I'm struggling here, help.
Discussion
98elise said:
Sounds like you've had a s
t time 
On the will front isn't it quite normal for money and assets to pass from one married partner to another? My FIL died about 9 month ago and we didn't expect any money in the will, it went to my MIL
Unless your father told you differently then thats what I would expect to happen.
Pretty much this, the house automatically went to my dads widow and no matter what a will would have said it would have gone to her anyway, possessions are different I believe as it can be specified in a will that xyz goes to abc, however in my dad's case he died intestate so she got everything.t time On the will front isn't it quite normal for money and assets to pass from one married partner to another? My FIL died about 9 month ago and we didn't expect any money in the will, it went to my MIL
Unless your father told you differently then thats what I would expect to happen.
My dad did make a will, of sorts but it wasn't legal and he set out what he wanted to happen to proceeds of the house sale with regards to myself and my sister and the woman told us she would carry out what he wanted, however she hasn't done it and I don't think that she will.
As for possessions and momentos, until we had the bust up we got a few things out but as soon as it all went sour she closed down and wouldn't let us into the house; the house that she lived in for only 9 years, the house that myself and my sister grew up in, things were chucked that were my grandads, a person that she had never met.
It took me a year to get the family cygnet ring and china from her.
mondeoman said:
Head down, get through the funeral, then leave her to it.
Some people you just need to stay away from, they are poisonous.
My advice too. If a person causes you grief and you have no actual reason to be in contact with them - leave them to their own devices. Life is tough enough without selfish people making it worse for you.Some people you just need to stay away from, they are poisonous.
Try to have minimal contact with her until the funeral, and as soon as that has finished tell her to go get stuffed.
I don't really see quite why you have to run her around, 'buy her lunches' and listen to all her other malicious drivel at the moment actually.
Is it really necessary for you to do it?
I don't really see quite why you have to run her around, 'buy her lunches' and listen to all her other malicious drivel at the moment actually.
Is it really necessary for you to do it?
Just to add an alternative view, this woman has just lost her partner. That doesn't mean she can act however she wants but it could be she doesn't know how to behave, has been used to acting like this and can't see any different way. You could be her last link to him, you could also remind her of him, cutting her out could be very cruel.
If it is impacting you that much then you may have no choice but to cut her out, I'd be very tempted in your position. Perhaps sit down with her first and try and sort out a way of getting along - if just for the funeral and nothing else. She may put down her defences and be easier to deal with - she may just make out it is all you, which will make walking away easier.
On the will side, I agree with others that unless you are specifically named then you are unlikely to get anything - unless he was a Scottish domicile, you would then have an automatic right I think to 1/6 of estate excluding the house. I'm no expert though, just what I've read on t'web.
Tough times, I hope you and your family find a way through this.
If it is impacting you that much then you may have no choice but to cut her out, I'd be very tempted in your position. Perhaps sit down with her first and try and sort out a way of getting along - if just for the funeral and nothing else. She may put down her defences and be easier to deal with - she may just make out it is all you, which will make walking away easier.
On the will side, I agree with others that unless you are specifically named then you are unlikely to get anything - unless he was a Scottish domicile, you would then have an automatic right I think to 1/6 of estate excluding the house. I'm no expert though, just what I've read on t'web.
Tough times, I hope you and your family find a way through this.
mondeoman said:
Head down, get through the funeral, then leave her to it.
Some people you just need to stay away from, they are poisonous.
This gets my vote as well!Some people you just need to stay away from, they are poisonous.
You have been through a heck of a lot, you should not have to put up with toxic people in your life. There is light further out there, you will get there, but the road to it is not the easiest! Be there for your wife, and she will be there for you. Keep your chin up!
OP: I'm sorry for your loss. Funeral and your family first, then a BIG "FRO" to her.
My step-mum has been with my Dad since 1976. I was 6 then. She's been pivotal in me losing touch with my Dad twice in that time, and at critical times in my life, too. One of those periods was for more than 5 years between 1995-2000. I doubt she'll even tell me as/when my Dad pops his clogs as she didn't tell me a few times Dad had been hospitalised with illness and I've not spoken to them for more than a year.
