Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
The worry for me would be her take on finances - sounds like you’re being conditioned to pay more than your fair share. And the more often you do it, the more conditioning is going in that you can afford it.
Always best to settle things amicably, but if the trust and cooperation of a partnership is not there (and it doesn’t seem to be) then get a free preliminary meeting with a solicitor immediately. You need to draw some hard lines, even just for the interim. Her not paying half the bills is a major red flag. The rest is just the mental talking - if she wants to be a dick in front of your kid, let her and keep taking the moral high ground.
And good luck. It feels tough, but you’ll survive and come out the other side better and wiser.
Always best to settle things amicably, but if the trust and cooperation of a partnership is not there (and it doesn’t seem to be) then get a free preliminary meeting with a solicitor immediately. You need to draw some hard lines, even just for the interim. Her not paying half the bills is a major red flag. The rest is just the mental talking - if she wants to be a dick in front of your kid, let her and keep taking the moral high ground.
And good luck. It feels tough, but you’ll survive and come out the other side better and wiser.
techiedave said:
She seems to use you and you seem to have become being used to being used.
Sorry to say it
Very much this. I was also there, it took me the thick end of 3 years of being separated to break the cycle of her controlling me. 2 years of that was acceptance that it was happening. Sorry to say it
Now I’m in another relationship, only now have I truly realised how badly I was used and abused.
If I’m honest, once I started to stand up for myself, she back off pretty damn quickly. The reason being, from a psychological point of view, was that she could then see the control had gone.
FR, sounds like you’re doing everything you can. Document it, you have the moral high ground at the moment. Remember, emotions are still very raw as this is still quite a fresh situation for you both. She will be emotionally reacting at the moment. Just safeguard the interests of you and your daughter.
And as much as I hate solicitors, I’d let some legal advice ASAP. Doesn’t sound like you’re financially in a strong position, so when the split does come, how will you stand financially living in your own place... plan ahead...
With regard to her capital that would pay off 2/3rds of your mortgage, it’s important that this is factored into your financial settlement.
We often hear of men hiding assets in a divorce settlement - one friend of mine will be writing out a cheque for several million in the next couple of months, having been rumbled for this - but in my experience, women can and do play this game too.
My ex wife fought tooth and nail to have her - significant - personal wealth ring fenced from our financial settlement and used every legal and emotional lever she could think of to achieve it
We often hear of men hiding assets in a divorce settlement - one friend of mine will be writing out a cheque for several million in the next couple of months, having been rumbled for this - but in my experience, women can and do play this game too.
My ex wife fought tooth and nail to have her - significant - personal wealth ring fenced from our financial settlement and used every legal and emotional lever she could think of to achieve it
Funky
1) Take that job , it's important financially you also need the distraction and social element. her control over this does not help you moving forwards especially given her lack of wanting to contribute her half of the costs!
2) i would not be paying over our agreed split of bills (IE the mortgage in this case) - She is viewing that now the relationship is over why should she bother paying bills, it doesn't work like that and a court would agree.
3) I would suggest a joint meeting with a solicitor asap to get things agreed legally NOW. regarding money, child care etc.
Stay strong. theboss shows you can come out the other side smiling and happier. but it will take time
1) Take that job , it's important financially you also need the distraction and social element. her control over this does not help you moving forwards especially given her lack of wanting to contribute her half of the costs!
2) i would not be paying over our agreed split of bills (IE the mortgage in this case) - She is viewing that now the relationship is over why should she bother paying bills, it doesn't work like that and a court would agree.
3) I would suggest a joint meeting with a solicitor asap to get things agreed legally NOW. regarding money, child care etc.
Stay strong. theboss shows you can come out the other side smiling and happier. but it will take time
funkyrobot said:
Post
She's probably blowing her top at you asking for her share of the money because she's so used to covering the bills. Unfortunately maybe a few red headed letters through her door with the title "Overdue" are what she needs.She also said to you she can't wait to split up from you, as you were leaving the hotel. Not when you arrived? She's enjoying mini-breaks and no doubt a lot more at your financial (and mental) expense. As soon as the trip is over and she's had her fill, she starts making comments like that again.
She's probably being particularly nasty as it makes her feel better about herself. You managed to get a full time job? How dare you. She doesn't have one and you'd be earning more money than her, so who the hell do you think you are? Tell her to shove it. You've been bankrolling her by the sounds of it even though she has substantial savings. You need to try and take that job. Not just for yourself, but your daughter.
I had an ex that turned particularly nasty, similarly to your wife with all the comments trying to put your mental health in a downward spiral. She felt like I owed her something. The nastiness eventually makes you feel like the other person is better than you and makes you not want to cross them and in some way, not split. It's loose form of gas-lighting. She went absolutely berserk when I woke up one day after feeling depressed for months and in my head I just had clarity and thought "what's the point of this?" Ended it on the spot and my mood immeasurably improve immediately.
