Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[ChemicalChaos]

ChemicalChaos said:

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
He said: '?????2.54???.'

Well, that was a joke comprehensively ruined by the forum software.....
Imagine a load of Chinese characters in the last line...

[LordGrover]

EarlOfHazard said:

Vipers said:

EarlOfHazard said:

The inventor of the hard boiled egg, wrapped in sausage meat has died.

RIP Scott Chegg

Good yoke . You just knew that was coming.

Sean Connery voice: Exshellent. Egg-shell-ent.

EFA

[Ultra Sound Guy]

How does someone from Essex use their computer keyboard to contact their local authority?

They press the Cancel button...

[Alex]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

How does someone from Essex use their computer keyboard to contact their local authority?

They press the Cancel button...

Took me a few seconds...

[silverfoxcc]

Peanut

you must be very short as the good ones go over your head


( stolen from Foghorn Leghorn)


I saw it on the ISIHAC Appreciation society facebook page,on thethere is a thread on there about commentaor/announcer bloopers, that has some gems
A couple more

BBC radio has quite a lot

One announced to band of the Royal Arse Hortillery will play the bum of the flightle bee

Another, and this was on a programme about bloopers several years ago so def has providence

The announcer should have said

The next programme is

'The Land of the Niger'

However he pronounced it with an extra g in the middle

Harry Carpenter ....again at the Boat Race

It is nice to see the Wife of the Cambridge President kissing the cox of the Oxford Crew

Eddie Mair when on R4 finished a report from South Korea with

Our Seoul Correspondent

These are more phonetic than written, that why poor old peanut has problems .

[PixelpeepS3]

Computer help line:

Operator: "Hello, how can i help?"

Caller: "Egg Shell, Egg Shell"

Operator, "Hello, i am afraid you've got the wrong number, the paint helpline ends 090, this is 990"

Caller: "Egg Shell, Egg Shell"

Operator, "please hold i am going to transfer you to my manager"

CLICK

Caller: "Egg Shell, Egg Shell"

Operators Manager, "Hi Mr Connery, are you having trouble with your spreadsheets again?"

[Doofus]

PixelpeepS3 said:

Computer help line:

Operator: "Hello, how can i help?"

Caller: "Egg Shell, Egg Shell"

Operator, "Hello, i am afraid you've got the wrong number, the paint helpline ends 090, this is 990"

Caller: "Egg Shell, Egg Shell"

Operator, "please hold i am going to transfer you to my manager"

CLICK

Caller: "Egg Shell, Egg Shell"

Operators Manager, "Hi Mr Connery, are you having trouble with your spreadsheets again?"

You just made that up, didn't you?

[yellow elan]

As one cold cow said to his mate ,lend me your Jersey I'm Freision

[PixelpeepS3]

Doofus said:

You just made that up, didn't you?

No...

a quick google shows its a well known joke..

annnd....

covered in Vol 7

gowmonster said:

Hello, Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?
Eggshell
Eggshell??
Yesh
Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?

[john2443]

silverfoxcc said:

I saw it on the ISIHAC Appreciation society facebook page,on thethere is a thread on there about commentaor/announcer bloopers, that has some gems
A couple more

In about 1970, Radio 4 news reader said that in N Ireland a man was shot in the Bogside.

[GloverMart]

john2443 said:

silverfoxcc said:

I saw it on the ISIHAC Appreciation society facebook page,on thethere is a thread on there about commentaor/announcer bloopers, that has some gems
A couple more

In about 1970, Radio 4 news reader said that in N Ireland a man was shot in the Bogside.

Not to mention being stabbed in the Gorbals....

[Doofus]

PixelpeepS3 said:

Doofus said:

You just made that up, didn't you?

No...

a quick google shows its a well known joke..

annnd....

covered in Vol 7

gowmonster said:

Hello, Microsoft support, what's the nature of the problem?
Eggshell
Eggshell??
Yesh
Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?

Blimey...

[mickk]

After an investigation by New York authorities lasting almost 30 years, police arrested Billy Joel and several of his band tonight in association with a fire started in 1989. Mr Joel has always denied the claims.

[james-witton]

There was a terrible incident at the local pantomime when a mentally distressed man ran onto the stage, crept up behind the Dame and stabbed him.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him.

[davhill]

GloverMart said:

Not to mention being stabbed in the Gorbals....

Nearly as bad as being punched in the Trossachs.

[davhill]

john2443 said:

In about 1970, Radio 4 news reader said that in N Ireland a man was shot in the Bogside.

Not long ago, I heard a woman presenter on TV referring to the vocal stylings of
Mary J Bilge.

[48k]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

How does someone from Essex use their computer keyboard to contact their local authority?

They press the Cancel button...

What cancel button?

[Johnspex]

48k said:

Ultra Sound Guy said:

How does someone from Essex use their computer keyboard to contact their local authority?

They press the Cancel button...

What cancel button?

That was quite a good little joke until you ruined it. You're not from London,are you?

[underwhelmist]

john2443 said:

silverfoxcc said:

I saw it on the ISIHAC Appreciation society facebook page,on thethere is a thread on there about commentaor/announcer bloopers, that has some gems
A couple more

In about 1970, Radio 4 news reader said that in N Ireland a man was shot in the Bogside.

A Radio 4 announcer said that Albert Speer had spent 20 years in Spandau Ballet.

https://www.theguardian.com/media/mediamonkeyblog/...

[phazed]

Johnspex said:

48k said:

Ultra Sound Guy said:

How does someone from Essex use their computer keyboard to contact their local authority?

They press the Cancel button...

What cancel button?

That was quite a good little joke until you ruined it. You're not from London,are you?

That makes it funnier!