Being told " I don't love you anymore"

[g3org3y]

thatdude said:

Well, it's happened. My wife told me in a very honest and calm conversation that she is not in love with me any more. I asked her what she meant. She said maybe it's just for now, maybe she'll feel it again in the future. She;s felt like it for a while, few months at least. She says she still cares about me and feels love for me, just not in love with me.

So I dont know what to do really. Just...be very close friends I suppose and make whatever we can out of it to be a happy sort of life in its own way. I dont want to separate, the little one needs his mum and dad together. Me and her work well as a team for him (even if I am bking everything up by not completing 15 million tasks to absolute perfection every day). Yesterday she said she'd like another child. With me? I can;t see that happening. She seems repulsed by anything more than holding a hand.

I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.

At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.

Sorry to hear, especially given your recent postings.

Small kids (iirc you have a 7 month old) put a massive strain on relationships, certainly can be make or break. Sleep deprivation, relentless attention needed from the little one (not to mention any other children you already have), underlying work burden and financial pressure, feelings of imbalance in the family between the 'worker' and the 'child minder', lack of intimacy meaning that often a relationship can feel like housemates rather than husband and wife. You often don't have the time or energy to concentrate on the relationship itself. All of that can make it feel like the love is knocked out of things.

You mentioned about the possibility of her having PND and given her behaviour and how she's been lashing out at you verbally despite you doing your best to help with all the household running, sounds like a possible big contributing factor.

Given the above, I wouldn't be as quick to jump on the 'she's got someone else lined up' theory especially if she's suffering with PND and her behaviour is out of character.

From your previous post, you sound really down on yourself:

thatdude said:

I think I'll just keep my head down and try and do my best. I just dont know what to do. Somewhere in there is my wife, my best friend. Maybe I need daily lists from her so I can tick off everything. And have some sort of performance review or something. I dont know. My state of being is at an all time low. But it's just me being selfish, I suppose. She had two pregnancies, she gave birth twice, she had all the complications. All I did was 3 minutes of work twice and then sat back. None of this is her fault. It must be my problem. It has to be. I'm doing it all so wrong because I'm just selfish. I'm a peice of st. I hope she can find someone else, someone better, someone richer, happier, stronger, cleverer, ambitious. I was never the right person for her except I was willing to lay down and be ordered about. Because she is all I have in this life. Friends come, friends go. No-one sticks around, no-one is interested. So I do as much as possible to try and pelase her. But it's ok, if she finds someone else thats ok. Why try when you cant win.

Hope you guys can work it out, assuming that's what you want to do.

[GT3Manthey]

All very similar to a mate I posted about back end of last year and another guy on here , was it Watchman?

They both discussed how the wife had suddenly lost all interest and “ needed space” to then find out there was another bloke in tow.

My mates now ex is already pregnant by the new fellow.

Any update on Watchman ?

[Alltrack]

thatdude said:

Well, it's happened. My wife told me in a very honest and calm conversation that she is not in love with me any more. I asked her what she meant. She said maybe it's just for now, maybe she'll feel it again in the future. She;s felt like it for a while, few months at least. She says she still cares about me and feels love for me, just not in love with me.

So I dont know what to do really. Just...be very close friends I suppose and make whatever we can out of it to be a happy sort of life in its own way. I dont want to separate, the little one needs his mum and dad together. Me and her work well as a team for him (even if I am bking everything up by not completing 15 million tasks to absolute perfection every day). Yesterday she said she'd like another child. With me? I can;t see that happening. She seems repulsed by anything more than holding a hand.

I turn 35 next month. Just another 35 years or so to go. What a lonely life to lead.

At least I have my little boy. And my motorbike.

Assuming the next logical step is separation , how’s that going to work, you’ve got a 7 month old. According to previous posts you do all the housework. How’s she going to manage if you’re not there?
Have you asked her this?

[throt]

Alltrack said:

Assuming the next logical step is separation , how’s that going to work, you’ve got a 7 month old. According to previous posts you do all the housework. How’s she going to manage if you’re not there?
Have you asked her this?

That was poster Pit Pony that was doing all the house duties.

[Alltrack]

throt said:

That was poster Pit Pony that was doing all the house duties.

This is from thatdude’s post from March the 30th

I feel like I'm counting down the clock to be told "i dont love you any more" by my wife. It seems despite all I do - up at 5:30 to sort out breakfasts for me, her and make up our (7 month old) sons bottle, wash up anyhing from the previous evening that wasnt covered by the post-dinner washing, sort out any laundry, have my own breakfast etc before leaving for work at 7 am, get home 16:45, spend some time with my son, then back to cleaning up after dinner, making my lunch for the next day, sorting any laundry -

How’s all that going to happen if they’re apart?

