Discussion
Huge condolences mate.
Lost my Mum 18 months ago, and I suffer what feels like physical pain from missing her at times. Right deep in my chest.
You sound like you had a wonderful relationship with him, which is very rare these days, so I would take a look of positives from that. I would like to think that he reflected on the wonderful relationship you guys shared to.
My Mum was my rock, my 'go to', and after suffering another life trauma recently, it was really tough knowing that I couldn't go and seek refuge and comfort with her.
I know words don't help, I've been there, reading stuff from strangers can strangely put you on a level, I know that. However, if you fancy a chat or some additional reading I did around coping with bereavement and grieving, then I'd happily try and help you. Just drop me a line.
Chin up buddy, you had a chance to experience a good relationship with your Dad, which some people don't. Stay Strong.
Lost my Mum 18 months ago, and I suffer what feels like physical pain from missing her at times. Right deep in my chest.
You sound like you had a wonderful relationship with him, which is very rare these days, so I would take a look of positives from that. I would like to think that he reflected on the wonderful relationship you guys shared to.
My Mum was my rock, my 'go to', and after suffering another life trauma recently, it was really tough knowing that I couldn't go and seek refuge and comfort with her.
I know words don't help, I've been there, reading stuff from strangers can strangely put you on a level, I know that. However, if you fancy a chat or some additional reading I did around coping with bereavement and grieving, then I'd happily try and help you. Just drop me a line.
Chin up buddy, you had a chance to experience a good relationship with your Dad, which some people don't. Stay Strong.
TheAngryDog said:
I get married on Friday, he was supposed to be there. He never got to see any of his kids get married and I know that he was looking forward to it immensely. I am looking forward to it but dreading it also, as I know I am going to miss him on the day. As the date gets closer I feel myself getting more upset about the fact. The only solace I get is that he knew I was getting married.
Others have already said a lot about loss and grieving in general. I just wondered if it was worth focusing on Friday because it's a big enough day without building up a sense of dread around your emotional state. Couple of things:-Is it worth just having a little private get-together with relevant close family members earlier in the day before the wedding just to have a big cry and a hug. That release might take a little of the pent-up upset out of the experience and help you feel better prepared.
-Lean on your best man a bit. It won't quite be the occasion you were originally planning but it shouldn't be a funeral either and your Dad wouldn't have wanted that. If your best man can acknowledge this, make the reference in his speech and relevant toast and -and then move on, maybe it won't feel like the elephant in the room. There'll be a lot of goodwill in the room and this will help you get through.
Hope this isn't overstepping the mark, but these things can really build-up in your head and a couple of practical preparations might help the day go better than you feared.
thanks everyone for your replies. I will reply properly time allowing, but I have appreciated every reply. Thank you also for the good wishes.
Ps, my fiancee is well aware of my feelings regarding Friday and my dad and has been nothing but supportive of me which just reaffirms why I am marrying her.
Ps, my fiancee is well aware of my feelings regarding Friday and my dad and has been nothing but supportive of me which just reaffirms why I am marrying her.
I sat in a hospital side room last night and held my old man's hand as he took his last breaths. I'm 56 and I've never watched anyone die before.
I had an awkward relationship with him in latter years. My mum died when I was 2, and he remarried when I was 5. They went on to have more kids, but he was never strong enough to hold the two "sides"of the family in equal standing, preferring instead to go down the "anything for a quiet life" route and let my stepmother dominate all decisions, almost inevitably in favour of her own flesh & blood. I could bore you for hours with the inequality of it all; some would sound petty, some would amaze you. Even today, there are revelations coming to light which I knew nothing about. I approached him time after time to get some answers, some reassurance, and he knocked me back every time.
I don't know how I feel right now. There is some relief I guess. There is considerable sadness. My sister sent me a picture this morning, which I've never seen before, of me and him on a beach when I must have been about 18 months old. Why she, who wasn't born until about 10 years after the picture was taken, had it and I didn't, I can't begin to understand. It's a beautiful picture. After a few minutes, I realised that it must have been taken by my mum. About the only thing I have with the three of us in it. That hurt quite a lot.
For some reason, as I sat with him in the hour or so before he died, Oasis' Half a World Away was playing on repeat in my head, as I looked at the clouds out of the window. Just listened to it now and it destroyed me.
Sorry, I'm hijacking a little, but I just need to talk. As if that were not bad enough, my MiL received a 6-9 month terminal diagnosis 10 months ago, and was admitted to hospital urgently today. They suspect sepsis. MrsC has gone to her, at my insistence, 80 miles away, so it's just me & the dogs here.
Isn't there a thread somewhere about how s
t life can be at times?
