Cringeworthy things

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xjay1337

15,966 posts

117 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
Ari said:
C0ffin D0dger said:
Nearly spat my coffee over the monitor laugh
To be honest, I always cringe a bit when someone writes this because, no you didn't, no one sits there with a mouth full of coffee for minutes on end, just looking for something funny to nearly spit it over their monitor.

And it has surely become the most unoriginal way to say 'I found that very amusing' ever invented.
laugh true.

I have something that was really cringeworthy, I was about 15 or 16 and my friend who had came out as gay came round and we played an online game on the PC involving guns and soldiers.

My Mum came upstairs into my room and asked us if we wanted anything to eat or drink etc. Somehow, and I'm not quite sure how, the conversation turned towards relationships and my Mum asked if my friend was seeing anyone. He said no as he was gay, and my Mum chirps up and goes "There's nothing wrong with a bit of willy!" and starts going on about her dildo and asked if my friend wanted to borrow it.

Needless to say my friend didn't come round again.


PurpleAki

1,601 posts

86 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
Ari said:
C0ffin D0dger said:
Nearly spat my coffee over the monitor laugh
To be honest, I always cringe a bit when someone writes this because, no you didn't, no one sits there with a mouth full of coffee for minutes on end, just looking for something funny to nearly spit it over their monitor.

And it has surely become the most unoriginal way to say 'I found that very amusing' ever invented.
Please add the following to the list:-

Oof, I did a sex wee (on seeing a pic of a nice car).

That will polish out/Bit of T-Cut (on seeing a pic of a car smashed to pieces).

Cognitive dissonance (the phrase of choice for fkwits in politics threads).

FerdiZ28

1,355 posts

133 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
When I was about 18 and had been driving about 6 months my mate used to come round on a Saturday with his car and we'd have some "car time".

Exciting machines at the time, mine a 1.6 306 Rapier and his a 1.3 Ka, we'd get the pressure washer out and wash the motors, swap minidiscs and then more often than not drive to either Lakeside or a Max Power-esque chav place in Harlow (name escapes me, near water garden, now closed).

Anyhoo, mate would get to ours about midday and on occasion bring some lunch to eat. Known him years and was like one of the family so on this occasion hed gone into the house half way through the wash process and put his Rustlers microwave burger in.

Came out white as a sheet, only told me why later on, but not before my mum had filled me in. Mum had been getting ready to go out somewhere upstairs and having seen our cars in their usual suddy state on the drive, had clocked mate' presence. What transpired next still makes me cringe. She had smelt the burger being nuked and mistaken it for one of the Westies defecating on the carpet, a passtime they had got good at of late, one of them severely in his dotage. Assuming son and mate were still outside, elected to run downstairs wearing only bottoms in the hope of being able to pick up the deposit and launch it into the garden to avoid embarrassment.

You can guess the outcome, normally timid friend just about to tuck into the goodness of a piping hot burger confronted with my mum at the bottom of the stairs in the untoward, the latter then quickly retreating upstairs.

Still makes me cringe.

BlackLabel

13,251 posts

122 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
PurpleAki said:
Scott Alexander
That was a great thread.

SirSquidalot

4,039 posts

164 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
A lad I went to school with was known for being a druggy. Anyway one day he comes home baked and fancies a date with Mrs Palm and her 5 Daughters. Only being a little drugged up he spices it up by using his mums marigolds and some hand soap. She comes home to find her drugged up son passed out, trousers around ankles in a soapy mess with his knob in hand laugh

Colonial

13,553 posts

204 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
Funkycoldribena said:
Went round a mates,wasnt sure if anyone was home so for some reason looked through the cat flap.
The image has haunted me for life.
Quietly slipped away and rang him from around the corner and asked him what he was up to...
So you went around to a friends place, didn't think of knocking, peeked through an opening in a doorway, and your mate is the one with the problem?

vixen1700

22,669 posts

269 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
PurpleAki said:
Ari said:
C0ffin D0dger said:
Nearly spat my coffee over the monitor laugh
To be honest, I always cringe a bit when someone writes this because, no you didn't, no one sits there with a mouth full of coffee for minutes on end, just looking for something funny to nearly spit it over their monitor.

