Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

TOPIC CLOSED
TOPIC CLOSED
Author
Discussion

twing

4,996 posts

130 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
MartG said:
square balls, etc.”
hehe



Bright Halo

2,950 posts

234 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
JulianPH said:
Bright Halo said:
Ari said:
MartG said:
Chavs at a crossing - what am I missing? confused
Still don't get this?
Look at the sports direct bag and see what he is carrying in it.
How did I not see that? Time to stop drinking and get glasses!

MartG

20,621 posts

203 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I work for HMRC.”

grumpy52

5,565 posts

165 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
MartG said:
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I work for HMRC.”
I heard a similar tale of squeezing juice out of a lemon .
Nobody could better the local strongman until the scrawny tax inspector turned up and extracted another glass full .

Ultra Sound Guy

28,614 posts

193 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
MartG said:
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three pennies to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading on her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy’s’ testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I work for HMRC.”
How did pennies turn into nickels, and why would HMRC be interested in foreign currency?

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
Ultra Sound Guy said:
How did pennies turn into nickels, and why would HMRC be interested in foreign currency?
Time travel? Maybe the author has popped back from the 26th Century on Betelgeuse - they’ll be everyday issues, I’m sure!

K12beano

20,854 posts

274 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
Bright Halo said:
JulianPH said:
Bright Halo said:
Ari said:
MartG said:
Chavs at a crossing - what am I missing? confused
Still don't get this?
Look at the sports direct bag and see what he is carrying in it.
How did I not see that? Time to stop drinking and get glasses!
Is that anything abnormal, then?

Wacky Racer

38,099 posts

246 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
Monkey boy 1 said:
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.
hehe

Bebee

4,678 posts

224 months

Friday 19th January 2018
quotequote all
K12beano said:
Bright Halo said:
JulianPH said:
Bright Halo said:
Ari said:
MartG said:
Chavs at a crossing - what am I missing? confused
Still don't get this?
Look at the sports direct bag and see what he is carrying in it.
How did I not see that? Time to stop drinking and get glasses!
Is that anything abnormal, then?
There's also a decorated bazooka pointing at said chav.

Halmyre

11,148 posts

138 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
Gargamel said:
Bright Halo said:
Still don't get this?
Look at what is sticking out the top of the sports direct bag.
Reminds me of this:


B'stard Child

28,321 posts

245 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
Halmyre said:
Gargamel said:
Bright Halo said:
Still don't get this?
Look at what is sticking out the top of the sports direct bag.
Reminds me of this:

Amazes me how he got away with it so blatantly biggrin

Muntu

7,631 posts

198 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
Monkey boy 1 said:
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.
I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester the other day

He had a Wigan address

Vipers

32,796 posts

227 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
Muntu said:
Monkey boy 1 said:
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.
I met a transvestite from Greater Manchester the other day

He had a Wigan address
Nice one.

MartG

20,621 posts

203 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all

MartG

20,621 posts

203 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose

MartG

20,621 posts

203 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all

MartG

20,621 posts

203 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
A teacher was testing children in a Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
Bursting with pride for them the teacher continued.
"Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted, "Tha's got t' be Chuffin' dead fost"

Evangelion

7,639 posts

177 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
MartG said:
(conversation between receptionist and patient)

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

THE END.
FTFY

MartG

20,621 posts

203 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
I went to the pub last night and saw a big girl dancing on a table,
I said to her, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Tony 1234

3,465 posts

226 months

Saturday 20th January 2018
quotequote all
MartG said:
I went to the pub last night and saw a big girl dancing on a table,
I said to her, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so? "
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."
laugh

TOPIC CLOSED
TOPIC CLOSED