Too selfish for a girlfriend?
Discussion
Nanook said:
I'm not going to disect this and reply to it all, but the difference I see there is that your GF is prepared to make an effort. And it may be a joint effort, you'll be helping her, but she has goals and wants to work towards them. That's not the same situation the OP seems to have found himself in.
OP hasn't really mentioned much, but it sounds like she does? Surprises him, treats him etc.Has OP asked her about contributing to the financial running of the house?
The OP is basically saying as a hair dresser she will earn minimum wage.
What the OP is saying isn't indicative of a supporting partner
I would be saying, ok, you are working in a salon as an employee, have you tried hiring out a chair in a private salon? Maybe do some home visits for clients, build up a reputation, then consider opening a small shop?
Not "she is a hair dresser so is stuck on minimum wage for life while I am a super project manager with a 2% payrise"
t, I wonder if she's thinking the same as you?!)I side with the op. £45k per year if you have to pay much of that to your partner seriously limits your standard of living.
The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
jonah35 said:
I side with the op. £45k per year if you have to pay much of that to your partner seriously limits your standard of living.
The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
what on earth are you on aboutThe food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
some of the replies on this thread are so ridiculous. I think people are forgetting that this is about our partners, not business.
jonah35 said:
I side with the op. £45k per year if you have to pay much of that to your partner seriously limits your standard of living.
The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
60k household outside London lets you live well if you're not an utter moron. Problem being the OP is.The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
And tbh, you're a mental case with some real issues. Can't believe you're from Boro with such an attitude.
I love this forum.
mcg_ said:
what on earth are you on about
some of the replies on this thread are so ridiculous. I think people are forgetting that this is about our partners, not business.
Agreed. some of the replies on this thread are so ridiculous. I think people are forgetting that this is about our partners, not business.
I think it's the same people that feel they must have a partner, come hell or high water (perhaps to share the bills!!), but don't give a damn about real compatibility.
AshBurrows said:
jonah35 said:
I side with the op. £45k per year if you have to pay much of that to your partner seriously limits your standard of living.
The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
60k household outside London lets you live well if you're not an utter moron. Problem being the OP is.The food you eat, where you live, your holidays (frequency location and length), if you can afford repairs to your home, tradesmen, eating out etc.
I just couldn't/wouldn't want to stay in and limit holidays, nights out and buying things. There is a line of course and if the op was earning £5m pa then I think even he too would agree his partners wages are/would be irrelevant.
I think people are being disingenuous on here. I don't need a mclaren f1 but i do want to be able to go on holiday when I want, eat out, have a cleaner and various other things that make life nice. If money is not important why is anybody bothering to work, take qualifications, study, go to uni etc?
The op needs to find where his line is and it depends for us all. Some people on here would feel £2m pa is small change I'm sure, others will think £25k pa is huge.
It is all relative and depends on the op. Personally I wouldn't fund someone that works on minimum wage - I'd rather find someone else.
And tbh, you're a mental case with some real issues. Can't believe you're from Boro with such an attitude.
I love this forum.
jonah35 OP in the above thread said:
I was just watching something on TV and a chap mentioned how both man and woman in a couple need to work now to afford to live. When did this happen?
A salary in the north of £35k per year is 'doing ok' but yet after student loan and pension thats prob £2k per month after tax.
Take off £600pm rent plus bills and youre left with say £900pm.
Take off food, mobile, car, travel and theres nothing left for you let alone your partner.
When did it become the norm for both man and woman to work?
A salary in the north of £35k per year is 'doing ok' but yet after student loan and pension thats prob £2k per month after tax.
Take off £600pm rent plus bills and youre left with say £900pm.
Take off food, mobile, car, travel and theres nothing left for you let alone your partner.
When did it become the norm for both man and woman to work?
Too Late said:
Do you love her, could she be the "one"?
If no, then leave
If Yes then man up....
He does love her, he said he does, he's just not sure he can afford her, she's just too damned poor, don't you get it?If no, then leave
If Yes then man up....
May I say that around my way there are some ladies who will take care of your needs for much less than a 1st class ticket to New York,
Basically you need to decide if all the crap she gives you is worth the hassle and if you ended the relationship how quick could you find someone to replace her.
The phrase more trouble than it's worth comes to mind.
If you can cope with the mood swings, having less or no free time and basically supporting a fully grown adult in exchange for companionship and sex then you have your answer
The phrase more trouble than it's worth comes to mind.
If you can cope with the mood swings, having less or no free time and basically supporting a fully grown adult in exchange for companionship and sex then you have your answer
FredClogs said:
Too Late said:
Do you love her, could she be the "one"?
If no, then leave
If Yes then man up....
He does love her, he said he does, he's just not sure he can afford her, she's just too damned poor, don't you get it?If no, then leave
If Yes then man up....