And it has surely become the most unoriginal way to say 'I found that very amusing' ever invented.
Please add the following to the list:-

Oof, I did a sex wee (on seeing a pic of a nice car).

That will polish out/Bit of T-Cut (on seeing a pic of a car smashed to pieces).

Cognitive dissonance (the phrase of choice for fkwits in politics threads).
"Pics?" When a female is mentioned in a thread.

That 'sex wee' one really irks though, do people not think when typing that? frown



berlintaxi

8,535 posts

172 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
vixen1700 said:
PurpleAki said:
Ari said:
C0ffin D0dger said:
Nearly spat my coffee over the monitor laugh
To be honest, I always cringe a bit when someone writes this because, no you didn't, no one sits there with a mouth full of coffee for minutes on end, just looking for something funny to nearly spit it over their monitor.

And it has surely become the most unoriginal way to say 'I found that very amusing' ever invented.
Please add the following to the list:-

Oof, I did a sex wee (on seeing a pic of a nice car).

That will polish out/Bit of T-Cut (on seeing a pic of a car smashed to pieces).

Cognitive dissonance (the phrase of choice for fkwits in politics threads).
"Pics?" When a female is mentioned in a thread.

That 'sex wee' one really irks though, do people not think when typing that? frown
You can add "pull the trigger on", usually describing buying a car or watch.

vtecyo

2,122 posts

128 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
I followed a Lexus ISdreary with the numberplate "K155 PRO" yesterday.

Tragic.

Nezquick

1,453 posts

125 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
A few of us walked round to my mates house when we were about 18/19 or so to collect him to go out for a few beers.

We get to his house and knock on the door. No answer. We go around the back to see if we can see through the window to see if he's in. We get round the back of the house and peer through the window to be confronted with our mate on the couch naked, stiffy in hand with a bluey playing at full volume on the TV in the lounge.

Cue much laughing, banging on the window etc and my mate hurriedly trying to get into his clothes and turn off the film.

He finally comes to the door, very flustered as you'd expect. My mate asks him if he's coming out for a few beers whilst trying not to laugh. "No, i'm not coming out today boys".

"Oh come on......don't be a wker"

can't remember

1,077 posts

127 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
berlintaxi said:
vixen1700 said:
PurpleAki said:
Ari said:
C0ffin D0dger said:
Nearly spat my coffee over the monitor laugh
To be honest, I always cringe a bit when someone writes this because, no you didn't, no one sits there with a mouth full of coffee for minutes on end, just looking for something funny to nearly spit it over their monitor.

And it has surely become the most unoriginal way to say 'I found that very amusing' ever invented.
Please add the following to the list:-

Oof, I did a sex wee (on seeing a pic of a nice car).



That will polish out/Bit of T-Cut (on seeing a pic of a car smashed to pieces).

Cognitive dissonance (the phrase of choice for fkwits in politics threads).
"Pics?" When a female is mentioned in a thread.

That 'sex wee' one really irks though, do people not think when typing that? frown
You can add "pull the trigger on", usually describing buying a car or watch.
'Snowflake.' Not sure if it's a cringe or weary sigh moment but nothing confirms my opinion of someone more than them using snowflake as an insult rather than as a meteorological term.

Europa1

10,923 posts

187 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
vixen1700 said:
"Pics?" When a female is mentioned in a thread.
Many of the responses when a female is mentioned in a thread I find a bit cringeworthy. And no, I am not a "snowflake", "libtard", SJW or any of the other current put-downs du jour.

Joratk

432 posts

109 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
Most the blokes who post in the "council" thread acting as though they are something tend to make me cringe quite a bit.