[duffy78]

Hey Thatdude, sorry to hear about your troubles. I am also one of the 35-40 club. Split at 38, now 42, lots of upset but also lots of fun to be had, so dont be too hard or down on yourself. As others have said, gym will help with your self worth and also has the upside of making you more attractive.

My advice would be not to throw it all away so quickly, talk, see if anything can be done to turn things around, explain about how you feel (low self worth) to her and see where it goes. You owe it to yourself and your child to at least give it a try, then if it doesnt work you can honestly say to yourself, and your child when its older, that you did try and didnt just walk away when the going got tough.

One of two things will happen if you start to make more of an effort, be fully open in discussions, take counselling etc, in the marriage from this point;

1. it will rekindle something, will hopefully change the marriage for the better and you come out the other side a stronger family unit.

2. She will see you as pathetic as it will look like you're grovelling around her and it will only serve to irritate her more and speed up the departure.


Either outcome can be seen as a win. Don't let point 2 get you down, it very quickly lets you know where you stand especially if in discussions all you get back from the Mrs is the same old platitudes, it's not you its me etc, etc, etc.


I tried and ended up with point 2 as the outcome (as others here have also) It meant i could gather up my thoughts and get everything straight in my head and walk away from the Marriage with my head held high, knowing i did what i could at the end.



Whatever you do from hereon in, you are at the start of a journey that takes time to sort, make sure you look after yourself. And make sure those that care about you, family and friends, know whats going on so you get more support than just a car forum. Thats the one mistake i made in that i didnt tell anyone until a couple of months after asking for a divorce (fyi my wife was having an affair, wanted to tell people about the divorce after xmas rather than before, yadda yadda yadda, also a mistake) and it wreaked havoc with my mental health.


Good luck.

[anonymous-user]

duffy78 said:

One of two things will happen if you start to make more of an effort, be fully open in discussions, take counselling etc, in the marriage from this point;

1. it will rekindle something, will hopefully change the marriage for the better and you come out the other side a stronger family unit.

2. She will see you as pathetic as it will look like you're grovelling around her and it will only serve to irritate her more and speed up the departure.

Either outcome can be seen as a win. Don't let point 2 get you down, it very quickly lets you know where you stand especially if in discussions all you get back from the Mrs is the same old platitudes, it's not you its me etc, etc, etc.

I tried and ended up with point 2 as the outcome (as others here have also) It meant i could gather up my thoughts and get everything straight in my head and walk away from the Marriage with my head held high, knowing i did what i could at the end.

Outcome 2 for me as well, as they say "a wise man learns from the mistakes of others" my advice would be not to do this at all. If I could go back seven years I would have a harsh word with myself and say man up, don't be a pussy and everything is going to be OK. If there is eventually a new man you might actually look on him with pity and realise that in actual fact you are the lucky one.

duffy78 said:

Whatever you do from hereon in, you are at the start of a journey that takes time to sort, make sure you look after yourself. And make sure those that care about you, family and friends, know whats going on so you get more support than just a car forum. Thats the one mistake i made in that i didnt tell anyone until a couple of months after asking for a divorce (fyi my wife was having an affair, wanted to tell people about the divorce after xmas rather than before, yadda yadda yadda, also a mistake) and it wreaked havoc with my mental health.

Good luck.

Looking back at the first 18 months after my divorce my head was most definitely not straight and I cannot believe some of the things I thought, said and did. Your mental health is the most important thing which is why the one bit of advice I will give is eat and look after yourself. Don't do anything stupid, if you do find yourself having dark thoughts then please talk to someone.

If you are like me you will have this mental picture of just how happy she is now that you are not around and she has a new man in her life. It is all bullst, once the honeymoon wears off it will be no different to when she was with you. A few years down the line she will probably be bored with him, check out and start looking for attention again.

It's all a temporary blip in life, eventually it will all calm down and you will be happy and relaxed again and wondering what you were so worried about. You will look at your ex, think she wasn't all that anyway and wonder how you let it get to you so much.

[number2]

Joey generally speaks a lot of sense, I'd listen to him.

A degree of tolerance/understanding is required in a relationship, but all the posters on here are way, way past that stage.

You wife calmly tells you she doesn't love you any more? Get a grip and get out, she doesn't want you. She's spent a lot of time thinking it through and she's done with it. It's not rocket science.

It will be a shock and you'll feel awful, you'll have highs and lows and lots of things to sort out, but that's life. You'll get over it. If you feel you won't then go to your doctor and seek help.

End of the day it's up to you what you do, but quit making excuses for the other half who quite frankly has demonstrated she doesn't love you, doesn't respect you and treats you as a meal ticket and house keeper.

[duffy78]

Joey Deacon said:

duffy78 said:

One of two things will happen if you start to make more of an effort, be fully open in discussions, take counselling etc, in the marriage from this point;

1. it will rekindle something, will hopefully change the marriage for the better and you come out the other side a stronger family unit.

