Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
Vipers said:
... little old lady joke ...
Goodun! (Never thought I'd say that about a Vipers joke.)I didn't do so well in ASDA yesterday - I've been banned.
I still say it wasn't my fault though. When the cashier said, "strip down, facing me," how was I to know she meant my debit card?
P.S. See the above, that's how to quote, rather than repeat the whole thing all over again.
[/grumpyoldman]
Evangelion said:
Vipers said:
... little old lady joke ...
Goodun! (Never thought I'd say that about a Vipers joke.)I didn't do so well in ASDA yesterday - I've been banned.
I still say it wasn't my fault though. When the cashier said, "strip down, facing me," how was I to know she meant my debit card?
P.S. See the above, that's how to quote, rather than repeat the whole thing all over again.
[/grumpyoldman]
Caruso said:
I got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my wife into 8 different pubs without having a drink, then went back into the 1st one and bought a pint.
now that's a joke.my dad died recently and his wish was that he be cremated and his ashes thrown on to the hallowed turf of his favorite football team. now we very well couldn't take an urn into the ground so we decanted the ashes into a well known empty type of carton that houses orange juice and milk and the like.
saturday at the game we stood the carton proudly on the wall in front of our front row seats and settled in, a home game for us, the last for dad. all's well until this jobsworth steward comes along and says "you can;t put that there - its dangerous - no containers or vessels of any kind" I protested and protested so much he and a few others threw us out of the ground.
On the way out my brother pipes up and says "that was out of order its not even glass or heavy" I know I said, "getting a bit rough if you can't even take in a bottle o' pop"
(no you won't get those 40 seconds of your life back)
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the sad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear, "one more time."
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Vipers said:
Jim's doctor tells him he has only one day to live. When Jim goes home to share the sad news with his wife, she asks what he wants to do with the little bit of time he has left.
"All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear, "one more time."
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Is this the same Jim whose doctor gives him 2 weeks to live? Jim couldn't pay the bill, so the doctor gave him another 2 weeks."All I want," Jim tells his beloved wife, "is to spend my last few hours reliving our honeymoon." Which is exactly what they did. But after hours of blissful romance, she announces that she's tired and wants to go to sleep.
"Oh, come on," Jim whispers in her ear, "one more time."
"Look," his wife snaps, "I've got to get up in the morning. You don't!"
Also, I've given up on the NHS and now go to the vet instead. Much easier to get an appointment and if you're a good boy you get a tasty treat and a tummy tickle.
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