I had an awkward relationship with him in latter years. My mum died when I was 2, and he remarried when I was 5. They went on to have more kids, but he was never strong enough to hold the two "sides"of the family in equal standing, preferring instead to go down the "anything for a quiet life" route and let my stepmother dominate all decisions, almost inevitably in favour of her own flesh & blood. I could bore you for hours with the inequality of it all; some would sound petty, some would amaze you. Even today, there are revelations coming to light which I knew nothing about. I approached him time after time to get some answers, some reassurance, and he knocked me back every time.
I don't know how I feel right now. There is some relief I guess. There is considerable sadness. My sister sent me a picture this morning, which I've never seen before, of me and him on a beach when I must have been about 18 months old. Why she, who wasn't born until about 10 years after the picture was taken, had it and I didn't, I can't begin to understand. It's a beautiful picture. After a few minutes, I realised that it must have been taken by my mum. About the only thing I have with the three of us in it. That hurt quite a lot.
For some reason, as I sat with him in the hour or so before he died, Oasis' Half a World Away was playing on repeat in my head, as I looked at the clouds out of the window. Just listened to it now and it destroyed me.
Sorry, I'm hijacking a little, but I just need to talk. As if that were not bad enough, my MiL received a 6-9 month terminal diagnosis 10 months ago, and was admitted to hospital urgently today. They suspect sepsis. MrsC has gone to her, at my insistence, 80 miles away, so it's just me & the dogs here.
Isn't there a thread somewhere about how s
t life can be at times?With apologies to the OP, this is not about his own loss but the loss of one specific father.
The man who organised the proceedings for the return of deceased military personnel at Wootten Bassett was asked in an interview if he was ever affected by the great sadness of it all. He said that it was all part of his training and he had to set an example for the many who would be taking part, the bandsmen, the coffin bearers, the townspeople and everyone else involved including some very high ranking officers.
That was until the 105th man to be returned home. The organising officer made an exception and broke down.
A soldier had been killed in battle and his body was to be returned from Afghanistan, tragically the soldier had four small daughters. Some days before the plane was due the officer went to see the family to make sure that they were aware as to what was going to happen, where they would be standing and what would be expected of them. A car would be sent for them, and the girls were all to wear their best clothes, the youngest was 3 years old, the next just 5, the other two were 8 and 9, Mum had said be brave, do this for your father.
They arrived at the airfield, the plane was on approach, the band started playing, quite quiety, rows of officers stood waiting.
Mum and the girls lined up as the plane taxied towards them and came to a halt. The soldiers all saluted, all maintaining their composure.
As the coffin was lowered to the ground, there was now silence, that was until the little 5 year old girl dropped to the floor and said 'Daddy'.
Every man broke down.
The man who organised the proceedings for the return of deceased military personnel at Wootten Bassett was asked in an interview if he was ever affected by the great sadness of it all. He said that it was all part of his training and he had to set an example for the many who would be taking part, the bandsmen, the coffin bearers, the townspeople and everyone else involved including some very high ranking officers.
That was until the 105th man to be returned home. The organising officer made an exception and broke down.
A soldier had been killed in battle and his body was to be returned from Afghanistan, tragically the soldier had four small daughters. Some days before the plane was due the officer went to see the family to make sure that they were aware as to what was going to happen, where they would be standing and what would be expected of them. A car would be sent for them, and the girls were all to wear their best clothes, the youngest was 3 years old, the next just 5, the other two were 8 and 9, Mum had said be brave, do this for your father.
They arrived at the airfield, the plane was on approach, the band started playing, quite quiety, rows of officers stood waiting.
Mum and the girls lined up as the plane taxied towards them and came to a halt. The soldiers all saluted, all maintaining their composure.
As the coffin was lowered to the ground, there was now silence, that was until the little 5 year old girl dropped to the floor and said 'Daddy'.
Every man broke down.
Well I got married yesterday. It was a very happy day and I am sure that my dad was looking down.
I had a few moments during the day. My best man performed a toast to my dad during his speech and at the end of the night my brother, best man and I had a slug of whisky in memory of my dad while stood in front of his photo.
Today has been different. I've felt quite upset at times knowing what he missed yesterday, all while in a dusty room. I am both happy and sad today.
I had a few moments during the day. My best man performed a toast to my dad during his speech and at the end of the night my brother, best man and I had a slug of whisky in memory of my dad while stood in front of his photo.
Today has been different. I've felt quite upset at times knowing what he missed yesterday, all while in a dusty room. I am both happy and sad today.
I feel for you. Lost my dad when I was 18, then my mum three years later.
I got married (twice, to same woman, in three months - long story) and similar to you felt mixed, but raw, emotions.