Your situation is entirely different with a child involved, but from a totally impartial third person perspective, you are being mentally and financially manipulated. There's only so long you can cling on. You're conditioned and institutionalised now to appease her.
At some point, you need to decide that enough is enough. And from your post, it seems like that time is here.
I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself, especially your mental health.
xjay1337 said:
Funky
1) Take that job , it's important financially you also need the distraction and social element. her control over this does not help you moving forwards especially given her lack of wanting to contribute her half of the costs!
2) i would not be paying over our agreed split of bills (IE the mortgage in this case) - She is viewing that now the relationship is over why should she bother paying bills, it doesn't work like that and a court would agree.
3) I would suggest a joint meeting with a solicitor asap to get things agreed legally NOW. regarding money, child care etc.
Stay strong. theboss shows you can come out the other side smiling and happier. but it will take time
Thanks. And thanks to Jonno02.1) Take that job , it's important financially you also need the distraction and social element. her control over this does not help you moving forwards especially given her lack of wanting to contribute her half of the costs!
2) i would not be paying over our agreed split of bills (IE the mortgage in this case) - She is viewing that now the relationship is over why should she bother paying bills, it doesn't work like that and a court would agree.
3) I would suggest a joint meeting with a solicitor asap to get things agreed legally NOW. regarding money, child care etc.
Stay strong. theboss shows you can come out the other side smiling and happier. but it will take time
In relation to 1. How can I though? She has said she won't help with childcare. I can't do that to my daughter. I think I just need to keep the current job until this mess is all sorted.
Things I learnt .... pay attention this was hard won wisdom
1. Don’t get blamed, in any divorce things will be worse than when you were together, harder, more expensive etc - Don’t get blamed for it, its just facts. You used to share a pot of money/childcare/support. - now you don’t.
2. Accelerate the change - the faster the better.
3. Anything that challenges the status quo gets a reaction. Whether that is job, finances, new woman, change in routine etc. You can try to be delicate or considerate, but in the end, woman like things the way they are, so when you move, they react. Learn to accept that.
Imagine yourself on a safe river bank, you climb in a small rowing boat and start rowing for the other side. But you can’t see the other river bank because its really foggy and misty. You look around, you can’t see the river bank you came from, you can only see mist and fog - you are confused. There is ONLY ONE thing to do. Keep Rowing ! You will get there, and you need to learn to accept the confusion and the uncertainty.
funkyrobot said:
Thanks. And thanks to Jonno02.
In relation to 1. How can I though? She has said she won't help with childcare. I can't do that to my daughter. I think I just need to keep the current job until this mess is all sorted.
TBH I would think that bird has flown. But you need to be telling not asking IMHOIn relation to 1. How can I though? She has said she won't help with childcare. I can't do that to my daughter. I think I just need to keep the current job until this mess is all sorted.
Gargamel said:
Things I learnt .... pay attention this was hard won wisdom
1. Don’t get blamed, in any divorce things will be worse than when you were together, harder, more expensive etc - Don’t get blamed for it, its just facts. You used to share a pot of money/childcare/support. - now you don’t.
2. Accelerate the change - the faster the better.
3. Anything that challenges the status quo gets a reaction. Whether that is job, finances, new woman, change in routine etc. You can try to be delicate or considerate, but in the end, woman like things the way they are, so when you move, they react. Learn to accept that.
Imagine yourself on a safe river bank, you climb in a small rowing boat and start rowing for the other side. But you can’t see the other river bank because its really foggy and misty. You look around, you can’t see the river bank you came from, you can only see mist and fog - you are confused. There is ONLY ONE thing to do. Keep Rowing ! You will get there, and you need to learn to accept the confusion and the uncertainty.
1. Don’t get blamed, in any divorce things will be worse than when you were together, harder, more expensive etc - Don’t get blamed for it, its just facts. You used to share a pot of money/childcare/support. - now you don’t.
2. Accelerate the change - the faster the better.
3. Anything that challenges the status quo gets a reaction. Whether that is job, finances, new woman, change in routine etc. You can try to be delicate or considerate, but in the end, woman like things the way they are, so when you move, they react. Learn to accept that.
Imagine yourself on a safe river bank, you climb in a small rowing boat and start rowing for the other side. But you can’t see the other river bank because its really foggy and misty. You look around, you can’t see the river bank you came from, you can only see mist and fog - you are confused. There is ONLY ONE thing to do. Keep Rowing ! You will get there, and you need to learn to accept the confusion and the uncertainty.
funkyrobot said:
Thanks. And thanks to Jonno02.
