Men, Public toilets & loosing all control

Men, Public toilets & loosing all control

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Greendubber

13,128 posts

202 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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Another ones just popped up in the memory banks.... Poo related this time I promise.

I was in France on a camping holiday when I was in my late teens and we had the usual shower tray cubicles. A few days in, too much booze and badly cooked BBQ meat saw a few of us with bad guts.

One of the lads went to the toilet in a bit of a hurry, pulled his shorts down and let rip only to st into his shorts which was interesting when he manoeuvred into the wipe position.

From that day on we all realised what the little hook on the back of the door was for.

vsonix

3,858 posts

162 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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I used to work at a well-known financial news company based in Moorgate. Even there, the toilets could be pretty horrible (despite being cleaned every couple of hours). The worst were on the second and third floors, once you got up to the fifth and sixth they weren't so bad. Torn paper everywhere, urine puddles both by the urinals and in the stalls. Unflushed logs. And what I found inexplicable and probably most gross was the 'bogies' stuck to the back of the cubicle doors. Like, someone actually picked their nose as they shat and smeared their 'nose goblins' on the wall and door of the cubicle. I can only assume it was some low level protest against management or something? Although, knowing some of the managers there, it was probably them.

Zod

35,295 posts

257 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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vsonix said:
I used to work at a well-known financial news company based in Moorgate. Even there, the toilets could be pretty horrible (despite being cleaned every couple of hours). The worst were on the second and third floors, once you got up to the fifth and sixth they weren't so bad. Torn paper everywhere, urine puddles both by the urinals and in the stalls. Unflushed logs. And what I found inexplicable and probably most gross was the 'bogies' stuck to the back of the cubicle doors. Like, someone actually picked their nose as they shat and smeared their 'nose goblins' on the wall and door of the cubicle. I can only assume it was some low level protest against management or something? Although, knowing some of the managers there, it was probably them.
Our IT department is on the top two floors of that building. The loos there are very bad.

gtidriver

3,334 posts

186 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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I have a friend who used to be a manager at a branch of b&q, he had seen the pee and poo in the display toilets, what shocked and annoyed him was the person that took a st in a wardrobe. One waste of an expensive wardrobe as it had to be binned.

Steviesam

1,242 posts

133 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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2 good friends of mine, in their 50 s, went on trip together round Australia etc, both of them wanted to get over messy divorces.

Dave was a very funny guy, but over the years had many "accidents" while drinking copious amounts of vodka (including one in the back of a police car and 1 in a cinema in Aus, which resulted in him having to use his socks as paper after shuffling out of the wrong door while searching for the toilets and ending up in the street with his trousers round his ankles, covered in st).

They were staying in quite a nice boutique type hotel (twin beds) and Dave had had a heavy session the night before. He awoke in bed, with st everywhere in the bed, a proper mess.

His mate, Simon, went mad, called him all the names under sun, made his bed (Simon was a bit OCD) and stormed off to the pool.

30 mins or so later, there was a knock at the door-it was housekeeping. Not wanting a confrontation, Dave, who had now had a shower (the bed was still a cess pit) jumped over to Simon's neat and tidy bed, tried to look relaxed and pretended he was looking at a tourist info leaflet, and the cleaner came in.

She looked at Dave's bed in horror, and then Dave explained that Simon had an upset stomach and had left the bed in that terrible state, and was now at the swimming pool.

Poor Simon didn't know what had hit when the cleaner, along with the manager, turned up by his sunbed, and proceeded to tell him that he was disgusting individual and should be ashamed.

As you can imagine, their friendship was a tad strained over the next few day

baldy1926

2,136 posts

199 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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I used to be a manager at a major london tourist site.
The staff toilets were in the basement and could only be accessed by a staff key.
The female toilets were far worse than the mens.
Nearly every day one of the 'ladies' would shxt on the floor.
We had to install needle boxes due to the amount of staff jacking up on their breaks.

There were public toilets very close by which were mainly occupied by vagrants sleeping in the cubicles and using the hand dryers as heaters.
I found it amusing that the public toilets were built as disable friendly ones.
Unfortunately it was only after they were opened did they realise that having the loos down a flight of stairs with no ramps or lift might not be such a good idea.