When Dad goes, I want NOTHING to do with her. With the exception of some photos Dad has of my brothers and me from 1964-1975, she can keep everything he has/had. I don't want a penny from him or her.
HTP99 said:
...../snip/....
My advice would be to get the funeral out of the way and then have zero contact with this woman, cut her out of your life immediately after the funeral she sounds exactly like the woman who my dad married, I wasted almost 2 years worrying about things after my dad died and it almost ruined me, don't let it happen to you, people like that will always blame someone else and will always be negative and it will always be someone else's fault, they will never sit back and think "you know what, maybe it always happens to me because it's me", they suck everything out of you for them and they will never change, don't let her do this to you.
Take care and look after yourself and your family first.
^^^ This. Very much.My advice would be to get the funeral out of the way and then have zero contact with this woman, cut her out of your life immediately after the funeral she sounds exactly like the woman who my dad married, I wasted almost 2 years worrying about things after my dad died and it almost ruined me, don't let it happen to you, people like that will always blame someone else and will always be negative and it will always be someone else's fault, they will never sit back and think "you know what, maybe it always happens to me because it's me", they suck everything out of you for them and they will never change, don't let her do this to you.
Take care and look after yourself and your family first.
My step-mum has been with my Dad since 1976. I was 6 then. She's been pivotal in me losing touch with my Dad twice in that time, and at critical times in my life, too. One of those periods was for more than 5 years between 1995-2000. I doubt she'll even tell me as/when my Dad pops his clogs as she didn't tell me a few times Dad had been hospitalised with illness and I've not spoken to them for more than a year.
When Dad goes, I want NOTHING to do with her. With the exception of some photos Dad has of my brothers and me from 1964-1975, she can keep everything he has/had. I don't want a penny from him or her.
Thanks all for your advice and support.
My OH persuaded me to go and meet face to face with her at the weekend but I couldn't retain my composure and ended up giving her an earful.
She moved the grave plot the next day from beside my sister (Dad's wishes) to another part of the burial ground so that she can be buried with my Dad and not be near my sister as they didn't get on either.
I'm tired of all this ill feeling and just want to say goodbye to my Dad in peace and move on.
We'll behave at the funeral, I'm sure. This time next week, it'll all be over.
My OH persuaded me to go and meet face to face with her at the weekend but I couldn't retain my composure and ended up giving her an earful.
She moved the grave plot the next day from beside my sister (Dad's wishes) to another part of the burial ground so that she can be buried with my Dad and not be near my sister as they didn't get on either.
I'm tired of all this ill feeling and just want to say goodbye to my Dad in peace and move on.
We'll behave at the funeral, I'm sure. This time next week, it'll all be over.
toasty said:
Thanks all for your advice and support.
My OH persuaded me to go and meet face to face with her at the weekend but I couldn't retain my composure and ended up giving her an earful.
She moved the grave plot the next day from beside my sister (Dad's wishes) to another part of the burial ground so that she can be buried with my Dad and not be near my sister as they didn't get on either.
Says it all doesn't it; the woman is poison and controlling; control is the only thing she has over you now, I've been on the receiving end of it.My OH persuaded me to go and meet face to face with her at the weekend but I couldn't retain my composure and ended up giving her an earful.
She moved the grave plot the next day from beside my sister (Dad's wishes) to another part of the burial ground so that she can be buried with my Dad and not be near my sister as they didn't get on either.
My dads final resting place wishes were for his ashes to be interned at Guildford Cathedral, the Cathedral was a special place for him as he had been a part of the community up there for almost 50 years, but there was nothing in writing to say that he wanted his ashes there, I knew he did as did the woman he married.
His funeral was Jan 2015, his ashes finally went there November 2016, I think it was me e-mailing her (we weren't speaking) when I know she had settled in her new place in the summer of 2016 after she finally sold the house in Dec 15/Jan 16 (myself and my sister weren't told about the sale, it was just done), she held on to them all that time and took them with her when she moved back to Devon, I was so worried and anxious that she would keep hold of them, never let them go and have them buried or interned with her when she died, in Devon.
The main thing is they are now where he wanted them to be, took a long time though.
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