Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)
Discussion
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?'
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you because you're not a monk'.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.....
.... but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
f1dget said:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?'
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you because you're not a monk'.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.....
.... but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
What's a sand pebble?The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you because you're not a monk'.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.....
.... but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
Luckily another driver stops to help him. (Thank f
k for that your saying).
He says "Anything I can help you with"
Man says "What do you know about cars"
He says "Nothing really, I am a chiropodist"
Man says "Well can you give me a tow"
Luckily another driver stops to help him. (Thank f
k for that your saying).He says "Anything I can help you with"
Man says "What do you know about cars"
He says "Nothing really, I am a chiropodist"
Man says "Well can you give me a tow"
Edited by Vipers on Sunday 14th January 19:43
Ayahuasca said:
f1dget said:
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?'
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you because you're not a monk'.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.....
.... but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
What's a sand pebble?The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
'We can't tell you because you're not a monk'.
The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .
We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and
amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.....
.... but I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride into town. The Lone Ranger said" Tonto me ol mate Im going into this hotel for a drink, you'd be best to wait outside, they don't take kindly to Redskins here." Tonto replied "no worries Lone, I might do some exercises I'm trying to trim down a bit". So The Lone Ranger goes in, meanwhile Tonto is doing hundred Meter sprints up and down the main street.
Black Bart rides into town and spots Tonto sprinting.
He doesn't like what he sees, and bursts into the bar both six guns drawn.
He yells in a menacing voice, " which one of you dudes is with the redskin?".
In the blink of an eye the Lone Ranger is off his stool both his six guns pointed straight at Bart's heart.
Black Bart pales and stammers " settle down their Mr Ranger, I just called in to let you know, you left your Injun runnin" .
Black Bart rides into town and spots Tonto sprinting.
He doesn't like what he sees, and bursts into the bar both six guns drawn.
He yells in a menacing voice, " which one of you dudes is with the redskin?".
In the blink of an eye the Lone Ranger is off his stool both his six guns pointed straight at Bart's heart.
Black Bart pales and stammers " settle down their Mr Ranger, I just called in to let you know, you left your Injun runnin" .
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town. Tonto say "I go for drink in redskin bar, you better stay outside and look after horses"
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Monkeylegend said:
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town. Tonto say "I go for drink in redskin bar, you better stay outside and look after horses"
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Love it! "Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Monkeylegend said:
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town. Tonto say "I go for drink in redskin bar, you better stay outside and look after horses"
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Not sure if this one will work in text form..."Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town with a load of black bags over their shoulders when they are stopped by the local sheriff..
where are you going with those exclaimed the sheriff..
The lone ranger replied... "to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.."
A woman approached an old man in the bar, and said “Excuse me sir, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before, didn’t you used to be a strongman in the 1970’s?”
He replied “Your correct, yes I did dear”
She said “Oh you were very strong, I once saw you bend a 14 inch iron bar over your prick”
He replied “oh yes, I couldn’t do it now though, my wrists have gone”
He replied “Your correct, yes I did dear”
She said “Oh you were very strong, I once saw you bend a 14 inch iron bar over your prick”
He replied “oh yes, I couldn’t do it now though, my wrists have gone”
PixelpeepS3 said:
Monkeylegend said:
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town. Tonto say "I go for drink in redskin bar, you better stay outside and look after horses"
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Not sure if this one will work in text form..."Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town with a load of black bags over their shoulders when they are stopped by the local sheriff..
where are you going with those exclaimed the sheriff..
The lone ranger replied... "to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.."
PixelpeepS3 said:
Monkeylegend said:
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town. Tonto say "I go for drink in redskin bar, you better stay outside and look after horses"
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Not sure if this one will work in text form..."Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town with a load of black bags over their shoulders when they are stopped by the local sheriff..
where are you going with those exclaimed the sheriff..
The lone ranger replied... "to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.."
Tonto starts running round the horse to create a breeze to cool him down. Lone Range goes in and orders the beers.
Bloke comes in and says "who's is the sweltering horse out here?"
"That's my mate's - what's wrong?" Says the Lone Ranger.
"Ahh nothing major - you've just left you're Injun running"
StevieBee said:
PixelpeepS3 said:
Monkeylegend said:
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town. Tonto say "I go for drink in redskin bar, you better stay outside and look after horses"
"Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Not sure if this one will work in text form..."Okay " says the Lone Ranger
Whilst he was drinking in the bar an Apache approached Tonto.
"I need money for new horse Tonto" says the Apache.
"I no money" says Tonto " go outside and speak to man with mask"
"Why?" ask Indian friend
"Him the loan arranger" says Tonto.
Tonto and the Lone Ranger ride into town with a load of black bags over their shoulders when they are stopped by the local sheriff..
where are you going with those exclaimed the sheriff..
The lone ranger replied... "to the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.."
Tonto starts running round the horse to create a breeze to cool him down. Lone Range goes in and orders the beers.
Bloke comes in and says "who's is the sweltering horse out here?"
"That's my mate's - what's wrong?" Says the Lone Ranger.
"Ahh nothing major - you've just left you're Injun running"
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff