Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 8)
Discussion
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the f
king putt, didn’t you?”
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the f
king putt, didn’t you?”I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today because I was wearing a tight pair of budgie smugglers and the life guard noticed the rather large bulge in my trunks and said it might upset some of the other swimmers.
I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't st himself".
I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't s
t himself".Bloke sat on a bus, a gorgeous bird sits next to him and starts breast feeding her baby. the baby wont take it so she says "come on eat up or ill give it to this nice man" ten minutes later, baby's still not feeding so she says again "eat up or ill give it to this nice man" bloke says "listen love, can you make your mind up please, i should have got off 4 stops ago.
Ructions said:
Bloke sat on a bus, a gorgeous bird sits next to him and starts breast feeding her baby. the baby wont take it so she says "come on eat up or ill give it to this nice man" ten minutes later, baby's still not feeding so she says again "eat up or ill give it to this nice man" bloke says "listen love, can you make your mind up please, i should have got off 4 stops ago.
Ructions said:
Bloke sat on a bus, a gorgeous bird sits next to him and starts breast feeding her baby. the baby wont take it so she says "come on eat up or ill give it to this nice man" ten minutes later, baby's still not feeding so she says again "eat up or ill give it to this nice man" bloke says "listen love, can you make your mind up please, i should have got off 4 stops ago.
This gorgeous Thai lady sat next to me on the bus and I started thinking "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection."And then she did...
Shuvi McTupya said:
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today because I was wearing a tight pair of budgie smugglers and the life guard noticed the rather large bulge in my trunks and said it might upset some of the other swimmers.
I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't st himself".
I got thrown out once for peeing in the pool. The lifeguards blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in.I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't s
t himself".Sticks. said:
Shuvi McTupya said:
I was asked to leave the local swimming pool today because I was wearing a tight pair of budgie smugglers and the life guard noticed the rather large bulge in my trunks and said it might upset some of the other swimmers.
I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't st himself".
I got thrown out once for peeing in the pool. The lifeguards blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in.I pointed out another guy with similar trunks & asked why he was not asked to leave.
They replied "because he hasn't s
t himself".When I got there, as we discussed it I said "lots of kids wee in the water" to which he replied "not usually off the top board sir".
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff