Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 9)

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nonsequitur

20,083 posts

116 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
Kenty said:
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be British, don't it!
Yes, it FMing well does.

davhill

5,263 posts

184 months

Friday 6th December 2019
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Recent archaeological findings in and around Edinburgh include evidence of an early example of copper wire.

Scientists using forensic techniques including DNA testing and strain analyses have been able to determine how the samples they discovered originated.

It was concluded that two Scotsmen were fighting over a penny.

Ayahuasca

27,427 posts

279 months

Friday 6th December 2019
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News from Zurich -

Ten people were injured when a masked man threw a pot of molten cheese over them.

Police are blaming Swiss Fonduementalists.

S6PNJ

5,182 posts

281 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
Alucidnation said:
Mate of mine has just got a new dog that has no legs, and has decided to call it 'Cigarette'.

Every night, he takes it out for a drag.

getmecoat
I thought the dogs name was Woodbine? Or do you have to be of a certain age to call him Woodbine?

Trophy Husband

3,924 posts

107 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
My good lady was cooking a lemon meringue.
She asked me to prepare the meringue but I just couldn't as I'm so whisk averse.

illmonkey

18,198 posts

198 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
Trophy Husband said:
My good lady was cooking a lemon meringue.
She asked me to prepare the meringue but I just couldn't as I'm so whisk averse.
You are Jonathan Ross AICMFP

Halmyre

11,193 posts

139 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
Trophy Husband said:
My good lady was cooking a lemon meringue.
She asked me to prepare the meringue but I just couldn't as I'm so whisk averse.
Was it a pavlova or a meringue?

No I'm right, it was a pavlova.

Trophy Husband

3,924 posts

107 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
Halmyre said:
Trophy Husband said:
My good lady was cooking a lemon meringue.
She asked me to prepare the meringue but I just couldn't as I'm so whisk averse.
Was it a pavlova or a meringue?

No I'm right, it was a pavlova.
You're white, it was a pavrova!

48k

13,080 posts

148 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
OK not one of my normal posts, bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.

Trophy Husband

3,924 posts

107 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
48k said:
OK not one of my normal posts, bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
That's awfully amusing!

Scabutz

7,604 posts

80 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
48k said:
OK not one of my normal posts, bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
Im probably going to hell, but I proper chortled at that.

Chapeau.

Ayahuasca

27,427 posts

279 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
I was stuck in a massive traffic jam on the motorway today.

A worried looking man came up from one of the cars ahead and tapped on my window.

He said, ‘They’ve taken over the Liberal Democrat bus and they say they will pour petrol over it and burn it unless they get a ransom. We’re holding a collection. What can you give?’

‘How much have you got so far?’

‘About six gallons.’




davhill

5,263 posts

184 months

Friday 6th December 2019
quotequote all
illmonkey said:
You are Jonathan Ross AICMFP
Or he's a Meringue Utan.


Edited by davhill on Friday 6th December 22:06

Monkeylegend

26,385 posts

231 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
quotequote all
48k said:
OK not one of my normal posts, bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know, I need to borrow some chairs.
snigger.


Funny you should say that, we are in exactly the same situation, six people, six dogs, and only four chairs.

pherlopolus

2,088 posts

158 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
quotequote all
Monkeylegend said:
snigger.


Funny you should say that, we are in exactly the same situation, six people, six dogs, and only four chairs.
2 people could sit on dogs

Fer

7,710 posts

280 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
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illmonkey said:
You are Jonathan Ross AICMFP
I heard he was up in court accused of stealing a kitchen utensil from Sainsburys.

Apparently it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

Trophy Husband

3,924 posts

107 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
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I was in Jewsons this morning. They had none in as it was Saturday.

Edited by Trophy Husband on Saturday 7th December 11:46

Mothersruin

8,573 posts

99 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
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I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry last night.

"You Idiot!", I shouted through gritted teeth.

Laurel Green

30,779 posts

232 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
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hehe

Ructions

4,705 posts

121 months

Saturday 7th December 2019
quotequote all
I asked the girl in the toy store where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.

She replied: “Aisle B, back.”
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