Being told " I don't love you anymore"

Being told " I don't love you anymore"

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Discussion

anonymous-user

53 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
olly22n said:
as long as the financials are in order then just divorce her, theres not a lot she can argue with if you're not even living together!
Totally agree, I don't understand why she wouldn't want to be divorced from you anyway.

Gargamel

14,958 posts

260 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
zubzob said:
Some comments upthread along lines of 'be grateful you don't have kids' seem to jar with other comments such as 'the divorce was hell, but at least I have the kids in my life'.
I think you misunderstand the sentiment vs practicalities.

Leaving my kids behind is one of the hardest things I have ever done, I am still not really dealing with it well and its been more than two years. My little boy cries every time he has to go back. \

So when I say be grateful you don't have kids its because, it means you don't have to suffer that, and it makes a clean financial break more likely. No ongoing maintenance, and no likelihood of spousal payments either.

On the other hand when I look back at my 16 year marriage and wonder what I have to show for it. I can look at my lovely three kids and be able to say honestly that I don't regret being married, because I got them.

Kids complicate divorces by a factor of 1000x. Its a good spot, we probably don't say enough, but I am STILL glad I had them

cootuk

918 posts

122 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
Within 5 years they can be as obstructive as they like during divorce proceedings.
After 5 years there's no argument as it's just rubber stamped, and it's solely a case of dividing assets (which will be Court approved).
I am trying to add quite a bit of adultery into the equation should she want to divorce before the 5 years are up ;-)


theboss

6,879 posts

218 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
Waiting another 3 years is madness - just petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour as has been suggested. You can always cite the fact that she has had sexual relationships with other men, which you find intolerable, as examples of her unreasonable behaviour. This isn't the same as petitioning on the grounds of adultery, which requires her admission or some form of evidence (God only knows what would suffice).

The problem with waiting another 3 years is that your life just stays on hold in that time, whilst you delay the inevitable. If you happen to gain some sort of unexpected windfall like an inheritance then she will also have a claim. The sooner you completely separate yourselves the sooner you can both move on.

ETA sorry think I just realised you meant you are the one committing loads of adultery meanwhile smile

Edited by theboss on Friday 17th August 14:27

singlecoil

33,317 posts

245 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
zubzob said:
Some comments upthread along lines of 'be grateful you don't have kids' seem to jar with other comments such as 'the divorce was hell, but at least I have the kids in my life'.


Ignore comments from people who already have children. Mother Nature has ensured that they will always have the "I love my children' thing and it's a good job she did that. It does mean though that they are not in a position to advise people who don't have children.

croyde

22,709 posts

229 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
cootuk said:
You have to live somewhere that makes you feel good. Don't settle for a dingy flat on a tight budget.
The government "rent a room" scheme is quite good in that householders with spare rooms can rent out without becoming fulltime landlords.
I've moved into a decent house in a good area with a great view. Something I could never do trying to finance a whole flat to myself, and my "landlady" uses the rent to go on holiday more. So I quite often end up with the place to myself.

Get hobbies. Make new friends. Take time to keep your kids in your life. Pay your maintenance.
Be respectful to your ex so they have nothing to use against you, but don't pander to their needs.

It's been 2 years for me now, I'm happier than ever.
Another 3 years and I can file for an uncontested divorce.
Happy days.
After splitting with my wife but due to finances then her health we still lived in the same house for 5 years. I finally left to rent a flat nearby. Work was good so money was fine and after a year I finally fled London to live in the countryside.

Always made time to go and see my 3 kids or for them to come and stay with me.

Met a wonderful woman nearby and everything was dandy..........but..

My ex wife's alcoholism got worse and she couldn't handle one of our sons. A moody teen now 6'5".

My wonderful new lady suddenly adopted a 5 year old boy with issues as many looked after children have (long story) and suddenly I was expected by her to be a father to this child.

Meanwhile things were getting worse at home and my money was getting tight. I moved to a flat near my kids and spent petrol money heading back to countryside to spend pretty boring time with my lady and her new son.

Finally a few weeks ago she said that unless I became part of her life properly we could no longer go on.