J4CKO

41,279 posts

199 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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I got accused of stting in a sink on a particularly riotous stag do, however, the sink was higher than I could manage so the blame shifted to the tallest member of the party, I neglected to mention my "evidence" though, maybe I grow when drunk ?

Yipper

5,964 posts

89 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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It is scary how filthy humans are. When you scrape off the veneer, ~80% of adults are dirty, lazy slobs.

littlebasher

3,767 posts

170 months

Friday 8th September 2017
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I always assumed that Caravan Club sites had first class camping facilities and clientelle, till one summer evening.

At the back of the shower cubicles ran a gully which fed into a drain at the far end. During a nice hot shower, i hear the bloke next to me shout "You dirty bd" just as a massive black turd is merrily floating down the gully at the back of the shower.

If you're going to use the shower as a stter, why do it when other people are are using them?

I've also seen couples using the showers for 'adult fun' away from the kids, which i guess is okay if you don't mind standing in some other blokes jizz.


Shakermaker

11,317 posts

99 months

Monday 11th September 2017
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On this very day, 7 years ago, I made a horrible mess of the toilets in a Sainsburys somewhere in London. I have been reminded of this by Facebook.

I was spending a couple of nights with a friend in London as she and I were going to see Muse live at Wembley Stadium, and on the following evening, I was seeing the same gig but with a different mate. For convenience I was staying at my female friend's flat.

This did present a dilemma though - I did not want to use her small bathroom for my manly excrement activities - even though we had lived together at uni, this just didn't seem right, Her bathroom didn't have a window or a decent extractor fan. I held it in.

Small relief was available on the morning before the gig, we stopped for some lunch and I made use of the bathroom in the restaurant, and all felt good, gig was great, band were great, we got back, all fine. We'd had a load of beers, some crappy gig food, and late night takeaway food.

The next day, though, was not so good. I could feel it in my stomach, that something was coming. I held it in. Her bathroom, was not the place for me to do what I needed to do.

The time came for me to head back towards Wembley from her flat, to meet my mate as planned at... a tube station where we both had to change, I think. Somewhere on the Bakerloo line. I arrived with 20 minutes to spare and went outside, looking for somewhere, anywhere, with a bathroom. McDonalds - too busy. Same with Burger King. I thought about a pub but pub toilets are always a hit and miss affair. And then I saw a decent size Sainsburys. That would be perfect. I went in. Tragedy - there's only one cubicle but it was clear. And clean. Someone had obviously just replenished the toilet roll as well. Which was good, as well, I was making a mess. It didn't stop coming. Clearly a mix of overpriced crap lager, overpriced crap food and all that, was not good for my insides. The smell emanating was too much as well, and people that I heard came in, were audibly distressed by this.

finally, I was done. Some frantic wiping had to take place, but dear god, how much was still there? In all this, I made the crucial mistake. I forgot to flush part way through to dispose of the evidence. Eventually, the paper was clean enough for me to go, and I stood up, but oh dear, the bowl was full. I wondered what to do. Flush or just leave it? It thought the best thing to do was flush. This was not the best thing to do. The bowl was overcome and water started flooding out. Noone else was in the bathroom but the floor was getting wet and papery. I was embarrased. I washed my hands as quickly as I could and didn't stop to dry them on the way out, as the water started reaching the sink area. I darted, as quickly as I could out of that shop, past the in store cleaner, everyone, trying not to catch anyone's eye or look like I was anyone dodgy.

I must have got away with it, but I now feel bad for whoever had to go in there and clean that up...

Rawwr

22,722 posts

233 months

Monday 11th September 2017
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When I was 14, Nigel Wrigley took a sh*t off the top of the skateboard ramp in St Neots.

e30m3Mark

16,205 posts

172 months

Monday 11th September 2017
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Many year ago I went with a mate to buy what was his first car. It was a tidy looking MK4 Cortina, that had been used as a taxi, but the engine lasted about 15 minutes before it began knocking like a mother flicker. When my pal dipped the oil it was hardly making it onto the stick but the filler cap just wouldn't budge. It had been wedged into the hole and nothing would shift it. Anyway, we drove back to the seller who simply laughed and slammed the door.

