Too selfish for a girlfriend?
Discussion
I have been with my current girlfriend for 2 years but she only earns minimum wage and only ever will, this doesn't affect how much I love her or how special a person she is but what it does mean is if I want to do something that she can't afford I either have to pay for her, not do it at all, or do it on my own which will put her in a mood which will consequently put me in a mood.
The problem is I can't afford/don't want to pay for everything I want twice and when I tell her this she gets in a mood with me and her argument is always a moronic one "you have <insert expensive possession> but you won't pay for me".
For example a week long holiday with first class tickets in a nice hotel and activities every day is affordable when you go with friends everyone pays for themselves, but the price doubles when you have to pay for your girlfriend and it gets to a point where I'd rather not bother.
I know when there is a pay imbalance things will never be equal but she pays nothing to the mortgage or household bills, so what she earns is 100% disposal.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I'm still in my twenties so maybe I should stay single until later in life when I'm less bothered about having fun and new experiences.
The problem is I can't afford/don't want to pay for everything I want twice and when I tell her this she gets in a mood with me and her argument is always a moronic one "you have <insert expensive possession> but you won't pay for me".
For example a week long holiday with first class tickets in a nice hotel and activities every day is affordable when you go with friends everyone pays for themselves, but the price doubles when you have to pay for your girlfriend and it gets to a point where I'd rather not bother.
I know when there is a pay imbalance things will never be equal but she pays nothing to the mortgage or household bills, so what she earns is 100% disposal.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I'm still in my twenties so maybe I should stay single until later in life when I'm less bothered about having fun and new experiences.
Never let on how much you earn or if you do tell them a much lower figure.
What you should have done was ask for a contribution to household costs as soon as she moved in will be hard to implement at this stage.
Is she good with money or does she live like a weekend millionaire then expect you to payout till her payday?
What you should have done was ask for a contribution to household costs as soon as she moved in will be hard to implement at this stage.
Is she good with money or does she live like a weekend millionaire then expect you to payout till her payday?
HuntD said:
Am I being unreasonable or selfish?
If you can afford to fly first class and book into nice hotels, then yes you are probably being selfish in not wanting to pay for your loved one to join you.Or, to put it another way, if you are not willing to compromise a little (e.g. two of you fly business rather than you flying first solo), she's probably not the girl for you. When you really meet someone you love, the finances won't even come into your mind.
It does not sound like a relationship of equals as it stands, so either you'll need to re-consider 'your' money as money for you to both enjoy or you'll be having money arguments the rest of your days, or sack her off, IMO.
If I was in my 20s I know which of the two paths I would choose.
Good luck.
If I was in my 20s I know which of the two paths I would choose.
Good luck.
HuntD said:
I have been with my current girlfriend for 2 years but she only earns minimum wage and only ever will, this doesn't affect how much I love her or how special a person she is but what it does mean is if I want to do something that she can't afford I either have to pay for her, not do it at all, or do it on my own which will put her in a mood which will consequently put me in a mood.
The problem is I can't afford/don't want to pay for everything I want twice and when I tell her this she gets in a mood with me and her argument is always a moronic one "you have <insert expensive possession> but you won't pay for me".
For example a week long holiday with first class tickets in a nice hotel and activities every day is affordable when you go with friends everyone pays for themselves, but the price doubles when you have to pay for your girlfriend and it gets to a point where I'd rather not bother.
I know when there is a pay imbalance things will never be equal but she pays nothing to the mortgage or household bills, so what she earns is 100% disposal.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I'm still in my twenties so maybe I should stay single until later in life when I'm less bothered about having fun and new experiences.
.The problem is I can't afford/don't want to pay for everything I want twice and when I tell her this she gets in a mood with me and her argument is always a moronic one "you have <insert expensive possession> but you won't pay for me".
For example a week long holiday with first class tickets in a nice hotel and activities every day is affordable when you go with friends everyone pays for themselves, but the price doubles when you have to pay for your girlfriend and it gets to a point where I'd rather not bother.
I know when there is a pay imbalance things will never be equal but she pays nothing to the mortgage or household bills, so what she earns is 100% disposal.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish? I'm still in my twenties so maybe I should stay single until later in life when I'm less bothered about having fun and new experiences.
I would say you are not being selfish, although we earn similar money my gf and I split most costs if it is related to house/day out etc. I still enjoy treating her to meals and drinks out, as does she. The worry is will it be constantly awkward having to regularly total up spendings and say "you owe me this, but you paid for such and such so I can deduct this" etc.
If she lives with you but does not contribute to mortgage or bills then that is unacceptable. Spoiling can go too far IMO and could leave you in a pickle that you can't resolve. Sit down and work out a contribution to the household, even if it is not 50-50 as that may not be completely fair.
Hang on...she earns, but contributes nowt?
I think 'you' should both contribute the same percentage of your income until the regular stuff is covered.
What's left is the disposable.
A percentage of that could be each other's selfish stuff...make-up for her, oil and spanners for you.....
What's left is a joint amount used for joint stuff....holidays.
I think 'you' should both contribute the same percentage of your income until the regular stuff is covered.
What's left is the disposable.
A percentage of that could be each other's selfish stuff...make-up for her, oil and spanners for you.....
What's left is a joint amount used for joint stuff....holidays.
HuntD said:
I know when there is a pay imbalance things will never be equal but she pays nothing to the mortgage or household bills, so what she earns is 100% disposal.
I know 'times have changed' etc etc but I think you're either a couple, or two individuals.If you're a couple then you share everything to the best of your combined financial abilities.
Unless you're earning so much that her contribution would be close to irrelevant then she should be contributing as much as she can towards the bills.
I agree with you op. That's why people of a similar background typically mix.
Imagine spending loads of money on her and then splitting up and you thinking how much you lost out financially.
I had this issue too. People say don't tell her what you earn but that's irrelevant because you want nice things and they figure it out.
You have aspiration and she doesn't. Your only option is to stay with her and keep finances separate and you do nice things with your friends and occasionally treat her.
She may say 'you have money so why not look after us'. I don't buy that. If you quit work would she pay for you if you earned less than her? No she wouldn't. It will drag you down if you are that way inclined. I am.
People will call you selfish and unsupportive but why work hard yourself to give 40% to the taxman and 50% of what's left to her.
Your other option is to have less money and holidays and not go away and eventually you'll resent it and split up. Either she furthers her career, or you accept it or she accepts your money is your own.
Pay for her all you want and she will see you as a mug/meal ticket.
Plus it's nice if your partner has their own independence and finances rather than having to come to you for money- that's out dated in my opinion.
Imagine spending loads of money on her and then splitting up and you thinking how much you lost out financially.
I had this issue too. People say don't tell her what you earn but that's irrelevant because you want nice things and they figure it out.
You have aspiration and she doesn't. Your only option is to stay with her and keep finances separate and you do nice things with your friends and occasionally treat her.
She may say 'you have money so why not look after us'. I don't buy that. If you quit work would she pay for you if you earned less than her? No she wouldn't. It will drag you down if you are that way inclined. I am.
People will call you selfish and unsupportive but why work hard yourself to give 40% to the taxman and 50% of what's left to her.
Your other option is to have less money and holidays and not go away and eventually you'll resent it and split up. Either she furthers her career, or you accept it or she accepts your money is your own.
Pay for her all you want and she will see you as a mug/meal ticket.
Plus it's nice if your partner has their own independence and finances rather than having to come to you for money- that's out dated in my opinion.
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