Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
king stop it, we don't need the "permission to laugh" lines.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
bigbob77 said:
A programmer's wife is giving birth. As soon as the baby is out the doctor hands it to the father. The mother asks "Is it a boy or a girl?" - he answers "yes".
When they get home, she asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. She adds "If they have eggs, get a dozen". He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Eventually they've used up all the bread so once again she asks him to go and get a loaf. She's more careful this time, though: "Just get one loaf of bread! And while you're there, pick up some eggs."
He was never seen again.
Wrong topic. Most normals here won't get that. When they get home, she asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. She adds "If they have eggs, get a dozen". He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Eventually they've used up all the bread so once again she asks him to go and get a loaf. She's more careful this time, though: "Just get one loaf of bread! And while you're there, pick up some eggs."
He was never seen again.
Check geek jokes.
LordGrover said:
bigbob77 said:
A programmer's wife is giving birth. As soon as the baby is out the doctor hands it to the father. The mother asks "Is it a boy or a girl?" - he answers "yes".
When they get home, she asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. She adds "If they have eggs, get a dozen". He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Eventually they've used up all the bread so once again she asks him to go and get a loaf. She's more careful this time, though: "Just get one loaf of bread! And while you're there, pick up some eggs."
He was never seen again.
Wrong topic. Most normals here won't get that. When they get home, she asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. She adds "If they have eggs, get a dozen". He comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Eventually they've used up all the bread so once again she asks him to go and get a loaf. She's more careful this time, though: "Just get one loaf of bread! And while you're there, pick up some eggs."
He was never seen again.
Check geek jokes.
Imagine programming a robot with "while you're at the store, pick up eggs"...
Robot thinks:
Am I at the store? Yes, then I'll pick up eggs.
Am I still at the store? Yep still here, I'll pick up eggs.
Still at the store... I'll pick up eggs.
etc.
Luckily jokes are so much funnier when they have to be explained
Robot thinks:
Am I at the store? Yes, then I'll pick up eggs.
Am I still at the store? Yep still here, I'll pick up eggs.
Still at the store... I'll pick up eggs.
etc.
Luckily jokes are so much funnier when they have to be explained
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The girl had spiked hair in all different colors - blue, red, green and orange.
My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.
In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
Vipers said:
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The girl had spiked hair in all different colors - blue, red, green and orange.
My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.
In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
You've just moved the pointless yank line up one.My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
Its complete elision loses nothing.
Vipers said:
I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenage girl sitting next to him. The girl had spiked hair in all different colors - blue, red, green and orange.
My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.
In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
......and that's the hat trick.My dad kept staring at her and the girl would look at my dad. When she had enough of his staring, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.
In his classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid: "I got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
Three cr*p jokes in the first two pages, all of which are ancient.
Vipers said:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
He never heard the gunshot?It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?
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