Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
I don't think this has been posted before, apologies if it has. Emo Phillips...
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
A Christian is being put to the lions in ancient Rome, he is so scared, he knows that his time is up.
He walks into the arena, the crowd is shouting for blood, there is just him and the biggest lion you have ever seen.
They circle each other, the lion just waiting to attack.
Suddenly, a gate opens, the exit to the arena, a supporter of his Faith has opened the gate. The Christian runs for the gate, his only chance for life.
He runs as fast as he can but he knows the lion is close behind him. He clears the gate and sees open countryside ahead.
Running hard, he thinks to himself - what would Jesus do? He prays for help.
Amazingly, the lion then runs in front of him and stands still.
The lion speaks. 'Christian, your prayers have been answered, I am also a Christian'.
'What are you going to do now?' We cannot go back into the arena'.
The lion says, 'For what we are about to receive we are truly thankful.'
He walks into the arena, the crowd is shouting for blood, there is just him and the biggest lion you have ever seen.
They circle each other, the lion just waiting to attack.
Suddenly, a gate opens, the exit to the arena, a supporter of his Faith has opened the gate. The Christian runs for the gate, his only chance for life.
He runs as fast as he can but he knows the lion is close behind him. He clears the gate and sees open countryside ahead.
Running hard, he thinks to himself - what would Jesus do? He prays for help.
Amazingly, the lion then runs in front of him and stands still.
The lion speaks. 'Christian, your prayers have been answered, I am also a Christian'.
'What are you going to do now?' We cannot go back into the arena'.
The lion says, 'For what we are about to receive we are truly thankful.'
PixelpeepS3 said:
Halmyre said:
Chap walks into a cake shop.
"How much are your gattocks, please", asks he.
"The word is 'gateaux'", says the assistant, "and prices start at £20".
"Bolleaux to that", says the customer, exiting.
He should have gone to Hawaii for his cakes, they are aloha price."How much are your gattocks, please", asks he.
"The word is 'gateaux'", says the assistant, "and prices start at £20".
"Bolleaux to that", says the customer, exiting.
evil len said:
... something something ... madeira cake ... something something ...
Chap walks into a cake shop and asks "how much are the slices of cake?"Assistant says "they're all £1 a slice, except that one, that's £2 a slice".
Chap asks "How come?"
Assistant replies "That's madeira cake".
An aeroplane was about to crash. Four passengers were on board, with only three parachutes. The first passenger, Diane Abbot, said, "There are four parachutes onboard this aeroplane - enough for all of us." So she took the first parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected President of the United States. I am the smartest President in American history, the smartest in American history, so I'm not going to die." He took the second parachute and stumbled out of the door.
The third passenger, the Holy See, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, "My child, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy replied, "Don't worry, Your Grace, there's a parachute left for you: America's smartest President took my schoolbag."
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected President of the United States. I am the smartest President in American history, the smartest in American history, so I'm not going to die." He took the second parachute and stumbled out of the door.
The third passenger, the Holy See, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, "My child, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy replied, "Don't worry, Your Grace, there's a parachute left for you: America's smartest President took my schoolbag."
MarkwG said:
Vipers said:
Righty ho, wife let's rip in church, hears nothing as batteries in deaf aid are flat. He says replace batteries with (means to say Duracell but says durex)
Guy next to him says you mean Duracell, and explains that he knows he is right because his wife (old biddy in nursing home) use durex to cover her camel................. (see earlier post about the camel), which I thought most knew about that old joke.
Oh well no worries, back to the garden and the sun and a cold one,
Both jokes work separately, but they don't blend together; why would you use batteries "over" a camel,whether animal or cigarette - it doesn't scan.Guy next to him says you mean Duracell, and explains that he knows he is right because his wife (old biddy in nursing home) use durex to cover her camel................. (see earlier post about the camel), which I thought most knew about that old joke.
Oh well no worries, back to the garden and the sun and a cold one,
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