Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Trophy Husband said:
Teehee!
My mate got married in Bilston and the reception was thereabouts. At about 9pm I was at the bar in the hotel and Noddy walked in for a beer. We had a right crack, charming man. No airs and graces just a thoroughly pleasant fellow. We spent about an hour or so gassing. Absolute gent. Great memory for me as a child of the 70's.
I don’t get it? My mate got married in Bilston and the reception was thereabouts. At about 9pm I was at the bar in the hotel and Noddy walked in for a beer. We had a right crack, charming man. No airs and graces just a thoroughly pleasant fellow. We spent about an hour or so gassing. Absolute gent. Great memory for me as a child of the 70's.
Mr MXT said:
Trophy Husband said:
Teehee!
My mate got married in Bilston and the reception was thereabouts. At about 9pm I was at the bar in the hotel and Noddy walked in for a beer. We had a right crack, charming man. No airs and graces just a thoroughly pleasant fellow. We spent about an hour or so gassing. Absolute gent. Great memory for me as a child of the 70's.
I don’t get it? My mate got married in Bilston and the reception was thereabouts. At about 9pm I was at the bar in the hotel and Noddy walked in for a beer. We had a right crack, charming man. No airs and graces just a thoroughly pleasant fellow. We spent about an hour or so gassing. Absolute gent. Great memory for me as a child of the 70's.
StevieBee said:
I used to sit next to Noddy Holder at school. The teacher was always catching him eating snacks.
One day she snapped and shouted "what are you eating now?!!"
Noddy replied "IT’S CRISPS MISSSSSS
Noddy Holder was at the tailors getting fitted for a new suit.One day she snapped and shouted "what are you eating now?!!"
Noddy replied "IT’S CRISPS MISSSSSS
Having measured him up, and knowing what a 70s icon Noddy is, the tailor enquired “Now, how about a nice kipper tie to go with that Mr Holder?”
“Ooooh that’d be luvverlay. Milk and two sugars please”
This year's top ten Christmas Cracker jokes have been announced. None are particularly Connery-worthy, but you can make your own decisions on that:
- 1 – Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china.
- 2 – Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
- 3 – Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
- 4 – Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- 5 – What is Coleen Rooney's favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.
- 6 – Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.
- 7 – Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she's a swede dish campaigner.
- 8 – What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.
- 9 – What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.
- 10 – What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.
- 1 – Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china.
- 2 – Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
- 3 – Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
- 4 – Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- 5 – What is Coleen Rooney's favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.
- 6 – Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.
- 7 – Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she's a swede dish campaigner.
- 8 – What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.
- 9 – What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.
- 10 – What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.
Cold said:
This year's top ten Christmas Cracker jokes have been announced.
Is this based on all the companies that produce crackers submitting their jokes to a central organisation that then rates all available cracker jokes or is it more like the Baseball World Series and Miss Universe?ThunderSpook said:
Cold said:
This year's top ten Christmas Cracker jokes have been announced.
Is this based on all the companies that produce crackers submitting their jokes to a central organisation that then rates all available cracker jokes or is it more like the Baseball World Series and Miss Universe?Article said:
It is the seventh time that the TV channel Gold has run the annual competition, which challenges the British public to tweet their best efforts. Entries were shortlisted by a panel of judges led by comedy critic Bruce Dessau and put to an anonymous public vote of 2,000 British adults to reveal the winning jokes.
https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2019/dec/10/mode...Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
Cold said:
This year's top ten Christmas Cracker jokes have been announced. None are particularly Connery-worthy, but you can make your own decisions on that:
- 1 – Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china.
- 2 – Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
- 3 – Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
- 4 – Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- 5 – What is Coleen Rooney's favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.
- 6 – Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.
- 7 – Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she's a swede dish campaigner.
- 8 – What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.
- 9 – What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.
- 10 – What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.
You must be joking Coldo, pull the other one.- 1 – Why does Donald Trump have his Christmas dinner on a plastic plate? He doesn't get on with china.
- 2 – Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.
- 3 – Christmas dinner is a lot like Brexit. Half the family were told they needed to make room for Turkey, so opted to leave Brussels.
- 4 – Why has Santa been banned from sooty chimneys? Carbon footprints.
- 5 – What is Coleen Rooney's favourite game to play over the festive period? Guess Who.
- 6 – Why doesn't Jeremy Corbyn ever visit Santa? Because he struggles in the poles.
- 7 – Why is Greta Thunberg boycotting parsnips and carrots at Christmas? Because she's a swede dish campaigner.
- 8 – What's the difference between Rudolph's nose and David Cameron's autobiography? Only one will be red at Christmas.
- 9 – What do you call a snowman who goes on Love Island? A melt.
- 10 – What is Olivia Colman's favourite part of a turkey? The Crown.
Frank7 said:
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
Hundreds of dead birds found in mystery mass deathA bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."
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