Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
antspants said:
Well that was a wierd conversation but stupidly the most we've talked in a long time.
She point blank refused the counselling suggestion as a crock of s
t. "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune" 
We've probably laughed more together in the last 2 hours than we have in 12 months.
Both in agreement that it's the old cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I think we've just stopped talking and ended up living separate lives in the same house.
But, we're going to try and resolve it slowly just by talking. Both agree that we can't change overnight and that actually neither of us have done anything we can put our fingers on that have caused this.
We don't want to start trying to change each other or forcing it by doing stuff that will feel awkward, just need to start communicating and spending more time with each other.
Will it work, neither of us knows, but we'll at least give it a try.
Have agreed that if it doesn't then we part amicably for ourselves and our son. That was the strange part, we sat and discussed that sensibly. No arguments and no tears, which makes me think we may just have left it too long to have this conversation. Hopefully not, and at least we've done it before one of us just called time.
It's been 20 years, most of them happy and we have a beautiful 12 year old boy, neither of us want to give that up without a struggle but in her words we are at rock bottom.
ETA - I hope people don't mind me sharing on here, as some of you are clearly in much sttier situations than me. But we're not talking to our friends about any of this, it's our business and we don't want people gossiping about it. If it all gets sorted or even while we're trying to resolve it, the last thing we want is somebody saying the wrong thing in front of our son. So it's therapeutic to type it out on here, makes my thinking a bit clearer. And tbh 1st thing this morning when I was angry, I was ready to throw in the towel until I read a couple of replies, so I'm glad I didn't, thank you!
Well done that man - and the wife for being prepared to talk things through 'sensibly' (unusual !)She point blank refused the counselling suggestion as a crock of s
t. "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune" We've probably laughed more together in the last 2 hours than we have in 12 months.
Both in agreement that it's the old cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I think we've just stopped talking and ended up living separate lives in the same house.
But, we're going to try and resolve it slowly just by talking. Both agree that we can't change overnight and that actually neither of us have done anything we can put our fingers on that have caused this.
We don't want to start trying to change each other or forcing it by doing stuff that will feel awkward, just need to start communicating and spending more time with each other.
Will it work, neither of us knows, but we'll at least give it a try.
Have agreed that if it doesn't then we part amicably for ourselves and our son. That was the strange part, we sat and discussed that sensibly. No arguments and no tears, which makes me think we may just have left it too long to have this conversation. Hopefully not, and at least we've done it before one of us just called time.
It's been 20 years, most of them happy and we have a beautiful 12 year old boy, neither of us want to give that up without a struggle but in her words we are at rock bottom.
ETA - I hope people don't mind me sharing on here, as some of you are clearly in much s
ttier situations than me. But we're not talking to our friends about any of this, it's our business and we don't want people gossiping about it. If it all gets sorted or even while we're trying to resolve it, the last thing we want is somebody saying the wrong thing in front of our son. So it's therapeutic to type it out on here, makes my thinking a bit clearer. And tbh 1st thing this morning when I was angry, I was ready to throw in the towel until I read a couple of replies, so I'm glad I didn't, thank you! Edited by antspants on Friday 17th August 23:07
It's because we are all anonymous on a forum like this that we can talk more openly than we would to friends or relatives. I've certainly learnt a lot over the years, have tried to contribute where possible, and appreciate that there will be a good range of views, from a good range of people from different backgrounds. I agree that it can be very therapeutic.
I hope you both succeed, but even if you don't then at least you'll know that you tried.
antspants said:
ETA - I hope people don't mind me sharing on here, as some of you are clearly in much s
ttier situations than me. But we're not talking to our friends about any of this, it's our business and we don't want people gossiping about it. If it all gets sorted or even while we're trying to resolve it, the last thing we want is somebody saying the wrong thing in front of our son. Edited by antspants on Friday 17th August 23:07
Assuming your profile isn't made up.
Edited by Monkeylegend on Saturday 18th August 08:30
I only have one mate who uses PH and not sure he frequents the forums that much. And out of everybody he's the one person I would talk to about this, safe in the knowledge it wouldn't go any further nor make a daft comment in the wrong circumstances.
But I appreciate the advice it wasn't something I'd considered.
