Too selfish for a girlfriend?
Discussion
Equilibrium25 said:
If you can afford to fly first class and book into nice hotels, then yes you are probably being selfish in not wanting to pay for your loved one to join you.
Or, to put it another way, if you are not willing to compromise a little (e.g. two of you fly business rather than you flying first solo), she's probably not the girl for you. When you really meet someone you love, the finances won't even come into your mind.
Nail. Head.Or, to put it another way, if you are not willing to compromise a little (e.g. two of you fly business rather than you flying first solo), she's probably not the girl for you. When you really meet someone you love, the finances won't even come into your mind.
Cynical yes but chances are one day you will split up. Whether now or in 30 years. The money you spend could go towards you retiring early, going on more holidays and looking after you if you're ill etc.
Sad state of the times and some will say a sad reflection of me but I don't mind that - each to their own. If others want to get married and put everything on the line for a woman then fair play to them they're less cynical than me and perhaps better off for it (until they split up).
Are you really wanting to commit to this one woman for the next 50 plus years? No other woman, ever? That's a big commitment if you want to travel the world, go on holidays with mates, go out socially and to commit to never looking at another woman again.
Sad state of the times and some will say a sad reflection of me but I don't mind that - each to their own. If others want to get married and put everything on the line for a woman then fair play to them they're less cynical than me and perhaps better off for it (until they split up).
Are you really wanting to commit to this one woman for the next 50 plus years? No other woman, ever? That's a big commitment if you want to travel the world, go on holidays with mates, go out socially and to commit to never looking at another woman again.
I do not think a relationship can be judged as an investment.
If there is only a modest imbalance in pay then of course it would make sense for both to share. When I was first married the OH made only a little less than I did and we split expenses. When there was more money I was happy to pay more and never looked at paying for holidays as paying twice.
I think a discussion between the OP and his GF would be sensible:
How much does each earn?
What are the weekly/monthly outgoings?
How should they be split?
This makes some sense to me, and if one or other makes a lot more money then that should affect the balance.
If there is only a modest imbalance in pay then of course it would make sense for both to share. When I was first married the OH made only a little less than I did and we split expenses. When there was more money I was happy to pay more and never looked at paying for holidays as paying twice.
I think a discussion between the OP and his GF would be sensible:
How much does each earn?
What are the weekly/monthly outgoings?
How should they be split?
This makes some sense to me, and if one or other makes a lot more money then that should affect the balance.
jonah35 said:
vtecyo said:
Nail. Head.
That's the trouble in my opinion. When people meet someone they love logic can go out of the window (for a few years) but not forever. Ask a divorced man about his ex and his finances and most will wish they never got married https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remarriage
Edited by Yiliterate on Monday 22 May 14:22
If you aren't the type to pay for everything then you need to find someone with a similar income level.Your not the one for her...
Good looks like her having an issue with you paying for expensive stuff, because she cant afford it. But maybe, occasionally she'll let you because it makes you happy. Maybe you take her to a nice restaurant, so she spends ages cooking you your favourite meal.
When you start to moan about her not letting you pay for expensive stuff, because you really want to, because you enjoy it more with her - marry her.
Good looks like her having an issue with you paying for expensive stuff, because she cant afford it. But maybe, occasionally she'll let you because it makes you happy. Maybe you take her to a nice restaurant, so she spends ages cooking you your favourite meal.
When you start to moan about her not letting you pay for expensive stuff, because you really want to, because you enjoy it more with her - marry her.
Equilibrium25 said:
If you can afford to fly first class and book into nice hotels, then yes you are probably being selfish in not wanting to pay for your loved one to join you.
Or, to put it another way, if you are not willing to compromise a little (e.g. two of you fly business rather than you flying first solo), she's probably not the girl for you. When you really meet someone you love, the finances won't even come into your mind.
What if it is her who is pushing for luxuries like first class tickets and not wanting to contribute to it?Or, to put it another way, if you are not willing to compromise a little (e.g. two of you fly business rather than you flying first solo), she's probably not the girl for you. When you really meet someone you love, the finances won't even come into your mind.
A lot of people think emotionally rather than logically in a relationship.
On balance, is it really worth giving up your free time, doing things you don't want to do to keep her happy and paying for her in essence financially and with your own time for her to be with you for sex and companionship?
Then as you get older the sex becomes less and you try harder to keep her happy as you've got more to lose if things don't work out.
On balance, is it really worth giving up your free time, doing things you don't want to do to keep her happy and paying for her in essence financially and with your own time for her to be with you for sex and companionship?
Then as you get older the sex becomes less and you try harder to keep her happy as you've got more to lose if things don't work out.
Edited by danny0001uk1 on Monday 22 May 14:32
FredClogs said:
Posh/rich chicks come with their own set of issues, they'll still expect you to pay though.
