Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
paua said:
Trophy Husband said:
A woman ran in to a police station screaming "Grape! Grape! Grape!"
The desk sergeant said "Surely you mean rape?"
She said "No, there was a whole bunch of them."
Footballers?
Kenny EverettThe desk sergeant said "Surely you mean rape?"
She said "No, there was a whole bunch of them."
Footballers?
Edited by nonsequitur on Saturday 15th December 10:18
SeeFive said:
Woman ran into the same police station shouting “help I’ve been raped by a docker”.
“How do you know it was a docker” asked the desk sarge.
“Well, he had a cloth cap on, a hook in his belt and I had to do all the work”.
Not just a fantastic joke, but a history lesson, about dock workers in the 1950s“How do you know it was a docker” asked the desk sarge.
“Well, he had a cloth cap on, a hook in his belt and I had to do all the work”.
Shamelessly stolen from FB, where it already had the obligatory Vipers redundant punchline! 
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
nonsequitur said:
Doofus said:
nonsequitur said:
Understood. But I would argue that any entry on this thread should be funny,(to some anyway), and that the parentage / history of said joke is irrelevant. Jusy enjoy the moment.
Ahahahahahahahaha!
Hugo a Gogo said:
SeeFive said:
Woman ran into the same police station shouting “help I’ve been raped by a docker”.
“How do you know it was a docker” asked the desk sarge.
“Well, he had a cloth cap on, a hook in his belt and I had to do all the work”.
Not just a fantastic joke, but a history lesson, about dock workers in the 1950s“How do you know it was a docker” asked the desk sarge.
“Well, he had a cloth cap on, a hook in his belt and I had to do all the work”.
Told to me by my late father who as a young lad (mid-late 1940’s) was crew on the Gaselee fleet “Viper”, the tug with responsibility for ensuring Tower Bridge didn’t get damaged by boats/ships passing through.
SeeFive said:
Without getting too far into the kittens, indeed, a joke from waaaaay back.
Told to me by my late father who as a young lad (mid-late 1940’s) was crew on the Gaselee fleet “Viper”, the tug with responsibility for ensuring Tower Bridge didn’t get damaged by boats/ships passing through.
Does your father have a Pistonheads login, by any chance....? Told to me by my late father who as a young lad (mid-late 1940’s) was crew on the Gaselee fleet “Viper”, the tug with responsibility for ensuring Tower Bridge didn’t get damaged by boats/ships passing through.
schmunk said:
SeeFive said:
Without getting too far into the kittens, indeed, a joke from waaaaay back.
Told to me by my late father who as a young lad (mid-late 1940’s) was crew on the Gaselee fleet “Viper”, the tug with responsibility for ensuring Tower Bridge didn’t get damaged by boats/ships passing through.
Does your father have a Pistonheads login, by any chance....? Told to me by my late father who as a young lad (mid-late 1940’s) was crew on the Gaselee fleet “Viper”, the tug with responsibility for ensuring Tower Bridge didn’t get damaged by boats/ships passing through.
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far away and would walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the shops and bought a bucket and gallon of paint. He then called at a friends farm and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home? While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that address. I'd walk you there if I didn't have this lot to carry."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm an d carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home.
On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked at him cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Hang on a minute lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Well put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
On the way home he stopped at the shops and bought a bucket and gallon of paint. He then called at a friends farm and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home? While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane ?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that address. I'd walk you there if I didn't have this lot to carry."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm an d carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk her home.
On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked at him cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Hang on a minute lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How on earth could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Well put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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