But I appreciate the advice it wasn't something I'd considered.
croyde said:
I must say that she and boyfriend are no longer an item. Look at it as a sort of commune lol.
How long were they together? And why isn't he wanting to leave.Not sure if you have said, but is it partly your house or owned/rented by your ex alone.
How is her alcoholism now?
antspants said:
Well that was a wierd conversation but stupidly the most we've talked in a long time.
She point blank refused the counselling suggestion as a crock of st. "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune"
We've probably laughed more together in the last 2 hours than we have in 12 months.
Both in agreement that it's the old cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I think we've just stopped talking and ended up living separate lives in the same house.
But, we're going to try and resolve it slowly just by talking. Both agree that we can't change overnight and that actually neither of us have done anything we can put our fingers on that have caused this.
We don't want to start trying to change each other or forcing it by doing stuff that will feel awkward, just need to start communicating and spending more time with each other.
Will it work, neither of us knows, but we'll at least give it a try.
Have agreed that if it doesn't then we part amicably for ourselves and our son. That was the strange part, we sat and discussed that sensibly. No arguments and no tears, which makes me think we may just have left it too long to have this conversation. Hopefully not, and at least we've done it before one of us just called time.
It's been 20 years, most of them happy and we have a beautiful 12 year old boy, neither of us want to give that up without a struggle but in her words we are at rock bottom.
ETA - I hope people don't mind me sharing on here, as some of you are clearly in much sttier situations than me. But we're not talking to our friends about any of this, it's our business and we don't want people gossiping about it. If it all gets sorted or even while we're trying to resolve it, the last thing we want is somebody saying the wrong thing in front of our son. So it's therapeutic to type it out on here, makes my thinking a bit clearer. And tbh 1st thing this morning when I was angry, I was ready to throw in the towel until I read a couple of replies, so I'm glad I didn't, thank you!
When you say less separate lives, how interesting is your life? Are you out and about, hobbies and what not.She point blank refused the counselling suggestion as a crock of s
t. "I don't need to sit and list all the things you do that piss me off, it will cost a fortune" We've probably laughed more together in the last 2 hours than we have in 12 months.
Both in agreement that it's the old cliche "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I think we've just stopped talking and ended up living separate lives in the same house.
But, we're going to try and resolve it slowly just by talking. Both agree that we can't change overnight and that actually neither of us have done anything we can put our fingers on that have caused this.
We don't want to start trying to change each other or forcing it by doing stuff that will feel awkward, just need to start communicating and spending more time with each other.
Will it work, neither of us knows, but we'll at least give it a try.
Have agreed that if it doesn't then we part amicably for ourselves and our son. That was the strange part, we sat and discussed that sensibly. No arguments and no tears, which makes me think we may just have left it too long to have this conversation. Hopefully not, and at least we've done it before one of us just called time.
It's been 20 years, most of them happy and we have a beautiful 12 year old boy, neither of us want to give that up without a struggle but in her words we are at rock bottom.
ETA - I hope people don't mind me sharing on here, as some of you are clearly in much s
ttier situations than me. But we're not talking to our friends about any of this, it's our business and we don't want people gossiping about it. If it all gets sorted or even while we're trying to resolve it, the last thing we want is somebody saying the wrong thing in front of our son. So it's therapeutic to type it out on here, makes my thinking a bit clearer. And tbh 1st thing this morning when I was angry, I was ready to throw in the towel until I read a couple of replies, so I'm glad I didn't, thank you! Edited by antspants on Friday 17th August 23:07
As normally if she doesn't love you anymore, it will be due to boredom. Is she sees you are confident and happy as you are that will be more attractive than if your coming home from work and watching telly and eating junk food.
Don't worry about telling friends, you would be surprised how many of them are probably 'existing', loads of couples out there who don't like the risk of change so stay put.
Good that your son is 12 rather than 2! Least he has had a childhood with both of you and will be old enough to understand if you do split in a few years.
Good luck.
hyphen said:
When you say less separate lives, how interesting is your life? Are you out and about, hobbies and what not.
As normally if she doesn't love you anymore, it will be due to boredom.
