentive is there for her not to?