Child Maintenance- Would You Grass Up Your Ex
Discussion
Taita said:
I'm not happy subsidising your ex's lifestyle thanks 
You could also keep the £650pcm (or as much as you can) and save it up for your kids so that you can give them a head start in life / house deposit etc.
I don't think you've read my post properly. You could also keep the £650pcm (or as much as you can) and save it up for your kids so that you can give them a head start in life / house deposit etc.
I'm not giving her £650pcm buddy.
Forget it would be my advice. I pay £2300 a month (child & spousal combined) o the understanding they would remain in London. The second everything was finalised after 3 years she took my two up to Halifax. I still have to pay the same amount and do 700 miles every other weekend to see my two children. That was 4 years ago. Only missed one weekend. Things become more tolerable with the passage of time.
As you seem to have a good post break up relationship and are responsible with the kids upbringing :
I would go with a coversation along the lines that you are worried about what happens if in the future if she does get caught and the money stops and she has to pay it back, she'll be on £650 a month less than she's used to and will have to pay back at god knows what rate now they know the new partner has >50k coming in.
Will she be able to bring up the kids in a way that you'd both be happy with?
Will she just put the £650 away until it does catch up with her?
Apart fromshagging someone else she seems to have been fairly responsible so far with custody/money etc.
Another thing to think about - is her new OH pushing this?
I would go with a coversation along the lines that you are worried about what happens if in the future if she does get caught and the money stops and she has to pay it back, she'll be on £650 a month less than she's used to and will have to pay back at god knows what rate now they know the new partner has >50k coming in.
Will she be able to bring up the kids in a way that you'd both be happy with?
Will she just put the £650 away until it does catch up with her?
Apart fromshagging someone else she seems to have been fairly responsible so far with custody/money etc.
Another thing to think about - is her new OH pushing this?
OP- My daughter is grown up now, but her mother and I had similar 50/50 custody arrangement, from age 3 to university. It survived both of us getting new partners. Like you, I had a civilised relationship with my ex, mostly.
I can understand you getting irritated by possible Tax Credit fiddling, but keep it in perspective- it's your relationship with your kids that matters. I really wouldn't do anything to antagonise your ex if you can avoid it. Her tax/benefit affairs are not your responsibility.
Good Luck.
I can understand you getting irritated by possible Tax Credit fiddling, but keep it in perspective- it's your relationship with your kids that matters. I really wouldn't do anything to antagonise your ex if you can avoid it. Her tax/benefit affairs are not your responsibility.
Good Luck.
Fastchas said:
ShyTallKnight said:
Just to be clear. You haven't been paying her any CM since you split up..??
That's right. You may not know this but if you have joint parental custody then no maintenance is paid. I had 50% custody. I had them 5 nights one week, then 2 nights the next week, continued like this since my youngest was 18 months old.
I was disgusted but hey ho.
lord trumpton said:
Just pay your dues and crack on with your own life.
Oh, just one more thing... You have decided to reduce the time you spend with your kids so that you can move house and area with your new bird?
Thanks for putting it like that but yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, just one more thing... You have decided to reduce the time you spend with your kids so that you can move house and area with your new bird?
But it's no worse than other single dads who've found themselves in my position. I've been the best dad I can for 6 years and cared for them 50% of the time. Never shirked responsibility and I'm the only parent who's taken them away abroad. Even though she claims she can't afford it, it hasn't stopped her going abroad three times now with her fella.
My partner lives too far away to keep the 50% thing going as I won't be able to get them to school as I've done before.
Its not an easy decision for me.
deggles said:
This.
To be honest, I can't believe you can get paid £650/month by the state for having kids. I could lease a Quadrifoglio for that
That's the tip of the iceberg, it really is. I'm in a not too dissimilar situation to the OP. My ex is getting over £2000/month in benefits (she's getting the New Enterprise Allowance on top of that, another £100+/week to start with, and being 'in work' exempts her from the benefits cap too)! It's irrelevant that we have joint custody of our kids - because they spend majority time with her (just over 50%), she's entitled to all the benefits, and I have to pay child maintenance to her on top. To be honest, I can't believe you can get paid £650/month by the state for having kids. I could lease a Quadrifoglio for that
I've contested it with the child benefit office, but to no avail, we have 3 kids, doesn't seem unreasonable that I should get the child benefit for just one of them, based on the shared care. Even though I pay for a fair bit of day to day stuff for the kids as well as the maintenance. I'm self employed, and my income is way, way under what she gets in benefits. I earn less than 10k/yr basically (significant reason for that is because the kids are in my care so much it restricts my ability to work somewhat, but that's my choice).
And don't forget that the 2k/month benefits are tax free - a working person would need a gross salary of what, 25k or so to be netting 20k/year?
The system is broken, it really is. And the most crazy thing is that child maintenance payments from the other parent aren't factored into the benefits calculation. I know a bloke who was (voluntarily) paying £1200/month child maintenance to his ex, yet she was still eligible for the same about of benefits and tax credits as any another single parent potentially getting zero maintenance. Maintenance payments should reduce the benefits that need to be paid out, saving the tax payer some money. I believe that in Ireland, they split the child benefits between separated parents, based on the share of the care, which seems a fairly sensible way of doing it.
Back to the OP's problem, as I've just alluded to - her tax credits/benefits aren't linked to his payment of (or not) maintenance. So whilst it's infuriating in principle, you have to keep paying them or you'll end up with CMS on your back. Whether to grass her up or not is a difficult one. People saying that HMRC will catch her, well it's certainly possible, but they seem to be in complete chaos, and it's remarkable just how much obvious and trivial cross checking doesn't seem to happen. So there's a good chance she'll get away with it.
