Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
Pistom said:
ApOrbital said:
Liz will not be getting up at dawn.
Never expected to hear that the Queen is dead on PH first. While golfing, Richard an elderly chap accidentally overturned his electric golf cart.
A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." Richard took notice her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and headed to her place.
After a couple of Manhattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"
While sailing, elderly gentleman Richard's boat hit a rock and began to sink.
A very attractive mature lady, who was driving a big powerboat nearby, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as stood on the deck of his sinking vessel.
She said, "Jump onto my boat, rest a while, and I'll help you call the coastguard." Richard notice that her her tiny bikini was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and jumped across onto her boat.
After a couple of Manhattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better call the coastguard now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her bikini top fall more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in her cabin I guess!"
While touring the solar system, elderly gentleman Richard's spaceship hit an asteroid and began to decompress.
A very attractive mature lady, who was piloting a big spaceship nearby, detected the collision on her space-radar and signalled out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he entered the escape pod of his emptying vessel.
She said, "transport onto my spaceship, rest a while, and I'll help you call the space-guard." Richard notice that her tiny space-kini was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and transported across onto her spaceship.
After a couple of Spacehattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better call the space-guard now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her space-kini top fall more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the airlock I guess!"
A very attractive mature lady, who was piloting a big spaceship nearby, detected the collision on her space-radar and signalled out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he entered the escape pod of his emptying vessel.
She said, "transport onto my spaceship, rest a while, and I'll help you call the space-guard." Richard notice that her tiny space-kini was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and transported across onto her spaceship.
After a couple of Spacehattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better call the space-guard now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her space-kini top fall more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the airlock I guess!"
John goes to visit his 93 year old grandpa in hospital, and is pleased to see him looking spry and happy.
“How are you doing, grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus. We had chicken casserole today, almost as good as Mary’s.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These lovely young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? So you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all! Eight hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it, I go out like a light.”
John is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
“Hello, I was thinking you could clear something up for me,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving my 93 year old grandpa Viagra every night. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed…”
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