Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

[driverrob]

silverfoxcc said:

A new pie shop has just started business near us

It is open 22/7

Stolen for FB

[Skyedriver]

Doofus said:

paua said:

Went to several shops today, in Christchurch trying to buy nail varnish/ polish remover ( teenage daughter) - becoming really difficult to purchase, classified as a dangerous good. Seems to be a spate of teenagers sniffing fecken acetone.

I don't get it.

Nor did he/she

Why did you want nail polish remover?

[Skyedriver]

silverfoxcc said:

At the local Mental Hospital :
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....

You git!
I'm supposed to be doing something else and just been caught laughing aloud!

[CanAm]

Skyedriver said:

Nor did he/she

Why did you want nail polish remover?

Keep up at the back there Tony ..... teenage daughter.

[paua]

Apologies, started out as a removing nails from hands joke in line with others already posted. Got distracted by something else for 10 minutes, came back & it morphed into things that annoy beyond reason.

[Doofus]

paua said:

Apologies, started out as a removing nails from hands joke in line with others already posted. Got distracted by something else for 10 minutes, came back & it morphed into things that annoy beyond reason.

PHer begins writing a funny post, and ends up really angry about something completely unrelated.

Seems par for the course...

[silverfoxcc]

Skyedriver said:

silverfoxcc said:

At the local Mental Hospital :
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....

You git!
I'm supposed to be doing something else and just been caught laughing aloud!

I am just waiting for Doofus to show up with his pail of water

[CRA1G]

Skyedriver said:

silverfoxcc said:

At the local Mental Hospital :
tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik.
Tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik tigdik....

You git!
I'm supposed to be doing something else and just been caught laughing aloud!

Like the fella driving past the mental hospital and a wheel falls off.. upon inspecton he's lost all four wheel nuts.. he heres a very polite voice through the fence "take one nut from the other three wheels to replace the lost ones" bloody hell that's a great idea...! As he drives off thinking why is he in a mental hospital..? And then a brick comes flying through has back window.... "you didn't thank me you fking bd"

[V8 FOU]

A local worthy is doing a visit of the local mental hospital.
They stop at the first bed and ask "what's your name?"
"Napoleon Bonaparte"
"Who told you that?"
"God did"




A voice from the next bed.... "Oh no I didn't"

[davhill]

john2443 said:

And when he got in the basket with Looby Loo he was Randy Ghandi Pandy

If drinking a small amount of alcohol turned him on, he'd have been shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

[Doofus]

CRA1G said:

Like the fella driving past the mental hospital and a wheel falls off.. upon inspecton he's lost all four wheel nuts.. he heres a very polite voice through the fence "take one nut from the other three wheels to replace the lost ones" bloody hell that's a great idea...! As he drives off thinking why is he in a mental hospital..? And then a brick comes flying through has back window.... "you didn't thank me you fking bd"

It's the way you tell 'em...

[silverfoxcc]

Many years ago when martial arts were being developed some took years to get a name to distinguish it from the others

There was a .new discipline being formed that was in this position .


The chief instructor was describing a rather intricate move involving a throwing spear when one of the students got it all wrong and lost his grip. as a result it hit the instructor very firmly in the throat. who after a while managed to utter these words

'What Kung Fu that?'

And that's how it got its name

[silverfoxcc]

Was in the waiting room at the docs the other day and overhead this conversation between a chap and the receptionist

Chap I would like to see the Doctor about my phobia

Recp And what is that?

Chap everytime i hear single letters said i go absolutely mental and start screaming

Recp Oh I see

Chap AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

[nonsequitur]

The people of Ukraine have just elected a comedian as their president. I await with anticipation for his first post here,

[Evangelion]

davhill said:

john2443 said:

And when he got in the basket with Looby Loo he was Randy Ghandi Pandy

If drinking a small amount of alcohol turned him on, he'd have been shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

And if the drink made him walk funny, he'd have been bandy shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.



(Unless of course, he rode in on his wonkey donkey.)

[Halmyre]

Evangelion said:

davhill said:

john2443 said:

And when he got in the basket with Looby Loo he was Randy Ghandi Pandy

If drinking a small amount of alcohol turned him on, he'd have been shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

And if the drink made him walk funny, he'd have been bandy shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

I've heard he's quite good at DIY and odd-jobs around the house, so he's handy bandy shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

[stuartmmcfc]

Halmyre said:

Evangelion said:

davhill said:

john2443 said:

And when he got in the basket with Looby Loo he was Randy Ghandi Pandy

If drinking a small amount of alcohol turned him on, he'd have been shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

And if the drink made him walk funny, he'd have been bandy shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

I've heard he's quite good at DIY and odd-jobs around the house, so he's handy bandy shandy randy
Gandhi Pandy.

I heard he then decided to sell candy
But he shortened his name to “the sweet man” for ease.

[john2443]

nonsequitur said:

The people of Ukraine have just elected a comedian as their president. I await with anticipation for his first post here,

They can't claim it as an original idea though can they - the USA did it first.

[john2443]

silverfoxcc said:

Was in the waiting room at the docs the other day and overhead this conversation between a chap and the receptionist

Chap I would like to see the Doctor about my phobia

Recp And what is that?

Chap everytime i hear single letters said i go absolutely mental and start screaming

Recp Oh I see

Chap AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Recp U O K ?

[AstonZagato]

john2443 said:

silverfoxcc said:

Was in the waiting room at the docs the other day and overhead this conversation between a chap and the receptionist

Chap I would like to see the Doctor about my phobia

Recp And what is that?

Chap everytime i hear single letters said i go absolutely mental and start screaming

Recp Oh I see

Chap AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Recp U O K ?

"Are you okay?"