May I say that around my way there are some ladies who will take care of your needs for much less than a 1st class ticket to New York,
OP, if you see her as 'the one', then accept now that you should want to share everything with her, unconditionally.
If on the other hand she's just a lass you're knocking around with, you're not sure where it's going and you feel she is sponging off you (which your OP suggests), then either
a) happily accept the current set up
b) explain things need to change and say what you think that looks like
c) sack her of and move on to be single or find someone else
There's nothing actually wrong with being 'selfish', it's your life so set out what you want and what you are looking for, no point wasting it with somebody who you are not aligned to as it'll only end badly (and expensively if you get married / have kids)
I know what I would do
If on the other hand she's just a lass you're knocking around with, you're not sure where it's going and you feel she is sponging off you (which your OP suggests), then either
a) happily accept the current set up
b) explain things need to change and say what you think that looks like
c) sack her of and move on to be single or find someone else
There's nothing actually wrong with being 'selfish', it's your life so set out what you want and what you are looking for, no point wasting it with somebody who you are not aligned to as it'll only end badly (and expensively if you get married / have kids)
I know what I would do
AshBurrows said:
60k household outside London lets you live well if you're not an utter moron. Problem being the OP is.
And tbh, you're a mental case with some real issues. Can't believe you're from Boro with such an attitude.
I love this forum.
I hope I'm not a mental case with real issues lol. I'm stating my opinion and that's it, we can all disagree. Perhaps I'm selfish, cynical, miserable or all 3. Perhaps I do view relationships wrong but it's my opinion that I wouldn't work my socks off just to fund someone else's lack of income. What if she ends the relationship with him or if he can't afford to go on a stag do or to have a few months off work if he's ill because he's spent his money on someone else? I put myself first (perhaps selfishly) but I'm comfortable with that decision.And tbh, you're a mental case with some real issues. Can't believe you're from Boro with such an attitude.
I love this forum.
Yes I may be more selfish than others but I'm happy in my shoes and with the decisions I've made.
I honestly struggle to believe that the majority do not care a hoot what their partner earns or what career aspirations they have. Society does not, in general, wish to get the bus, not have nice holidays, live in a poor house eating cheap food and to have to scrape by. Granted £45k pa is not scraping by I know that of course but you cannot say money is completely irrelevant, can you?
mcg_ said:
what on earth are you on about
some of the replies on this thread are so ridiculous. I think people are forgetting that this is about our partners, not business.
Yes it is about our partners but surely there are qualities you look for in a partner and like them to have?some of the replies on this thread are so ridiculous. I think people are forgetting that this is about our partners, not business.
Is it good looks? That could be seen as shallow
Is it a good body? Is that not shallow?
Is it a good family, good ethics, good manners, good morals?
Some people like others of the same religion.
I have to say that one thing I like and admire is someone that is financially independent and who can pay their own way. Not everyone is like this and I respect that but it's something I admire.
We are all different but we all look for certain qualities in a woman.
I find it difficult to believe that, all else being equal, some people are saying theyd not prefer a trainee doctor as a partner to someone that works in a sandwich shop serving customers
jonah35 said:
I honestly struggle to believe that the majority do not care a hoot what their partner earns or what career aspirations they have. Society does not, in general, wish to get the bus, not have nice holidays, live in a poor house eating cheap food and to have to scrape by. Granted £45k pa is not scraping by I know that of course but you cannot say money is completely irrelevant, can you?
Of course its not irrelevant. However there are plenty of ways to make money and OP, if he has better prospects could go and raise his income, if, as he says, his GF had limited prospects. Further, if he wants a family then the income from GF disappears. Beat answer is to go hard on his career, make plenty and be able to support her better. If you focus on career and have a bit of get up and go its amazing that you can do. I started work at 11 and loved every minute of it Never worried about the OH income..sometimes I was with someone with good income, other times not. I just do not worry about it. I understand very well that there is some percentage of women who are just out for money, but in my experience they are not hard to spot and most certainly in a minority.
I have had a number of GFs with advanced degrees who are well capable of making substantial incomes but others who have not had that opportunity. If you are looking at the relationship as an investment, its the wrong gig.
I can see your future
In ten years time, and your married with three screaming brats, a massive mortgage, a right nag of a mare of a wife, driving a thirteen year old scenic, with holes in you shoes and a pulsar watch, you stumble into her whilst your waiting in the rain at a bus stop.
You find out four weeks after you dumped her she won twelve million on the lottery.
LOL.
In ten years time, and your married with three screaming brats, a massive mortgage, a right nag of a mare of a wife, driving a thirteen year old scenic, with holes in you shoes and a pulsar watch, you stumble into her whilst your waiting in the rain at a bus stop.
You find out four weeks after you dumped her she won twelve million on the lottery.
LOL.
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