SirSquidalot

4,039 posts

164 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
vixen1700 said:
"Pics?" When a female is mentioned in a thread.
You should be a member of the MX5Nutz facebook group. When a female posts something MX5 related a guranteed 10 blokes will start arse kissing. So cringe!

easytiger123

2,591 posts

208 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
I saw the cringe bingo full-house yesterday. Fat bald bloke with a pony tail driving a Range Rove Evoque convertible with the roof down. Number plate N RO81N with that exact spacing. Sadly I was in a taxi and unable to hear what song was on his stereo.

schmunk

4,399 posts

124 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
easytiger123 said:
I saw the cringe bingo full-house yesterday. Fat bald bloke with a pony tail driving a Range Rove Evoque convertible with the roof down. Number plate N RO81N with that exact spacing. Sadly I was in a taxi and unable to hear what song was on his stereo.
Something by the Jackson 5?

Ari

19,328 posts

214 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
vixen1700 said:
PurpleAki said:
Ari said:
C0ffin D0dger said:
Nearly spat my coffee over the monitor laugh
To be honest, I always cringe a bit when someone writes this because, no you didn't, no one sits there with a mouth full of coffee for minutes on end, just looking for something funny to nearly spit it over their monitor.

And it has surely become the most unoriginal way to say 'I found that very amusing' ever invented.
Please add the following to the list:-

Oof, I did a sex wee (on seeing a pic of a nice car).

That will polish out/Bit of T-Cut (on seeing a pic of a car smashed to pieces).

Cognitive dissonance (the phrase of choice for fkwits in politics threads).
"Pics?" When a female is mentioned in a thread.

That 'sex wee' one really irks though, do people not think when typing that? frown
Yup, absolutely - all of those.

The pics one gets trotted out even if someone is referring to their own daughter! "Hey mate, lets see what your daughter looks like, I wish to make a judgement on whether or not I'd fk her!"

In fact anything really where sad little men sit in judgement of whether a female total stranger measures up to their lofty standards or should be ridiculed for failing to do so. Just toe curling...

Dr Murdoch

3,427 posts

134 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
Nezquick said:
A few of us walked round to my mates house when we were about 18/19 or so to collect him to go out for a few beers.

We get to his house and knock on the door. No answer. We go around the back to see if we can see through the window to see if he's in. We get round the back of the house and peer through the window to be confronted with our mate on the couch naked, stiffy in hand with a bluey playing at full volume on the TV in the lounge.
Very, very similar...

The only difference being our mate who was knocking one out was watching a gay porno! We all had our suspicions but up to that point he had always maintained he was hetro, but after this he had to come clean (so to speak)

HTP99

22,443 posts

139 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
A colleague a few years ago was showing me nude pictures of his latest shag, he handed me his phone so I could look, however I swiped the wrong way and was confronted with a completely starkers picture of him with a raging hard-on; what has been seen can never be un-seen!!

Edited by HTP99 on Wednesday 17th May 17:12

PopsandBangs

922 posts

130 months

Wednesday 17th May 2017
quotequote all
The stairs at my parents house is in an "L" shape with a window by the front door where it tails off at the bottom. A few years ago I was living there for a while, at the age of 25, and came home to an empty house in a massive rush to get ready to go out to a Halloween party.

Having jumped out of the shower, I realised my clothes and indeed clean towels were downstairs in the utility room. No worries, a short naked jog down the stairs to fetch them.

Halfway through my rapid descent, private parts rotating around like a wind farm and well into my "running down the stairs in fast-forward" routine, I see two approximately 8 year old trick-or-treating girls in witches hats at the window at the bottom, mouths ajar in horror. Their door knocking having been drowned out by the power shower I had not heard them, and at that split second, awash with adrenalin and in the firm grip of the fight-or-flight response, I thought "do I continue my journey towards them and dive for cover at the bottom," giving them more of an eyeful, or do I turn on my heel and scarper back up the stairs and hide until they buffered off..........

The second option took precedent and, as I skidded to a halt and grabbed the bannister to "go about," I turned, slipped into my chest lying diagonally on the stairs and exposed them both to my chocolate starfish, legs akimbo and desperately reaching for the bannister.

I eventually got to my feet, ran upstairs and hid in my room for a while, as I thought I was about to get absolutely nicked for indecent exposure to minors
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