Being told " I don't love you anymore"
Discussion
Gargamel said:
At 35 you have plenty of time to get a least two or three more decent relationships in.
I wouldnt know how. This has been my only relationship for the past 18 years, it's all I've known. There isnt much to me, certainly not enough to impress anyone else to fall for me. Maybe things will change. She has PND, which I'm hoping is clouding her feelings.
thatdude said:
I wouldnt know how. This has been my only relationship for the past 18 years, it's all I've known. There isnt much to me, certainly not enough to impress anyone else to fall for me.
Mate, don't worry. As I always tell myself, there's plenty of short sighted women out there who are bad judges of character and have very low expectations. You'll be fine. thatdude said:
Gargamel said:
At 35 you have plenty of time to get a least two or three more decent relationships in.
I wouldnt know how. This has been my only relationship for the past 18 years, it's all I've known. There isnt much to me, certainly not enough to impress anyone else to fall for me. Maybe things will change. She has PND, which I'm hoping is clouding her feelings.
Clinging on to a loveless marriage is futile. If you don't think you're attractive, work on why that is. However, do not underestimate your self. Unless you're a complete nut job.
Consider this - if you worked for one company for the last 18 years, would you stay working there if you weren't happy and the company treated you like s
t because they didn't like you? Of course not, you'd get another job using your skills and attributes to make yourself attractive to another employer.You certainly wouldn't spend every day in misery because you've convinced yourself that you wouldn't get a job anywhere else.
Time to be bold, be positive. Take control. Either serious marriage counselling or separation.
TorqueDirty said:
Really sorry to hear this mate but I will say one thing - from the perspective of someone just north of 50.....
35 (and onwards) is a great age to be. Don't throw it away by sacrificing yourself to a woman who does not love you.
Professionally you will be getting there, from a maturity stand point you will know what you do and don't want from life (well more than you did at 20), and you will probably have to courage to trust yourself rather than just believing what every other bullstting sod tells you.
The above gives you great freedom to live life as you want, and say no to stuff you don't want.
You earn these things over the hard early years. Life does not necessarily get any easier - but it does get more interesting if you allow it to.
Voluntarily giving up all of that to be with someone who does not really want you around is not worth it - even if the process of separating is very hard. And even if she does want you around - it is only on her terms, and those terms are frankly not good enough.
From another 'just north of 50' who split at 33 from someone who'd "fallen out of love" with me (ie. started an affair) - all the above is true. Don't waste what should be a great part of your life on someone who neither loves nor respects you.35 (and onwards) is a great age to be. Don't throw it away by sacrificing yourself to a woman who does not love you.
Professionally you will be getting there, from a maturity stand point you will know what you do and don't want from life (well more than you did at 20), and you will probably have to courage to trust yourself rather than just believing what every other bulls
tting sod tells you.The above gives you great freedom to live life as you want, and say no to stuff you don't want.
You earn these things over the hard early years. Life does not necessarily get any easier - but it does get more interesting if you allow it to.
Voluntarily giving up all of that to be with someone who does not really want you around is not worth it - even if the process of separating is very hard. And even if she does want you around - it is only on her terms, and those terms are frankly not good enough.
thatdude said:
I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.
At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.
I married young and had kids. She walked out a few months before I turned 35 after a long term affair / double life. I had a lot of problems to deal with, but if its any consolation, finding other women to meet wasn't one of them. At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.
Getting through the immediate aftermath will be difficult no matter who or what you decide to romantically involve yourself with. It's probably the last thing you want for the short term though. My advice would be to focus on your physical health and mental wellbeing as utmost priority. The gyms are opening on Monday - get in one for starters.
thatdude said:
...
Yesterday she said she'd like another child. With me? I can;t see that happening. She seems repulsed by anything more than holding a hand.
I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.
At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.
If you are 35, guessing she is similar. So her fertility is decreasing, risk to child increasing. Yesterday she said she'd like another child. With me? I can;t see that happening. She seems repulsed by anything more than holding a hand.
I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.
At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.
So from a practical perspective, strange that she told you she didn't love you and also told you that wants a child. As said, it maybe she has someone else, but also that she may want it with the same fella.
If with you:
Plus: your son will benefit hugely from a sibling.
Not so good: you may not have such a strong bond with him as with your other one if dont see him as much. And some new bloke may take your place. Secondly that 2 kids and divorced is financially a lot more expensive. And if mixed genders you will need a 3 bed place rather than 2 in the future.
thatdude said:
Well, it's happened. My wife told me in a very honest and calm conversation that she is not in love with me any more. I asked her what she meant. She said maybe it's just for now, maybe she'll feel it again in the future. She;s felt like it for a while, few months at least. She says she still cares about me and feels love for me, just not in love with me.