Now, two kids down the line, I still miss them, and am infinitely sad they will never hold my children,
st.
I got married (twice, to same woman, in three months - long story) and similar to you felt mixed, but raw, emotions.
Now, two kids down the line, I still miss them, and am infinitely sad they will never hold my children,
s
t. I won't say I know how you feel as I believe this is incredibly personal.
My dad died 6 years ago now, a week before my 27th Birthday. My wife and I were engaged to be married in the October, 4 months later.
It was all very surreal, he had a heart attack and collapsed in work on the Friday, and unfortunately suffered catastrophic damage due to lack of oxygen, it took them 40 minutes to get his heart restarted. We turned off the life support on the Monday as he had zero brain function, and was just fitting. It wasn't a great experience.
The one grace in it all was, he knew nothing about it. He watched his dad sucomb to cancer over a 2 year period and it was horrific.
Not a day goes by I don't think of him, and I'm gutted my children will never know him. He would have loved them.
I think the only advice I can give you is that it doesn't really become easy, it just becomes something you learn to accept and cope with. It hasn't been long for you yet, there is nothing wrong with it being tough still.
Do not be 'the big I am' and refuse the chance to talk to people. I didn't grieve his death for several years - that's another story - and it hit my like a freight train one day.
Look for help, talk to people, there is zero shame on crying or seeking support.
My dad died 6 years ago now, a week before my 27th Birthday. My wife and I were engaged to be married in the October, 4 months later.
It was all very surreal, he had a heart attack and collapsed in work on the Friday, and unfortunately suffered catastrophic damage due to lack of oxygen, it took them 40 minutes to get his heart restarted. We turned off the life support on the Monday as he had zero brain function, and was just fitting. It wasn't a great experience.
The one grace in it all was, he knew nothing about it. He watched his dad sucomb to cancer over a 2 year period and it was horrific.
Not a day goes by I don't think of him, and I'm gutted my children will never know him. He would have loved them.
I think the only advice I can give you is that it doesn't really become easy, it just becomes something you learn to accept and cope with. It hasn't been long for you yet, there is nothing wrong with it being tough still.
Do not be 'the big I am' and refuse the chance to talk to people. I didn't grieve his death for several years - that's another story - and it hit my like a freight train one day.
Look for help, talk to people, there is zero shame on crying or seeking support.
My mother died two years ago after a few months with lung cancer. Was during a pretty busy time at work too where I was sent to do some work in Liverpool, even though I did everything I could not to go with everything that was happening. Then on the way home I got the text of my brother saying the Doctor had phoned wanting us to all go to the hospital. Fearing the worst I did a journey time from just outside Liverpool to Swansea that isn't legally possible to get to see her. The doctor said she didn't have long left, maybe a few days. Spent a few hours with her and while I wanted to make the most of our last moments, it was also heart breaking to see the strongest person I've known at the end. My regret is not seeing her enough over the illness. My brother took a sabbatical to look after her but in some ways that was more heartbreaking, seeing her getting worse every day. This would be the last time I saw her.
A few days later I got a call at 6am saying she'd passed. But before I could even process what I'd just been told, the hospital wanted to know there and then when we were coming up to collect her belongings. They don't care about grieving time and just want you out of there. Just another number and another bed to free up. So my main emotion was anger. Anger at how heartless the hospital had been, how they hadn't done enough, just palmed us all of with palliative care which basically means we'll pump her full of morphine until her body gives up which is what happened in the end. Because of it I felt an emotional wall in my head where a lot of emotion was blocked off and I went into managing the situation for my Dad and brother who now had lots to deal with.
I'd always say my Dad is a strong person too, ex army and a steel worker for 20 years but losing her was hard on him. First time I ever saw him cry and I wanted him to grieve for as long as he needed to. Everyone grieves in different ways and there is no right or wrong way of doing it, despite what people tell you. First thing I told them was to make sure that we manage this between ourselves as I predicted that once the funeral was over we'd be lucky if 80% of the people there would bother with us again so we had to be self-sufficient. We got all her affairs in order and sorted out a simple cremation for her as they've never had that much money, something that annoyed some of her family members. Sure enough as soon as the funeral was over and the moving on process could start, a lot of people stopped seeing Dad, apart from one cousin and his kids who I spend lots of time with the rest of that side of the family don't bother with us. Loads of her friends are the same.
I still find myself asking at tough spots in life what would my mother do here and often imagine how the conversation would go. I'm not that emotional but definitely have moments where I weep a bit, sometimes it's triggered by watching something on TV or a familiar smell. Even writing this I fell it but in a weird way it's good to get it out. That's been my main change. The hole is always there and while it does fill up a bit over time it still hurts when I fall into it.
