Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Al Murphy]

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?





Look for the fresh prints.



Al

[Vipers]

Robbo 27 said:

To carry on from the German joke.

Wartime Britain and two German paratroopers land in England,

Fritz: what are we going to do, how will we blend in?

Herman, we do just like the Englanders do, we go to the pub, act casual.

Fritz, what shall we order, I dont know english drinks.

Herman. leave that to me, I am the expert.

They go in the Dog and Duck and walk up to the bar.

Herman. two Martinis please landlord.

Landlord. Dry?

Herman. nein, zwei.

Fritz. oh bugger.

Edited by Robbo 27 on Tuesday 5th December 14:14

Punchline I remember is this.

Jerry "Two Martinis please landlord"

Landlord "Dry".

Jerry, "No, two"

[Fer]

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

[V8 FOU]

A big fat Greek PBCD regularly dined in a Chinese restaurant.

Every time he went there he would say "what day is it chinky? " "today is fliday" came the reply. Nooo "today is FRIDAY"

Anyway, the waiter got a bit riled by this and decided to have some elocution lessons and to learn better English.

Next time the Greek geezer came in...... "what day is today, chinky?" Came the reply, "Today is FRIDAY, you great big Gleek plick"

[mickk]

Just had bubble and squeak for my dinner.

Delicious.





The kids never looked after those rabbits!

[kowalski655]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Lilly Allen

[K12beano]

“Well she would, wouldn’t she?”

[glenrobbo]

Before we get too involved in this new Volume, could we establish whether or not it comes with a fresh supply of kittens and parrots?

Because I think I need a parrot after that Lily Allen knock knock riddle.




Furthermore, homelessness is no joking matter, especially at this time of year.

Edited by glenrobbo on Tuesday 5th December 20:44

[xe mini]

Two monkeys in a bath. One says "Ohh ooooh aaaaaah ooooh oooohh ooohh aaaah"




The other says "If its too hot mate put some cold in".

[Robbo 27]

Worst job i ever had was a delivery man for a stationary company.

First day I had to take a huge roll of bubble wrap to a factory customer.

The boss said, 'pop it in the corner, thanks'

Took bloody ages.

[Doofus]

She's Keeled over.


I hate these non-jokes, but at least it gets vol9 into My Stuff, so I can continue to whinge and complain about everyone else's efforts

[Ayahuasca]

I see Christine has keeled over.

[Doofus]

Ayahuasca eventually said:

I see Christine has keeled over.

[Ayahuasca]

Beaten by mere seconds, bah.

[glenrobbo]

Ayahuasca said:

Beaten by mere seconds, bah.

Scandalous!

[B'stard Child]

glenrobbo said:

Ayahuasca said:

Beaten by mere seconds, bah.

Scandalous!

Google is not helping right now

[glenrobbo]

B'stard Child said:

Google is not helping right now

Too young to know?
Try "The Profumo Affair".

[Vipers]

Ayahuasca said:

I see Christine has keeled over.

What papers did she read?

The People.

Three mirrors,

And as many times as she could get.

[Vipers]

Good deed done today. This morning at the Asda check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50.

I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out when she was alive.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

[Sticks.]

Like that it reminds me of...

I helped a poor old lady who'd fallen over in the street today. At least I think she was poor, she only had £1.50 in her purse.