Seriously, I am sure any man who has been in this situation will agree, do they all read from the same script when they do this? Did she mention about "needing space" as well. She has been thinking about this for months and checked out a while ago. The maybe she'll feel it again in the future is a way of trying to keep you quiet by giving you false hope. Sorry to say it but she will not change her mind.anonymous said:
[redacted]
Hate to say it but I agree, she has been planning this for a while. As Tonker says, she has her new life mapped out in her head and just wants you to go along with her plans with as little fuss as possible. This relates back to your quote above.Mark Benson said:
From another 'just north of 50' who split at 33 from someone who'd "fallen out of love" with me (ie. started an affair) - all the above is true. Don't waste what should be a great part of your life on someone who neither loves nor respects you.
47 now, had exactly the same happen to me at 40, again do they all read the same script? I know it doesn't feel it now but you will look back in a few years and wonder what you were worried about. Look after yourself, and I am certain there will be plenty of opportunities to date in the future. A man is just coming into his prime at 35 and there are lots, and lots of available women out there. The tables turn around your age and you will become the catch, rather than the other way around.Don't do anything stupid, eat, look after yourself and try not to worry too much as it will all sort itself out. Oh, and if she has got a plan up her sleeve it will be nowhere near as good as she thinks it will.
throt said:
Hahaha,
You guys make it all sound so easy. thatdude, obviously, still, is, in love with her.
I agree though, don't waste your life away if its definitely gone tits up.
What can you do though, if the person you love no longer loves you in return? You guys make it all sound so easy. thatdude, obviously, still, is, in love with her.
I agree though, don't waste your life away if its definitely gone tits up.
In the end basic self respect must take over, it is a hard lesson, but ultimately you cannot make her love you, so you must rebuild your life in a different way.
I went through a couple of years wondering if I would be happy/content again after such a drastic change. I mean properly settled, not short term happy after a night out or a good meal, or a meaningless but rather fun hook up.
Joey Deacon said:
A man is just coming into his prime at 35 and there are lots, and lots of available women out there. The tables turn around your age and you will become the catch, rather than the other way around.
Couldn't agree more. I became single around that age and can safely say they were the best years of my life. As you say, the hunter becomes the prey, only in a good way. Once I had sorted my s
t out (exercised, got the body in half decent shape, stopped moping and had a make over in appearance/clothing), I suddenly appreciated men of 35 - 45 were appealing in the eyes of women from 17 - 60. Add to that the arrival of app based dating which I had never had in the toolkit in my earlier dating years and it was eye opening to say the least.She has mentally checked out already, which didn't happen overnight - once that is done, it is done.
What else is going on who knows - and you may never know - but the fact remains, she has checked out.
The more you fight it, no matter how reasoned and rational, the more resistance is likely.
Look after YOU first and foremost, and protect yourself. It will get worse before it gets better.
Don't do anything stupid, eat, look after yourself and try not to worry too much as it will all sort itself out. Oh, and if she has got a plan up her sleeve it will be nowhere near as good as she thinks it will.Very much all of this.
Sign me up as another of the 'it went tits up at 35' club..... it most certainly isn't the end of your life, romantically or otherwise, it will just feel like it for a while.
It WILL get better.
What else is going on who knows - and you may never know - but the fact remains, she has checked out.
The more you fight it, no matter how reasoned and rational, the more resistance is likely.
Look after YOU first and foremost, and protect yourself. It will get worse before it gets better.
Joey Deacon said:
thatdude said:
Well, it's happened. My wife told me in a very honest and calm conversation that she is not in love with me any more. I asked her what she meant. She said maybe it's just for now, maybe she'll feel it again in the future. She;s felt like it for a while, few months at least. She says she still cares about me and feels love for me, just not in love with me.
Seriously, I am sure any man who has been in this situation will agree, do they all read from the same script when they do this? Did she mention about "needing space" as well. She has been thinking about this for months and checked out a while ago. The maybe she'll feel it again in the future is a way of trying to keep you quiet by giving you false hope. Sorry to say it but she will not change her mind.anonymous said:
[redacted]
Hate to say it but I agree, she has been planning this for a while. As Tonker says, she has her new life mapped out in her head and just wants you to go along with her plans with as little fuss as possible. This relates back to your quote above.Mark Benson said:
From another 'just north of 50' who split at 33 from someone who'd "fallen out of love" with me (ie. started an affair) - all the above is true. Don't waste what should be a great part of your life on someone who neither loves nor respects you.
47 now, had exactly the same happen to me at 40, again do they all read the same script? I know it doesn't feel it now but you will look back in a few years and wonder what you were worried about. Look after yourself, and I am certain there will be plenty of opportunities to date in the future. A man is just coming into his prime at 35 and there are lots, and lots of available women out there. The tables turn around your age and you will become the catch, rather than the other way around.Don't do anything stupid, eat, look after yourself and try not to worry too much as it will all sort itself out. Oh, and if she has got a plan up her sleeve it will be nowhere near as good as she thinks it will.