2. She will see you as pathetic as it will look like you're grovelling around her and it will only serve to irritate her more and speed up the departure.

Either outcome can be seen as a win. Don't let point 2 get you down, it very quickly lets you know where you stand especially if in discussions all you get back from the Mrs is the same old platitudes, it's not you its me etc, etc, etc.

I tried and ended up with point 2 as the outcome (as others here have also) It meant i could gather up my thoughts and get everything straight in my head and walk away from the Marriage with my head held high, knowing i did what i could at the end.

Outcome 2 for me as well, as they say "a wise man learns from the mistakes of others" my advice would be not to do this at all. If I could go back seven years I would have a harsh word with myself and say man up, don't be a pussy and everything is going to be OK. If there is eventually a new man you might actually look on him with pity and realise that in actual fact you are the lucky one.

I'm not saying I totally disagree with you Joey, but I know if I didn't at least try at the end it would have left a lot of "what ifs" floating around in my head.

I have three children and at the very least i can look them in the eye and tell them i tried my best, despite what the ex has twisted and told them since.

Guilt can also be a powerful emotion that can hinder progression back to happier times.

[GT3Manthey]

We’ve all read these threads before.

She’s not just thought “ oh I don’t love him anymore I’ll tell him right away” she’s thought it for many months.

Sounds to me like she checked out a while back .
Also don’t discount there is someone else in the background

[anonymous-user]

number2 said:

It will be a shock and you'll feel awful, you'll have highs and lows and lots of things to sort out, but that's life. You'll get over it. If you feel you won't then go to your doctor and seek help.

My experience of speaking to the doctor was there is pretty much zero chance of getting any form of counselling on the NHS, even pre Covid. If it is available the waiting list will be months and the sessions will be in the day when you can't go anyway.

They will however be very keen to prescribe anti depressants, they will give you a prescription after speaking to you for a couple of minutes, especially if you mention you have had dark thoughts. I was given a prescription for Sertraline (it will most likely be this), researched it, read about reduced labido, thought fk that and ripped it up.

I ended up paying for counselling myself, sitting in a cabin in the garden of a big house in Surrey with a middle aged lady for £60 an hour. Was it worth it? I don't know, I had worked out exactly why I was thinking this way and how it wasn't logical at all. I guess ultimately it was someone to talk to when I couldn't talk to anyone else about it.

Don't take anti depressants unless it is an absolute final resort.

[throt]

Alltrack said:

throt said:

That was poster Pit Pony that was doing all the house duties.

This is from thatdude’s post from March the 30th

I feel like I'm counting down the clock to be told "i dont love you any more" by my wife. It seems despite all I do - up at 5:30 to sort out breakfasts for me, her and make up our (7 month old) sons bottle, wash up anyhing from the previous evening that wasnt covered by the post-dinner washing, sort out any laundry, have my own breakfast etc before leaving for work at 7 am, get home 16:45, spend some time with my son, then back to cleaning up after dinner, making my lunch for the next day, sorting any laundry -

How’s all that going to happen if they’re apart?

You are correct.

Two in the same situation then

I live two houses away from a church. Moved here 28yr ago. Years back couples were always getting married, using the church, but I honestly cant remember when the last wedding was held there. 10 plus yr ago, maybe more.

Tells it all really

[duffy78]

Joey Deacon said:

My experience of speaking to the doctor was there is pretty much zero chance of getting any form of counselling on the NHS, even pre Covid. If it is available the waiting list will be months and the sessions will be in the day when you can't go anyway.

They will however be very keen to prescribe anti depressants, they will give you a prescription after speaking to you for a couple of minutes, especially if you mention you have had dark thoughts. I was given a prescription for Sertraline (it will most likely be this), researched it, read about reduced labido, thought fk that and ripped it up.

I ended up paying for counselling myself, sitting in a cabin in the garden of a big house in Surrey with a middle aged lady for £60 an hour. Was it worth it? I don't know, I had worked out exactly why I was thinking this way and how it wasn't logical at all. I guess ultimately it was someone to talk to when I couldn't talk to anyone else about it.

Don't take anti depressants unless it is an absolute final resort.

As you openly admitted Joey, you didnt take the anti depressants, so it doesnt really give you the experience to make that statement really does it.

I'm not actively looking to pick you up on stuff btw, just looking to give a balanced view.


You can very easily become overwhelmed mentally and just not deal with the situation at all, especially if this has all come as a surprise and you're already pretty low and stressed. What the anti depressants do is give you some headspace to deal with stuff without becoming further overwhelmed.

[Ronstein]

Can only speak from personal experience. Married someone (only child) who was totally focussed on what life meant for her. Divorced at 34 with all sort of fears and concerns for the future. Remarried at 39 and we celebrate 30 years of marriage next year. The significant difference is that we both put each other first, which mostly works remarkably well!!