In relation to 1. How can I though? She has said she won't help with childcare. I can't do that to my daughter. I think I just need to keep the current job until this mess is all sorted.
What do you mean she "won't help with childcare"In relation to 1. How can I though? She has said she won't help with childcare. I can't do that to my daughter. I think I just need to keep the current job until this mess is all sorted.
Financially, or with time?
You are jointly responsible for child care unless an agreement is reached via solicitor. Which is why I suggested getting to one sooner than later. (horrible to have to do).
I don't have children so it's not something I can advise on but in principal I would rather work and pay for a child minder assuming I earnt more than otherwise, than not work, or work cut down hours, certainly if it involved being stuck at home with a mental woman going through a divorce!
I should add here that there are two sides to this. There always is.
I probably do things that annoy the hell out of my wife. There will be a reason, or reasons why she wants to split up with me.
I have tried to talk to her, but to no avail. The only time she tried to talk to me was last week when she said she wanted us to get a divorce. No talk about patching things, still loving each other, thinking about our daughter etc. She just said she wants a divorce.
There have been posts on this thread stating it's very one sided and men should take a look at themselves. I have tried to. I have tried to talk. I have tried to do things differently to try and make my wife happy. None of this seems to have worked.
From my perspective, I don't actually know what I've done that is so bad that it makes her want to hate me. Up until around 9 months ago I did everything and was the sole worker. I don't have time out on my own, I don't really have any friends so don't go out on my own, I discussed everything I ever did with her (job changes, purchases of things, things related to the house etc.). Everything. I'm also completely devoted to our daughter. The only time I make for myself is the odd bike ride.
I confided in her about my mental health problems last year. I asked her if she was ok with pretty much every decision I made that involved money or job stuff.
I personally think she hates me because I won't give her a second child. This was discussed at length years ago and it obviously hasn't been settled.
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
I probably do things that annoy the hell out of my wife. There will be a reason, or reasons why she wants to split up with me.
I have tried to talk to her, but to no avail. The only time she tried to talk to me was last week when she said she wanted us to get a divorce. No talk about patching things, still loving each other, thinking about our daughter etc. She just said she wants a divorce.
There have been posts on this thread stating it's very one sided and men should take a look at themselves. I have tried to. I have tried to talk. I have tried to do things differently to try and make my wife happy. None of this seems to have worked.
From my perspective, I don't actually know what I've done that is so bad that it makes her want to hate me. Up until around 9 months ago I did everything and was the sole worker. I don't have time out on my own, I don't really have any friends so don't go out on my own, I discussed everything I ever did with her (job changes, purchases of things, things related to the house etc.). Everything. I'm also completely devoted to our daughter. The only time I make for myself is the odd bike ride.
I confided in her about my mental health problems last year. I asked her if she was ok with pretty much every decision I made that involved money or job stuff.
I personally think she hates me because I won't give her a second child. This was discussed at length years ago and it obviously hasn't been settled.
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
Edited by funkyrobot on Friday 30th August 14:21
funkyrobot said:
I should add here that there are two sides to this. There always is.
I probably do things that annoy the hell out of my wife. There will be a reason, or reasons why she wants to split up with me.
I have tried to talk to her, but to no avail. The only time she tried to talk to me was last week when she said she wanted us to get a divorce. No talk about patching things, still loving each other, thinking about our daughter etc. She just said she wants a divorce.
There have been posts on this thread stating it's very one sided and men should take a look at themselves. I have tried to. I have tried to talk. I have tried to do things differently to try and make my wife happy. None of this seems to have worked.
From my perspective, I don't actually know what I've done that is so bad that it makes her want to hate me. Up until around 9 months ago I did everything and was the sole worker. I don't have time out on my own, I don't really have any friends so don't go out on my own, I discussed everything I ever did with her (job changes, purchases of things, things related to the house etc.). Everything. I'm also completely devoted to our daughter. The only time I make for myself is the odd bike ride.
I confided in her about my mental health problems last year. I discussed every single thing I thought with her. I asked her if she was ok with pretty much every decision I made that involved money or job stuff.
I personally think she hates me because I won't give her a second child. This was discussed at length years ago and it obviously hasn't been settled.
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
My advice is to stop trying to read her mind. You’re going to have ups and downs during this process, so is she. Accept it. And don’t try to rationalising it because it won’t be a rationale time. I probably do things that annoy the hell out of my wife. There will be a reason, or reasons why she wants to split up with me.
I have tried to talk to her, but to no avail. The only time she tried to talk to me was last week when she said she wanted us to get a divorce. No talk about patching things, still loving each other, thinking about our daughter etc. She just said she wants a divorce.
