I'm struggling here, help.
Discussion
I'm not having a good time at the moment.
Last year, my wife and I had 2 failed IVFs, my younger sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and died at Christmas and I was made redundant at work.
I now have a new job but my sister's death had a big impact on my parents and my father subsequently had a heart attack and died last week after four weeks in intensive care.
The main issue I have is I'm struggling to cope with my Dad's wife, who was obnoxious before and is completely intolerable now. Obviously she is the only one allowed to be upset as my Dad was the only person in the world that would put up with her and now she is alone.
I've spent the past month driving her around, buying her lunches and generally putting up with her vitriol to no gratitude whatsoever. She insists on controlling everything but needs help with it all. She's even taken to taunting me about the will in which everything was signed over to her allegedly.
I'm past caring about money but we still have the funeral to deal with. How much more crap should I have to take from her? My wife thinks I should put up with it all for another couple of weeks until the funeral is over. I'd agree but am really at the limit of my tolerance.
Oh well, that's my lot. I've had a few to drink and vented. It's been therapeutic. Thanks for listening. J.
Last year, my wife and I had 2 failed IVFs, my younger sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and died at Christmas and I was made redundant at work.
I now have a new job but my sister's death had a big impact on my parents and my father subsequently had a heart attack and died last week after four weeks in intensive care.
The main issue I have is I'm struggling to cope with my Dad's wife, who was obnoxious before and is completely intolerable now. Obviously she is the only one allowed to be upset as my Dad was the only person in the world that would put up with her and now she is alone.
I've spent the past month driving her around, buying her lunches and generally putting up with her vitriol to no gratitude whatsoever. She insists on controlling everything but needs help with it all. She's even taken to taunting me about the will in which everything was signed over to her allegedly.
I'm past caring about money but we still have the funeral to deal with. How much more crap should I have to take from her? My wife thinks I should put up with it all for another couple of weeks until the funeral is over. I'd agree but am really at the limit of my tolerance.
Oh well, that's my lot. I've had a few to drink and vented. It's been therapeutic. Thanks for listening. J.
toasty said:
I'm not having a good time at the moment.
Last year, my wife and I had 2 failed IVFs, my younger sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and died at Christmas and I was made redundant at work.
I now have a new job but my sister's death had a big impact on my parents and my father subsequently had a heart attack and died last week after four weeks in intensive care.
The main issue I have is I'm struggling to cope with my Dad's wife, who was obnoxious before and is completely intolerable now. Obviously she is the only one allowed to be upset as my Dad was the only person in the world that would put up with her and now she is alone.
I've spent the past month driving her around, buying her lunches and generally putting up with her vitriol to no gratitude whatsoever. She insists on controlling everything but needs help with it all. She's even taken to taunting me about the will in which everything was signed over to her allegedly.
I'm past caring about money but we still have the funeral to deal with. How much more crap should I have to take from her? My wife thinks I should put up with it all for another couple of weeks until the funeral is over. I'd agree but am really at the limit of my tolerance.
Oh well, that's my lot. I've had a few to drink and vented. It's been therapeutic. Thanks for listening. J.
I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I can express my sympathy and hope you get through this difficult time.Last year, my wife and I had 2 failed IVFs, my younger sister was diagnosed with lung cancer and died at Christmas and I was made redundant at work.
I now have a new job but my sister's death had a big impact on my parents and my father subsequently had a heart attack and died last week after four weeks in intensive care.
The main issue I have is I'm struggling to cope with my Dad's wife, who was obnoxious before and is completely intolerable now. Obviously she is the only one allowed to be upset as my Dad was the only person in the world that would put up with her and now she is alone.
I've spent the past month driving her around, buying her lunches and generally putting up with her vitriol to no gratitude whatsoever. She insists on controlling everything but needs help with it all. She's even taken to taunting me about the will in which everything was signed over to her allegedly.
I'm past caring about money but we still have the funeral to deal with. How much more crap should I have to take from her? My wife thinks I should put up with it all for another couple of weeks until the funeral is over. I'd agree but am really at the limit of my tolerance.
Oh well, that's my lot. I've had a few to drink and vented. It's been therapeutic. Thanks for listening. J.
My only suggestion would be to consider what your Dad would have wanted, which would probably be to put up with things until after the funeral, then you can move on after that.
Life is too short to put up with anyone who brings nothing positive to your interactions. I certainly wouldn't be putting up with being taunted who the f
k does she think she is. Think I'd be having a very short conversation telling her straight how obnoxious she's been and that you are done and walk away. Let her sort things out on her own. Go to the funeral celebrate your dads life and get on with your own in peace.
k does she think she is. Think I'd be having a very short conversation telling her straight how obnoxious she's been and that you are done and walk away. Let her sort things out on her own. Go to the funeral celebrate your dads life and get on with your own in peace.Edited by elanfan on Friday 21st April 22:56
Tough times, thoughts go to you chap.