A few days later I got a call at 6am saying she'd passed. But before I could even process what I'd just been told, the hospital wanted to know there and then when we were coming up to collect her belongings. They don't care about grieving time and just want you out of there. Just another number and another bed to free up. So my main emotion was anger. Anger at how heartless the hospital had been, how they hadn't done enough, just palmed us all of with palliative care which basically means we'll pump her full of morphine until her body gives up which is what happened in the end. Because of it I felt an emotional wall in my head where a lot of emotion was blocked off and I went into managing the situation for my Dad and brother who now had lots to deal with.
I'd always say my Dad is a strong person too, ex army and a steel worker for 20 years but losing her was hard on him. First time I ever saw him cry and I wanted him to grieve for as long as he needed to. Everyone grieves in different ways and there is no right or wrong way of doing it, despite what people tell you. First thing I told them was to make sure that we manage this between ourselves as I predicted that once the funeral was over we'd be lucky if 80% of the people there would bother with us again so we had to be self-sufficient. We got all her affairs in order and sorted out a simple cremation for her as they've never had that much money, something that annoyed some of her family members. Sure enough as soon as the funeral was over and the moving on process could start, a lot of people stopped seeing Dad, apart from one cousin and his kids who I spend lots of time with the rest of that side of the family don't bother with us. Loads of her friends are the same.
I still find myself asking at tough spots in life what would my mother do here and often imagine how the conversation would go. I'm not that emotional but definitely have moments where I weep a bit, sometimes it's triggered by watching something on TV or a familiar smell. Even writing this I fell it but in a weird way it's good to get it out. That's been my main change. The hole is always there and while it does fill up a bit over time it still hurts when I fall into it.
My mum passed away 3 and a half years back and even yesterday I thought, if only for a moment I must call Mum..... I'm the youngest of 3 and hit 50 last year, Dad is 84 and always worked nights to pay the bills so Mum bought me up, we were really good mates, never had a secret and discussed pretty much everything, she was the linchpin in the Woods family, when Mum called over we went, the Guv'nor you might say, she had her first heart attack at 27 and had open heart surgery twice, how she made old bones we have no idea, she was late 70's when she passed away. Dad is 84 now and a lost soul - I dont quite know when it does get better because it has not for me, I had a stty divorce a couple of years back and needed Mum's help, when the Ex said the kids did not want to see me because I had an affair it pretty much finished me, tell me how does an 8 and 10 year old know what an affair means? - I'm seeing my lad tonight for an hour but not seen my daughter for 9 months now - Mum would have sorted this out that's for sure!!!!
Stay Strong
tty divorce a couple of years back and needed Mum's help, when the Ex said the kids did not want to see me because I had an affair it pretty much finished me, tell me how does an 8 and 10 year old know what an affair means? - I'm seeing my lad tonight for an hour but not seen my daughter for 9 months now - Mum would have sorted this out that's for sure!!!!Stay Strong
Mum went 7 months ago, to bowel cancer. Unfortunately that was the day I lost my dad in spirit as well, 62 years together and no matter what we try he is totally and utterly broken. Although I can spend time with him, I actually feel I'm grieving more for effectively losing him, that I am for the death of mum. He's beat cancer recently and couldn't care less, despite kids and grandchildren, heart breaking to see.
Edited by sjc on Friday 2nd June 14:35
sjc said:
Mum went 7 months ago, to bowel cancer. Unfortunately. that was the day I lost my dad in spirit as well, 62 years together and no matter what we try he is totally and utterly broken. Although I can spend time with, I actually feel I'm grieving more for effectively losing him, that I am for the death of mum. He's beat cancer recently and couldn't care less, despite kids and grandchildren, heart breaking to see.
Sadly I too could be penning these very words.....That's odd there's something coming out of my eyes......
Soov330e said:
Mate
Sorry about your Dad, man.
My Dad passed away nearly ten years ago. I still miss him.
Sometimes when me and my son (4) are out and about I do think "Dad would have loved this".
It never goes away, but it does get easier.
Three months is nothing. Hang in there.
And know this - he is at peace, and you will see him again.
The post you made when your Dad passed was one of those which had sufficient impact that i still remember it to this day and think about it when i think about the fact that one day i will have to deal with the death of my own father. Slightly tempered by the fact that the entire family (including him) has no idea how the hell he has survived this long - sure as hell has lived this quote:-Sorry about your Dad, man.
My Dad passed away nearly ten years ago. I still miss him.
Sometimes when me and my son (4) are out and about I do think "Dad would have loved this".
It never goes away, but it does get easier.
Three months is nothing. Hang in there.
And know this - he is at peace, and you will see him again.
“Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!" I hope i can live up to his legacy!
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