There have been posts on this thread stating it's very one sided and men should take a look at themselves. I have tried to. I have tried to talk. I have tried to do things differently to try and make my wife happy. None of this seems to have worked.
From my perspective, I don't actually know what I've done that is so bad that it makes her want to hate me. Up until around 9 months ago I did everything and was the sole worker. I don't have time out on my own, I don't really have any friends so don't go out on my own, I discussed everything I ever did with her (job changes, purchases of things, things related to the house etc.). Everything. I'm also completely devoted to our daughter. The only time I make for myself is the odd bike ride.
I confided in her about my mental health problems last year. I discussed every single thing I thought with her. I asked her if she was ok with pretty much every decision I made that involved money or job stuff.
I personally think she hates me because I won't give her a second child. This was discussed at length years ago and it obviously hasn't been settled.
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
Just focus on what you need to do to move forwards in the best way.
funkyrobot said:
I should add here that there are two sides to this. There always is.
I probably do things that annoy the hell out of my wife. There will be a reason, or reasons why she wants to split up with me.
I have tried to talk to her, but to no avail. The only time she tried to talk to me was last week when she said she wanted us to get a divorce. No talk about patching things, still loving each other, thinking about our daughter etc. She just said she wants a divorce.
There have been posts on this thread stating it's very one sided and men should take a look at themselves. I have tried to. I have tried to talk. I have tried to do things differently to try and make my wife happy. None of this seems to have worked.
From my perspective, I don't actually know what I've done that is so bad that it makes her want to hate me. Up until around 9 months ago I did everything and was the sole worker. I don't have time out on my own, I don't really have any friends so don't go out on my own, I discussed everything I ever did with her (job changes, purchases of things, things related to the house etc.). Everything. I'm also completely devoted to our daughter. The only time I make for myself is the odd bike ride.
I confided in her about my mental health problems last year. I discussed every single thing I thought with her. I asked her if she was ok with pretty much every decision I made that involved money or job stuff.
I personally think she hates me because I won't give her a second child. This was discussed at length years ago and it obviously hasn't been settled.
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
Have you asked her ? Or been to counselling together ? I probably do things that annoy the hell out of my wife. There will be a reason, or reasons why she wants to split up with me.
I have tried to talk to her, but to no avail. The only time she tried to talk to me was last week when she said she wanted us to get a divorce. No talk about patching things, still loving each other, thinking about our daughter etc. She just said she wants a divorce.
There have been posts on this thread stating it's very one sided and men should take a look at themselves. I have tried to. I have tried to talk. I have tried to do things differently to try and make my wife happy. None of this seems to have worked.
From my perspective, I don't actually know what I've done that is so bad that it makes her want to hate me. Up until around 9 months ago I did everything and was the sole worker. I don't have time out on my own, I don't really have any friends so don't go out on my own, I discussed everything I ever did with her (job changes, purchases of things, things related to the house etc.). Everything. I'm also completely devoted to our daughter. The only time I make for myself is the odd bike ride.
I confided in her about my mental health problems last year. I discussed every single thing I thought with her. I asked her if she was ok with pretty much every decision I made that involved money or job stuff.
I personally think she hates me because I won't give her a second child. This was discussed at length years ago and it obviously hasn't been settled.
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
Sounds like she has tried very hard to make you co dependent. No one really knows FR its between you two. We could speculate, but its all kinds of guesswork.
ks but it isn't it's trueGargamel said:
Have you asked her ? Or been to counselling together ?
Sounds like she has tried very hard to make you co dependent. No one really knows FR its between you two. We could speculate, but its all kinds of guesswork.
Tried to talk. When we do, there are never any specific things. It's just general distrust, dislike, life has been a waste of time etc.Sounds like she has tried very hard to make you co dependent. No one really knows FR its between you two. We could speculate, but its all kinds of guesswork.
funkyrobot said:
For some reason, she also distrusts me. I simply cannot work this out. I am open with my finances with her, I have never had financial trouble. I have never cheated on her. I have never been interested in anyone else. Yet, she reminds me quite often that she cannot trust me and I'm having a secret double life somehow.
I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
Funky - don't beat up yourself on this. Everything you said above is deja vue to my ears. As said by myself earlier in this thread once the trust has gone it can never ever be mended. I suppose if you both had very strong faiths then it might work or is that just in those soppy religious movies produced by the bible belt states of the USA.I simply cannot work out where this hatred and nastiness has come from. Funnily enough, it's been accelerated since I began exercising again and losing weight.
Yes, there are two sides to every story. However, I'm struggling to understand what I have done that is so, so bad.
Edited by funkyrobot on Friday 30th August 14:21
Move on with your goal to be happy for yourself and your daughter. Don't spend anymore time asking why cause you will spend eternity doing that and still not know.
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