Maybe she's hurting also and dealing with it in her own way, grief is a strange thing indeed.
Maybe stick with it in the lead up to the funeral, just suck it all up and tell yourself you're doing it for your dad.
And after that, if things don't improve then gently cut the contacts and leave her to her own devices.
Maybe she's hurting also and dealing with it in her own way, grief is a strange thing indeed.
Maybe stick with it in the lead up to the funeral, just suck it all up and tell yourself you're doing it for your dad.
And after that, if things don't improve then gently cut the contacts and leave her to her own devices.
Sorry to hear about your IVF issues, sister, dad and redundancy; so much st to happen in a relatively short space of time.
I can kind of relate to your stepmum issues as I went through a similar thing when my dad died on Christmas eve 2014.
After my mum and dad split, my dad got back in touch with an old school flame, eventually she moved in and they married, myself and the wife welcomed her into the family, however my sister and her husband were more cautious (they never liked her; in fact they despised her).
I only lived two roads away from my dad, saw him regularly and dealt with the fallout from my mum leaving; myself and my dad were very close, as was the wife and my daughters (his grandkids), as my sister lived further away she saw less of him.
The woman who my dad married was very good to my side and she became a second mum and in some respects I was closer to her than my actual mum and my daughters were very close to her too, there were issues with her (not related to us) and over time we found she was very self centred and she pushed my dad away from my sister however my side kind of were blinked to it, I think for the sake of my dad, there were issues with the two of them and I know for a fact that she made him choose between her and my sister on a couple of occasions.
When my dad died things became hard and she started to lie and keep things to herself, after a period of six months after the funeral we had a massive falling out as she wasn't telling us anything about what was happening, however I did know what was/wasn't going on as she would speak to others about it and it would get back to me but she wouldn't speak to me directly.
I became almost depressed and I was horrible to live with as I wasn't being told anything and she wasn't willing to discuss anything, because I called her out and confronted her she effectively shut me out, we didn't speak for a few months and my health greatly improved as I wasn't worrying about her, my mum thinks I was carrying this womans grief aswell as mine and my families and the time without seeing her lifted that burden from me, this woman is very self centred and it always had to be about her but being the nice person that I am I worried about her but to the detriment of myself.
There was no official will but there was something written down and this woman also told both myself and my site that my dad's wishes would be carried out; she was to be housed from the proceeds of the house sale and any left over would be split between my sister and I.
It took this woman almost 2 years to have my dad's ashes interned where he wanted them to be; she had charge of them during this time I was stressed as she wasn't carrying out my dad's wishes to have his ashes where he wanted them, I didn't go to the internment as I was worried sick about seeing her.
A week after the internment I received a solicitors letter stating that everything was hers and basically it was a big fk off to myself and my sister.
There was more but the above is the gist, I could actually go on for pages.
My advice would be to get the funeral out of the way and then have zero contact with this woman, cut her out of your life immediately after the funeral she sounds exactly like the woman who my dad married, I wasted almost 2 years worrying about things after my dad died and it almost ruined me, don't let it happen to you, people like that will always blame someone else and will always be negative and it will always be someone else's fault, they will never sit back and think "you know what, maybe it always happens to me because it's me", they suck everything out of you for them and they will never change, don't let her do this to you.
Take care and look after yourself and your family first.
t to happen in a relatively short space of time.I can kind of relate to your stepmum issues as I went through a similar thing when my dad died on Christmas eve 2014.
After my mum and dad split, my dad got back in touch with an old school flame, eventually she moved in and they married, myself and the wife welcomed her into the family, however my sister and her husband were more cautious (they never liked her; in fact they despised her).
I only lived two roads away from my dad, saw him regularly and dealt with the fallout from my mum leaving; myself and my dad were very close, as was the wife and my daughters (his grandkids), as my sister lived further away she saw less of him.
The woman who my dad married was very good to my side and she became a second mum and in some respects I was closer to her than my actual mum and my daughters were very close to her too, there were issues with her (not related to us) and over time we found she was very self centred and she pushed my dad away from my sister however my side kind of were blinked to it, I think for the sake of my dad, there were issues with the two of them and I know for a fact that she made him choose between her and my sister on a couple of occasions.
When my dad died things became hard and she started to lie and keep things to herself, after a period of six months after the funeral we had a massive falling out as she wasn't telling us anything about what was happening, however I did know what was/wasn't going on as she would speak to others about it and it would get back to me but she wouldn't speak to me directly.
I became almost depressed and I was horrible to live with as I wasn't being told anything and she wasn't willing to discuss anything, because I called her out and confronted her she effectively shut me out, we didn't speak for a few months and my health greatly improved as I wasn't worrying about her, my mum thinks I was carrying this womans grief aswell as mine and my families and the time without seeing her lifted that burden from me, this woman is very self centred and it always had to be about her but being the nice person that I am I worried about her but to the detriment of myself.
