Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[StevieBee]

One for Facebook!

[Kenty]

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

[droopsnoot]

JPJPJP said:

My favourite butcher’s advert was something along the lines of ‘pleased to meet you, with meat to please you’

Yes, my local had that in - "Always pleased to meet you, always meat to please you".

[Vipers]

rayny said:

Vipers - You seem to know all of the old jokes, and are not afraid of being realistic about people. - Have you ever thought about standing for Parliament?

Dont think I could keep my head up being an MP and all the fringe benifits and that gravy train they are on

I will try harder to find some youngish jokes for you, honest.

But it does sounds like you and I are from the same era.

[Cotty]

driverrob said:

Watership Down:

You've read the book.

You've seen the film.



Now taste the pie.

There must be a few films you could work into that, Babe springs to mind
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/

[schmunk]

Cotty said:

driverrob said:

Watership Down:

You've read the book.

You've seen the film.



Now taste the pie.

There must be a few films you could work into that, Babe springs to mind
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/

Godzilla.

[rayny]

Cotty said:

There must be a few films you could work into that, Babe springs to mind
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/

And for the cannibals among us - The man who fell to earth

[anonymous-user]

schmunk said:

Cotty said:

driverrob said:

Watership Down:

You've read the book.

You've seen the film.



Now taste the pie.

There must be a few films you could work into that, Babe springs to mind
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/

Godzilla.

Emmanuelle?

[Gargamel]

NorfolkInClue1 said:

schmunk said:

Cotty said:

driverrob said:

Watership Down:

You've read the book.

You've seen the film.



Now taste the pie.

There must be a few films you could work into that, Babe springs to mind
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/

Godzilla.

Emmanuelle?

Hair ?

[gadgetmac]

A man walks into a library and asks the clerk “Where’s the book on Pistonheads mod culture you ugly bd?”

“Right that’s it you’re banned” replied the clerk.

“Yeah, that’s the one”.

[threespires]

Vipers said:

Saw the same thing in a butchers shop in Ashby de la Zouch, when the butchers used to write on the windows with that white stuff, same as your post except last line was "Now meet the cast", pissed some off, no sense of humour some people.

I know that butchers shop, they have a great selection of game. Is it still there?

[Dr G]

Brexit explained by dentists:

Dentist Cameron: After years of hard work your teeth are pretty good.

Brexiteer: Cool, now I would like to eat sweets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Dentist Cameron: That's a stupid idea, how about you just eat a few sweets instead?

Brexiteer: Nope, nothing but sweets for me.

Dentist Cameron: Your teeth will all fall out. I'm off.

Brexiteer: FEED ME SWEETIES!

Dentist May: Do I have to?

Brexiteer: YES!

Dentist May: I have reluctantly devised you a 50% sweetie based diet.

Brexiteer: 100% sweeties or nothing.

Dentist May: OK, here is a 60% sweetie based diet.

Brexiteer: You're fired!

Dentist Juncker: We're keeping all the sweeties. Goodbye.




I'm not convinced that's actually a joke but I'm too scared to post in the politics forum.

[Monkeylegend]

Dr G said:

Brexit explained by dentists:

Dentist Cameron: After years of hard work your teeth are pretty good.

Brexiteer: Cool, now I would like to eat sweets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Dentist Cameron: That's a stupid idea, how about you just eat a few sweets instead?

Brexiteer: Nope, nothing but sweets for me.

Dentist Cameron: Your teeth will all fall out. I'm off.

Brexiteer: FEED ME SWEETIES!

Dentist May: Do I have to?

Brexiteer: YES!

Dentist May: I have reluctantly devised you a 50% sweetie based diet.

Brexiteer: 100% sweeties or nothing.

Dentist May: OK, here is a 60% sweetie based diet.

Brexiteer: You're fired!

Dentist Juncker: We're keeping all the sweeties. Goodbye.




I'm not convinced that's actually a joke but I'm too scared to post in the politics forum.

I propose a vote of no confidence.

[Vipers]

threespires said:

Vipers said:

Saw the same thing in a butchers shop in Ashby de la Zouch, when the butchers used to write on the windows with that white stuff, same as your post except last line was "Now meet the cast", pissed some off, no sense of humour some people.

I know that butchers shop, they have a great selection of game. Is it still there?

Yes loads of game hanging up, good old fashion proper butchers shop. I left there in 82, haven't been back since.

[glenrobbo]

Vipers said:

Yes loads of game hanging up, good old fashion proper butchers shop. I left there in 82, haven't been back since.

Blimey!
Was it as bad as that?

[K12beano]

Monkeylegend said:

Dr G said:

Brexit explained by dentists:

Dentist Cameron: After years of hard work your teeth are pretty good.

Brexiteer: Cool, now I would like to eat sweets for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Dentist Cameron: That's a stupid idea, how about you just eat a few sweets instead?

Brexiteer: Nope, nothing but sweets for me.

Dentist Cameron: Your teeth will all fall out. I'm off.

Brexiteer: FEED ME SWEETIES!

Dentist May: Do I have to?

Brexiteer: YES!

Dentist May: I have reluctantly devised you a 50% sweetie based diet.

Brexiteer: 100% sweeties or nothing.

Dentist May: OK, here is a 60% sweetie based diet.

Brexiteer: You're fired!

Dentist Juncker: We're keeping all the sweeties. Goodbye.




I'm not convinced that's actually a joke but I'm too scared to post in the politics forum.

I propose a vote of no confidence.

Can we have the chicken legs cooked in their own fat? No!??

So that’s a vote of no confited hens from me too....

[Trophy Husband]

I just lost in a bid for a beautiful grandfather clock on e-bay.

Big time disappointment.

[Gargamel]

Trophy Husband said:

I just lost in a bid for a beautiful grandfather clock on e-bay.

Big time disappointment.

Or the midget that stole pocket watches.

Small time criminal

[GAjon]

Gargamel said:

Trophy Husband said:

I just lost in a bid for a beautiful grandfather clock on e-bay.

Big time disappointment.

Or the midget that stole pocket watches.

Small time criminal

Or the post impressionist artist who had their watch stolen,

No time Toulouse.

(Monty python 1972)

[Trophy Husband]

Bonsai tree for sale. Large.