Funny, as I said that we should part when she first adopted but she wasn't having it despite me saying what will happen which actually did happen.

So lost girlfriend and with so little money coming in my rent was harder to find, and both boys being troublesome and refusing to stay with me.

So in a couple of weeks I'm moving back into a room in my house with my ex and her boyfriend and my kids.

As the young say FML.

g3org3y

20,606 posts

190 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
croyde said:
So in a couple of weeks I'm moving back into a room in my house with my ex and her boyfriend and my kids.

As the young say FML.
frown That's some fked up st. Hope you can get out of there ASAP.

CastroSays

182 posts

75 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
g3org3y said:
croyde said:
So in a couple of weeks I'm moving back into a room in my house with my ex and her boyfriend and my kids.

As the young say FML.
frown That's some fked up st. Hope you can get out of there ASAP.
+1

Croyde - please don't do that!!
Maybe you need to start thinking about No.1 and just leave them all to get on with it.....

BrabusMog

20,083 posts

185 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
CastroSays said:
g3org3y said:
croyde said:
So in a couple of weeks I'm moving back into a room in my house with my ex and her boyfriend and my kids.

As the young say FML.
frown That's some fked up st. Hope you can get out of there ASAP.
+1

Croyde - please don't do that!!
Maybe you need to start thinking about No.1 and just leave them all to get on with it.....
I have read a number of your previous posts, Croyde, and I'm not one of the "she'll take you to the cleaners / snakes with tits" brigade but you really need to think about yourself here. You're not solely responsible for how your son acts and definitely not at all for your exes alcoholism. It sounds like they think they can just take the piss out of you.

grumbledoak

31,504 posts

232 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
CastroSays said:
+1

Croyde - please don't do that!!
Maybe you need to start thinking about No.1 and just leave them all to get on with it.....
+2.

croyde - find another way.

Lotus Notes

1,197 posts

190 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
kapiteinlangzaam said:
What a mixture of emotions. blah. Travelling to the UK tomorrow to tell family. Gonna be lovely. Not.
You might be surprised at how they already know something is not quite right. Most families are supportive of their own.
Arrange a beer with an old mate, you can't be judged and beer in moderation helps...A one off is perfectly acceptable.

Budflicker

3,799 posts

183 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
croyde said:
After splitting with my wife but due to finances then her health we still lived in the same house for 5 years. I finally left to rent a flat nearby. Work was good so money was fine and after a year I finally fled London to live in the countryside.

Always made time to go and see my 3 kids or for them to come and stay with me.

Met a wonderful woman nearby and everything was dandy..........but..

My ex wife's alcoholism got worse and she couldn't handle one of our sons. A moody teen now 6'5".

My wonderful new lady suddenly adopted a 5 year old boy with issues as many looked after children have (long story) and suddenly I was expected by her to be a father to this child.

Meanwhile things were getting worse at home and my money was getting tight. I moved to a flat near my kids and spent petrol money heading back to countryside to spend pretty boring time with my lady and her new son.

Finally a few weeks ago she said that unless I became part of her life properly we could no longer go on.

Funny, as I said that we should part when she first adopted but she wasn't having it despite me saying what will happen which actually did happen.

So lost girlfriend and with so little money coming in my rent was harder to find, and both boys being troublesome and refusing to stay with me.

So in a couple of weeks I'm moving back into a room in my house with my ex and her boyfriend and my kids.

As the young say FML.
Feck me , I feel better about my life already....

Your better than anti depressants

Disco_Biscuit

837 posts

193 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
croyde said:
After splitting with my wife but due to finances then her health we still lived in the same house for 5 years. I finally left to rent a flat nearby. Work was good so money was fine and after a year I finally fled London to live in the countryside.

Always made time to go and see my 3 kids or for them to come and stay with me.

Met a wonderful woman nearby and everything was dandy..........but..

My ex wife's alcoholism got worse and she couldn't handle one of our sons. A moody teen now 6'5".

My wonderful new lady suddenly adopted a 5 year old boy with issues as many looked after children have (long story) and suddenly I was expected by her to be a father to this child.

Meanwhile things were getting worse at home and my money was getting tight. I moved to a flat near my kids and spent petrol money heading back to countryside to spend pretty boring time with my lady and her new son.

