Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Englishman Irishman and Scotsman were on a tour of the Vatican. they break away from the group and find themselves in a cellar. They walk around in the darkness and stumble over a body, they realize that its the Pope. The Scot says - I am going for help. No says the Englishman, we can make good money on this, cover him up, we will go and find a bookies back in London and then place big bets on the the Pope being found dead, we will amke a fortune. Lets meet up on Monday afternoon.
They meet up. The scot says he took his Job Seekers allowance and got 100/1, cleared £7000, The Englishman says he took all his savings, also got 100/1, cleared £100,000.
'How did you get on Paddy?'
'I lost everything'
'How the hell did you manage that?'
'I had a Double with the Archbishop of Canterbury'
They meet up. The scot says he took his Job Seekers allowance and got 100/1, cleared £7000, The Englishman says he took all his savings, also got 100/1, cleared £100,000.
'How did you get on Paddy?'
'I lost everything'
'How the hell did you manage that?'
'I had a Double with the Archbishop of Canterbury'
Valentine poems for the ex-wife's card...
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious.
Don't ever p
s off
Oscar Pistorious
When I first saw my one true love,
I was driving in my Rover.
But I didn't see the lights had changed,
which is why I ran her over.
Roses are red, from a romantic man,
but I have a knife,
so get in the van.
Roses are red,
their thorns are injurious.
Just like you they know,
how to make people furious.
Vampires are pallid,
werewolves are fluffy,
but it's bollux to Twilight,
'Cos I much prefer Buffy.
Roses are red,
Violets are glorious.
Don't ever p
s offOscar Pistorious
When I first saw my one true love,
I was driving in my Rover.
But I didn't see the lights had changed,
which is why I ran her over.
Roses are red, from a romantic man,
but I have a knife,
so get in the van.
Roses are red,
their thorns are injurious.
Just like you they know,
how to make people furious.
Vampires are pallid,
werewolves are fluffy,
but it's bollux to Twilight,
'Cos I much prefer Buffy.
A biker riding along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled him over, walked up to the bike, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
He replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' he responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' he said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ahole?' he asked,
'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
He replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' he responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' he said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a
hole?' he asked,'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge..
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid ! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny !
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed ! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid"
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid ! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny !
But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "
Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..
I'm impressed ! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you t'truth
I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,
But tha' knows,
twenty quid is twenty quid"
, new one on me.
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