There was no official will but there was something written down and this woman also told both myself and my site that my dad's wishes would be carried out; she was to be housed from the proceeds of the house sale and any left over would be split between my sister and I.
It took this woman almost 2 years to have my dad's ashes interned where he wanted them to be; she had charge of them during this time I was stressed as she wasn't carrying out my dad's wishes to have his ashes where he wanted them, I didn't go to the internment as I was worried sick about seeing her.
A week after the internment I received a solicitors letter stating that everything was hers and basically it was a big f
k off to myself and my sister.There was more but the above is the gist, I could actually go on for pages.
My advice would be to get the funeral out of the way and then have zero contact with this woman, cut her out of your life immediately after the funeral she sounds exactly like the woman who my dad married, I wasted almost 2 years worrying about things after my dad died and it almost ruined me, don't let it happen to you, people like that will always blame someone else and will always be negative and it will always be someone else's fault, they will never sit back and think "you know what, maybe it always happens to me because it's me", they suck everything out of you for them and they will never change, don't let her do this to you.
Take care and look after yourself and your family first.
Edited by HTP99 on Friday 21st April 23:45
Edited by HTP99 on Friday 21st April 23:46
Tough times, Loss of a loved one is rough (regardless of relation/relationship).
I have experienced multiple losses –my father died when I was twelve, and my sister died when she was 30 – three days after the birth of her first child.
I was twelve when my old boy dropped of his twig (1975) and that took me almost a decade to compensate for. When my sister died in 2003, only thirty, it was inconceivable (she was so young) and that took at least five years to get over.
Everybody deals with things differently, concentrate on your emotions, it is your loss first and foremost, but be mindful that other people are upset as well.
As difficult as it is, cut her some slack, she is dealing with her emotions.
I am sorry to hear your story, and wish you the best.
I have experienced multiple losses –my father died when I was twelve, and my sister died when she was 30 – three days after the birth of her first child.
I was twelve when my old boy dropped of his twig (1975) and that took me almost a decade to compensate for. When my sister died in 2003, only thirty, it was inconceivable (she was so young) and that took at least five years to get over.
Everybody deals with things differently, concentrate on your emotions, it is your loss first and foremost, but be mindful that other people are upset as well.
As difficult as it is, cut her some slack, she is dealing with her emotions.
I am sorry to hear your story, and wish you the best.
On limited info it reads like you are in a vunerable position and still allow her access to your life whilst you are at a low ebb or in shock whilst you process this. I would recommend disentangling her from your life for your sanity. It sounds(?) as though she doesn't have any good will towards you.
Be polite, decorum but look after yourself in this situation.
All the best.
Be polite, decorum but look after yourself in this situation.
All the best.
Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and advice.
HTP99 and Kilty2, your posts sounds all too familiar. I'm glad it's all relatively in the past for you now.
As suggested, I'll keep going until the funeral is over (10 days to go) and then ignore her as much as possible. I really don't need the hassle.
Some good advice, a bit of sleep and a blue sky morning and I'm feeling a lot less wound up now. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. J.
HTP99 and Kilty2, your posts sounds all too familiar. I'm glad it's all relatively in the past for you now.
As suggested, I'll keep going until the funeral is over (10 days to go) and then ignore her as much as possible. I really don't need the hassle.
Some good advice, a bit of sleep and a blue sky morning and I'm feeling a lot less wound up now. Thanks for letting me get it off my chest. J.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Christ, you've lost your dad and sister, the last thing you need is some miserable bint you aren't even related to dragging you further down. Get thru the funeral and tell her to sling her hook.
Absolutely agree. So sorry for your losses toasty, I wish you all the best.
Sounds like you've had a st time 
On the will front isn't it quite normal for money and assets to pass from one married partner to another? My FIL died about 9 month ago and we didn't expect any money in the will, it went to my MIL
Unless your father told you differently then thats what I would expect to happen.
t time On the will front isn't it quite normal for money and assets to pass from one married partner to another? My FIL died about 9 month ago and we didn't expect any money in the will, it went to my MIL
Unless your father told you differently then thats what I would expect to happen.
98elise said:
Sounds like you've had a st time
On the will front isn't it quite normal for money and assets to pass from one married partner to another? My FIL died about 9 month ago and we didn't expect any money in the will, it went to my MIL
Unless your father told you differently then thats what I would expect to happen.
I get the feeling this is not toasty's mother (second wife?) so it's slightly different scenario from the norm.t time On the will front isn't it quite normal for money and assets to pass from one married partner to another? My FIL died about 9 month ago and we didn't expect any money in the will, it went to my MIL
Unless your father told you differently then thats what I would expect to happen.
garyhun said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Christ, you've lost your dad and sister, the last thing you need is some miserable bint you aren't even related to dragging you further down. Get thru the funeral and tell her to sling her hook.
Absolutely agree. So sorry for your losses toasty, I wish you all the best.
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