Its an interesting point and one we discussed last night. Probably as a lot of parents do we've put our son first for many years, now he's a bit older and becoming more independent we haven't then reinvested that time and space in each other. As normally if she doesn't love you anymore, it will be due to boredom.
We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort.
The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix.
But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
antspants said:
hyphen said:
When you say less separate lives, how interesting is your life? Are you out and about, hobbies and what not.
As normally if she doesn't love you anymore, it will be due to boredom.
Its an interesting point and one we discussed last night. Probably as a lot of parents do we've put our son first for many years, now he's a bit older and becoming more independent we haven't then reinvested that time and space in each other. As normally if she doesn't love you anymore, it will be due to boredom.
We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort.
The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix.
But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
antspants said:
Its an interesting point and one we discussed last night. Probably as a lot of parents do we've put our son first for many years, now he's a bit older and becoming more independent we haven't then reinvested that time and space in each other.
We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort.
The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix.
But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
The fact that you are both open to talking about it and trying to fix it gives me some optimism that you can sort this out. It's obvious both of you would like to, deep down, otherwise one of you would have upped and offed by now.We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort.
The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix.
But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
zarjaz1991 said:
The fact that you are both open to talking about it and trying to fix it gives me some optimism that you can sort this out. It's obvious both of you would like to, deep down, otherwise one of you would have upped and offed by now.
True. My only concern is when the female has decided that she's had enough it seems quite rare for them to make a real effort. For some reason, men seem to then be more committed (probably got far more to lose !!)zarjaz1991 said:
The fact that you are both open to talking about it and trying to fix it gives me some optimism that you can sort this out. It's obvious both of you would like to, deep down, otherwise one of you would have upped and offed by now.
Yes, but ‘sort this out’ sometimes is to split up amicably. For some it is the best option for both parties. antspants said:
We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort. The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix. But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
The same thing happened in my 1st marriage, but we didn't talk about it. Eventually the tension gets too much so one party clears off. Talking can break the tension. It may not work out even with talking, but it definitely won't if you don't talk.It's easy to forget the fun things you used to do which made you enjoy each others company. You need to rediscover those things or find new common interests other than kids. It's not easy to fix & maybe you do want different things now & maybe there is no common ground. I hope for you there is however.
antspants said:
cootuk said:
Women with kids know they will get financial support from the State and possibly their ex partner too. Men without kids get eff all. There is a big incentive for the man to try to make things work out.
This isn't a financial decision to try and resolve things. randlemarcus said:
antspants said:
cootuk said:
Women with kids know they will get financial support from the State and possibly their ex partner too. Men without kids get eff all. There is a big incentive for the man to try to make things work out.
This isn't a financial decision to try and resolve things. 
It might not be financial now but rest assured if you do decide to go your separate ways it will very quickly become so, despite anything you might have thought you had agreed.
Monkeylegend said:
randlemarcus said:
antspants said:
cootuk said:
Women with kids know they will get financial support from the State and possibly their ex partner too. Men without kids get eff all. There is a big incentive for the man to try to make things work out.
This isn't a financial decision to try and resolve things. It might not be financial now but rest assured if you do decide to go your separate ways it will very quickly become so, despite anything you might have thought you had agreed.
Many do actually have decent jobs, even if paid a little less and don't want to give them up.
antspants said:
Its an interesting point and one we discussed last night. Probably as a lot of parents do we've put our son first for many years, now he's a bit older and becoming more independent we haven't then reinvested that time and space in each other.
We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort.
The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix.
But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
Is one harbouring a grudge over some prior incident? Has one become less attractive, such as put on weight, become more lazy, dressing scruffier.We just need to try and engage with each other more. We don't talk that much, we sit in separate rooms to watch different tv, we've become separate and selfish, making no effort.
The fact we both feel exactly the same makes it easier to discuss sensibly, but not necessarily easier to fix.
But at least we're both now being honest rather than just existing. This situation affects your whole life, we've both been miserable for a while but just putting a brave face on or most likely just ignoring it wondering if it's just you that feels that way.
As watching TV in separate rooms indicates that one really annoys the other. as normally even if you aren't getting along, you should be able to sit on opposite ends of the sofa and face forwards to a TV surely??
Edited by hyphen on Sunday 19th August 09:50
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