They'll make you pay for it with time / sanity!Have to own up with this one, I once had a fling [abroad] with someone's girlfriend who seems to fit into this general description - being abroad can make you quite lonely. If you're happy with paying for her all the time then stick with her - sounds like she isn't giving you enough in return with respect to emotional / physical needs.
Edited by fido on Monday 22 May 14:32
I've always considered it useful that Mrs PB and I bought our first house together when you could get 100% - nay, 120% even - mortgages and that we were earning the same amount each. Neither of us had to contribute more than the other.
As others have said, I'd take this as a sign that you're not that into her. If you couldn't be without her you wouldn't mind spending more just to have her along for the ride. (Read that however you wish!)
As others have said, I'd take this as a sign that you're not that into her. If you couldn't be without her you wouldn't mind spending more just to have her along for the ride. (Read that however you wish!)
Shakermaker said:
Smanks said:
What if it is her who is pushing for luxuries like first class tickets and not wanting to contribute to it?
OP stated that he was already going First class/5* everywhere with his matesfido said:
FredClogs said:
Posh/rich chicks come with their own set of issues, they'll still expect you to pay though.
They'll make you pay for it with time / sanity!Have to own up with this one, I once had a fling [abroad] with someone's girlfriend who seems to fit into this general description - if you're happy with paying for her all the time then stick with her - sounds like she isn't giving you enough in return with respect to emotional / physical needs.
Edited by fido on Monday 22 May 14:31
R4PID said:
Even that the ones that pay their way stop eventually after they've deposited a couple of sprogs and decided work really isn't for them. Then you end up forking out for 4 of everything. You've just arrived here a little earlier than is usual.
I was going to say something along these lines 
Currently the sole earner for a family of four. That said when we first moved in together we based the household expenditure on the percentage of income we both brought in, her earning roughly two thirds what I did so bills were split accordingly e.g. mortgage £1000 - me £600, her £400. Eventually though we ended up putting it all into one pot and not worrying about the details. She does seem like she wants to find some work in September though when our youngest starts school.
Anyway just consider how much all the sex you're getting would cost if you had to pay for it
Depends how serious you are. If you're just trying to have some fun and she's too expensive, then I can see the problem. She should be somewhat grateful/appreciative but again as it gets more serious, you stop thinking about who the money belongs to, it's all family money and you don't get brownie points for putting more in the pot.
First 3-4 years I was with my girlfriend (now wife) she earned nearly nothing as a student. By comparison, I was loaded (only by comparison because I actually wasn't). I was really proud whenever I could take her on holiday, or go out to eat somewhere she wouldn't normally pay for.
Then she got into her career and for the following 7 years earned quite a lot more than me. I'm not a big spender, but "her" money was always available to me whenever I wanted it. For example I was able to try being self-employed, knowing there was always enough money to pay the bills if it didn't work.
Now we recently had a baby, and we have stretched our money to give her the longest maternity leave possible (I'm not even sure how much we each put in). At this point she's earning nothing, and on her return to work in a few months we're trying to budget for her to work as few days as possible (ideally none, if we can manage on my salary alone) so she can be at home with the baby.
In 10+ years I don't think either one of us has ever grudged the other one for spending money that wasn't "theirs". We've had plenty of stupid purchases on both sides, and run out of money more than a few times, but it's not something to be angry about.
I guess one thing we have, that you probably will never have, is the ability of either one of us to stop working completely and still (just about, with great difficulty) pay the bills. If your GF's "career" will never advance above minimum wage, then you have to accept that you'll never be able to take a break from work or even be much of a financial risk-taker.
First 3-4 years I was with my girlfriend (now wife) she earned nearly nothing as a student. By comparison, I was loaded (only by comparison because I actually wasn't). I was really proud whenever I could take her on holiday, or go out to eat somewhere she wouldn't normally pay for.
Then she got into her career and for the following 7 years earned quite a lot more than me. I'm not a big spender, but "her" money was always available to me whenever I wanted it. For example I was able to try being self-employed, knowing there was always enough money to pay the bills if it didn't work.
Now we recently had a baby, and we have stretched our money to give her the longest maternity leave possible (I'm not even sure how much we each put in). At this point she's earning nothing, and on her return to work in a few months we're trying to budget for her to work as few days as possible (ideally none, if we can manage on my salary alone) so she can be at home with the baby.
In 10+ years I don't think either one of us has ever grudged the other one for spending money that wasn't "theirs". We've had plenty of stupid purchases on both sides, and run out of money more than a few times, but it's not something to be angry about.
I guess one thing we have, that you probably will never have, is the ability of either one of us to stop working completely and still (just about, with great difficulty) pay the bills. If your GF's "career" will never advance above minimum wage, then you have to accept that you'll never be able to take a break from work or even be much of a financial risk-taker.
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