Finally a few weeks ago she said that unless I became part of her life properly we could no longer go on.

Funny, as I said that we should part when she first adopted but she wasn't having it despite me saying what will happen which actually did happen.

So lost girlfriend and with so little money coming in my rent was harder to find, and both boys being troublesome and refusing to stay with me.

So in a couple of weeks I'm moving back into a room in my house with my ex and her boyfriend and my kids.

As the young say FML.
Christ I'd rather sleep in a tent in a grave yard than have to hear my ex misses being pounded by her lastest fella in the next room!



johnwilliams77

8,308 posts

102 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
Disco_Biscuit said:
Christ I'd rather sleep in a tent in a grave yard than have to hear my ex misses being pounded by her lastest fella in the next room!
Good wk material hehe

classicaholic

1,689 posts

69 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
johnwilliams77 said:
Good wk material hehe
On the bright side, you can probably go to the pub with him and watch the footie and you DONT have to do it with the ex!

antspants

2,401 posts

174 months

Friday 17th August 2018
quotequote all
Well that was a wierd conversation but stupidly the most we've talked in a long time.
She point blank refused the counselling suggestion as a crock of st. "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune" smile
We've probably laughed more together in the last 2 hours than we have in 12 months.
Both in agreement that it's the old cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I think we've just stopped talking and ended up living separate lives in the same house.
But, we're going to try and resolve it slowly just by talking. Both agree that we can't change overnight and that actually neither of us have done anything we can put our fingers on that have caused this.
We don't want to start trying to change each other or forcing it by doing stuff that will feel awkward, just need to start communicating and spending more time with each other.
Will it work, neither of us knows, but we'll at least give it a try.
Have agreed that if it doesn't then we part amicably for ourselves and our son. That was the strange part, we sat and discussed that sensibly. No arguments and no tears, which makes me think we may just have left it too long to have this conversation. Hopefully not, and at least we've done it before one of us just called time.
It's been 20 years, most of them happy and we have a beautiful 12 year old boy, neither of us want to give that up without a struggle but in her words we are at rock bottom.

ETA - I hope people don't mind me sharing on here, as some of you are clearly in much sttier situations than me. But we're not talking to our friends about any of this, it's our business and we don't want people gossiping about it. If it all gets sorted or even while we're trying to resolve it, the last thing we want is somebody saying the wrong thing in front of our son. So it's therapeutic to type it out on here, makes my thinking a bit clearer. And tbh 1st thing this morning when I was angry, I was ready to throw in the towel until I read a couple of replies, so I'm glad I didn't, thank you!

Edited by antspants on Friday 17th August 23:07

hyphen

26,262 posts

89 months

Saturday 18th August 2018
quotequote all
Disco_Biscuit said:
Christ I'd rather sleep in a tent in a grave yard than have to hear my ex misses being pounded by her lastest fella in the next room!
yes croyde, even if you have no feelings anymore. It's far too weird.

Rent the tiniest boxroom in the worst part of town before you move in with your ex and her fella. eek

Gargamel

14,958 posts

260 months

Saturday 18th August 2018
quotequote all
Paddy_N_Murphy said:
I sense a PH crowd fund for a Croyde-crash-pad or if you’re really lucky - Some fancy PH’er with a fancy Garage Loft apartment will offer up !
Spare room in Switzerland ...

I couldn’t do it, too strange, but it takes all sort.

Can someone younger than me tell me what FML is ?

BrabusMog

20,083 posts

185 months

Saturday 18th August 2018
quotequote all
fk
My
Life

croyde

22,709 posts

229 months

Saturday 18th August 2018
quotequote all
Thanks for the concern guys, and the offer of the room in Switzerland. Cheers.

I must say that she and boyfriend are no longer an item. Look at it as a sort of commune lol.

I'm not happy about it but it means I don't have to worry about work and I'm on site to deal with kids and start getting the house fixed up to sell in a year or so.

Then we'll go our separate ways hopefully with some cash in our pockets.

I'm gutted about my girlfriend though. Big part of my life for 2 years so it's all kinda empty.

Thanks again for your thoughts people.