Edited by Ronstein on Friday 9th April 11:11

[throt]

duffy78 said:

Joey Deacon said:

My experience of speaking to the doctor was there is pretty much zero chance of getting any form of counselling on the NHS, even pre Covid. If it is available the waiting list will be months and the sessions will be in the day when you can't go anyway.

They will however be very keen to prescribe anti depressants, they will give you a prescription after speaking to you for a couple of minutes, especially if you mention you have had dark thoughts. I was given a prescription for Sertraline (it will most likely be this), researched it, read about reduced labido, thought fk that and ripped it up.

I ended up paying for counselling myself, sitting in a cabin in the garden of a big house in Surrey with a middle aged lady for £60 an hour. Was it worth it? I don't know, I had worked out exactly why I was thinking this way and how it wasn't logical at all. I guess ultimately it was someone to talk to when I couldn't talk to anyone else about it.

Don't take anti depressants unless it is an absolute final resort.

As you openly admitted Joey, you didnt take the anti depressants, so it doesnt really give you the experience to make that statement really does it.

I'm not actively looking to pick you up on stuff btw, just looking to give a balanced view.


You can very easily become overwhelmed mentally and just not deal with the situation at all, especially if this has all come as a surprise and you're already pretty low and stressed. What the anti depressants do is give you some headspace to deal with stuff without becoming further overwhelmed.

I wouldn't want ""happy pills"" on my health record for professional reasons.

I went through a huge ordeal for two year, not so long back and I am glad I didn't ask for them, looking back.

Of course, we are all different but its just something to remember.

Be strong!

[Alltrack]

throt said:

You are correct.

Two in the same situation then

I live two houses away from a church. Moved here 28yr ago. Years back couples were always getting married, using the church, but I honestly cant remember when the last wedding was held there. 10 plus yr ago, maybe more.

Tells it all really

With kids under one it’s usually the father that wants out.
It’s also highly unlikely to be another man at this stage.
That’s why I am so surprised she’s pulled the plug now.

Women are usually very pragmatic about these matters and I can’t see why she would throw away such a huge means of support.It sounds like her life would fall apart if he walked out now.

Edited by Alltrack on Friday 9th April 11:17

[anonymous-user]

duffy78 said:

As you openly admitted Joey, you didnt take the anti depressants, so it doesnt really give you the experience to make that statement really does it.

I'm not actively looking to pick you up on stuff btw, just looking to give a balanced view.

You can very easily become overwhelmed mentally and just not deal with the situation at all, especially if this has all come as a surprise and you're already pretty low and stressed. What the anti depressants do is give you some headspace to deal with stuff without becoming further overwhelmed.

Very valid point, and I apologise, as you say I can't give a balanced view as I have never taken them.

My main problem is how easily they are prescribed, I was actually shocked when I was handed the prescription.

Edited by anonymous-user on Friday 9th April 11:28

[Tyre Smoke]

Reading through this thread, there are a lot of posts from men who seem to be accepting of being 'doormats' or 'pussy whipped'. Now it might be a generational thing, but at 55 experience has taught me that women tend to stay with a man who they love and respect. Ultimately when the respect goes, the love follows. Women in a relationship seem to be hard wired to push the limits of what they can 'get away with' and walk all over their partner. Eventually that becomes boring and they look for a new challenge. I see that with the posters here. I suspect it's too late for those relationships, but there has to be give and take. Allowing a woman to dictate the relationship will never work long term. Neither will allowing a man to do the same. From a male point of view, it's not the 1950s, she's not your little woman. And from a female point of view 1960s women burning their bras only gets you so far.

[anonymous-user]

Tyre Smoke said:

Reading through this thread, there are a lot of posts from men who seem to be accepting of being 'doormats' or 'pussy whipped'. Now it might be a generational thing, but at 55 experience has taught me that women tend to stay with a man who they love and respect. Ultimately when the respect goes, the love follows. Women in a relationship seem to be hard wired to push the limits of what they can 'get away with' and walk all over their partner. Eventually that becomes boring and they look for a new challenge. I see that with the posters here. I suspect it's too late for those relationships, but there has to be give and take. Allowing a woman to dictate the relationship will never work long term. Neither will allowing a man to do the same. From a male point of view, it's not the 1950s, she's not your little woman. And from a female point of view 1960s women burning their bras only gets you so far.

100% agree, although it is a view that will often lead to you being called bitter on here. Google Frame and st Tests for more information on this theory.

Control or be controlled.

[hyphen]

Joey Deacon said:

My main problem is how easily they are prescribed, I was actually shocked when I was handed the prescription.

A friend of a friend was a medical drugs salesman, his job seemed to mostly consist of taking GPs out for fancy lunches where his company picked up the bill.