Now wrongly or rightly, my pal was incredibly pissed off and laid blame wholly with the seller. As a result, the old caravan his Dad had just bought provided a toilet cassette that was a) full to the brim and b) had been fermenting for weeks, if not months. That night my pal opened the door of the MK5 Cortina Estate taxi, owned by the seller of his MK4, only to slosh the contents of the toilet cassette inside, only to then calmly lock the door and go home. I don't think I have ever seen or smelt anything quite so disgusting as those rotting turds and vile piss stained seats and carpet. God knows what that taxi driver did to try and clean his taxi but I doubt you'd have ever got the stench of pub urinal out of the seats. vomit

rtz62

3,340 posts

154 months

Friday 15th September 2017
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Some months ago we called in at a 'location withheld' McDonalds on the edge of the A38 in Derbyshire. Or Derbyste as my 10yr old son renamed it
Going into the bogs after the kids had eaten, he came back out looking like he was going to puke
"Dad, it's disgusting in there, I'm going to throw up"
I went to look and there was pi55 and 5h1t everywhere
Checked the chart on the back of the door and it had been cleaned 1/2 previously.
The only people I'd seen go in were a group of Eastern Europeans complete with safety Tavares that work at a factory close by
Apparantly, on complaining to the manager, it was a regular thing, they go in, take a dump and then ps off, dirty bds.
Got 4 free meals out of it but that wasn't the point.
As an aside, in the mid-80's I worked at a really old fashioned police station, still had a bedroom for the superintendent dating from the late 1890's
Top brass had their own bogs too
So on xmas day a subversive member of my shift went up to the top floor, knowing no gaffers worked on Christ Day, and took an almighty dump in the Chief Supers crapper.
He waddled to the adjacent big to 'wipe up' and then got a pencil an poked 2 eyes and a mouth into the protruding end of the biggest turd I've ever seen.
He also got one of those little flags you get in cocktails and wrote 'DNA test THIS you tt!' on it.
Apparantly the big chief was apoplectic when he came in and saw this mister anaconda poking out of his beloved 'Trap 1'
Aforementioned mentioned miscreant sadly died through drinking and never did tell the big boss that he was responsible, although we did, to honour his memory...

Rostfritt

3,098 posts

150 months

Tuesday 19th September 2017
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Greendubber said:
Over my next 10 years of policing I have never seen anything that made me feel as physically sick as that horrible old bd slurping some punters jizz out of a condom from a cold wet public bog floor.
OK, I don't know if anyone can top that, you win. A good piece of advice someone once gave me is to never yuck on anyone's yums, but that is an exception.

Also I do suspect that women's toilets are not as fancy as they make them out.



I am perturbed by the toilet habits of seemingly respectable people. I used to work in a large office for a bank. Once later on in the evening I went to use the facilities to find that someone had filled the first pan with enough toilet paper that you couldn't see any that was wet, just a full pan of fresh white paper. Having no idea why anyone would do that and not being in a position to deal with whatever the fk that was about I used the other one. While doing my business I heard someone come in and head for the cubicle. I assumed I would hear them either turn round or pull the flush to try and get rid of it. Instead they sit down and proceed to presumably do a completely silent poo, as there was obviously no landing sound. They then pull the flush and leave. I stayed put for a while as I would rather not know who the hell had just near block the toilet, left it for a while, before returning to st on it then just about flush it away.

Frank7

6,619 posts

86 months

Tuesday 19th September 2017
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e30m3Mark said:
Many year ago I went with a mate to buy what was his first car. It was a tidy looking MK4 Cortina, that had been used as a taxi, but the engine lasted about 15 minutes before it began knocking like a mother flicker. When my pal dipped the oil it was hardly making it onto the stick but the filler cap just wouldn't budge. It had been wedged into the hole and nothing would shift it. Anyway, we drove back to the seller who simply laughed and slammed the door.

Now wrongly or rightly, my pal was incredibly pissed off and laid blame wholly with the seller. As a result, the old caravan his Dad had just bought provided a toilet cassette that was a) full to the brim and b) had been fermenting for weeks, if not months. That night my pal opened the door of the MK5 Cortina Estate taxi, owned by the seller of his MK4, only to slosh the contents of the toilet cassette inside, only to then calmly lock the door and go home. I don't think I have ever seen or smelt anything quite so disgusting as those rotting turds and vile piss stained seats and carpet. God knows what that taxi driver did to try and clean his taxi but I doubt you'd have ever got the stench of pub urinal out of the seats. vomit
Even as an ex black cab driver, I have to say that if that's true, the seller deserved it. hehe

lord trumpton

7,320 posts

125 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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My addition to this thread is a little mild in comparison to some of the horror stories. but here goes...