Sign me up as another of the 'it went tits up at 35' club..... it most certainly isn't the end of your life, romantically or otherwise, it will just feel like it for a while.
It WILL get better.
Edited by GCH on Thursday 8th April 17:37
Gargamel said:
throt said:
Hahaha,
You guys make it all sound so easy. thatdude, obviously, still, is, in love with her.
I agree though, don't waste your life away if its definitely gone tits up.
What can you do though, if the person you love no longer loves you in return? You guys make it all sound so easy. thatdude, obviously, still, is, in love with her.
I agree though, don't waste your life away if its definitely gone tits up.
In the end basic self respect must take over, it is a hard lesson, but ultimately you cannot make her love you, so you must rebuild your life in a different way.
I went through a couple of years wondering if I would be happy/content again after such a drastic change. I mean properly settled, not short term happy after a night out or a good meal, or a meaningless but rather fun hook up.
When in a relationship, some / most men look at other women and think ''corrrrr look at that, imagine'' but if you have a split up it becomes quite apparent that you do indeed miss a close companionship and screwing about end up not important, or, high up the list.
I have been single now for nearly 3yr, had ample chances of fun hook ups with girls a lot younger than me too, nice ones but I didn't go there, to my surprise. Still, I do feel ready now, at last, so I start to advertise myself, or, flirt about a bit
@ thedude, hope all works out well for you and if its a split fingers crossed for a smooth cost effective one.
thatdude said:
Well, it's happened. My wife told me in a very honest and calm conversation that she is not in love with me any more. I asked her what she meant. She said maybe it's just for now, maybe she'll feel it again in the future. She;s felt like it for a while, few months at least. She says she still cares about me and feels love for me, just not in love with me.
So I dont know what to do really. Just...be very close friends I suppose and make whatever we can out of it to be a happy sort of life in its own way. I dont want to separate, the little one needs his mum and dad together. Me and her work well as a team for him (even if I am bking everything up by not completing 15 million tasks to absolute perfection every day). Yesterday she said she'd like another child. With me? I can;t see that happening. She seems repulsed by anything more than holding a hand.
I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.
At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.
Get the snip asap.So I dont know what to do really. Just...be very close friends I suppose and make whatever we can out of it to be a happy sort of life in its own way. I dont want to separate, the little one needs his mum and dad together. Me and her work well as a team for him (even if I am b
king everything up by not completing 15 million tasks to absolute perfection every day). Yesterday she said she'd like another child. With me? I can;t see that happening. She seems repulsed by anything more than holding a hand. I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.
At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.
It'll take one 'just for old times sake' and that's it.
Oh and at 32 mine of 13 years ended. 12 years on and wow, best 12 years of my life. Seriously.
Life isnt over, in fact it's just beginning.
Joey Deacon said:
thatdude said:
Well, it's happened. My wife told me in a very honest and calm conversation that she is not in love with me any more. I asked her what she meant. She said maybe it's just for now, maybe she'll feel it again in the future. She;s felt like it for a while, few months at least. She says she still cares about me and feels love for me, just not in love with me.
Seriously, I am sure any man who has been in this situation will agree, do they all read from the same script when they do this? Did she mention about "needing space" as well. She has been thinking about this for months and checked out a while ago. The maybe she'll feel it again in the future is a way of trying to keep you quiet by giving you false hope. Sorry to say it but she will not change her mind.anonymous said:
[redacted]
Hate to say it but I agree, she has been planning this for a while. As Tonker says, she has her new life mapped out in her head and just wants you to go along with her plans with as little fuss as possible. This relates back to your quote above.Regarding the PND, it's a real thing but sometimes there is no recovering from it between couples without some distance and time. Don't let it drag you down and just concentrate on being the best father you can be in the meantime, that's what the kid will remember most of all.
I imagine it will have taken her weeks, if not months to pluck up the courage to sit down and tell you that. How much longer has she been thinking about you in a purely negative way.
She's done now, the reasons are pretty much irrelevant at this point. You child will pick up on the vibes and be affected more by sticking with it than having two happy parents with separate lives.
Please don't waste the rest of your life trying to win her back or living life on her terms, I know it sounds clichéd but you are worth more than that.
Plenty of good advice on here from people experienced in such things.
She's done now, the reasons are pretty much irrelevant at this point. You child will pick up on the vibes and be affected more by sticking with it than having two happy parents with separate lives.
Please don't waste the rest of your life trying to win her back or living life on her terms, I know it sounds clichéd but you are worth more than that.
Plenty of good advice on here from people experienced in such things.
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