Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Vipers]

If a clown farts, does it smell funny?

[Vipers]

Anyway......

Elderly couple in church, wife turns to her husband and says

"I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid, and buy durex, they last longer"

Guy next to him says "I think you mean Duracell"

Husband says "Are you sure?"

Guy says "Oh yes I know what durex are, my wife puts them over her camel"

Edited by Vipers on Friday 20th April 10:23

[alfie2244]

[RJO]

alfie2244 said:

You will have to refer to the Nun joke, which has been in every Vol of the SCJT.

[paua]

Vipers said:

Anyway......

Elderly couple in church, wife turns to her husband and says

"I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid, and buy durex, they last longer"

Guy next to him says "I think you mean Duracell"

Husband says "Are you sure?"

Guy says "Oh yes I know what durex are, my wife puts them over her camel"

Edited by Vipers on Friday 20th April 10:23

About 8-10 years ago, I picked up a (middle east version ) Wall St Journal, whilst in transit through Dubai. Carried a story about a local chap who'd destroyed his camel & flogged his (Pakistani) employee, after discovering said employee abusing aforementioned camel. Was claiming recompense because the camel was distraught.
Don't recall the particulars in terms of Durex/Duracell.

[Vipers]

paua said:

Vipers said:

Anyway......

Elderly couple in church, wife turns to her husband and says

"I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?"

Husband says "Put new batteries in your hearing aid, and buy durex, they last longer"

Guy next to him says "I think you mean Duracell"

Husband says "Are you sure?"

Guy says "Oh yes I know what durex are, my wife puts them over her camel"

Edited by Vipers on Friday 20th April 10:23

About 8-10 years ago, I picked up a (middle east version ) Wall St Journal, whilst in transit through Dubai. Carried a story about a local chap who'd destroyed his camel & flogged his (Pakistani) employee, after discovering said employee abusing aforementioned camel. Was claiming recompense because the camel was distraught.
Don't recall the particulars in terms of Durex/Duracell.

Was about the two old biddies sat outside a nursing home have a crafty smoke. It started raining and one of them took a durex out of her handbag and rolled it over the camel cigarette to keep it dry. Her friend asked what it was, she said it's a condom.

The other old biddy went to the local pharmacy and asked for some condoms, guy behind the counter said what size.

She said "Don't matter as long as it fits over a camel"

I tried..............

[Pericoloso]

Knock knock

Who's there ?

Vipers

Not opening the door if you're going to tell a really bad joke.....



....I don't get the durex camel Duracell either.

[Vipers]

Pericoloso said:

Knock knock

Who's there ?

Vipers

Not opening the door if you're going to tell a really bad joke.....



....I don't get the durex camel Duracell either.

Righty ho, wife let's rip in church, hears nothing as batteries in deaf aid are flat. He says replace batteries with (means to say Duracell but says durex)

Guy next to him says you mean Duracell, and explains that he knows he is right because his wife (old biddy in nursing home) use durex to cover her camel................. (see earlier post about the camel), which I thought most knew about that old joke.

Oh well no worries, back to the garden and the sun and a cold one,

[MarkwG]

Vipers said:

Righty ho, wife let's rip in church, hears nothing as batteries in deaf aid are flat. He says replace batteries with (means to say Duracell but says durex)

Guy next to him says you mean Duracell, and explains that he knows he is right because his wife (old biddy in nursing home) use durex to cover her camel................. (see earlier post about the camel), which I thought most knew about that old joke.

Oh well no worries, back to the garden and the sun and a cold one,

Both jokes work separately, but they don't blend together; why would you use batteries "over" a camel,whether animal or cigarette - it doesn't scan.

[Vipers]

MarkwG said:

Vipers said:

Righty ho, wife let's rip in church, hears nothing as batteries in deaf aid are flat. He says replace batteries with (means to say Duracell but says durex)

Guy next to him says you mean Duracell, and explains that he knows he is right because his wife (old biddy in nursing home) use durex to cover her camel................. (see earlier post about the camel), which I thought most knew about that old joke.

Oh well no worries, back to the garden and the sun and a cold one,

Both jokes work separately, but they don't blend together; why would you use batteries "over" a camel,whether animal or cigarette - it doesn't scan.

I give in, I chuckled, oh well ......

Edited by Vipers on Friday 20th April 23:50

[Ultra Sound Guy]

I've spent the last five years looking for my ex wife's killer, but no one will do it!

[Monkeylegend]

Ultra Sound Guy said:

I've spent the last five years looking for my ex wife's killer, but no one will do it!

......... and when I find him I will give him his cheque and the knife he left at the scene.

[Vipers]

MarkwG said:

Vipers said:

Righty ho, wife let's rip in church, hears nothing as batteries in deaf aid are flat. He says replace batteries with (means to say Duracell but says durex)

Guy next to him says you mean Duracell, and explains that he knows he is right because his wife (old biddy in nursing home) use durex to cover her camel................. (see earlier post about the camel), which I thought most knew about that old joke.

Oh well no worries, back to the garden and the sun and a cold one,

Both jokes work separately, but they don't blend together; why would you use batteries "over" a camel,whether animal or cigarette - it doesn't scan.

He mistakenly said Durex instead of Duracell, the other guy knew well what durex was as his OH used them for her camel, so I was thinking most would know the joke about the camel, and understand............ anyway onwards and upwards, have a good one

[davhill]

Sellotape in Oz is called Durex. Ineffective and blood painful to remove.

[K12beano]

[Vipers]

davhill said:

Sellotape in Oz is called Durex. Ineffective and blood painful to remove.

And flip flops are called thongs.

[K12beano]

Vipers said:

davhill said:

Sellotape in Oz is called Durex. Ineffective and blood painful to remove.

And flip flops are called thongs.

It’th intresting how their Sunday evening TV favourite used to be “Flip Flops of Praise”, ithn’t it?

[Doofus]

K12beano said:

It’th intresting how their Sunday evening TV favourite used to be “Flip Flops of Praise”, ithn’t it?

Interethting
Thunday
uthed
Flopth
Praithe

[Vipers]

God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......"

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under His breath), "Geez...." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

In about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

Adam said "What's a Headache?"

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Remember dear readers, me messenger

[Ultra Sound Guy]