Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

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Jonboy_t

5,038 posts

182 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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“OK kids, who can spell ‘Danger’ for me?
  • billy oceans hand shoots up*
“yes Billy, go on”

“r.e.d.l.i.g.h.t, miss”

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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The 10 best jokes from this years Edinburgh fringe. The winner was the last one...

"I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse

"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel

"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

"What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan

"I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

"I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff

"Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman

"I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

"Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day." Adam Rowe

rayny

1,143 posts

200 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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EarlOfHazard said:
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Que?
[Dumbass]Finally, I just got this one [/Dumbass]

LordGrover

33,532 posts

211 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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Kenty said:
The 10 best jokes from this years Edinburgh fringe. The winner was the last one...
Not shooting the messenger, but it must be a bad year up there. They're awful.

captain_cynic

11,876 posts

94 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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AppleJuice said:
which was renamed 'Isis' (yes, really)
Isis was originally an ancient Egyptian goddess (sister and wife to Osiris).

ISIS is the English acronym assigned to the Islamic State group, in Arabic DAESH is more accurate (and offensive to them).

Vaud

50,291 posts

154 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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LordGrover said:
Not shooting the messenger, but it must be a bad year up there. They're awful.
I quite liked this one.

"Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse

captain_cynic

11,876 posts

94 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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rayny said:
EarlOfHazard said:
Ultra Sound Guy said:
Que?
[Dumbass]Finally, I just got this one [/Dumbass]
Well I didn't expect that.

Gargamel

14,958 posts

260 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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LordGrover said:
Not shooting the messenger, but it must be a bad year up there. They're awful.
I quite liked the Tardis one..

The one about exorcism has been around for ages (even on here a few times)

captain_cynic

11,876 posts

94 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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LordGrover said:
Not shooting the messenger, but it must be a bad year up there. They're awful.
To be fair, anything better will not be clean enough to be published in a major newspaper. I'm sure there are better jokes.

Doofus

25,732 posts

172 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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I think a criterion is that they have to be one-liners.

We should be thankful it's not just a list of Tim Vinerisms rolleyes

Kenty

5,029 posts

174 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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I quite liked this one
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt

Robbo 27

3,605 posts

98 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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Kenty said:
I quite liked this one
"In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat. She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
True story.

I was in a delicatessan in Harrogate on saturday, I ask for a cornish pasty, the lady assistant bagged one up, and then 6 links of sausage,

'Sorry', she said, ''I will need to get someone else, I cannot touch fresh meat'

'What a pity, you have such nice eyes'.

Oh how we laughed.

noell35

3,170 posts

147 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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Colonel D

628 posts

71 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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noell35 said:
hehe

davhill

5,263 posts

183 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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Quasimodo got in trouble with the church elders for taking his Renault Clio to work and parking it outside.

The archbishop just wouldn't have it, even though Quasi referred to it as, 'The hatchback of Notre Dame.'

Troubleatmill

10,210 posts

158 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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Colonel D said:
noell35 said:
hehe
Very good!

Allyc85

7,225 posts

185 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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What do you call children born in wehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

The Dangerous Elk

4,642 posts

76 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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I got a job today......in the "Ground Water" industry, it is based nr Wells

Evangelion

7,642 posts

177 months

Monday 20th August 2018
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Andrew Lloyd-Webber went into a Burger King. He said to the assistant;

"Could I have two whoppers please?"

She said, "Certainly sir. You're very handsome and your music is really good."

Ultra Sound Guy

28,616 posts

193 months

Tuesday 21st August 2018
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An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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