Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

rayny said:

Vipers said:

actually it was a lovely place, moved on to greener pastures work wise.

I never realised that you were a farmer, - I thought you were a matelot

Good one, now my secret is out.

So a fish farmer then, eh Vipers?
Specialising in brown trout?

OMG don't tell me you were one of those stokers on board

[glenrobbo]

Vipers said:

OMG don't tell me you were one of those stokers on board

No, I was with the 7th Airborne Submariners.

[Vipers]

glenrobbo said:

Vipers said:

OMG don't tell me you were one of those stokers on board

No, I was with the 7th Airborne Submariners.

RN submariners motto is I believe "We come unseen", usually referred to as "We come unclean".

[Vanordinaire]

Cotty said:

driverrob said:

Watership Down:

You've read the book.

You've seen the film.



Now taste the pie.

There must be a few films you could work into that, Babe springs to mind
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/

I bumped into my mate's wife and daughter in Tesco one day. Asked the little girl if she'd seen the Peppa Pig jigsaws going cheap in the next aisle. Thought the mum was going to kill me when I pointed out the packs of bacon bits and left her to explain to her puzzled looking toddler...well I thought it was funny!

[Cotty]

Vanordinaire said:

I bumped into my mate's wife and daughter in Tesco one day. Asked the little girl if she'd seen the Peppa Pig jigsaws going cheap in the next aisle. Thought the mum was going to kill me when I pointed out the packs of bacon bits and left her to explain to her puzzled looking toddler...well I thought it was funny!

[kowalski655]

Vanordinaire said:

I bumped into my mate's wife and daughter in Tesco one day. Asked the little girl if she'd seen the Peppa Pig jigsaws going cheap in the next aisle. Thought the mum was going to kill me when I pointed out the packs of bacon bits and left her to explain to her puzzled looking toddler...well I thought it was funny!

My daughter LOVES that damn pig! I may offer her that jigsaw...but she also loves bacon

[Vipers]

When I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

P. S. Loved the Pepper Pig one

[48k]

Apparently today is Christmas Jumper day.
Hope my train home isn't too delayed.

[Trophy Husband]

48k said:

Apparently today is Christmas Jumper day.
Hope my train home isn't too delayed.

Don't joke! It happened to me on the Northern Line many years ago.

[bigandclever]

I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.

[Mammasaid]

Trophy Husband said:

48k said:

Apparently today is Christmas Jumper day.
Hope my train home isn't too delayed.

Don't joke! It happened to me on the Northern Line many years ago.

And yet, you're still here!

[K12beano]

bigandclever said:

I know a man who taught his dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground.

He went from Barking to Tooting in an hour.

That was nearly funny...

It just needs a Kitten Killer to pop along and explain that Barking isn't on the Underground network and you need to specify Bec or Broadway for Tooting...

What?


What???


Oh, Ok....

[K12beano]

Mammasaid said:

Trophy Husband said:

48k said:

Apparently today is Christmas Jumper day.
Hope my train home isn't too delayed.

Don't joke! It happened to me on the Northern Line many years ago.

And yet, you're still here!

He was going South.....

[schmunk]

K12beano said:

hat was nearly funny...

It just needs a Kitten Killer to pop along and explain that Barking isn't on the Underground network and you need to specify Bec or Broadway for Tooting...

What?


What???


Oh, Ok....

Barking is on the District and Hammersmith & City lines. The station is not underground, but it is served by London Underground trains.

[Trophy Husband]

A woman ran in to a police station screaming "Grape! Grape! Grape!"

The desk sergeant said "Surely you mean rape?"

She said "No, there was a whole bunch of them."






Footballers?

[Vipers]

Trophy Husband said:

A woman ran in to a police station screaming "Grape! Grape! Grape!"

The desk sergeant said "Surely you mean rape?"

She said "No, there was a whole bunch of them."

Footballers?

Reminds me of the Matelot said he had hermes.

His pal said. "Do you mean herpes"

He said " No, I'm a carrier"

[Evangelion]

I have a friend in the police force, who has special responsibility for checking people's computers, to make sure they contain nothing that is racist or sexist, or discriminates against the disabled, one-parent families, vegans or other minority groups.

He's a PC PC PC.

[Vipers]

Evangelion said:

I have a friend in the police force, who has special responsibility for checking people's computers, to make sure they contain nothing that is racist or sexist, or discriminates against the disabled, one-parent families, vegans or other minority groups.

He's a PC PC PC.

Ello ello ello!

[paua]

Trophy Husband said:

A woman ran in to a police station screaming "Grape! Grape! Grape!"

The desk sergeant said "Surely you mean rape?"

She said "No, there was a whole bunch of them."






Footballers?

Kenny Everett

[SeeFive]

Trophy Husband said:

A woman ran in to a police station screaming "Grape! Grape! Grape!"

The desk sergeant said "Surely you mean rape?"

She said "No, there was a whole bunch of them."

Footballers?

Woman ran into the same police station shouting “help I’ve been raped by a docker”.

“How do you know it was a docker” asked the desk sarge.

“Well, he had a cloth cap on, a hook in his belt and I had to do all the work”.