I've been married for 13 years now and this occurrence happened about 4 months into our relationship during the dating phase.

I'd been planning a nice meal and film night back at my place with the sole intention of getting her in bed - it was something we knew was on the cards but neither of us actually mentioned it.

Anyway I'm home from work and fresh from a supermarket shop - food unpacked, oven on, chopped mushrooms and onions in the frying pan and the carrier bag of toiletries from the shopping trip still in the carrier bag on the worktop ready for me to take upstairs later.

My now wife comes home from work and goes upstairs for a shower and to get changed - all going to plan.

I'd been suffering from progressively worse farting bouts since a boardroom meeting at work where a small catering buffet was laid on and I was intending to go for a dump before my wife got home but that was ruled out with her coming home and taking ownership of the bathroom.

Anyway it was starting to play on my mind and a dangerous fart was processed in the kitchen - the type you just know has to be tightly controlled for fear of accidental release. I was starting to worry a bit, the kitchen was hot and I was sweating with the desire to have a poo. I thought I could wait it out and use the loo when she was finished but she spent ages up there. Another looming danger fart and stomach ache forced me to consider all options as I was getting desperate. It was really really bad and I just had to go but had nowhere to 'go'.

I lived in an end terraced house at the time - the tiype with a gravel drive section between the gable end of my house and the start of the next row. Said gravel area was a no mans land that people used to park on and also leave their wheelie bins.

I emptied the the carrier bag with the toiletries in and took a roll of toilet paper and the empty carrier bag outside into no mans land and hid behing the row of wheelie bins and bushes - it was dark, I was well hidden and I was free to release. I crouched down, trousers below the knees and hands grasping open the carrier bag. I just blasted out and landed nicely in the bag. After a minute of enjoying the releif I grabbed the loo roll and started the wipe routine.

Imagine my horror when I heard my future wife shouting me from the back door. I just froze and then shouted back that I was putting the bins out and I'd be back in a sec. She replied that the food in the pan was smoking and the smoke alarm was sounding. 'Just turn it off' I replied.

As I was finishing off wiping a pair of headlights lit up the gravel area - my neighbour arrived home from work and I'm stuck behind the bins, trousers down and keeping still and waiting for them to fk off inside their house. The annoying thing was that they just sat in their car, engine running, lights on and talking on hands free. It went on for ages.

Anyway my future wife be starts shouting again, and comes to look for me (later admitting that she thought I was having a sneaky cigarette as I was giving up at the time) - I'm illuminated as the light from the car headlights flood through the gap in the bins, crouching there with a carrier bag of poo and loo roll.

She just stopped in her tracks looking around and saw me. I was like a little boy caught doing wrong and just stared back - She just looked at me and went inside. I waited for the neighbour to finish their seemingly endless call, clean up and went back inside.

Dinner was ruined so I just went straight upstairs for a shower. I'd managed to get some excrement on the side of my trousers near my ankle and the side of my heel on my work shoes. I cleaned them off, rinsed the trousers and stuffed into the washing basket. All done - no to face the music downstairs.

Nothing was said but I noticed the wooden floor in the hallway had been mopped, as well as the kitchen floor. I just knew there and then I must have walked it in without realising.

Nothing was said all evening about that incident - I was too embarrassed and my wife way too polite. We only ended up discussing it around 6 months later on a night out when we were both a little drunk.

Even now 13 years later I wince with embarrassment and writing this is just as embarrassing - but hey I'm just a bloke off the internet to you lot tongue out

NRS

22,078 posts

200 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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She must have thought you were some catch, not walking out after seeing that and not knowing the explanation!

anonymous-user

53 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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rofl

stting in the alleyway and getting busted...

One of the best stories so far biggrin

RC1807

12,480 posts

167 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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OpulentBob said:
rofl

stting in the alleyway and getting busted...

One of the best stories so far biggrin
roflrofl and at his username... rofl

Ki3r

7,805 posts

158 months

Wednesday 20th September 2017
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That is brilliant!

Although she married you?!