Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
my wife is so fat ....
when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was ending
I scared the postman today by going to the door naked...not sure what scared him most, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived....
accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument....
when she fell down the stairs I thought Eastenders was ending
I scared the postman today by going to the door naked...not sure what scared him most, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived....
accordion to research 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace a word with a musical instrument....
t.Little Sid the snake is talking to his mother.
"Mummy," he asks. " Am I one of those thnakes that wrapth itthelf around an animal and thqueethes and thqueethes 'ti it'th dead?."
" Or am I the kind of thnake that biteth an animal and killth it with poithon."
"Well, Sid," says mum, "You're a boa constrictor and this makes you one of the first kind. Why do you ask?"##
" I've jutht bitten me tongue."
"Mummy," he asks. " Am I one of those thnakes that wrapth itthelf around an animal and thqueethes and thqueethes 'ti it'th dead?."
" Or am I the kind of thnake that biteth an animal and killth it with poithon."
"Well, Sid," says mum, "You're a boa constrictor and this makes you one of the first kind. Why do you ask?"##
" I've jutht bitten me tongue."
Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad doing 30 in a 30 zone.
They were amazed to find the MOT was in date, he was insured and held a valid licence.
The car wasn't stolen, and they found no drugs or stolen goods in it.
A police spokesman said "We had no option but to fine him £100 for wasting police time"
They were amazed to find the MOT was in date, he was insured and held a valid licence.
The car wasn't stolen, and they found no drugs or stolen goods in it.
A police spokesman said "We had no option but to fine him £100 for wasting police time"
I've just been into Anne Summers to buy my wife some valentines gifts.
I bought her 2 sets of handcuffs, 4 pairs of crotchless knickers, a giant butt plug, a 12 inch vibrator, a bondage whip, a naughty nurses outfit and 6 huge glow in the dark penis shaped helium balloons.
Will she be happy with it all? I don't know.
But what I do know is that on February 14th her grave will stand out more than any others in the cemetery.
I bought her 2 sets of handcuffs, 4 pairs of crotchless knickers, a giant butt plug, a 12 inch vibrator, a bondage whip, a naughty nurses outfit and 6 huge glow in the dark penis shaped helium balloons.
Will she be happy with it all? I don't know.
But what I do know is that on February 14th her grave will stand out more than any others in the cemetery.
The worlds leading expert on European wasps walks in to a record shop and asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
“Certainly.” replies the assistant.“Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful." says the expert and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant “I'm terribly sorry but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognise any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologies and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognise any of these sounds."
The assistant apologises again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage. "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terrible sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
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