Fastchas said:
lord trumpton said:
Just pay your dues and crack on with your own life.
Oh, just one more thing... You have decided to reduce the time you spend with your kids so that you can move house and area with your new bird?
Thanks for putting it like that but yeah, I guess you're right. Oh, just one more thing... You have decided to reduce the time you spend with your kids so that you can move house and area with your new bird?
But it's no worse than other single dads who've found themselves in my position. I've been the best dad I can for 6 years and cared for them 50% of the time. Never shirked responsibility and I'm the only parent who's taken them away abroad. Even though she claims she can't afford it, it hasn't stopped her going abroad three times now with her fella.
My partner lives too far away to keep the 50% thing going as I won't be able to get them to school as I've done before.
Its not an easy decision for me.
That said it was my initial thought when reading your post.
Ive got three children - the eldest was from a previous relationship. When her mother and I split up I had 50% for around 2 years and then she met someone. Everything changed and over a space of 3 months; it went from 50% to every other weekend.
The pain was unbearable - like my heart had been stabbed with a septic stick. I met someone else and remarried but no matter what I would not give up and precious time we had. Over time as she grew my daughter came to live with me, my wife and children. She's now 22.
I guess from knowing the pain of this, I just can't fathom how on earth you are OK with moving further away and seeing the children less.
I can appreciate it's a tough decision for you - what about the children though. How will they feel about seeing you less?
Could it come back to haunt you? As they grow older they may form an opinion that you walked away from them or chose someone else over them. Kids dont understand things and may get it wrong. Plus if you start grassing the ex wife up then who knows what poison they will be fed.
It's just my view and obviously I don't know you or the situation fully but surely you can move in with your partner and still maintain 50% contact?
GloverMart said:
Have I missed it or is there a reason your partner can't come to live in your area?
I met the GF on POF some years ago. She lives 20 miles away and has been in my boys lives for a good while now. She also has two girls, one 12 and one nearly 15. The 12yo is at grammar school in the area but has now chose to live with her dad (which we think won't last) and the 14yo is doing really well at her school, is head prefect girl and studying for her exams but has problems with her dad and hardly goes to his. I can't ask the GF to uproot her girls to come live with me.They also live in a much better area than me and I wouldn't ask anyone to move from there to my city (Wolves).
My eldest boy is all his mum so won't be affected by the move so much. Spme weeks he says "Yeah, Dad, I'm stopping at mums tonight, see you tomorrow/next week".
The youngest is all me so it's a difficult choice. The ex is a good mum and I've no qualms really about her care (apart from them turning into chavs) but the youngest loves his brother so much I'm happy he'll be ok.
Fastchas said:
GloverMart said:
Have I missed it or is there a reason your partner can't come to live in your area?
I met the GF on POF some years ago. She lives 20 miles away and has been in my boys lives for a good while now. She also has two girls, one 12 and one nearly 15. The 12yo is at grammar school in the area but has now chose to live with her dad (which we think won't last) and the 14yo is doing really well at her school, is head prefect girl and studying for her exams but has problems with her dad and hardly goes to his. I can't ask the GF to uproot her girls to come live with me.They also live in a much better area than me and I wouldn't ask anyone to move from there to my city (Wolves).
My eldest boy is all his mum so won't be affected by the move so much. Spme weeks he says "Yeah, Dad, I'm stopping at mums tonight, see you tomorrow/next week".
The youngest is all me so it's a difficult choice. The ex is a good mum and I've no qualms really about her care (apart from them turning into chavs) but the youngest loves his brother so much I'm happy he'll be ok.
GloverMart said:
Thanks Fastchas for explaining that. Is there no way that you can work something out to still stay more involved in the kids lives. 20 miles isn't that far away, for some reason I thought it would be much further.
Oh, I intend to see them as much as reasonably possible. My boss will let me relocate to birmingham but travel to Wolves office 1-2 times a week. The preceding night I can have the boys and drop them off to school hopefully, although they will have to get up earlier.The eldest won't like it, he gets up at 8.30am and rolls out of bed and into school 100 yards away from his mum's!
Fastchas said:
GloverMart said:
Thanks Fastchas for explaining that. Is there no way that you can work something out to still stay more involved in the kids lives. 20 miles isn't that far away, for some reason I thought it would be much further.
Oh, I intend to see them as much as reasonably possible. My boss will let me relocate to birmingham but travel to Wolves office 1-2 times a week. The preceding night I can have the boys and drop them off to school hopefully, although they will have to get up earlier.The eldest won't like it, he gets up at 8.30am and rolls out of bed and into school 100 yards away from his mum's!
My two lads left their mother at age 11 (long story but SS involved) to live with me and the fact that 6 months after arriving, their move to big school meant a 100-yard walk was a major benefit of coming to live with Dad...
ziggy328 said:
manracer said:
Just for clarity, this isn't always true. I have joint custody with PR ( court enforced) and until the mother moved abroad permanently leaving me with full custody I had to continue maintenance.
I was disgusted but hey ho.
Surely that would not be CM but spousal?I was disgusted but hey ho.
The reason was to do with the rules apply differently depending on when your child was born, Basically if the child is born before March 2003 your on the old rules, post March 2003 you are on the new rules (where 50/50 can mean no maintenance due)
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